My question for the experienced plan A's.
What were the most important things you changed about yourself while in plan A?
A lot of us newbies are struggeling while plan A'ing, mayby your tip can help us to focus on ourselfs.

Also it would be interesting to know what changes were most noticed and valued by the WS.

Well, I am not yet into recovery, but my situation has improved dramatically since d-day in terms of a) how I feel about myself, b) how I feel about how I handle relationships, and c) WH's perception of me.

What changes did I make:

1. Working really hard at no disrepectful judgments and extending that to other relationships.
2. Physical. I get much more exercise. It makes me feel better physically and mentally and I look better.
3. Trying things on my own that I was afraid to do before, including hiking and camping by myself in new places, trying new restaurants, foods.
4. Reaching out to other relationships I had let dwindle, including my younger sister and old friends.
5. Going places WH would never go with me, such as trips to Las Vegas, Santa Fe, and lots of different musical events, plays, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sol1tair:
<strong>Also it would be interesting to know what changes were most noticed and valued by the WS.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A basically to show that you are capable of changes (from the list of issues that SO has on us). It is not general one size fits all. You have to listen, remember what your SO told you about your relationship ... some of them are truely need fixing (facts) and some of them just a excuse or justification. For me, I become much more patience and improved a lot on listening skill. I picked up house works and be mr. mom since she abandon us ... not that I have a problem with it during our M, I have to work and bring in the bacon ... actually I bring the pig home too ... LOL !!!. WW's excuse that I neglected the house work is just an excuse b/c I use to do it before she quit her job. She rather go out w/ OM and blame it on me. I also learn a lot about caring & protecting a relationship. Anyway, plan A is for you to do written by SO. Good plan A is showing that you are capable to address the issues to your WS.

As a side note ... I change my physical look too, shorter hair, dress up more (the same way 8 years ago), color my hair, lifting weight, working on 6 packs, keep my waist line 3 sizes before A ... I look good and feel good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !.

-rh-

I would have to say the most important thing I did in plan A was become more independent. Also to really realize that I have faults too. To not be so critical, no one is perfect. And most of all - Don't sweat the small stuff - My life is not going to end if my H gets home before I do and doesn't start dinner, or do the dishes(Pre-A I would have gone off the deep end <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I might not be happy about it but it is not a life-altering experience. I'm not sure which of these changes made my H want to work on our M, but I do know without them I would be divorced by now.

DU

It's hard to pin-pointe any one thing. There were lots of small changes. I learned again to appreciate the small things in life and not take them for granted. I learned that I could be alone if I had to, though I didn't want to. I started excercising, spending more time with my kids, and just all around made sure I had more fun with life. I would have to agree with redhat, it's not about what you change but showing you are capable of changing. Anyhow, don't know if this helps at all, but good luck.

I guess I learned that life is too short to take happiness for granted, I am in charge of my own happiness, no one can make you happy until you are right with yourself, do not lower your standards for anyone including WS, no matter how bad it gets someone always has it worse than you, be thankful for what you have and last but not least, I cannot control my WH behavior only my own.
These things were there all along but I forgot the basics, thinking my WH could show me more attention and make me whole. Not. I complete me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />