I found out about my wife's EA with a coworker on 7/14/04 and it set me back so far. I have handled things well so far in that she has stayed here with me sleeping in another room but has agreed to stop seeing the OP till she decideds what to do about us.

Problem is, she has kept her problems with my use of porn and some other little things bottled up inside of her so long that I think it has turned into a nurousis of self doubt and hatred for me. She really is a wonderful person who is struggling with the fact that she is not in love with me but recognizes the view God has of marriage.

For my part, I have laid everything on God, poured out my heart, the sins and repented, and I have been blessed with at least a temporary disdain for porn and a wonderful feeling of living in truth with application of the Basic Concepts. She sees this but still sees me in the jaded color of the past.

I have asked her to join me with a counselor and we almost made 1 appointment but the emotions welled up in her as she got close and she chickened out. Understandable, as she hs this stuff all bottled up and is afraid to let it out.

I am trying to give her space, but I am a wreck. I am a chronic fixer, I think it is a guy thing, but I am having so much trouble being patient while she comes to terms with things and decides to begin the second phase of Plan A, working on the marriage.

At present, all I can do is try to spend time with her in a positive way depositing Love Units. The main LBs I have trouble avoiding is to suggest anything about working on us. As long as I avoid that, we can be pleasant and I can work on building my LB account. My problem is that I have a basic need of seeking progress or I get ready to throw in the towel.

How do I cope, get sleep (got a hole 1 1/2 hrs last night), stay up, etc...? How do you stay sane through this?

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Weekends are very slow, so you might want to switch to the general questions forum. There is more traffic there.

You have come to the right place for help. Your wife is behaving in the typical WW fashion. Right now she is still attached to OM, but that will change if she has no contact.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

It is miserable at first, but gets much better. We have all been through the sleepless nights, and the stress of not having any of our needs met. But it is best not to talk too much about relationship issues right now.

Try doing some fun things together. And keep reading and posting here. We will help you through this.

I'm sure other people here will agree with me, but you should still seek counseling. It will help you, and your WW may eventually join you.

It took me a long time to realize the importance of NOT talking about your relationship. The goal is to focus on GOOD times with your WW. When you talk about your relationship, you tend to focus on what's BAD about your relationship. Plan A is all about improving yourself and working on your relationship in the process.

Take it from me, took 3 months to get that through my head. Things are better with my WW without me talking about the relationship all the time, now we save that for our counseling sessions.

Well, it came to a head this morning and the decision is made. She wants to get a divorce, get out and get on with a life without me around. Something new to get adjusted to now, managing an amicable divorce and then a new life for myself.

Hmmm. Well they are all the same. They want an instant divorce. But as you continue reading here, you will see that it doesn't usually happen.

Don't give up. You can do this.

Try to stay in Plan A. Tell her that you don't want a divorce, but can't control what she does.

Well you are right. Last night while I was fixing dinner after a day of wrking my butt off on a project at the house and washing the cars, she walked into the kitchen to give me a hand. I told her I had it almost done and to just take it easy. She got obviously emotional and started to tear up and left the room.

I got a minute freed up soon as I could and I went in to the room where she was sitting and I simply told her that she didn't have to do this now, no hurry in any of this. I promised her that I would live with the Basic Concepts and that no longer would I do things she didn't agree to or have a cloud of secrecy about anything. That what she has been seeing is what she can expect.

She won't agree to a specific time but has agreed to continue to consider staying. She thinks that since the division of property is so amicable (we reached a quick agreement that neither thinks is fair, but that's the nature of a compromise) we should continue to work the mediated divorce and stop it mid-stream should she change her mind.

The turmoil in her heart is not so much the OP, but she has tried very hard to be good enough for me for so long and any time I looked at porn, it drove her batty, but she sufferred in silence. I sufferred as a poor Christian hating myself but drawn in some odd way, and this cycle was started and not checked till now. It feels so good to be freely open and I really feel relieved a a huge burden with this coming out. The porn has stopped and today we will be going to an outdoor concert and garden stroll, then dinner. Looking to put more and more LUs in the LB.

Question remains for me, since she has this thing in her mind that has happened over time but won't go see a therapist to get it out and get rid of it, how do I help to overcome it? That is the crux of saving the marriage. At present, I think I will see the therapist and try to have him help me with it. Kind of a vicarious treatment.

By the way, thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I am getting none anywhere else except through prayer.

Continue to do what you are doing. It takes time, and she will not believe the changes in you at first. But if you consistently treat her well, she will start thinking she is making a mistake.

Try posting on general questions. You will get lots more support. But I think you are doing very, very well.

Grasping1...i think as you read and post here that time and time again you will read that it is what your spouse DOES, not what they SAY that counts. Your wife is still living with you and obviously feels a great deal of emotion towards you. Give this time and keep doing the fabulous things that you are doing to serve her and be a better person. It really sounds like you are doing a great PlanA ! Keep it up and keep posting !

Grasping1 - How are you doing? My situation has many similarities to yours. I will be facing my WW in 72 hours; the first time since D-Day, 3-August

Well, she is still here only because I have been very accomodating as we work through the divorce. She is not going to be derailed in this and rejects any offer to slow it down. I am not giving her anything to use as amunition but she clings to what is past and claims it as the moral justificaiton for her actions. I think it is all about independance more than anything else. In the mean time, I have tried to put a life together showing some stregnth and ability to cope post the divorce. It is real tough believing that she will ever come back to me.

Has she filed anything? Until she does its just words. Please keep PlanAing..

Yes, last Friday the papers were submitted. It is amicable and no lawyers. I took her to dinner last night and we had a very pleasent time. There have been no fights but she is resolved to go through with it. I expect to be working this issue as a suitor when she move out competing with all of the boys from her work that will jump when the ring comes off. As I have said, she is a quite charming and beautiful woman so I would be naive to think I won't have competition. I do have my 21 yr old daughter elisted to keep some presure on her to reconsider. I have lost any moral gounds from which to question her decision. I got Zig Zigler's Courtship after Marriage book and asked her to read part of it where he lays out the minimum to do before seeking divorce. Had no effect. She says its all the same stuff and isn't going to work. What it is going to take is for her to grow to love me again by me making LB deposits and the grace of God to enable her to grow in forgiveness. As for me, the things I did to offend are past and I do not have to worry about Love Busters with the exception of those that arise as I try to protect myself in divorce.

Protecting yourself in divorce is not a lovebuster. It seems to me that you are doing very, very well. Continue to try to do fun things together.

I would not bring up relationship talk. Just show her by your actions.

Believer, I have to ask. Why not bring up relationship stuff now? I don't fully understand. It seems kind of intuitive, it does bring up difficult emotions associated witht the fact that she is intending to leave, but why exactly do you avoid it?

You don't bring up relationship talk now, because they don't want to hear it. They already know that what they did is wrong. All they do is keep justifying their actions, so they won't feel guilty.

So you stay in Plan A, and try to do as many fun things as she will. Show her (don't tell her) what a great life she would have with you.

She is not filled with guilt for what she has done, she is living with the fact that she does not have any eros love for me though she is a good friend and loves me as a friend. I have hurt her enough through the past years that she does not believe we can rekindle eros love. I have tried to convince her that unless she sees a MC with me she has nothing to base that on. She will not go and is going to leave because of the fact that she want's to be able to love some one fully and she does not think it will ever be me.

Grasping - All of that is fogtalk. She CAN regain her love for you. But she has to be willing to try.