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#52769 01/17/00 01:53 PM
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I cant tell my H....he has no clue that i am doing anything wrong. We have a good relationship, and our sex life is great. I have not talked to "E" today, and i haven't e-mailed him either. It may not seem like much, but normally by this tome of day we have talked at least once. I am listening to everything that you are all saying and i see one overwhelming respones. I will try my hardest to forget him, i don't wantto be the one to kill our marriage. My H loves me and his world revolves around me. I don't know why i am doing this, i just am. I am already on anti-depressants, have been for over a year. I will probably be on them for the rest of my life. I'm trying really hard, and just need alot of support. But one thing i am certain of is i can never tell my H.

#52770 01/17/00 02:31 PM
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Hi again, Trippie,<P>I hope you read the responses to your other posts - there's a wealth of good advice and information and moral support for you! We like to hear how all of this makes you feel when you read it - it's part of the fun of posting here.<P>I sure do understand how overwhelmed you're feeling right now. This is probably one of the toughest situations you will ever be in. It's like the proverbial question - "How do you eat an elephant?"<P> "One bite at a time!"<P>I also can relate to not knowing WHY you're doing what you're doing. My god, it took me forver to even begin to see why everything I did came about. And I'm STILL peicing it all together, bit by bit. I am finding out that my affairs had a lot to do with my poor self-esteem. But I'll go into more detail about that another time because ...<P>RIGHT NOW, all you have to worry about doing is ONE thing. Ending this affair. Don't worry about what you're going to say to your H or when, don't worry about why you did everything. All of that is secondary. Kinda like you can't worry about dessert when you're still working on your salad - get it? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I tell you this because, if you end this affair first, you won't have to send your husband through the pain of wondering WHEN you're going to end it, IF you're going to end it, like I did to mine. Just be done with it - in all honsety, Trip, there's not much there after all, is there? With the other man, I mean - a few phone calls, e-mails, affection. It's still in a stage that's a LOT easier to terminate than after you've had sex or touched or spent actual physical time together. This is not to say that what you did isn't wrong, because it is. It's not cute, or funny or coy or even hip. Now, with your husband, you have a life, bills, a home, and most importantly children and LOVE together. All E is is a wisp of smoke and a wish compared to these. He'll blow away just as quickly and easily as he came.<P>SO. I've said a mouthful today. I hope you understand that I'm not being judgemental or even hard on you - I'm in no place to be, considering where I just came from. Point is, I've been there. And if I'd had the guts to come to a place like this (like YOU do!) and be honest and listen to good, sound advice, I would not have put my husband and myself through so much pain and agony. But instead, I decided to listen to my little stripper friends who kept telling me, "go for it, man!" and lying for me, etc. Great friends, huh? <P>Trip, because you came here and shared your secrets with us, I KNOW you can do this! I'm actually a little jealous that you had the strength to come here and I couldn't even bring my sorry @ss to Barnes and Noble to find a book to help me! Rememeber, we're here to help you through every step of the way. We've been there, we've done what you're doing.<P>You can e-mail me anytime with questions you might not want to ask here - traumangel@yahoo.com<P>Good job so far today, sweetie, keep it up, it's a one day at a time thing.<P>Khyra <P>

#52771 01/17/00 03:09 PM
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TRIPPIE - i was gonna tell you to tell your H, but I will rescind.<P>I will defer to Khyra - and say I am glad you are here and realize what has happened and how to build your marraige. <P>always glad to see that. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>[This message has been edited by covenant (edited January 17, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by covenant (edited January 17, 2000).]

#52772 01/17/00 03:19 PM
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I agree that you need to end the affair first.<P>My H had an ongoing physical affair that lasted over a year with someone at work. He ended it a few months before I found out about it. In all the pain and anguish, resentment, anger and lack of trust that I went through after the fact I still took comfort in the fact that he ended it on his own, not because I found out.

#52773 01/18/00 11:51 AM
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Hi Trippie... I am sort of in the same boat with you. I have not told my H about my affair and have struggled with whether to or not. I am working on myself and the withdrawls from OM at the time. I am gaining strength and working on my marriage also and have been for the last few months. I know that I could never tell my H unless I am strong and completely over this OM. I want a good foundation to be in place when and if I do tell him because there are many other complications that could arise in my doing so. I wish you good luck... and encourage you to break things off with OM. I am doing that now and it is extremely hard. But, I feel I am doing much better and gaining strength everyday... alot due to the help of these great people here at MB. Hang in there.... and be strong....

#52774 01/19/00 12:19 AM
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Trippie,<BR>First: <BR>Congratulations on keeping no contact today! Keep it up, you are on the right track! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Second:<BR>I understand your point about not telling your H about your involvment.... but do try to tell him about your needs, and how he can meet them. Come here and we will help you. Come here when you slip and need support to get back on track. Come here and let us celebrate your successes! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] (Like no contact today)<P>Khyra is right again..... you eat an elephant one bite at a time. The first few bites are a little tough (all that skin), but then it will get easier and easier every other "bite" of the way. (Khyra, hope you don't mind me expanding on your idea [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>Withdrawal is not easy, not from physical contact, and especially not from the emotional aspect. We are here to help you make it through this. Many of us have been right where you are right now, and we can help you make it through this! <B>YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!</B><P>Again, if you would like to contact me directly, please do.... labutterfly68@hotmail.com <P>My thoughts & prayers are with you.<BR>Butterfly<P><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

#52775 01/18/00 02:09 PM
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<BR>Trippie23,<P>I'll defer to the other posters about *when* to tell your H about your emotional affair. But I cannot stress enough that you need to end ALL CONTACT and that means NOW. Do NOT take this relationship any further: no physical contact, and especially no sexual contact. You'll only make matters much, much worse.<P>You're not getting something you need from your marriage. Find out exactly what it is, and have your H meet those needs. Looking elsewhere is a path to marital disaster.<P>Bystander


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