Well, H managed to get me royally PO'd this evening, but I didn't lovebust--although I'm sure he knows I'm PO'd.<BR> We were grabbing a burger, and chatting with some folks about the local elections. H made the remark that a friend of ours is a good candidate to consider for a state office. I said that yes, the friend is a really smart man and would likely do the best job he could, BUT I have problems voting for someone who thinks Bill Clinton is wonderful (yep, I'm a die-hard conservative ). Then, the other folks said something about Clinton's shenanigans, and H said, "Well, his personal life is really nobody's business." I said that I don't consider oral sex with a subordinate in OUR oval office to be Clinton's "personal business." An affair with some woman not connected with government in HER house, while horribly wrong, would be what I would consider to be between him and Hillary.<BR> H said, "Nope, it's still his personal business. Everybody has a personal life that is nobody else's business." Well, that was like waving a red flag at a bull!!! I said, "Well, your personal life is my business." He looked at me, SMIRKED, and said, "No, it's not."<BR> Oooooooh!!! I just can't WAIT for him to ask me something so I can tell him that it's my "personal business!" <BR> So, now I'm sitting here thinking "Does he think that his screwing around is none of my business??? Does he think bringing home an STD that I suffered with (he was asymptomatic) was none of my business???? AAAARGGGHHHH!!!!" <BR> Things have been pretty great for us lately, but I've been a little uneasy about things being TOO good. And, then he has to make an @$$h*** remark like that!!!<BR> Right now, I'm not thinking "divorce"; I'm thinking "murder"!!!!<P><BR> <BR>

My H sound like your H........The timing of the Bill Clinton thing could not have been worse, as everyone has an opinion and it all hits too close to home for me! <P>My H also, make these comments, like "it's none of my business", and I've learned to just back off when he does.....maybe he's right, we all have personal thoughts, the difference is if you don't voice them then you don't have to remind people to butt out....<P>I'm learning to go with the flow, but it's hard. Now, because I only ask routine questions (like how was your day) and really listen....he seems happier. I nolonger ask leading or open ended questions. I don't probe......This all seems to keep the peace, but now I feel like there is no connection between us......Maybe I'm going into withdrawl????<P>Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I feel this way too. Keep your head up, and chose to be happy.

Because my husband's first marriage ended in divorce due to infidelity - they both cheated but she had the last exit affair, and my first husband had multiple affairs and then an exit affair, - he always used to tell our kids and other newly married couples "YOU NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE" and usually went into why, and how you can destroy something that he felt you could never get back. I always agreed with him.<P>So, as we are watching this movie about Michael Landon and how he cheated on his wife and the hurt from his son's perspective - my husband sided with Michael Landon - and said it was his wife's fault he cheated....<P>I had been suspicious my husband was cheating. At that moment - reality hit me. I went to bed, lovebusted like crazy - and asked what happened to him that his values changed. How could his values change "during" a movie.... <P>Thank God I found MB - and we are rebuilding. <P>

Can't figure them out! My h defended my brother when he left my sister-in-law,for a woman 15 years younger, but thinks Clinton is terrible for all of his affairs. Of course my husbands girlfriend is 15 years younger too. Now he doesn't want to tell me about his plans to move out. I guess its none of my business.

I couldn't but help think of the following scripture in response to what your H said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>1 Corinthians 7:4<BR>The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

YES!!!<P> Rob, that's EXACTLY the way it should be, for when we marry, we are supposed to become as ONE PERSON!!!<BR>So, how can we (as ONE PERSON) keep secrets from ourselves!!!<P> And, OnceHappy I don't mean that he should have to tell me every thought that crosses his mind, but if he's out screwing another woman or being emotionally involved with another woman, then YES, it darned sure IS my business!!

I also got told it was none of my business who he was "talking to". IMO, when you are married to someone (much less for 25 years) it is one's business when the other is sneaking around to see someone of the opposite sex!!

This plan A stuff works - was the topic of one of the threads. Yes it does. When thinking gets so far away from what is right, like the adultering spouse, there are consequences. But the rewards when the wayward spouse changes are important to look forward too.<P>We've recently been receiving some great financial blessings. From all kinds of angles. My husband's work, good ole' Jessie Ventura, and husband was recently named on a will. We've been having extra money every month for months now.<P>You know, the financial blessings are totally in line with the change in attitude of my husband toward our marriage. He recently commented about this - and I told him in Malachi (The last book of the old testament) that God says he will withold the blessings if a husband is treacherous to their faithful wives.....<P>This concept is threaded throughout Malachi 2. Husband is starting to give creedence to God because he is actually seeing that God's principles really are right.<P>

huh, my favorite lines of my H through all this have been:"get out of my life" (when i was sorting piles of his years' old papers), "you have no right to keep me from anyone" (in an email, claims it was a typo), and on clinton, "it's not the sex, it's the LYING" (indeed?).<BR>He says, "i don't read through YOUR stuff!" hey, why not? i have nothing to hide--i think the truth is that he knows it!

Amazing how that standard becomes flexable. <BR>During my W affair a friend of ours (male) was having an affair and he was called scum.<P>It was not justified for my FIL to cheat on my MIL, but it was justifed when her daughter did it.

To add to this double standard thing:<P>The day H and I started dating exclusively, his exact words were<BR>"If you cheat on me, you're history."<P>Funny, in the 9 years we've been together (4 dating, 5 married), he's cheated 3 times. Me? ZERO.<P>I guess it's a good thing I didn't make the same promise to him, huh?<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Shoni (edited August 26, 1999).]

Shoni, no, but you made the vow...<P>Nice how he made a history for himself. Now you doubt his story.<P>Some of yus just know right from wrong and natrually avoid wrong. Could it be any eaisier?

You know something? I think H throws out those little comments on purpose.<P>It's like he's got it in his head that if he can keep me wondering about his fidelity, I'll keep working my butt off trying to be a sweet and loving wife so he won't stray again. He just get this "SMIRK" on his face and snickers at me when he says this stuff. If that's what he's doing, I want no part of it! I'll be danged if I'm going to put up with his feeding my doubts so as to "keep me in line."<BR> There's more that I'm angry about too, but I'll put that in another post.

Sweet Pea,<BR>Trust me when I say I fight the urge to DEMAND to know where my husband is 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. That doesn't mean that I don't ask questions about where he is or what he is doing. One thing that has helped me is a verse that my counselor gave me. Galations 5:1 says "do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." If we enslave our h they will always be pulling against their chain. We need to let them have free will. That does not mean that we become a doormat, we just let them make the choice to become one and sacrifice their freedom for us or not. It still doesn't make it any easier to go through but at least we then know that they truly want to be with us. Since I have given up trying to be my h keeper he really wonders what is up and willingly is spending more time with me. We will see how long this continues, but the stress for me is alot less. I don't have to be the mighty detective any longer. He can choose to stay or leave -- he knows I prefer that he stay -- but he also knows I will survive if he goes.<P>You really don't want your marriage to become a tug-o-war with all of the rules. I am still trying to work all of the details out because I like rules so I can know where I stand. <P>Now he should not be playing games with your feelings. Get the book Boundaries and find out how to set up a healthy boundary to not allow him to treat you that way!!

Derby,<BR> You know something? I have not even asked my H to account for his time during the day. Last summer, I was in a frenzy for about a week trying to figure out how to catch them, but when I calmed down, I realized how silly that was. My H works out of his truck and could be anywhere within a 90 mile radius.<BR> That's why I decided not to say a word about knowing who OW was. The only problem was that my girlfriend's ex was over at her house and snuck around the side of the house to eavesdrop on our conversation. He then told my H--effectively ruining any chance of my learning the truth on my own.<BR> Other than a few blowups--after which things seemed to improve, believe it or not--I've managed to stay fairly loving and affectionate and eliminate a good many of the things that I think were lovebusters. I just tried to change the things that he was extremely critical of (which were many ). Sometimes, I think that he is just too demanding for me to put up with, which is probably why I may have withdrawn from him somewhat over the years. I'm talking about a guy who used to get mad if I didn't make home-made biscuits and fixed toast a couple of times a week. I mean that if he sat down to toast at breakfast, he would literally get up and storm out the door. Needless to say, I got to the point where I didn't even WANT to make biscuits for him. I went for short-term counseling then, and mustered up the ability to just speak up and tell him that if he walked out the door without eating the good breakfast I fixed him just because I made toast instead of biscuits, I would never, ever make him another biscuit as long as I lived. To my surprise, he stopped, turned around and sat back down and ate his breakfast.<P>So, I'm starting to think, "Maybe I need to get tougher with him." I think he respects me more when I don't tolerate his foolishness.

Sweet Pea,<BR>I just get the biggest kick out of your name because you are one lady who is on top of things Good for you. I think our men do appreciate us more when we do take stands and are not doormats. I have a very strong personality that I really struggle to control so I am not the doormat type either. My husband is a perfectionist but a conflict avoider so instead of saying something to me if I don't make "biscuits," he just stews about it. To make his affair easier for him to justify, he did say that he was looking for any little old thing to be negative about. Now he is looking at some of the good things and things are improving. I'd be much more at ease if I could just kick his butt and set some rules! That is not going to happen which in the long run is good. I am learning to extend grace to my husband. He truly does plan on sticking around for the long haul so this is going to be a long building process. Who knew when we said "I do" that there was so much work involved in being married.