I’ve been lurking around on the MB website and discussion forum for a couple of weeks, and I’d like to share my story and get some feedback and advice from those of you with more experience.

My H and I dated for 1 year, lived together for 5 years, and have been married for 4 years—he’s 41 and I’m 33—we don’t have any kids. The A began this year during the first couple of weeks of March—the OW is a coworker whom he has known for a couple of years and I have met several times. I knew almost immediately that something was wrong—he has always held his cards close to his vest, but he became completely withdrawn and unable to show any affection whatsoever (never his strength in the first place). During those first few weeks we had some painful discussions (that I initiated) in which he revealed that he felt “stagnant” in our relationship and felt like he didn’t love me or care for me like I did for him or like he ought, although he has continued to maintain that he loves me on some level. During these discussions he never revealed anything about the A, and although the thought crossed my mind, I really trusted him too much and didn’t want to wrongly accuse him of it by asking.

Then on April 16 I got an anonymous letter from someone he works with, telling me he was “messing around” on me, and the OW’s name. When I confronted him that evening, he confirmed that they had been having a strong EA, and there had been some kissing, but he insisted and continues to insist that they have not had sex. In the endless discussions that followed he has made it clear that he cares very much for her and is very strongly attracted to her, but that he does not want to leave our marriage at this time, although he refuses to remove the threat completely. He says he is still physically attracted to me and enjoys being with me, as long as it’s on his own terms (which in the last couple of months has been hardly at all). However, he says he feels like he has fallen out of love with me, “can’t” show affection for me if he doesn’t feel affectionate, and hates that he talks to me in that harsh tone of voice that his father always used. (The harsh talking has been an issue between us for a long time—he feels like he can’t control it and since I’m the only one he talks to that way, he seems to think if he leaves me the problem will be solved.) He has said repeatedly that he doesn’t want to hurt me (too late!). So, I have asked him for the sake of argument whether he would feel relieved if I left him—so he wouldn’t feel guilty about being the one to leave me and hurting me further—but he says no, he still wonders whether there may be something salvageable in our relationship and needs some undetermined amount of time to think about it.

At this point, I know he is still seeing the OW. At the very least, he sees her at work. In a moment of panic when I learned he had still been seeing her about 3 weeks ago, I demanded that he either stop communicating with her outside of work for as long as he and I live together, or pack a bag tonight. Reluctantly and under duress, he agreed to my demands, but I don’t believe for a minute that it’s happening. I haven’t asked him lately what the status between them is because that’s a big, fat LB, and he tries to keep it as secret as before I knew about it—I can only hope that it hasn’t advanced into a sexual relationship.

Since even before D-day, when we were having those painful discussions, I have been receiving scriptures from God—sometimes I have just turned to the Bible randomly, and sometimes they are some odd reference that I hear at church or read about, but in each case they have spoken directly to my situation, and always in a timely manner according to how I’m feeling that day. There are dozens, but some of the more notable ones are:

Psalm 37:1-9 – “Do not fret because of evil men, or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn away from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.”

Hosea 12:6 – “So you, by the help of your God, return. Observe mercy and justice, and wait on your God continually.”

Isaiah 40:31 – “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

I have also been spending a lot of time in the last couple of months reading and trying to understand more about relationships and infidelity. I stumbled across the MB website a couple of weeks ago, and of all the things I have read, Plan A/Plan B is the most consistent with the scriptures that God has led me to. For the first month or so after D-day, I gave my H all the possible reactions—inconsolable crying, tantrums, begging and pleading, reasoned arguments, angry demands, pouting. The thing is, I didn’t like myself while I was doing any of that stuff. I’ve been implementing Plan A, albeit imperfectly, since I first read about it and over the last week or two I’ve been continuing to read through the discussion forum, and I have gotten better and better at it. I like myself much better on Plan A than I did before.

I believe that, whether this marriage survives or not, God can use this time to develop a more Christ-like character in me. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” There’s nothing in that list about angry demands or standing up for my rights. I know that I have a long way to go in developing some of those fruits of the spirit, and I believe that when God has used this situation to its fullest in my character development, he will open the door to either Plan B or a recommitted relationship with my H. So I may as well get busy and start cooperating with God.

When my H and I moved to this state, we came here for his job. It’s a very rural state and my career is a very specialized one, so since we have moved here I have only been able to find contract and temporary work, low-paying and no benefits. We rely on my H’s job to pay the mortgage, as well as for health insurance and just about everything else. Therefore, I’m not really able to move out on my own until I can find a permanent job, and it would have to be in another state. Even if I could afford a small rent right now, when my current contract ends in a few months, I have no assurance of a continued paycheck. Therefore, the question of when to move from Plan A to Plan B is in God’s hands. I’ve been applying for jobs in the state where my family lives, and when and if I am offered one I plan to tell my H that I would like for him to come with me if he’s willing to commit to a plan to rebuild our relationship, but otherwise I will go alone.

One thing I am conflicted about is marriage counseling. First of all, we are not rich people, and I am trying to save every penny for Plan B if it comes to that, so if I/we go to a marriage counselor it needs to be a well-considered decision. For a while, I was definitely depressed, but since I have developed a concrete plan, and I feel like it’s in line with God’s plan, I feel a lot better, so I’m wondering whether the support from a couple of mentor/friends that I have confided in, in combination with the support from this forum, might not be enough for me personally. I know my H could use some counseling in his confusion (and he has said that he will go with me if I need to go for my depression)—if he were committed to rebuilding this relationship, I think joint counseling would definitely be in order, but I don’t think he would be very receptive to advice as long as he is in this affair fog. What I’m really worried about is reopening all those bad emotions that we have already expressed to each other anyway, and turning the whole thing into a LB.

I’m also concerned about meeting his ENs. We filled out the EN questionnaire a week or two ago. The gist of his EN questionnaire was that there was pretty much nothing more that he needed from me. He wasn’t able to tell me anything that I could do better for him, except maybe wipe the crumbs off the counter more often (!). I took this to mean that there is nothing that he wants from me right now, but I know there have to be unmet ENs in our relationship, he just can’t tell me what they are. In his ranking of his top 5 ENs, affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational companionship were his top 4, but he’s not accepting any of that stuff from me right now. Domestic support was number 5—I’ve never been a great housekeeper, but I never knew it was that important to him, and I can and am doing better there. So, should I not worry about the other ENs, and just concentrate on keeping the LBs out? Or should I try to be assertive on the ENs and risk pushing him further away?

Thanks for lending an ear—just writing this letter has been a help to me.

marty-

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to a good place, under the circumstances. Luckily you have found us, (or the Lord sent you to us).

One thing you have to understand is that during the A, the WS becomes like a drug addict, or an alien. They are getting their fix from the other person. So they tend to rewrite the history of the marriage. Also they get to the point where it is difficult for the BS (you) to meet their needs.

I would suggest you stay firmly in Plan A. That is the first step. Don't even think about Plan B until much later. If Plan B is necessary, you will have the support of the folks here.

So welcome to the fold. We will encourage and support you like no one else can. You might want to post under general questions, because there is much more traffic there, and you will get great input there.

believer,

Sometimes it's so difficult not to think and worry about the future. But you're right, I need to relax and give Plan A a chance to work.

I'm going to re-post my message in the General Questions section like you suggested.

Hi Marty,

It sounds like you've made a very good start in Plan A. And your WH (Wayward Husband) sounds like he's following the fog script precisely:
loves you but not in love with you, won't let you meet his most important emotional needs, etc.
Keep your expectations low and you will be less likely to feel hurt and to react in anger (LB'ing). Stay in Plan A but be careful not to give your husband the false impression that he can eat cake, or that the current situation has ANY chance of becoming a permanent arrangement.
It is advised to let the WS (Wayward Spouse) know that they have to make a decision, choosing either you or the OP (Other Person). There is a time limit on Plan A'ing a WS... but you don't give them a specific date (keep that to yourself). Never saying anything about a time limit on the one hand, or telling exactly how long they have to decide on the other hand, allows the WS to further prolong and deepen the affair.

Have you done anything yet to expose the affair?
Exposure is one of the things the BS (Betrayed Spouse) is advised to do during Plan A.
It's great that somebody anonymously exposed the affair to you! (Somebody they work with?) Whoever it is, they obviously are an ally of sorts in wanting the affair exposed and ended! Do you know who the OW is? Does she have a boyfriend or husband? If so, exposure to him should be done ASAP. Does their boss know yet? Don't worry that it will anger your WH and the OW or will cause them problems at work. Exposing the affair is not considered an LB. Have you told any relatives yet?

Good luck with Plan A.

Oh, and the Bible verses you posted were great! Thanx for posting them. I needed to hear those words.

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

meremortal,

Thank you for the supportive words. Please have a look at the thread that has followed my post in the General Questions section. We've been discussing those same issues you brought up, and I would love your input.