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#51370 01/13/00 03:36 PM
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PeterH Offline OP
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Well, here's the story. She's been acting more distant and strange for the past 2 months. I suspected something was going on, but failed to think about WHY it might be going on.<P>Due to a situation, she and I live 2 hours apart for now (she goes to school). Well, one night last week she told me she was going to see a good band with her friends Cheryl and Kelly, and would be in early (around 11). We manage to talk every night on the phone for at least a little while. Well, at 2:30am, I was worried...she wasn't home, and no call. By 3:00am, I was in my car and headed there. Her mother lives in that area as well, and I called her to see if she knew if everything was okay. Her mother knew nothing. <P>At around 4:00am, when I was almost there, the phone at her place went busy. It stayed busy the rest of the drive to her. Both her mother and I could not figure out what was going on.<P>When I arrived in front of her cottage, there was a green pickup parked out front. That did NOT sit well with me. So, I went to the door and knocked. After 5 minutes, I heard someone coming downstairs...and finally she opened the door, pulling a robe on in the process.<P>I immediately asked her what was going on (pointing to the truck). She had a hard, cold look on her face and said "I can't believe this". I asked again...she told me to go home. I couldn't do that. I walked in past her and saw the upstairs light was on. I walked up there, and beheld the sight of a naked man in the bed. I confronted him, asking him who he was. I got little information from him save that he thought she and I were already finished (news to me). <P>I walked back downstairs and asked her WHY. She said it was because I'd been acting so weird lately...which I had been a bit because of the distance I'd been perceiving. I then asked her how long it had been going on...she said it was the first night. I then asked her HOW she could do this, and got a cold look followed by "I'm not in love with you anymore.".<P>I left at that point...ended up at her mother's spilling my guts...then driving home.<P>She called me the next evening. I was not accusatory...instead I said I wanted to talk to her...make things right. She told me the guy was a friend of hers, and that indeed, she'd been talking to him about the problems between the two of us (I had NOT been being very open and communicative with her). I told her I still loved her dearly and wanted to work things out. She told me that we could go to dinner in a day or so and talk about things, and to call her the next day to arrange it. She did say all she could think about was how hurt I must have been, but also how she was afraid she'd screwed up her friendship with this guy. <P>I called her the next day...she'd apparently been talking to her mother, and was more angry with me at this point. It wasn't a great conversation, even though I was trying to avoid the issue of what happened and focus on how it GOT there.<P>The next day I decided to drive down there. I got 30 minutes out and called her. She was NOT happy I was coming...she said she didn't feel well and the last thing she wanted to do was have a heavy discussion. She did let me come though, and I tried to talk calmly with her about why it happened. She basically attacked me left and right, saying all I'd managed to do was anhiliate any feelings she had for me. I did tell her I recognized what she was talking about, she said she didn't feel like she really knew me at that point. Told me how this guy listened to her and talked openly to her...and she just fell into it from there. <P>She was very hostile, mean, aggressive, and hurtful in that hour I spent there. Still, I tried not to react in the same manner back. I told her I missed her and loved her very much and wanted to work things out. I told her I felt like I had lost her...she replied that I had. I said I wanted to fix it...and she replied by saying if I was looking for reassurance at that point, I wasn't going to get it. I needed to change. (Mind you, this is over a lack of communication...no abuse is involved here...I love this woman very much).<BR>She also said she didn't regret what happened.<P>I left her place and went home. She did leave me a voice message while I was driving saying she never meant to be mean. <P>I wrote her a couple of e-mails telling her how I felt about her, that I missed her, that I recognized where I had let her down with communication, and that I wanted her to talk to me, and have me listen to her. She never replied. <P>I went to my mother's for a couple of days, leaving her with a couple more e-mails saying I hoped to hear from her when I got back, and that I missed her terribly. Nothing has come of it yet.<P>Does anyone have any advice here? I love her more than anything else in this world, and I realize a lot of anger is bounding around because she's embarrassed she got caught, and a whole barrage of other emotions. I feel lost...I can't sleep, eat, concentrate, etc. I miss her.<P>Is there any hope here at all?<BR>

#51371 01/13/00 03:56 PM
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WELCOME PETE TO THE FORUM!<BR>I m surprised I m here first - i m sure the official welcome will follow.<P>Sorry to hear why you are here, know the situation all to weell, as do all of us here, some of us been betrayed, some betrayers.<P>very simple - read, post, read, post, read, post. You will feel insane, stop eating, become a zombie , etc.<P>allow me to reccomend anit-deps..seriously. saved my life.<P>also, find the books lovebusters, surviving an affair, and others.<BR>read everything about why affairs happen, and how to react to them. We cant guarantee we will save your relationship - only that you can make it thru.<P>welcome to you and stay.

#51372 01/13/00 03:59 PM
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Sounds like you need to find yourself another woman. Do you really want someone who cheats. Take it from me (someone who knows), after you cheat the first time, it just gets easier. If she did it once, she'll more than likely do it again. Too bad she couldn't have broken off the relationship before she got to the point of cheating.<BR>Chin up,<BR>Londonite

#51373 01/13/00 05:39 PM
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Hi Peter,<P> Sorry you're here, we've all been through this one way or another. I disagree with Londenite, once they cheat does not mean they will always cheat.... the betrayer usually becomes " temporarily insane". Take it from Covenant, read, read, read and post, find out the nature and typical path of affairs....they are remarkably similar in alot of ways. Hang on for the rollercoaster ride of your life. Try to get Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair asap.....hang in there Peter.....Lu

#51374 01/13/00 05:44 PM
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Welcome <B>PeterH</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>This is not an unfamiliar to story...<BR>We're here for you...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>There is hope... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>But there is <B>work</B> ahead for you...<P>Remember... Do Plan A!<BR>and get the book!<P><BR>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

#51375 01/13/00 06:12 PM
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PeterH Offline OP
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Thank you everyone for the welcome. My only question as of yet is this...is there hope? As of right now, she isn't speaking to me at all, won't reply to e-mails, etc. <P>I don't want to push her by calling directly, so instead I've been sending little notes, e-mails, etc. Telling her I miss her, and that I'm here if she wants to talk.<P>

#51376 01/13/00 10:20 PM
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yes, there's hope.<BR>you are still really early in this. read around, and you'll see some of us have been going through this for YEARS (My H was away from me for a lot of this year, and ended up living with OW without my knowledge, and she got mad when she called me and found out there was no divorce, and he got a different job and came home. distance is soooo hard)<BR>hang in there, plan A her to death, and do the emotional needs questionnaire with her, to find out what she really needs from you.<BR>good luck, and glad you found us here.

#51377 01/14/00 01:02 AM
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Peter,<P>Hi and welcome. I am glad NSR was his usual self and gave you the official greeting, information and links.<P>You are in good company here. You will be treated well and cared for greatly.<P>It is very late here and you've already been told a lot to digest but, hear me and hear me loud and clear <B>YES, there is hope. Much hope!</B> Hang on for dear life it will be a scary and bumpy roller coaster ride. We'll be here to hold your hand. People much more adebt at this then me will guide you.<P>I offer my prayers for you and my mostly lurking eye. <P>Take a deep breath and do your best to relax and read, read, read and read some more. Absorb it all and then read it again.<P>Lean on the Lord first. Pray harder than you ever have in your life. There are many successful stories here.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P>

#51378 01/14/00 02:52 PM
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PeterH Offline OP
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Well, here's some news. Today, she did finally reply to my last two e-mails. She simply said:<P>"thanks for the e-mail. I haven't called you for two reasons: one, i'm still in emotional shock...and thought. secondly i can hardly speak because i have laryrngitis. i should have known better than not to take it easy after having the flu last weekend.<P>i'm house-sitting for the Haas' this weekend.<P>i'll call you when i get back."<P>That was the sum of it. The Haas' are the people she works for part time (she's a horse trainer and got a job with them). I'm not sure how to take this.<P>I left her a reply telling her what was going on with me (general things...day-to-day), and left it off saying I miss her and love her.<P>Anyone out there have any opinions here? I'm concerned because the guy I caught her with stated (when I confronted him...see my original message) when asked how long it had been going on that "what does it matter...I see her almost every day". She had told me later that he was a good friend of hers and a horse trainer from nearby. <P>I don't know how to take this message from her. I want to have hope, but at the same time I don't want to have false hope. I would assume if she were just throwing in the towel she'd have just not replied, or said as much.<P>Someone give me some strength here...<BR>

#51379 01/14/00 02:59 PM
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PeterH Offline OP
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anyone..<BR>

#51380 01/14/00 04:33 PM
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Peter,<BR>I am reading your story.......<BR>I can't imagin living apart at all, let alone 2 hours away!<BR>How long have you been married? Must be no children?<BR>Like lWb said, this is really early in this,,,,,You both have alot of work to do. <BR>The distance issue is where to start IMO. You are probably in shock right now. Head spinning. Pretty soon you will have a lot of different emotions to deal with.<BR>You need to get into counseling, together. You need to get together to start with!<BR>There is alot of hope!!!!!!!! Depending on how you feel about each other.... You are right to tell her how you feel, but she needs to know how hurt you are too. She needs to see that she has hurt you because of what she did, she needs to see how much you love her, not just hear the words. She needs to see what she would miss if she leaves or IF you leave her. That's what shocked my H out of his Bad Brain Period. He didn't want to loose me, he thought he could have both. It is only a fantasy thing, until it is found out, then it isn't fun anymore. No deep feelings there.<BR>It may just be a lonely thing with her, she needs to have you all the time. (out of sight, out of mind) ?<BR>It is so weird.....we as the betrayed are the ones who end up doing all the work. <BR>Can she transfer to another school? <BR>I'm thinking.........keep posting........<P>AH<P>--------<BR>TIME [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#51381 01/14/00 04:37 PM
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HI Peter,<BR> What the others said, YES there is hope. I would suggest you call Steve Harley (look under the counseling part of MB). The rollercoaster will be crazy since the affair is underway.....they almost always fizzle out one way or the other. Get the books everyone suggested , it will tell you what you are most likely in for.....hang in there.LU

#51382 01/14/00 06:30 PM
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PeterH Offline OP
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I know the distance thing is a barrier and a problem, but unfortunately nothing much can be done about it right now.<P>Here's the thing...she's at the closest school she can be at for her chosen field. I on the other hand am a pilot with the Navy. I'm fortunate that I have a semi-permanent duty station with a squadron that is land based.<P>And yes, we're relatively new (compared to many on here). <P>My concern right now is that she is "blowing it off" in an attempt to make me call it quits. She HAS done that before with other relationships in her past. The other part of me says if that were the true case it would be very easy at this point for her to just end it also.<P>I'd always told her in the past that if I caught someone cheating on me that'd be it...I'd silently be out the door and gone. In the past that has been true...I've been cheated on in relationships before...and that's been my usual response. <P>I guess this entire relationship has made me realize how much I really do love her...and I miss her terribly.<P>Things like this certainly do make you think though. Wondering if perhaps I was more in love than she was...wondering if I can get it back, wondering if the other man is still around (she says it was a friend and a one-time thing...but I don't know about that).<P>I realize also that she's in a situation now. I'm sure she wonders if we could ever do the things we did before without my constantly thinking about this, wonders how she could explain this to friends and family (who do know) especially if we reconciled.<P>Damn this is such a mess. Also wondering if she's even reached the point where she's wondering about all of the above yet, or if she's just stringing it along to "see what happens". Wondering if when she gets back on Sunday or Monday if there will be a bomb waiting for me ending it all.<P>


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