Dr. Harley states that there is no such thing as "unconditional" love. That due to our human nature (giver and taker) our own emotional needs disallow loving unconditionally - our love is <I>conditional</I> based upon having our love banks kept at a reasonable level.<P>Yet, Dr. Harley's own Plan A requires unconditional love. Plan A requires us to eliminate Love Busters and attempt to meet the emotional needs of a person who is cutting our hearts out! If that ain't UNconditional love, I don't know what is! And Steve Harley has counseled some of our compatriots that one should stay in Plan A for as long as it is humanly possible ... unconditionally loving our cheating spouses.<P>What a paradox!<P>Ok, I'll admit, Plan B is for when we start tiring of unconditionally loving ... to keep our love safe for our spouses ... and to keep our spouses safe from our takers. So, there is a safety net in case we don't do well with that unconditional loving... But, perhaps Dr. H should rethink his statement that we are not capable of unconditional love. Change it to: There are some circumstances that require us to love our spouses unconditionally, and we can do so for varying periods of time, depending upon a number of factors. However, we cannot continue to love unconditionally forever. Eventually, our givers will become exhausted, fueled as they are by the balances in our love banks, and our takers, always ready to grab what is rightfully ours, will shove the weakened giver out of the way ... That's when unconditional love is no longer possible.<P>So, must we say that love is not unconditional? I wonder... If both spouses love unconditionally and express that love by meeting the needs of the other, then their love banks will always be at a reasonable balance and their givers and takers will balance each other out ... so the ability to love unconditionally is never exhausted. Does that mean that our love is conditional? <P>Food for thought ... <P>Obviously I have MUCH too much time on my hands. Thank goodness I go back to work on Monday <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

terri,<P>During my second session with Dr. Harley, he was trying to convince me of the same thing... i.e. love was conditional. In the back of my mind, as I was struggling with this, was exactly the thoughts in your post. His "pure" Plan A is just what you called it... unconditional love!<P>What does a mother give a ailing child... but unconditional love.<BR>What does a spouse in a reationship give their addicted spouse... but unconditional love.<BR>What did Christ give to us... but unconditional love.<P>When the ailing child's sickness gives the mother no hope...<BR>When the addicted spouse continues to abuse...<BR>When we all sin...<P>It is relationships that are weakened or maybe broken... but does love remain?... I think so! <P>--------------------------------------------<P>When my kids are visiting with my W... I too have a little too much time on my hands.<P>Love to all. <P>Jim

Terri,<BR>I disagree with Harley's belief that we are incapable of unconditional love. I think parents usually do love their children unconditionally. How many times have you read accounts of children treating their parents horribly, stealing from them, beating them up, even attempted murder - and yet often these parents continue to love them. <P>And what of the opposing position - that once you love someone (usually referring to "love", not just "in love") you will always love them? You may not want to be with them, but that doesn't mean you don't love them. I remember the moment that I realized I loved and was forever committed to my H - and I doubt very much that I will ever stop loving him.<P>I don't think that unconditional love is limited to our species either - dogs, for example, often love their masters even when their masters beat them.

Well, it's WAY past time for me to be in bed, but I wanted to say thanks to NSR and Nellie for your responses on this thread.<P>I think that, perhaps, some of us may not be capable of unconditional love. Obviously, our spouses have demonstrated that inability in many cases. It's a thought provoker, that's for sure. I believe that in most cases, the love is still there ... but it has been buried by a serious case of self-centeredness, compounded by guilt.<P>GOTTA sleep ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>