I already broke Plan B today. I know, I am weak.

I asked, no I begged, one last time for us to go to counseling. For the love of these kids and so I can look back and say I tried everything.

H refused, says he does not want to be married to me anymore.

Brought up every little and big past mistake I ever made and said after each mistake he tried and it just came to the point where he doesn't want to anymore.

So, I have come to the emotional divorce acceptance and am thinking of asking him to move back (more for financial reasons on my part) and we will co-habitate.

During this co-habitation I will stick to the best Plan A (leaving out the sex part, he won't even kiss me on the lips) and hopefully he will someday see that I am not re-living the past mistakes and fall in love with me again.

What do you all think? (Or do I even dare ask)

Please stick to Plan B. You will not save your marriage by having him back and still seeing OW.

He says EA is over. The OW was married also.

He has phone contact with multiple "woman friends".

He's real persistant that our marriage is over.

In the past, I had threatened to leave him over stupid arguements (he never let me know he took me seriously, I never left), I was controlling (although didn't realize it until I read all this MB stuff) and he let everything roll off his back.

Now, these are the things he's bringing up as his reason for quitting even though I want to go to counseling to help avoid doing my past BIG mistakes.

Financially, I can't do it alone. Physically, we own 15 acres of land and a house, two kids that adore our house, so I need him for that too.

If he comes back I can go back to school and earn my degree so I can support the kids and I someday without him.

If he comes back I have a handle on what these kids are exposed to.

See my points?

M, I see what you are thinking. I have no idea what to do. But did you consel with SH. Maybe he can give you a better idea.

No, I can't afford that unfortunately. I have been putting away every extra dollar I can in the event my H leaves us high and dry.

I keep thinking that if I look as attractive as possible (Plan A)

and if I make my errands, plans with friends, or go to school on his nights off then he will not have time for an A or to pursue any other relationships because he will need to take care of the kids, in the safety of our own home.

Summer is coming and the girls and I go on a lot of outings, well previously I tried to schedule them when H was working. My thinking back then was that when he is home, he has a lot to do around the house and also he never really enjoyed our outings. So I THOUGHT I was relieving stress from him

Well, this summer he will be invited on them all, personally by his daughters.

m01069,

You have multiple theads and I missed this one ... how did it go ?

-rh-

My vote is to stay in Plan B. Financial strain has to be a big worry and I am struggling myself on how to keep up with the yard and house so I see your points. It just seems that if you back out of Plan B now you will pay an even greater price emotionally. If your anything like me you will regret breaking the plan later down the road. I am trying my best not to act on any thoughts unless they have stayed constant for at least 5 days.
Jenn

Well, spoke with H last night. We started the whole talk about divorce.

I told him our girls biggest concern was losing the house.

He said he couldn't promise that we could stay <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

H started talking about just giving me the bare minimum the court would allow, splitting everything else 50/50.

How fair is that??? He walks away, scott free, gets 50%. I walk away with 2 girls with 50%.

I laid it on the line of the dollar amount the girls and I would need to have to live in the house, that he'd have to pay my health insurance (his company pays now as long as we're married) and anything less would be deadbeat...

He asked "why can't we just live together??"

I said "not going to happen"

End result..He agreed to see MC again to explore our avenues,

I am very skeptical of his intentions, but it will also buy me some time to go back to Plan A, do it right this time, save some more money and talk to my lawyer.

H moves back today under the guideline that we see MC together.

Something is not right here. Are you sure he is not having a PA?

I am not sure of anything anymore. If there is a PA it's 6 hours away.

There are some tips at this site which helped me specifically with the pleading, telling my husband "I've changed", trying to talk him into ending his affair and coming home:

http://www.stopyourdivorcebook.com/

It specifically addresses the WS's need to not be pressured, and how telling them you've changed, but then telling them you want them to do what you want (end affair & come home) proves you haven't really changed in the area of trying to control them. The more you try to pressure (or even convince) them - the more they resist.

It's a polarization problem that increases the more you campaign for what you want.

I also read something in the Divorce Busting book about a seesaw analogy. The more one spouse advocates one POV the more the other spouse is free to express the opposite POV. As long as you do all the worrying about how a divorce will hurt the kids, for example, the less the WS has to think about it. And the more you let them know you want to save the marriage, the less they have to worry about protecting it.

Actually the Stop Your Divorce internet site and the Divorce Busting seesaw analogy both suggested enthusiastically agreeing with the WS! If you take up their POV there's no reason for them to resist you so much and they end up worrying about everything they were able to count on you to obsess over before.

I can't quite bring myself to agree with my husband on many things though and I'm not very good at bluffing. I can't pretend I don't care what this is doing to the kids. But I did reduce complaining to him about how he was hurting our daughters. So one day he asked me how they were doing emotionally (VERY RARE inquiry). And instead of telling him I (politely) asked why he wanted to know (because if it had no effect on his choices - why ask?) AND I told him I didn't want to talk about it. I said I was already doing all I could do to help my daughters deal with it, and I was just trying to put it out of my mind as much as possible so it wouldn't worry me anymore. (I have severe hypertension that my doctors say is from all the stress). AND I todl my daughters to not complain to me as much about their father. I assured them I would still listen to them and give them support but they needed to talk to their father themselves and not depend on me to relay their complaints for them.

Well, he's still making choices that hurt his daughters but he's showing much more evidence of feeling shame & guilt. And he has admitted that now that he and the other woman realize they're hurting others, 'things have never been the same between them' (so sad). It wasn't MY complaining to him about how he was hurting his daughters that ruined their fun though: His daughters started complaining more directly to him and I stopped shouldering the total burden of the worrying about it. I slip up plenty and go back to what doesn't work. Boy they aren't kidding when they tell you what works is counter-intuitive LOL

meremortal

Actually, I had purchased that book before I found MB site.

It's a real hard concept to apply. I fear that my H would interpret my actions as not caring, which is one of his many complaints of the past. That I would get busy in my life, kids and not have time for him. (He didn't word it exactly that way, he gave more specific instances).

Now, I am trying to give him all the attention I can and now he's pushing me away.

Now, I know how bad he was hurting. Difference is he didn't voice it to me before as I am voicing my hurt to him now.

H has said he doesn't want to spend time with me. Keeps urging me to "go out". WHich I did last night, went clubbing with a friend. H didn't ask me anything about it, not even if I had a good time. I was all decked out when I left, he didn't say a word.

I didn't reveal any details to him either on where I went or what we did.

I emailed H that awesome letter by Trueheart. H didn't email me back anything.

I'll let ya know if he responds.

I just realized it's daylight savings time and I am so late right now, shows where my head is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hate my H. H is spreading all over town how he is going to divorce me, and that he was never in love with me.

I told him he is the meanest most hateful person I have ever met and if this is the way he treats his wife then I would hate to see how he treats his enemy.

M, please don't LB. You can be the nice person. People will see that.

lostnhurt

Thanks for saying that I can be a nice person, you are right.

I knew what I said was an LB while I was saying it and at the time I didn't even care. Not really sure I care now, even though I know I should.

H is so concrete that M is over. He didn't read my email, said he wanted to play video game. He'll never read it.

H said today that his EA ended in July and it had nothing to do with current happenings. He's been thinking about this for years he says.

H agreed to MC to work on us "living together", he suggested he move out until our first appointment which isn't until week after this. I didn't reply to him.

He keeps saying "no one will ever control me again"

(Well buster, the court will if we get a D <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Called H at hotel last night. He wasn't in yet. One of the "girls in question" who works there answered the phone. I was polite asking for her to give him a message to call me.

H didn't call. I waited 1-1/2 hrs, when I knew definately he was there (or should be) and I called back. He didn't answer the phone.

I called H this am when I knew he was due to get up and asked him why he didn't call me back.

H says "I don't know, I just didn't"

I started crying and said I had to go. H kept me on the phone telling me to stop crying.

I said to H "you know, this is affecting more than just yourself. I can make you happy, I just need the chance". H said he had to get ready for work.

I am so sad....

H has been talking about divorce.

I can't believe any guy out there that calls himself a MAN that would willingly divorce the mother of their kids, rip the only house they know out from under them and only give them the bare minimum the law states to live.

This is what my H is willing to do for us.

Thank you dear husband of mine for giving me 15 of the best years of my life and flushing down the f-in toilet in 30 seconds of Jan. 6 without a warning. You are SUCH A MAN!!!

Thank you dear husband for going around our small town saying you are divorcing me, playing victim to justify your affair so now I can't even show my face.

Thank you for making me want to move to another state with these girls to start over so they don't have to hear the whispers and rumors when they go to school.

Than you for not even acknowledging me as your wife, emotionally divorcing me until you file papers. Thank you for taking my self esteem and flushing that too.

Please hang in there and stick with us. You are very early in this.

I think your WH is having a PA somewhere here. All of his words, and actions point to that. It could be the reason he is being so cold to you and rewriting the history of the marriage.

Please start taking good care of you. He is not going to be of any help right now. Also the more you cling to him, the more he is going to move away from you.

Put him on the back burner until you are feeling better and are stronger. Are you taking any anti-D's? Hugs from California.

believer

I can always count on you, thanks.

Yes, I have been on Anti D Lexapro for about a month which has help a lot.

I will try to follow your advise. It just seems like my H is moving so fast forward towards a D, I keep trying to block him before he makes the biggest mistake of his life, mine and my little girls.

I don't know how to put him on back burner without coming off as cold and with an attitude. He has always been front burner to me.

Can I say something? I felt just as you do a couple of years ago- I could see my husband heading toward disaster and I was willing to do anything to prevent it, all the hurt.

But in the end I came off as desperate, needy and controlling in his eyes, and it made things worse.

I realised that I can't control him and that I don't want to manipulate him into being together, even to buy time to show him love. I was a good wife to him, but he made alot of mistakes and was trying to run away from them. Like the prodigal son, I realised he needed to go off and experience the consequences of his actions- (and it took awhile- he had a good time at first).

Meanwhile I moved out, got a job, lost weight, started having other interests and stopped 'needing' him. I called him once in a while, just to say hi and ask how he was doing, so he would know I still cared. Sure enough in time he found out the grass wasn't greener...

Now he sees me as interesting, desirable, independent, (the strain is off him financially), no pressure from me, just friendship, a caring friend , which he needs now.

This is a process. It takes alot of prayer, trusting that God will do his part, and being willing to wait. Forgiveness.

For me, loving him meant allowing him the freedom to make his own choices ( even if they were bad choices), and giving him space and time to do so. That was what he needed.

(Remember that the OW ususally turn out to be demanding and needy, so it makes us all the more attractive.)

Shul