Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#53074 01/18/00 11:57 AM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
Well I talked to my H a couple of night ago and found out something interesting...<P>He said that he can not live with me and that is the reason he left....<P>He said that it was because I didnt not keep the house the way he wanted and stuff like that (did not do laundry daily..we couldent then had to use a laundry mat...we now have a wahser/dryer...left dirty dishes in sink...dont do that anymore...)....<P>we will have been married 4 years in april and have only lived together a total of 21 months......I told him that that was a silly reason to walk out on his family and if that was the reason it could be worked on and fixed....<P>My parents are not the neatest people in the world, and I told him that it was going to take some time to get into my own nich....<P>I said that I am already better than I was because I know I dont want to be like that. It didnt help matters any that when he would got out to sea I would go home to my parents home and revert.......I am not like that person anymore but he won't give me a chance to prove my self.....<P>What am I suposed to do.......at this point he is hell bent aginst us ever getting back together......I want my family back...<P>I had to take my youngest to the ER last night...he has the flu and was dehydrated and was on IV'S for 3hrs....I called my H to tell him I was taking him and that I would call when I got home....I did....to be honest he did not sound that concerned about it.....I told him that I really needed him there tonight...he did not say anything...<P><BR>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
avance<P>You really can't control the words, actions or feelings of another person, no matter how wrong or unfair they may be. Once you take real ownership of this truth, you may have less blow ups with your H.<P>However, every situation is fluid and even if your H feels this way today, that doesn't mean he will ALWAYS feel this way, even if he says it.<P>You can influence the situation by making the relationship a safe place and dropping the idea you can change his mind with your words.<P>You can attend to your home and let him see the changes you are willing to make. If the changes are things you want to do for yourself, then no matter what happens with your marriage you will be better off anyway.<P>Extended consistant action may change his mind. At this point he seems to be put off by verbal educating.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Amanda,<P>I will say this gently... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>No matter what you think is reasonable or not as an <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Need</A>... isn't the point.<P>If your H feels that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A> is an important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Need</A>... you really shouldn't put him down for it.<P>I'm not taking sides here... but if you said to your H...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A> is one of your most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> and he said... "that's ridiculous"... wouldn't you feel hurt?... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busted</A>?...<P>We can't make these kinds of judgments... on either side... The only time there is a clear judgment to be made is in the case of violence or abuse... unfortunately those are the times some don't make the judgments they should.<P>If your sticking to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... try to do just a little bit more around the house... He will notice!... Maybe not right away... but he will... especially if it is a major <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Need</A> for him!<P>I understand about the kids, and getting sick, and taking them to the doctors (I too am a single dad(w/ 3 kids), now that my W has moved out.) <B>It isn't easy</B>... and that's a d@mn understatement....<P>But... this is where being the "better" you comes in... <BR>1. work on you...<BR>2. work on meeting his emotional needs...<BR>3. work for your kids...<P>No, this isn't easy...<BR>But the alternative of <B>not</B> working on #1 and #3... and giving up on #2... will take you down a path of sadness... possibly depression.<P>Come here for advice...<BR>Turn on a good radio program while you do the dishes...<BR>Be creative... have a friend come over to give you a hand with the laundry (not so dirty articles anyway... LOL)<BR>Get the kids a chance to clean out the bathroom sink... (and then wipe it all down when their done... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>If you work on you... instead of complaining about H... you'll be a happier person!<P>Prayers along the way wouldn't hurt! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>You'll get them from me. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
NSR...I agree with you totally....and when he got home in june of 99....I was different and still am.....He noticed right away...I made the bed...something I never use to do....<P>I did laundry daily...We have a washer and dryer now and I love it...I know it sounds silly but I do....I would put the dishes in the dish washer when done ...<P>he would not stop and notice.....he did not ever give us a chance......<P>I know I did a big LB whit what i said but I was soooooooooooooo mad that he would not work on that with me....no it did not hurt me because I know it is true and that I can get even better with his help.......<P>Amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
NSR...another thing.....How am I suposed to show him?...we are in different states and he will not give me the time of day when he comes to see the boys.......<P>I was thinking about inviting him over for dinner when I get my own place(staying with in-laws)...I dont know if he would come over...it may take a couple trys but I will try....you can count on that....I have already told him that I am not going to give up on us and that I will always love him and will most likely always want my family back...<P><BR>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Amanda,<P>It sounds like your improving already...<P>Keep it up...<P>You may think he is not seeing the changes... the few times (not sure how many) he does come over... he really is!<P>I too am in a similar situation...<BR>My W is a 90+ minute drive from me and the kids, and sees me for pick-ups and drop-offs of the kids... She too sees a very clean house!... Doesn't comment though (she didn't keep it so neat)!<P>So how do I show her I've changed....<BR>With only 10-20 minutes every other week...<P>Being kind, courteous, well groomed, in a clean house... whatever it takes to let her know I can and will continue to help her when she comes back.<BR>With that being said... you may have read some of my other replies... Yes... she curses me out... "F... ..U" and "F... OFF" are very common... She loves to play games with the "drop-off" time of the kids... she basically is trying to make me hate her. <B>I won't</B>. It's simple as that... and if guilt/remorse eventually kick in... great. If not... all I have left would be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... a little bit off into the future.<P>I don't know if you are getting this kind of treatment from you H too. If you are my condolences... This is very sad.<P>But... I stick to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as long as I can... there really is no other choice.<P>You too...<BR>Don't wait until you have a place of your own... take him out to dinner ASAP. (If he'll go with you)<P>And of course... hold back on those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... just one of them can unravel weeks or months of meeting his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>Praying for continued success... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 277
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 277
amanda, have yuu read the 5 love languages? It may help you in understanding what your husband needs.<P>Personally, I think the need for domestic support may be a front for something else. My W needs are communication - yet I cant fullfill it like I want to ( notice its what I want) so I do it in ways that I can. Being cordial - photographs of our son when he attended a christmas party that she didn't.<BR>Be inventive - I am sure you'll think of ways on how to do that.

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 401
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 401
Amanda, <P>I would post this over on the Bible study, but since it is in response to your post here, it makes more sense. (I did 'leave' this forum, remember?) Anyway, my promise to my h. was to avoid spilling our secrets all over the place, not a promise to never respond to a friend in need!<P>Do not be discouraged by what your h. says. My h. asked for a divorce in July. He said "I don't want to married to you." <P>In August he told me about the affair and moved out for three weeks. The affair had been over in April, but he didn't think we could possibly make a marriage work. <P>Guess what? He moved home after a short three weeks. Things are not all cotton candy and balloons, but we are slowly learning how to meet each others needs. Our counselor thinks we can make it. <P>I truly thought in July that I would be single by now. <P>Things change, especially relationships. They are constantly in flux. <P>Hang on. <P>Do what you can to build rather than tear down. <P>Be good to yourself, take care of yourself, your home, your appearance and your children's health and happiness. <P>He WILL notice when the changes become impossible to ignore [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>love and prayers, <BR>liz\pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 256
thanks everyone....I am going to try...I am not going to call him or send as many email....that is what he asked me to do....i was planning on asking him out to a movie the nest time he comes down....we will have to see.....<P>i did file but I dont know what the next stage is.....I want to try to stall it as long as possible....idealy untill nov because he leaves for 6 months...he will be on the ocean for 6 months...yes she will be ther but he wont be able to see the kids or me....is that mean of me to think that.....I just know we can make it if he will only give me a chance....<P>Amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <P>thevancefamily@hotmail.com


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Overcomer4513), 140 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5