Hi Keepin' the faith,
++This is very long so watch out.++ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> but I had a lot I wanted to share. These are all suggestions so feel free to ignore me or use what you feel pertinent.
I feel for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> that H is doing all of this business of ignoring you and doing as he pleases. It sounds like you are trying to make it work but you have an unwilling partner right now, plus you have other things that need some work.
It isn't wrong for you to expect him to comfort you and love you and do all the things that your marital vows promised. Thing is, is he willing to give that to you right now? Maybe not but that doesn't mean you have to sit by and do nothing.
You've been in Plan A for a while so it seems that unproductive habits have formed. Your H has gone over boundaries many times from what I've read in previous post. I saw that RH recommended that you draft Plan B. You mentioned the D word. Where are you at in this? Have you talked to him about next consequence if he crosses the line again?
If you aren't ready for Plan B or the D word then maybe Plan A needs to be tweaked.
Dr Harley says Plan A is a 3-6 month time frame intervention. Remember it is not intended to save the M. It is intended to end the A. So it really isn't something that 2 of you have to do. It is something that you move on to hopefully break up the A. Recovery/reconciliation is something that the 2 of you do.
I haven't followed your whole story so I may not have some of the answers. But have you contacted family about what he is doing? Have
sought to C OW H if there is one? Church leader if you have one, or someone H respects and respects H? There is a link below for more detail.
I know that what your H is doing is painful and especially with you being there trying to save what you have. But now you are past 6 months and the next steps that you take are important. If you aren't ready for Plan B what are you willing to change?
About unproductive habits: Cycle-> He feels guilty-> consoles you-> goes on to do what he wants-> you LB-> then you seeking to make him answer you by desperately calling and trying to manipulate him to calling.
So what do you want? Do yu want to continue in this cycle? With the LBing and arguing, have you laid down a good foundation in Plan A to go to Plan B? Or do you feel it is just too hard now and want to move to Plan B? If so, are you preparing yourself for handling no contact with WS? Are you ready financially?
If your answer is no, then it is time to change focus <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> :
You noted that H is in love w/ OW. It may seem that this is a very difficult obstacle to get past. But it doesn't mean that your H doesn't want your M. However regardless of what he is doing you will have to decide what your mission is and work on it in light of his behavior. Try not to focus on her (OW). Try to detach from what H is doing and saying. Instead focus on keeping a steady handle on what you are doing.
There seems to be times when he is there for you. Thanksgiving dinner, consoling you (though he is the cause for concolsing). Try to capitalize on these times to share and have communication w/out blaming, arguing, focusing on her. Cause remember at that time you are in his arms, not her.
TWEAK IT (Plan A)-Some Suggestions:
>From previous post a lot of arguing and LBing has gotten in the way. Now you have to do a 180. Time to change methods of communicating. If it is too diffcult talking about something between you, hold off. If you have a computer consider emailing each other, yes even though you live in the same house. Try doing more on the phone. If tension, finger pointing, arguing builds up, you be the one willing to step aside.
Afteall, you want answers, right? Not fueding. Yes, much easier said than done. We're rooting for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
> Negotiations: Want H to stop A. Ask for no contact (NC). Ask him after carefully deciding what to tell him about how you love him and want to save M, to send NC letter. Discuss consequence if he crosses the line again. Let him know the hurt it is causing. Let OW know, try not to call names or argue or be defensive with her. Let her know your intent (*A thing about the OW, be ready to expect whatever may come out of her mouth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so make it short and sweet).
This is the time when we (women) usually want to lay on the tears (to H not OW). However partners sometimes become insensitive. If he is sensitive let him see what you feel. If he is insensitive state hurt omit feelings. Let him know though w/out LBing. Tell him how you feel about what the 2 of you have together and how you want to save it.
>You want to know what he is doing when he isn't home, right? You want to know if he is with her right? Flip side of this: What if you don't know, will worrying about it make you happy? If he is with her when he isn't home though you don't want him to be, will it change because you are concerned about it? Instead of pressing for these answers, maybe there is there a way for you to interrupt him going to see her. I mean, in a gentle, appealing, creative way. Try to be there for him and with him when you can. Try not to let concern for whereabouts prevent you from being productive.
> Are you still wrong to LB. Let me put it to you this way, does LBing help your efforts?
When you do it, do you find that he becomes more distant? Do you find that you miss important bits of information and oppurtunities? Do you find that he may go right to her (OW) and tell her what you did?
Identify which LB you are doing. Try to get to the heart of why you do it. I've found that irrational thoughts contributed a lot to mine and acting on instinct. So I recommend going over LB article again. Also here is a site that has helped me immensely,
www.rational.org.nz >Ask about what is going on but try not to demand or push. Look at his actions. Remember believe nothing they say and 50% of what you see. Watch the things around you, cell phone bills, wanting to keep things private, signs of cheating. Look at how he treats you.
No LBing (much easier said than done, but try). What can you possibly learn about his actions? Also try not to discuss the discoveries that you make.
>Realize that you can't control your WS. You can only control yourself. So you are going into this independent of him. He may slip up and stumble or stubbornly not comply at all.
Either way this is your mission. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
>Find his needs, what started the A. What s happeneing with him or you that encourages A?
Do EN questionnaire if you haven't already.
> If your H is running away from you, it is best not to run after him. Meaning making the manipulating phone calls repeatedly. As you noted earlier he doesn't respond when you do anyway. Also, this may say you are desperate for him. If you are desperate then you won't leave, you'll keep putting up with what he's doing. Well if it comes to leaving (Plan B) he'll understand that you did your best, put up with some stuff, made your plea, now you are outta there.
>Right now he is allowing the A to take him over. So though you expect him to he may not do the right thing. You will have to show him by not LBing, by filling the EN that he will allow you to. But understand that you are doormate so your needs may not be met. By the same token as you meet his you may be able to show him how to meet yours.
Though the next 2 items are mentioned last, it doesn't say that they aren't important. They are very important.
>What is going on in your life right now? Move on, do your thing. Let him know you have a life.
Try not to let this consume you.
>Take care of yourself and your family (if you have kids). Don't forget to nurture yourself too.
Let him see a different you. You are fighting for the M but in a different way. WIshing you the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
If not, Plan B maybe next in order. If so, could you do Plan A until one of you could save money to go to Plan B? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Wishing you the best.