When I got home from work last night, I looked through her book bag (LB for her) because I caught a glimpse of the cover. I was surprised that she was reading it. I can only assume that she is planning on leaving for sure.<P>I am SAD but relieved to some degree because I know where I am working from for certain now. It hurts that she can't see the pain that she is inflicting on herself first, on the boys second, and on me last. I still get from our oldest that I am the reason our family is falling apart. He doesn't know that the reason we are at this stage in our lives is that we played it according to her rules and now she hates it. I am in the process of doing it the way that I know it should have been done then.<P>I am very patient because He has taught it to me and gives me the strength to endure. My flesh wants to get retribution for what has occurred with all parties including her. I know this sounds harsh but sometimes we have to vent so that we don't do anything really stupid that results in regret. I know she would say Amen to that when she is capable of seeing clearly.<P>We are making progress somewhat. She was really upset for some reason this morning. She didn't say a word and was highly upset when I left a message for the groceries that needed to be bought on her voicemail on her pager. I was only following her instructions to let her know what was needed. For some reason she is grasping at straws to find justification to do what she wants to do. I haven't been saying anything unless spoken to. I even got her a God Loves You and So do I card because she said she had a bad day on Tuesday. I wrote is there anything I could do to make your day better. I didn't even get a thank you. I ran an errand for her and didn't get a thank you.<P>Oh well enough rambling.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P>

Rob,<P>Are you making an assumption that she will want to get a divorce because she boughtt a divorce recovery book?<P>Maybe she wants to investigate and see what may lie ahead IF things ever got to that point. just a thought...<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree,<BR>Thanks. MONDO HUG!!<P>I thought about it from that standpoint as well. However, I am also looking at her behavior to see that she is probably leaning more towards leaving than staying. She made the comment about choosing and old beat up car over a man on Tuesday night when I offered to please her in any fashion she wanted to include sexually.<P>I do believe she is investigating her options because if she does go through with it I will be cutting her off financially beyond what would come out of the divorce decree. I still plan on taking care of her but only upon my death. She will remain the beneficiary on all accounts and insurance policies.<P>She has verbally agreed to let the boys stay with me. It affords me the best opportunity to still care for her in the most efficient manner. I just wish that she would see me the way that I see her. I have had to much time to think about how she has never seen me the way that I see her. I knew it at the beginning. However, I never thought we would cross this bridge. It hurts me deeply, but being here for her now will let her know how much I really love her when I die. I tell the boys all the time how much I love her so that they will be able to comfort her when I am gone.<P>This reminds me of a story that was onFocus on the Family. A lady was in her home alone for Christmas. Her H had recently died earlier that year. She was very despondent about being alone for Christmas since her H had died. A knock on the door reveal a guy with a package. In the package was a golden retriever puppy which had been house broken along with all dog food and the other things necessary to take care of the dog. She asked the delivery guy who bought the dog. He told her it was her husband. He had written her a letter that explained everything. In my feeble attempts (her definition) to be there for her, I am thinking as far in advance as possible to let her know that I have always been here for her even though she has never thought so. You never really know what you are missing until you don't have access to it any more. <P>I want her to know that I love her with God's love because I know that the sinner that I am would love to be nasty. Yes, I have those thoughts until I read His word and He lets me know that I can't do those things and love Him. I am not a martyr. I just know that I must be there for her as she was there for me in the way that He wanted her to be there for me which was to actually try and understand the real me. She was the first person to actually show me that she wanted to get to realy know me on a very personal level.<P>Satan is very busy. Yet, I know I have the victory through Jesus at Calvary.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P>

Rob,<P>Your story is far from finished here. Keep on praying. Your W my yet decide to "spread her wings" some, and there really isn't a whole lot you can do to stop that. of course, giving here only what she is entitled to financially will help her to see the situation with reality. I sense she is still sorting things out - weighing her options, so to speak. Continue to try to be her "best option".<P>See my post on my latest session with Steve. Remember that all the loves and kindnesses you extend today, may be planting the seeds for a better relationship between the two of you later. What has been so hard for me to accept has been doing all this work and having nothing to SHOW for it. I have personal growth and that is good. But, somehow, I wanted something more tangible to have occured - like maybe my H to actually DO something for our marriage!<P>I keep praying and doing my best to give it to God. You seem to have done a better job with that than me. And, most times you appear to cope better than me, too. Obviously for us, our ability to give our lives over to God plays a major role in how well we can survive and emerge from this ordeal.<P>Keep strong, Rob, as God has a plan for you to be the role model for your children.<P>Wishing you well,<P>Desiree<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Professorg,<BR>I agree that she may just be investigating her options, and that she may not be planning on doing anything. Hang in there, stay strong! <P>It is frustrating to have all those books out there telling people how to have a "great" life after divorce. That is ok if you are not the one initiating it, because you have no choice in the decision, but for the initiator, I think it sends the wrong message.

Desiree,<BR>Outside my low moments which have been more frequent lately, I am hanging in there. God is showing me that I must be there for her so that when her eyes are open she will feel comfort in knowing that I was there for her.<P>It dawned on me this morning that I probably will get stuck (in a positive way) with paying for the cell phone bill that OM ran up. She bought earrings yesterday that really should have waited until we cleared up the cash flow shortage created by OM running up her cell phone bill. As with the money that I lent to OM (before I suspected anything, stupid me from the worldly perspective; good for me from God's perspective because I showed OM God's love), I don't ever expect to get it back. Though about taking OM to small claims court to retrieve the money he owes both of us until God hit me between the eyes with a 2X4 and said not to. We could use the money but are not desparate for it.<P>TheStudent,<BR>It is a shame that Satan can so easily dupe us. However, the key is for us to keep our eye on the prize: Jesus. He will guide our steps so that we are molded in His image.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P>

Rob,<P>The lows we all experience are just one more opportunity to draw closer to Him. He shows us each day our everlasting need to have Him in our lives and for us to lay our problems at His feet.<P>I keep trying...sometimes I do better than others. Rightt now I have a sense of "calm"...it is very strange, but also a welcome feeling. I have been praying daily to the Holy Spirit to put peace in my heart despite all this. I am sure that my prayers have been answered. No matter what happens on my date with my H next week, I know that God has made me strong enough to face it. I am prepared to work harder than ever for marital recovery if my H will try, I am prepared to do a real PlanB if needed, and I am prepared to be divorced by my H if that is his chosing. <P>Does this mean I have finally given this to God?????????<P>Desiree<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree,<BR>I would say <B>resoundingly</B> <B><I>YES</I></B>!!!!<P>I did that with the first affair. However, I never thought I would get to an 8th affair and still feel such deep pain. I do know that some of it is because she is in great pain. The rest is mine.<P>May God richly bless you on your date with your H.<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P>