How do you move on after the affair? So many posts I have read are from the betrayers whose OP decided to end it. If you are the one who ended it, how do you move forward in your marriage? Do you ever get past the wondering if you are making the right choice for the right reasons?<BR>I have read all the books, including Private Lies, but still am unsure that I am making the right choice, how do you ever know?

Hi, Caterpillar.<P>I ended the affair, and I had no doubts regarding my decision. It wasn't a very hard choice at all because I realized that I had a wonderful husband and the relationship that I was involved in with the OM was fake. There's much more to it than that, but that's the jist of it.<P>I'm not sure if I'm answering your question here, but what I felt after I ended the affair was a deep seated relief. I went into a catatonic stage for several months recouping. It was as if I was "getting back to normal" (quit my job). I didn't socialize with anyone that I worked with (and I had many friends there)..I basically holed up like a hermit. Then I went through some major guilt symptoms and insecurity. <P>I know I made the right choice for the right reasons, there was NEVER any doubt about that. <P>When you said..<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you are the one who ended it, how do you move forward in your marriage? Do you ever get past the wondering if you are making the right choice for the right reasons?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I never questioned that, I only questioned why in the world I could have become involved in an affair in the 1st place.

Welcome <B>Caterpillar</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I'll give you a slightly abbreviated welcome message... you say you've "read all the books"...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! How do you move forward... one step is to start a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. There is only one "right" choice... it may not be the easy choice... but the "right" choice is obvious... especially if you've read <LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A>.<P><BR>If you've read the books, you should already know the meaning of these "terms"... but as a reference I'll give them to you anyway...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<BR>You've said you've read a lot... there will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Even for betrayers!!!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<BR>This is what will happen if the affair continues... guaranteed!<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Do ask specifically for "betrayers" help in your posts... that's how to get the most responses.... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

I for one don't think there's any 'right' choice as far as marriage and life-time commitments go...<BR>ok, now that I've got your attention, and before I get kicked out of here, lemmee explain...<BR>I too have betrayed my vows, so I understand your question. In my case, there was never a hard choice to make. My um, significant other is and has been the only woman for me. True our marriage had pretty much hit rock bottom, with neither of us happy, but nonetheless, there came a time when I just couldn't justify my actions anymore... couldn't live with the lies. So I told. She dumped me, but graciously allowed me to stay in the home and try to win her back. So far so good, but anyway, back to the point... <BR>The shame I faced over the pain I caused led me to some life shattering insights into my character; not just regarding the affair, but also my general capacity as a Husband, Father and all around person. <BR>So how did I move forward in my marriage? By deciding to BE the kind of person I wanted to be... the kind of Father I want my kids to have and the kind of Husband that my Wife deserves.<BR>My wife was right in dumping me. The kind of man she deserves would never leave her lonely within her marriage nor ever dream of cheating on her. So I joined her and dumped myself. Out with the old and in with the new, so to speak. <BR>To be sure there is backsliding, on both our parts, but the improvements are astounding... despite the horror of EMA and the desolation of the last 3 years, we are actually finding ourselves happy... gee... <BR>I'm also doing things to 'atone' for what I've done. She and I have been posting on this board for a while now... she has recently said 'goodbye', but I have decided to stay on for a while. 2 reasons; 1- I hope that my experiences and wisdom gained may be of use to others in need... I guess you could call it community service... and 2- she has been great with the no lovebusting thing and although it made saving the marriage through the crisis much easier, it left me, I feel, somewhat empty in regards to the screaming fit of the betrayed spouse phase of recovery. She never lost her cool or broke down in front of me or showed me truly how much pain she was in... so I stick around here and witness the pain of others, so that I gain a true appreciation of the pain I have caused. <P>That brings me to your second question... how do you know if you've made the right choice? I think it works like this... You make the choice, then you spend the rest of your life ensuring that the choice you made WAS the right one. You won't save your marriage just by choosing your H over the OM. You save your marriage by choosing to make it the best union/partnership possible, and then some. Marriages, I have learned, require immense effort and commitment on a constant and daily basis. Take an aggressive stance regarding your happiness together. Meet his needs and be sure that he knows how to meet yours. I suggest you take the first steps. Why, because it doesn't matter who does, as long as someone does. You will see, with a bit of patience and perserverence that your efforts will pay off. Big in the short term and even bigger in the long term.<BR>Hope this helps,<BR>Deut

Deut...<P>Very well said!

Catterpilar,<P>I promise to write to you tomorrow or soon - I just can't get it all in tonight - gotta share computer with H. But I do have a few things to saythat I hope will help!<P>Khyra

Thanks for your replies so far. I have been reading here since November, when I confessed my affair. Since then we have been on the roller coaster ride that has resulted.<BR>For the most part, my H has been good at no LB, we have both read SAA, Private lies, etc, etc, We know what each others needs are and are trying to meet them. <BR>My main need is conversation, which is really how my EMA started. As Hummingbird and so many other have said, I love the way he talked to me.<BR>Conner and Duet, I understand what you are saying about being sure it was your choice. I, unfortuantly, have never felt that. (I know you will think this is the affair talking, but it is not). Harley talks about focusing on the good times you have had, again, regretably, we have so few times in the past 11 years when we have been connected. We have always focused on the kids and basically lived our seperate lives. We are trying to build something with the kids as a foundation, but where do we start?<P>I realize part of my problem is as Duet said and as Francis posted in another thread, I feel like I haven't been "punished" enough for my affair, that I need to be yelled at, etc. And I admit part of the reason we are not moving forward is that I am not sure I am making the right decision to stay. I am staying for our kids, who deserve a secure family, but how do I let go of my percieved happiness with the OM and go forward. <BR>I fully comprehend how much I am hurting my H by waffleing back and forth, but how can I stop? He is being incredibly understanding under the circumstances but is also reaching that point of "decide so we can both move on".<P>LOL Is this making any sense? It seems confusing as I type it, and actually reflect the turmoil inside of me pretty acurately. <P>I appreciate all your replies and respect your opinions.

You are still in withdrawal. Your perceived happiness is just a fantasy. The OM, as you say, met your need for conversation. Even if that is your number one emotional need, I'll bet that you have alot of other needs your H is meeting pretty well (even if you can't see that right now). <P>Any person who could conceive of taking a parent away from their children, and feel ok about being a part of YOUR broken vows is not worth your time. <P>You see, I betrayed my now ex husband too. I ended the affair very quickly. No matter how I felt about my H at the time, I knew I wouldn't want to be with someone who had no regrets about "*icking" someone else's wife (the OM's words). In time, you'll see this OM for the person he really is, hopefully before you've completely destroyed whatever is left of your H's love. Your H must love you very much to do the work he is doing to save your marriage. Don't blow it!

I wish I had the answer of truth- can you ever trust again? Life is too hard for me these days......<P>------------------<BR>Sad MOM<BR>

Caterpillar,<P>I can echo Student's post and almost guarantee that your H loves you. Those of us going though this have no other reason but love to attempt to "survive" this.<P>As far as knowing it is the "right" choice, paraphrasing Duet, all of our choices are right, if we make them right.

I question my choice every day. <BR>Every time I think of OM and feel the same feelings, I question my choice.<BR>Every time I hold our child who looks just like OM, I question my choice. <P>But I just try and focus on the promise I made to H and to God, and I am trying to focus on my marriage, not my affair. It is very hard work and the W/D is very painful. I'm still in W/D to a great extent, but I can say that some days are better than others. AND, there seem to be more "better" days as time passes.<P>Good luck,<BR>fc<BR>

Quote>>>>> <BR><You make the choice, then you spend the rest of your life ensuring that the choice you made WAS the right one. You won't save your marriage just by choosing your H over the OM. You save your marriage by choosing to make it the best union/partnership possible, and then some. Marriages, I have learned, require immense effort and commitment on a constant and daily basis. ><P>How true!!! I guess the thing that makes me want my marriage is that despite all that has happened, even if I met someone else or my H married the OW, this rule would still apply!! So, why not work on it with the H I have now?? To be together for our children?? To grow old and have a long history with each other??? I get so discouraged at times when I look on what has happened to our marriage. The betrayal, the lies, the pain. But, that could happen with anyone I might be with, unless I and he work hard to insure our marriage is the most important thing to us!<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Sparkydog, no fair, you can't reply! <BR> <P>(he's my H)<P>