Well, after I caught my husband lying to me again last Tuesday about being with the ow, I decided last night that I needed to make some demands. He knows how hurt I am and yet he continues to carry on the relationship. Of course, he says this time it really is over. Well, he said that two times before and here we are again. <P>So, last night, I told him that it is obviously not working for him to still be working with the ow. So, I asked him to start looking for another job. Of course he says he won't find a job that pays as good as the one he has. He is basically putting up a fight about it. He did take today off from work and went out this morning to a factory in town here and applied. Of course when he came home he said the starting wage is almost $2.00 an hour less than what he is making now. He also said he thought the job would get his allergies acting up. Whatever. He is now over in the town where he works looking for a new job. But, I just have the feeling he isn't putting to much effort into it. He sat there and told me how he didn't want to find a new job as he was comfortable where he was. He said he didn't want to start a new job as it is so hard to do. Well, I told him I didn't exactly want to be doing what I am doing right now either and that he hasn't exactly made me feel comfortable. The deal is, I offered to go out and get a second part time job to help make ends meet. That was a commitment I was willing to make to try and make things work for us. All I asked of him in return was to stay faithful to me. Well, I went out and got the second job. I told him that if there was any sign of him still seeing the ow, I would quit immediately. Well, the day after my first night on the job, he went to a motel and spent the day with the ow. I caught him basically red handed. So, I said I was quitting. He talked me out of it. The thing is, I held up my end of the deal and my husband let me down! <P>So, last night it was all just getting to me. I feel basically like I am suffering emotionaly abuse here. So, I guess that is why I pushed the issue on him finding a new job. I know it will never work. He doesn't want to change jobs and I don't think he wants to get away from the ow that much. Of course he says he isn't leaving me but I can't sit around waiting for him to get his act together. I am getting sick of it. I love the man with all my heart in spite of the things he has done to me. <P>The other demand I made is that he needs to start going to counseling with me. That wasn't really a demand as he had already said on Wednesday that he would start going. But, I just reminded him that it is something that we need to do. I guess if the counseling doesn't save our marriage, I can only hope that it will help him. I guess I really feel pretty good about myself right now. In spite of everything. I have had to realize that I am not to blame for my husband having this affair. I have pretty much always been there for him whenever he needed me. I have always gone out of my way to keep him happy. He says it is not me and I believe that. I think he is lacking something and that is why he felt the need to do this. He is kicking himself now for having let it get started. He didn't know what kind of a mess he was getting himself into. I wish he could have thought that through before he went and did it.<P>We did have a good relationship. My husband is a good guy who just got lost along the way. Now, I am trying to help him find his way back and I figured out I can't do it on my own anymore!<P>Was it wrong of me to make some demands upon him? He has made some of me through this whole ordeal and I am not sure they are exactly fair. I hope somebody has some advice! I just know that it is impossible for him to keep working with the ow. <P>Thanks in advance!!! ~Woozy

Woozy, I too made demands. The bottom line is that they won't do anything they don't want to do. They will take the easy way out for themselves.<P>This reminds me of some of the posts I made 2 to 3 years ago on Peggy Vaughan's board. I can understand your feelings and hurts. Right now, he will let you do all the work such as the second job. He wants it easy for him. <P>Two years ago I finally told my husband, I was through working on this marriage. If it was to work, he would have to do it. He says he wants a divorce so it's obvious he doesn't want the marriage to succeed.<P>Now is probably the time you should start thinking of yourself and not him. That's what I'm trying to do.<P>Please keep me posted. Remember, you have a friend here who cares about your feelings.<P>

Woozy - I really do believe we have to have a sense of what we need to rebuild and they need to have a definite understanding of that.<P>Martha's right. He won't do anything he doesn't really WANT to do, but at least he's aware of what you expect from him and that's a start. A new job WOULD help and so would counselling.<P>Just hang in there and follow your instincts.<P>Lori<BR>

Thanks for the feedback. He went and put in an application at another factory and he had an interview at another place that pays salary. That job would be from 3am to 11am or so. I told him if he took that job I could quit my 2nd job and go full-time at my other job as he would be home in the afternoons for the boys. That would boost my income quite a bit and be less stressful than working 2 jobs.<P>I realize what you are saying though. I know he is going to do what he wants to do. That is the hardest part. I know I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. <P>I still feel crushed by this. Mainly I am holding it all together but it isn't easy. I still have that fear he is going to leave me. He is still here and he swears he isn't leaving. He also swore he wasn't going to see the ow anymore though either. So, yes I am still insecure about that. <P>I just hate all the uncertainty. I guess I am just not counting on anything at this point. That is hard... I want to be able to trust him again more than anything. I want to believe he is through with her but I know better. It hurts to much to have that kind of false hope. So, I quit on that. <P>I really do hope he gets a different job but of course, I need to be careful as I don't want to go and get my hopes up too much! <P>Well, thanks for the advice again. I guess I will just keep plugging away at it all.<P>Sincerely,<P>Woozy

Woozy, God bless you. It seems that those of us who make so much effort to try and make the marriage work get little or no positive feedback from such a selfish human being. I now see my husband as the pitiful little coward he is, always trying to take the easy way out.<P>Martha