Dear Terry.

I have not given up on us. As you know I have been speaking with a marriage counselor, Dr. Steven Harley. He has urged me for sometime now to make your affair between you and Glenn known to anyone and everyone. I have spoken with you once and asked to you give up your affair and you have not. You claim it is not adultery because it happened after we separated. With your education and religious up bringing, I know you cannot really believe this. But it suits your purposes. It is adultery nevertheless in the eyes of the State of Louisiana, in the eyes of the Church and in the eyes God. Were we to divorce, it would still be adultery with God and the Church. We made a covenant with God, not each other.

For the sake of honesty and openness, I will no longer be a party to keeping your affair secret. I have exposed your affair to our mutual friends including volleyball members, all of my family and your brother too. This was done before the last volleyball game at Francis and Becky’s. They know when it started, how I know and that Glenn is his name. At the same time I have admitted to all that I played a big part in driving you away but I am not to blame for your affair. Everyone loves you and prays for you and I. Some are making Novenas. I should have done this over two months ago but I was too hurt, shocked and embarrassed by your affair. Every time you have sex with Glenn, think about the agony this causes me and the pain to Melissa. She adores you. Now I see that I was wrong to help you deceive our families and friends about the affair.

You say you don’t know what you want, but I know. You want to be happy. True and lasting happiness can be yours when you want it, however running away from our problems will only cause you future pain. I know you and Glenn have found a temporary solution to pain and loneliness. When Glenn can face his own demons he can go back to Patti. The best solution to your quest for lasting happiness is our marriage; it doesn’t violate our consciences and beliefs. It is the only way to have happiness, bring pleasure, fulfillment and real love to both of us. I have worked hard to improve myself and to learn what I did wrong that made you unhappy. Dr. Harley and many others who have already been though this have assured me that we can make our marriage into one we only dreamed of and we can become truly ‘in love’ again, although you can’t imagine this now. They have many exercises and plans that work in almost all cases. It will take effort and a total commitment for you and me but it will be worth it. If I weren’t convinced of this, I would give up. I don’t believe divorce is a good idea at this time.

Please forgive me for this hurtful but necessary step I have taken. It was painful for to me to do. I love you too much to do this just to hurt you. I always let everyone know that you are the best thing that has happened to me. If I didn’t love you and didn’t think you were worth it, I wouldn’t have done it. Until your relationship with Glenn ends, please honor my ‘no contact’ with yourself unless there is some emergency or financial matter that must be worked out.

Always and Forever,
Monty

Hi Monty,

Should you be telling her that Dr. Harley requested that you expose the A to everyone?
It just seemed kind of off to tell her you
are exposing it to everyone????

Ladysheep

I think that it was a terrific letter and you expressed yourself so well. Well done!

Thanks for the feedback Bryanp and Ladysheep.

I had read elsewhere on MB that Dr. Harley even thought the news media being contacted about the affair was appropriate. Am I wrong about this??

Hi Monty,

I don't think it's wrong to tell everyone.
In fact it's the right thing to do, and one
of Harley's principles.
I'm just wondering if it's appropriate to
tell her in a letter that you are doing that
and mentioning that Harley told you to do
that????

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

It's not supposed to be an "event."
I don't think you should send a letter.

However, if you feel the need to send it, keep it very short & very to the point.
I love you.
I will no longer keep your affair secret.
It's not done to hurt you, I still want to be married to you.

p.s.
Steven Harley is not a Dr. He has an MS. His father, Dr WIllard Harley is the one who wrote all the books and started the practice.

IMVHO You tell only the lost circle of family and freinds, tell only to expose the A to the reality. If you have to tell her/his job place do so ... as part of exposing A to the reality. As Chris said ... it is not an event, "it just happens" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and "you just do it" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . No need to explain to WW, you don't owe any explaination and babble your way out of this.

You are in plan B, don't you.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>IMVHO You tell only the lost circle of family and freinds, tell only to expose the A to the reality. If you have to tell her/his job place do so ... as part of exposing A to the reality. As Chris said ... it is not an event, "it just happens" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and "you just do it" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . No need to explain to WW, you don't owe any explaination and babble your way out of this.

You are in plan B, don't you.

Call me literal, call me dense but in all the posts I have seen, only a few advocate telling her. Is she to be told at all or not told? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Maybe I misunderstood Harley.
-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Monty:

Oops! My last post should have looked like this:

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>IMVHO You tell only the lost circle of family and freinds, tell only to expose the A to the reality. If you have to tell her/his job place do so ... as part of exposing A to the reality. As Chris said ... it is not an event, "it just happens" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and "you just do it" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . No need to explain to WW, you don't owe any explaination and babble your way out of this.

You are in plan B, don't you.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call me literal, call me dense but in all the posts I have seen, only a few advocate telling her. Is she to be told at all or not told? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Maybe I misunderstood Harley.

Generally, it's not something you avoid or don't avoid.

If you're in Plan B, then I wouldn't worry about it unless she gets in contact & brings it up (probably furiously).
Then you would very simply explain it was not to hurt her but that people kept asking you why you split up (or something truthful along those lines) and that you didn't feel comfortable.

Did Harley say you should send a letter

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>
Did Harley say you should send a letter</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. He said I should expose the affair and that would cause WW and OM to feel guilt at having been caught and exposed. I assumed he meant to tell the WS. I had read in " What is Plan A/Plan B" that you negotiate with the WS who was going to reveal the affair, BS or WS. In my case, I'm am in Plan B. This should have happened in Plan A, but there was no Plan A. I found MB 2 mos after the affair started and 4 mos after she had already moved out.

How would anyone feel guilt at been caught and exposed if they never knew that they were? Almost no one will mention it to the WS. They might gossip and talk among themselves, but it would take someone with a whole lot of brass ask someone about their affair.

"Hey I heard you've been screwing around with some guy. Is that true?"
It could happen, but it is very unlikely.

My WS can file for an immediate divorce in 2 1/2 weeks. Harley told me to try to avoid the divorce if at all possible. I thought that making her aware that she had been caught and exposed might take the ugency out of getting to divorce to hurry up and legitimize the relationship before anyone found out that it was adulterous. It would be too late to use the divorce to do that. But if she doesn't know she's been exposed, what's to stop her from choosing to do that? However, I know this is a lot of conjecture on my part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Monty:
<strong>Call me literal, call me dense but in all the posts I have seen, only a few advocate telling her. Is she to be told at all or not told? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Maybe I misunderstood Harley.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposing A is a must, telling your WW is optional. Since you are in plan B, you should not contact WW.

How many people know about her A ?.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Monty:
<strong>.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposing A is a must, telling your WW is optional. Since you are in plan B, you should not contact WW.

How many people know about her A ?.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quite a few. I would say 80 or so. It would be our volleyball club (22 besides us) These are our best friends for the last 16 years. I confided in my closest friends of those and they gossiped to the rest. My family (about 30), WW's B and SIL, and about 8 to 10 of her coworkers. I didn't tell them. They know because they helped her to cheat, some even provided her a room at their houses.

Many of them learned one by one over the last 2 1/2 mos. I told some of my family and they spread it to each other. No one has told her anything though. WW still believes everyone considers the OM just a friend.

NEWS:
Since I started this post, I found out there may be many more. I just got off the phone with OM's W. She called me wanting to know what is going on. She is livid because OM brought my WW to the hospital to see his ailing mother. OM's SIL called OM's W to find out who my W was. When OM's W heard this she blew and told the family about the affair. She had been silent up to this point. OM's family likes the OM's wife and doesn't want to see there marriage end. I hope that made sense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Monty:
<strong>WW still believes everyone considers the OM just a friend.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am probably the one that is dense and has been known slow ones. I thought no one know her A and you has been given a task to let it out. However with the numbers that you have and the duration it seems that her A is out in the open except that no one is approaching her and taking yourside. You are telling me that none of her family talk to her about her A ?. It is hard to beleive or they are taking her side.

In your words, what does make SH beleive that her A is not out in the open ?.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Monty:

"NEWS:
Since I started this post, I found out there may be many more. I just got off the phone with OM's W. She called me wanting to know what is going on. She is livid because OM brought my WW to the hospital to see his ailing mother. OM's SIL called OM's W to find out who my W was. When OM's W heard this she blew and told the family about the affair. She had been silent up to this point. OM's family likes the OM's wife and doesn't want to see there marriage end. I hope that made sense"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is good news because usually OM's are not as committed of leaving their BW's as WW's are to leave their BH's. Things should be getting interesting in the next couple of days.

RH, TMCM and many others who have helped me:

At times I wonder if it's ME who has been in the fog the last 19 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The ball has been set rolling. I don't know the future or what God has planned for us but I will follow the plan, remain positive and allow it to unfold.

I'll keep you posted. Things should not remain static now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Monty:
<strong>WW still believes everyone considers the OM just a friend.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are telling me that none of her family talk to her about her A ?. It is hard to beleive or they are taking her side.

In your words, what does make SH beleive that her A is not out in the open ?.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1.) Her close family is very small now. I did not tell the elderly aunt and two uncles. They live out of town. She has two cousins who live out of state and another that is seriously ill. All that is here is her B and SIL and two children. Her B said "I don't want to take sides. I feel sorry this is happening, but nothing my S does would surprize me"!

2.) A volleyball member told me that she is still campaigning and telling everyone OM is just a friend as of last Friday. I don't think she would have gone if she knew she had already been found out and revealed by me. She is trying not to tip her hand but at the same time she is trying to pave the way for the OM to take my place in the club if I'm not in the picture. Sooner or later I will have to participate in the club or I WILL pave the way.

I don't have to worry about that for the next 2 months, because she is getting a complete hystorectomy and won't be able to play for a while and I can play and still maintain Plan B.

3.) She has an explosive temper when she is caught in a lie and tries to turn the tables. She would have called me up in rage and denial if she knew I had "tried to ruin her reputation".

If you read somewhere in "How Can I Recover Sexual Desire With My Husband After my Affair" web page
Find an "Electric Fence" personality. That is a classic example of what my W is like and explains her reactions. You have to know the answers to the questions before you ask them to know whether or not they are telling the truth.

I have learned a lot in the last 1 1/2 months from MB. I wonder now, if I get her back, what will I have? Is this the fog or a metamophosis?

Monty,

Sorry to say this but you just have to stay still and wait until your LB$ drained out. Her A is in the open already. The OM's now is in the open too. You will have a long road unless OM LB'ed badly, by then she might not even come home.

My suggestion to you, you should stick with the volley ball club and other activities that you have. If she is there ... you still could maintain NC and let her move out. Don't give in your world to OM. I am around my 2 D's schools activities & my 2 D's skating. OM try to come to my 2 D's practice, I got him kicked out. The rink manager told him that this is a family freindly environment and he has to leave <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , he has to get permission to be there since he is not family member <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and the answer is don't even try <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . On the other hand, OM put R.O on her so she can't come to his salsa gig and he brought my ExW all the time. OMExW are feeling loosing out and I told her to go out to other gigs ... OM's band is a looser band anyway.

In the face of hard time, you could either buckle in or thrives. Live your life w/ or w/o your WW.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>Monty,

Sorry to say this but you just have to stay still and wait until your LB$ drained out. Her A is in the open already. The OM's now is in the open too. You will have a long road unless OM LB'ed badly, by then she might not even come home.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RH They don't know yet that their affair is out in the open. I thought exposing the affair was the right thing to do. At least this is what I was told. Why would exposing the affair make this last a much longer time???

And why wouldn't she come home afterwards?

I hope to God there's a chance you are wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Monty:
<strong>RH They don't know yet that their affair is out in the open. I thought exposing the affair was the right thing to do. At least this is what I was told. Why would exposing the affair make this last a much longer time???

And why wouldn't she come home afterwards?

I hope to God there's a chance you are wrong.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, exposing A is a must. IMO you did expose it already, at least to the ones that matter. Are you sure that they don't know or they don't care ?. The amount of peoples know are not small at all. Did SH know that many peoples already know ? or he instructed you to open it up to OMW. Letting OMW know and out on the open the other end would help to inject the reality. I am letting you know not put too much hope, if WS didn't turned around on D-day, you have a long road. You have to be patient and get ready for the worst.

-rh-