I know I shouldn't have anything to do with this board anymore. Sometimes I think I lurk and post here just to keep the hurt alive. Like somehow I can change what happened in the past if I never let it go. I don't want emotional scar tissue to form I want just a scab there that I can rip off. So my hate is renewed that this time I can do something about it. I have to admit that part of me wants to keep my hate alive with the fervent hope I can somehow get my pound of flesh yet. This hate is just eating my soul up<BR>It's so hard to 'let it go' like my wife constantly suggests. She doesn't have those horrible, sickening images of her and her scum running through her head night and day like I do. It's been over two years since discovery and some days the hurt is as fresh as the first instant she admitted she had cheated. <BR>The irony is that our marriage is better than it ever was but oh my God the demons that haunt me every waking minute! I just can't shake them, they ebb and flow in my mind. Some times moving to the forefront and then receding other times but ALWAYS there. ALWAYS THERE. Sometimes it seems so hopeless. We have shared many tremendously tender loving almost surreal moments during our recovery. But so many times the dark chill of the demons drifted into the warm sun of our love like a dark cloud. I just don't know what to do. If I thought the demons would haunt me until I died I think I would hope that would come sooner rather than later. <BR>Just how long does it take to get over it?

I must admit I do have days when it is all i think about.<P>We are divorced, so its easier for me to say forget it.<P>It only will stay as long as you hold onto it. take care.

ditto<BR>it has been a year since discovery, and 5 mos since "re-discovery" (found out the whole story)<P>yeah how long???<P>somedays are better, but some are worse than ever. the bad seems to be fewer instances and further between, but WOW what a punch. i am waiting on God and trusting him, but i would love to hear from a person too.

It has been 18 months for us.<P>It is always there. Just like you said, sometimes strong sometimes dull, but always there.<P>Something I have tried lately and it seems to work is this. As soon as the thoughts drift in I tell myself "I STILL WANT HIM". I say this over and over until I believe it again.<P>That may sound silly, but it makes me focus on the emotions I and we are having now not then.<P>I also try to tell myself that to have the trust and faith in my H that I had then I would also have to have the marriage we had then. Sure, it could have been different from the beginning if we had known all the things we know now, but if you are going to let your mind dwell on things in the past then let your mind determine the rules. Does that make sense?<P>I don't want the marriage we had then. I don't want to be the person I was then. I want to be the person I am now and I want my H to be the husband he is now. We became that through 15 years of trial and ERROR, unfortunately we went overboard on the error.<P>

Thanks for the replies. I just need to hear the obvious, again and again and again. Seriously that's what I needed to hear, I know what the answer is. It's just that it all hurts so bad

Well, although I do understand your over and over again "movie" ( I have the same thing, that lingers, that movie with the two of them in each others arms and how it runs and re-runs!) I think this happens less and less every time I think about it. Sometimes it comes up on me in a shock, like what triggered that? But it happens less and less frequently and the pain is still sharp but not as sharp as the beginning or the multiple layers of truth that had that intense pain. It feels better now, more livable, something I can talk with him honestly about and something I can let go of if I need to.........Is that strange?<BR>Sometimes when it comes up on me it surprises me, I am shocked at the intense pain that it did cause me (I can remember this intense pain of feeling like the earth came up and swallowed me whole) It's almost as if I have forgotten it and then have to remember it again. Yet, it's always there, lurking somewhere in the back of my mind. I wonder if there will EVER be a day that I don't have it lurking since it isn't as painful as before and is less frequent......what do you think? Is there ever a time when we won't have this in front of us??????<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

NeverAgain -- I think most of all the betrayed here can understand what it is you are feeling. I believe that some of the betrayed have similar feelings as well.<P>For me, it has been just over a year since discovery. I too have times when I still think and feel as though my W's infidelity occured yesterday. There are othe times, when I have to stop and think, "did this really happen?"<P>I must admit that I still feel those dark feelings a lot more than I would really like to admit to, but it does get better with time. When my demons come back to haunt me, the images are not as vivid as they used to be. The details are fading as well. I truly look forward to the day, when this will all be a distant memory. But until then, I just continue day to day.<P>I does get better NeverAgain, and a lot of the healing is totally dependent on you. As covenant said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It only will stay as long as you hold onto it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>God Bless

NeverAgain,<BR> <BR>This month marks the 2 year date since discovery for my H and me. It has been a rough 2 years and I wouldn't want to go through it again. Ever. But it has gotten better. I no longer cry daily. I still hurt but not as intensely, I still distrust but not as totally, I still have an intense dislike for the OW but not with the same urge to kill . <P>Our marriage is better than it was in most ways. We now do nearly everything together. We talk, we plan for the future, we make it a point to discuss everything and come to a mutual agreement if there is a problem. We do not shove disagreements under the rug to fester. We face each problem everyday until there is a solution we can both live with. <P>Our marriage is scarred and it will always be. How much we allow this scar to affect us is up to us. I truly believe it is a conscious decision to move on. It has been for me. Oh, don't think for one moment that I don't have my days when I totally backslide, because I do. But I have to pull myself back up and realize I have made the decision that I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with this man. I will make the best of it, with what time we have left. <P>If something were to happen to my H, I would hate to think that I spent precious time, days, months, years, in needless misery. I have made the choice to be with him and I will be happy. WE will be happy.