Ok, guys......D day is approaching...Feb 10th to be exact. ..we have been very civil to each other, I am in Plan B, except that we work together ( own a business together although he has been out of town a lot in the past 4 months). We are meeting on Wednesday night to finalize our property settlement. The divorce is his idea, and I guess I could have raised a bigger stink about it, but trying to stay in Plan B, telling him I want our marrriage but until OW is out of the picture, there can be no reconciliation. I have no idea where he stands with OW. I finally decidied not to contact her H anymore, it was just too painful to relive it all, so I have no "inside"info on whether they are still communicating. (She lives 1200 miles away, but they have been together in the last few months) . Do I maintain a complete professional personna during our discussion? Do I come out and say again that I want our marriage? Do I say nothing, let the divorce go on as planned, and then see what happens? He still at times tells me he still cares, feels like a heel, but cannot ( will not) discontinue contact with her. I cannot see this relationship with her working out. She is much younger, has three small children, her H would NOT let her move with the kids out here, and my H says he is not going anywhere, he wants to be with his kids. Now, that does not mean it wouldn't happen, but the chances are pretty small, unless he just decides to lose it all (kids and business) and go to her. I need advice as to how to talk to him this Wednesday......would it be a lovebuster to discuss the issue of our marriage??<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Susan,<P>You're just a few steps ahead of me on all of this... <BR>When I'm there... slap me upside the head... <P>Talking to him would <B>not</B> be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>!<P>What you say to him may be!!!!<P>You can always say to him you "want the marriage"... I would...<BR>But... you can't educate him... even in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>! He is adult enough to know the consequences...<P>Is there anything you can do to stop the divorce???<P>If he can(will) not stop contact with the OW... you have no other choice...<P>I read the situation about the OW/her family/your family... Your H, I'm sure, understands it too... And if he's still under that addiction there is nothing you can say... <P>I'm beiginning to realize this more and more with my W too. It's <B>their</B>(our spouses) decision.<P>Like your situation, I don't see anything happening with my W and OM. Sometime around the time of my divorce my stepson is going to file a complaint against my W for misappropriations of Social Security funds... in the tune of $20K-30K... When the OM finds out... I doubt very much he will want to marry my W! Where will she be then... another step closer to rock bottom... It's only when our spouses hit some form of "rock bottom" that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> ends with their return to us...<BR>If not...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> ends by us moving on...<P>This does so s**k!<P>Ok... so what to talk about...<BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> Confirm your love for him now (he doesn't need to know the damaged condition of that love...)<BR><LI> Affirm to him you have grown... and changed for the better....<BR><LI> Confirm you ability to accept him back... on the condition of him separating from the OM...<BR><LI> Llet him know... it is <B>his</B> decision... (he's not a child... it's time!)<BR></OL><P>Prayers for strength to you good friend... <P>Jim<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 10, 2000).]

Jim, <BR>Thanks for responding.....I so often feel that I am on a journey that, no matter which way it works out, has made me a better person, more open, loving, and ready to give a relationship what it truly needs, constant care and cultivation. I really feel that is what happened in my marraige. The issues ( esp work related) drove a wedge between us, a lot of stress on both of us at the time, and while I choose to delve into my work and my kids, he choose an internet affair to escape the pain we were both causing each other. Looking back, we never fought much, never did converse much, either. We just grew very distant from each other. When the affair first came out ( 2 yrs ago), I took a very active role in trying to make the marriage work. I think he already had decided he wanted out. It just took this long for me to admit it. But, I am optimistic about my future, either way. I know i have a lot to offer my H, should he chhose to accept it. If not, then I will first take care of myself, then open my life up to another relationship down the road. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Susan,<P>A brave woman...<BR>You've struggled hard...<P>The struggle isn't completely over... but what you've said is so human.<P>I pray your H comes to his senses... but if you build up the expectation that he will... and he fails... you hurt only yourself.<P>I know you'll make it as a much better person... you're getting better all the time... smarter... stronger... and most of all your ability to "cultivate" a new relationship will be great... I envy the next man in your life... (whether it's your H or not) <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 10, 2000).]

Dear Jim, <BR>I know I speak for many on this board when I say that your advise, wisdom, and experiences have helped so many of us.....so much of what you say rings true....as long as it is continuing, there can be no reconciliation, I know that. I have no idea at this time whether or not it is still going on. He has been acting very strange lately as well. I am not sure where this is coming from, he did say that he doesn't like to be alone with me at work because he feels like such a heel. But I have absolutely NO trust in his words. He has always been quick to say things, but never follow through. And, having this meeting with him brings up issues I need to consider carefully.....my love for him has certainly waned over the months....seems we have become strangers........if he were to meet with me on Wed, and said he is sorry and wants to try again, how do I know he is sincere?? And do I really want to open myself up again?? I cannot answer that question with a solid yes. I have gotten used to not having him around, no lies, no pain like before. Could I ever trust again? Of course, I could be thinking about this for nothing, most likely he will just get down to business and that will be that. I have looked to this forum for support and advice...now that he may be waffling, what do I REALLY want???<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Just wanted to bring this to the top, I have been up most of the night...any other advice?? Anyone else feel this sense that you are not sure??<P><BR>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by sue (edited January 12, 2000).]