My wife is in the Army Reserve and is scheduled to deploy overseas in January 2004. What to do, divorce or separate now or when she returns?

Some background. I first suspected my wife was having an affair at the end of August 2003. She spent a suspicious overnight (Friday) from home. Suspicious overnight because for about a year my wife has been going to school fulltime in another city over 100 miles away. So she residence on campus maybe Monday thru Thursday night.

I confronted her and she admitted planning a night but did not do it. Although, she stayed out all night.

About 2 weeks later on a Monday morning, she left for school but accidentally left her email account open. I looked at her mail and pictures. I went to visit her and took her what I found. She stated she would delay email accounts and private groups she established. We agreed to work through the problems. So since September we have been making progress meeting each other needs.

As recently as this morning, she called her lover's work at just after 7am while on the way to church. The calls almost stopped during the interim. But to think they are starting again, and is unacceptable.

Then last weekend she was ordered to active duty and is now scheduled to report on December 7th. And then may deploy overseas in January.

We have no kids together. But she has two kids from a previous marriage; son-21 and daughter-15. I have two kids from a previous marriage; son-21 and daughter 19. So her daughter is the only one at our home. I would keep her daughter for the next year.

So do I call it quits now? Wait about a year and try it again? If I wait, under what conditions? Her parents and the kids are coming to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas next week?

I did not think things like this happen to devoted Christians.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by secxmarried:
<strong>So her daughter is the only one at our home. I would keep her daughter for the next year.

So do I call it quits now? Wait about a year and try it again? If I wait, under what conditions? Her parents and the kids are coming to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas next week?

I did not think things like this happen to devoted Christians. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB and it seems you are well rehearsh about MB so I would go to the point.

As you know A is a failure to put up your guard and let OP to fillin your emotional needs. It is a selfishness. Actually did you know how she Dv w/ her first ex ?. That should give you a clue.

Talk to her straight, radical honesty, about your feeling and your thought about the whole situation. NO LB, you could do this and you should learn this. Ask her what is her intention ?. ask her if she is in your shoes what she would do ?.

Let her parent know about your situation.

What do you know about OM ?. Is he married ?.

I don't beleive you should quit neither wait.

-rh-

Just a thought, based on experience of deployment overseas.

In the military when you are shipped out it is a very emotional time, you are removed from everything familiar and secure in your life. How long and to where is she to be deployed, is the OP in the same unit and also being deployed?

On one hand, if the OP is writing her at that time and fulfilling her needs with letters and such, you dont have a chance, been there done that, military life is at the very least boring, you have nothing else to occupy your time but to think about things, you would be in a letter writting campaign, something YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO, DAILY.


Depending to where she is deployed, if it is a combat situation, there are more emotions than you can ever imagine that run a wide spectrum, and most of your feelings at that time are similiar to those of a A, being that you fantasize, being home, being with your loved ones and such, you tend to believe things are either much better or worse than they actually are.

If the OP is also in the military, try conveying the information of the A to the unit, using the chain of command, the military you do that otherwise it is viewed as disrespect, going over ones head. and let them know of the A and that it would put your W in a hazardous position being in a combat zone with her lover.

I dont know enough of the situation to comment, but the military definetley frowns upon relationships between it's soldiers.

DaRookie

A and DW is not in the same unit.

I agree about a letter writing campaign or competition would not work. Also, over the past two months, she has not expressed anything. I have emailed her daily and sent cards, but it has been mostly one-way.

I feel like I am dreaming that things are going to get better soon.

I do not know much about the other men in her life. I know there is more than one. Those others are in the same vicinity as her school. I know that she has had visitors.

I make the guess he is married because she always calls him at work. He works in the same building with me. I have seen him once.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by secxmarried:
<strong> A and DW is not in the same unit.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DW ???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> you mean OM & WW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I agree about a letter writing campaign or competition would not work.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rookie & I didn't say that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I feel like I am dreaming that things are going to get better soon. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes you are dreaming. This is just the beginning of 'coaster ride.

Read SAA & HNHN if you have not.

Again snoop to find out about OM. If he is M you tell OMW. Open up the situation to her parent if they have not know it yet.

-rh-

Ok! I concluded that a writing campaign would not work since our communication, phone calls and emails, have been mostly one-way.

For example, we have maybe spent 10-15 minutes on the phone and I know she spent more than 30 minutes with the OM.

I will try and find out the scoop on OM's family situation.

Thanks.

Just wanted to clarify one of my statements in regards to the letter writting.

There is a BIG void when she will be deployed, I stated that you would be on he loosing end, but to clarify that, only if you wrote the once a week letter asking about the weather and such.

Since she would be away and very vulnerable emotionally, she is going to be lonely, your letters are going to have to fill those emotional needs she is lacking at that time, THERE WILL BE A BIG VOID THERE at that time, take advantage of that. See how long the OP's affections last if she is going to be gone a legnth of time, remember, he is going to have voids at that time also and he is in a better position to fill those needs with someone else when she is gone than she will be when she is gone, him cheating on her is what I mean, and a very distinct posiiblility.

Is A out in the open already ?. Does her family or people that matters to her know about this ?.

Let them know if they don't.

-rh-

No, the A is not out in the open. I have been trying to work through it privately. She is going to school for ministerial position in the church. So, I hope that she would come to her senses and see the longterm effect and disaster.

Once I make the decision to lay my evidence on the table before her, then I think she will stop or find another way to hide it. I will have to just believe what she says as truth. Now, I know better. Just like she had a number of private yahoo groups. After I exposed them to her she said I sorry and deleted them. So I do not know if she stopped or she stopped using the home computer to access them.

The following passage has strong meaning to her, John 8:2-11.

Not only is she a liar, but also a hypocrite, studying to be in the ministry???, give me a break, tell her to read up on audultery.

Sorry, I dont mean to dump on you, but sometimes these people get to me.

DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS, THIS IS A ABSOLUTE.

DaRookie

I would recommend Plan A to you for now. Do your best to meet the needs she will allow. Address issues you feel she may have about you. AND shine a light on her A's. Tell her parents, and tell other's who have interaction with her.

You have about a month and 1/2 to address this. Given that the distance DOES NOT make the heart grow fonder as you already know deployment will NOT help your marriage.

I do think it would be a travesty for you to be the baby sitting service while she is away, and then lose her as well. BUT, it may be best for her child.

I don't recall how long you two said you were married, but if it has not been long then, it will be somewhat easier. I don't know.

I would give it a chance, read up on plan A and try it. No LB's, but honesty, radical honesty, coupled with disclosure of her A. Then see what happens.

You are in a complicated situation, and given she is in school full time, it sounds as if you are supporting her in school, and via her child at home when she is gone. I think she may have second thoughts ONCE the A is in the open, or she may leave.

Your best bet is honesty with her about your feelings, and thoughts, disclosure of the A, and Plan A as much as she will allow.

God Bless,

JL

We have been married for ten years. And second marriages for both.

The WW says it is nothing wrong with talking to or contacting OMs but shorter periods of time because they are friends. This is unacceptable.

So, I do not have too many alternatives.

secxmarried,

Open the A in the open. You opened it up ASAP. You only have 1.5 months. I would contact the pastor too.

Meanwhile how is your plan A ?

-rh-

Redhat,

I talked to her last night and layout my knowledge of the two affairs. She denied it until I spilled the beans. Then she asked I call the phone number.

I have an appointment with a counselor at church run center. Also, I talked to a good friend and pastor last night for about an hour. After talking through the her actions and my actions during the past 2 months, it is so overwhelming and damaging actions by her. Also, I just concluded that there were multiple affairs or immoral interactions. I did not fully investigate and evaluate the situation two months ago. I thought it was an isolated affair. But I think she has a big problem with needing attention and affection. It goes beyond needing someone. Unrestricted Leisure time and the internet was too much for her. A REAL LB!

The big question that I have to myself which I would propose to the counselor. What can we do (if she wants to do anything) within the next 19 days while she is here with me? While she is gone: divorce, separation, or status quo?

I have no planA or planB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by secxmarried:
<strong>The big question that I have to myself which I would propose to the counselor. What can we do (if she wants to do anything) within the next 19 days while she is here with me? While she is gone: divorce, separation, or status quo?

I have no planA or planB. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now the first thing you should do is alert the school that she it going for ministerial position. They should know. Also talk to the chaplin of her units, they should know for the safety of her units.

What can you do in 19 days ? ... I would take days off and concetrate on working M. How ? Read as much a you can about MB basic concept and all its link. I thought you know already enough but you have to. Read SAA & HNHN. That would fill in 1-2 days. Then make a plan action list. On column is her complaint in M that is consistant before/after d-day about you. Next column is detail plan action what you are planning to do about it. The last column would be for you to keep track the progress. I would even make one page per complaint. Then do it for the next 19 days. Fillin ENq as if she would fill about her needs, also fillin LBq the sam way. Pray and ask God to give you strength to do what is right (God hates Dv) and wisdom to go through this and ask for Holly Spirit to guide you in every step and all the way and to open her heart.

You are responsible 50% of the situation of your M leading to A. She is responsible 100% taking that step. Earn your way out from this M if it is ended.

Did you ever put closure on your own past M ?. How about her past M ?. Is she children of Dv ? how her parent's Dv impacting her ?.

One more thing ... how old are you & your WW ?.

BTW: Did you call the number ?. I would not confront her w/o undisputed evidence.

-rh-

Redhat,

Thanks for the plan. It's alot and sounds Greek in place.

I am going to hold off notifying family, friends, church and school about the affairs and immoral behavior until after consulting with the marriage counselor today. I will specifically ask his advice. Biblically, I believe it is right but with the short timeframe. I think it is maybe counterproductive to start something and she leaves without the opportunity to face the parties like the school and church.

I just called the number (after hours) to ascertain whether it was potential business counterpart, and male or female. It was a male. I am glad I called because she wanted to claim work but I challenged and she said finally admitted it was a FRIEND and not a business associate. Telephone calls to this one person was too numerous and all times of the night and day. They used the office answering system to pass messages back and forth.

Also, challenged her about people visiting her. Pictures of her in the room had to be taken by someone.

how was your conseling today ? -rh-