My bf and I have been together for over 2 years. We were engaged for a year, then broke up for a month, got back together in Nov. and have been having a very tough time since.<p>We're together because we love one another, but we argue all the time.<p>Just today, he told me that he's so sick of fighting, he just doesn't think that love is better than happiness.<p>I'm the one who keeps fighting to save the relationship. I realize we're not married yet, but I know our love runs really deep.<p>Our main problem is that we continually fight over why he isn't being attentive, and affectionate, and why he isn't doing this and that. I always start to feel like he's thinking about leaving again.<p>When I confront him about my feelings, he says that he feels like he'll never be able to give me enough, and he doesn't have any more to give. He says that he feels tired, and frustrated. <p>I don't know what to do...I don't know if I can stop asking for reassurances. I know he loves me, but the thing that kills me is that he thinks about breaking up so easily.<p>That totally throws me off. He can be the most wonderful man to me sometimes; gives me all of his free time, does things for me, etc. But when I look at him, I can see resentment in his eyes, and I can see him trying to hold back.<p>I don't know if I should just give up, or if I should fight it out until the bitter end. I wish so much that we could just get over this bump to what we had for 2 years - simple happiness.<p>I don't know why things have changed so much. It must have been the breakup. I was never once insecure before - now it drives him crazy.<p>He tells me that he doesn't want me to change, but that he doesn't want to change either. He tells me that he still really loves me and he wants this relationship more than anything, but he doesn't know if it will work anymore.<p>I don't understand what's happening or why, and I'm wondering if someone's been there, or what I can do to make things work.<p>Thanks so much.

Skarlie:<p> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He tells me that he doesn't want me to change, but that he doesn't want to change either. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>That's a very common and very immature view about love. "If it were TRUE love, you would love me for who I am..."<p>Love doesn't work like that. Love is an decision to commit to a person, as well as a romantic feeling.<p>I think you would be well served by purchasing "The Four Gifts of Love" by Harley: this summarizes the rules for a successful marriage (Protection, Care, Time, and Honesty). Go over it with your boyfriend, and see if anything rings true. If it does, then I suggest that you both learn how to protect each other first (eliminate lovebusters). You might be able to do it yourself, or you may need the help of a counselor. <p>The bottom line is that you both need to change: you need to protect each other, and meet each other's needs. To expect that you'll stumble into someone who will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life is very naive.

K,<p>I'm not the one who thinks that way. I know we have to adapt to one another, and grow together. He's the one who thinks that if it's right, it should be really simple.<p>I agree that it should be really simple, but that sometimes you start to take too much or give too much and things get out of balance. Then resentment builds, and needs to be broken down, etc.<p>I'm the one who's willing to fight for love. He doesn't seem so willing. I said to him this morning, "if you really love me then why do you want to leave?" He says that he does really love me, but that he's really unhappy, and he doesn't know if we can be happy together again.<p>I feel differently. I think that "of course we can be happy again. We just have to get through this hard time and we will be." He doesn't think the hard time will ever end. He says he thinks I'll always be unhappy.<p>When I think about my needs, I know I'm not asking for too much. And I fulfill most or all of his needs. (I went over them with him the other day.) I know that he's not the only problem, but neither am I, and he's making me feel like I am.<p>I'm willing to adapt to our new lifestyle, and how busy he is, but I don't want to be neglected.<p>I don't know what to do.<p>Why is it that it seems so easy for him to give our relationship up if he loves me so much?<p>I don't get it.<p>I think I will buy that book though. But what if he doesn't want to go over it. I suggested marital counselling this morning, and he thought that was ridiculous. He said that we aren't even married yet and we're already seeking counselling?!!! <p>I know he loves me, but why does he think that this relationship is practically disposable? Do I give him too much? Am I too honest?<p>I don't know what I'm doing wrong.<p>Please help me.

Skarlie,<p>It's impossible for me to tell if you're doing everything right, or everything wrong. You're human, so it's probably a healthy mix of both. IF YOU WERE MARRIED, I'd suggest that you go to the Q&A part of this site and read the advice on how to negotiate in marriage (there are lots of columns in this area). A couple of relevant ones are on anger and abuse: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006_qa.html</A> <br> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067a_qa.html</A> <p>The real issue you appear to be asking is "does he really love me?" And I'm not sure that he does. <p>I don't know if you've posted WHY you got back together (or who initiated it), but it sounds like you haven't addressed the issues that were causing your relationship to falter. And you yourself say that you realize that you're not married: I'm going to suggest to you that your boyfriend is apparently acting like he's not very committed to you, and I would suggest that you close this chapter in your life and begin to move on.<p>Read the Q&A on Choosing the Right Person to Marry <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068a_qa.html</A> , and take a very hard look at your current relationship.<br>

HI, K,<p>Well, thanks for the advice, and the links. I've looked them over, and I will do more tonight.<p>I'm not asking if he loves me. I know he does. I'm asking why he has grown so tired even though he does. I don't understand. <p>He proves to me that he loves me by spending all of his free time with me, by doing things for me, by spending every last dime on me, by showing me respect by opening my doors, etc. etc.<p>He does a lot for me. My problem is that I just want so much. But I'm willing to give the same. That's what's off for me.<p>We broke up because I wasn't meeting his needs for respect and his needs for socializing w/ his family and friends, and integrating into his life. He still resents me for it, but he's trying to get past it. I'm still learning to do more for him, and to integrate into his life and not make so many demands of him. It's really hard though.<p>I know he loves me. That's not my issue. My issue is that I don't understand how he can love me the way he does (which is a lot) and yet be so withdrawn from me and so frustrated when I get upset.<p>I know we've been arguing for about 6 months now, so I know he's frustrated.<p>He has said to me, "I love you and I'm never going to leave you." but then when I push him, he says that maybe he should leave.<p>What am I doing wrong? <p>I want to meet both of our needs, but I can't seem to get there because I don't completely trust him.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My issue is that I don't understand how he can love me the way he does (which is a lot) and yet be so withdrawn from me and so frustrated when I get upset.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>Speaking from my "man's" point of view, I get very frustrated when my wife is upset and I can't "fix it". I never want to see her unhappy, and when she is, I feel as though there must be something that I can do to make it better.<p>Sometimes that "thing" is just quietly listening and validating her feelings. But it's taken me a long time to learn that.<p>I'm not sure what to do with your boyfriend's apparent unhappiness. I suggest that you try to get him to "categorize" it for you: is is something you're doing (a lovebuster) or NOT doing (an emotional need), or is it simply unrelated to you. Once you figure out what it is, try to work on behaviors to improve it (if it's related to you).<br>

Thanks, K.<p>I asked him what is was that led him to be frustrated and withdrawn from me so many times, and he just couldn't put his finger on it...until today.<p>He told me that he withdraws from me because he feels pressured to be someone he isn't; he feels that I want too much from him. He says that he never feels that he will be able to make me happy. He says that he is just worn out from trying. He says that he has never felt like he has given me enough. He says he feels that he just doesn't have the power in him to make me happy - that I demand too much, and I soak up all of his energy. He said this morning that he loves doing things for me, and he wants to do things for me, but he doesn't want to feel like it's never enough because he feels like a failure.<p>What do I do?<p>How do I stop making him feel like a failure? I mean, I could stop pressuring him to tell me what he's thinking, but then I'll be going through some type of withdrawal on my own. I've always been completely honest with him about every little thing I think and feel. That's apparently what's been getting me into so much trouble.<p>What should I do? <p>What if he's just had enough? I feel like it's all my fault.

Skarlie,<p>If what you're saying is that your emotional needs are too demanding for him to meet, and that there's no middle ground, then I suggest that you split up.<p>Your boyfriend appears to be having "giver's snapback": he's been focusing too hard on meeting your needs and not worrying about his own. If that's the case, you need to attack the problem by meeting his needs (put yours on the back shelf for a while), and by really thinking about how to prioritize your needs so that your boyfriend isn't exhausted by trying to meet them.<p>If this is simply an issue of prioritizing needs, you might be best served by taking a Family Dynamics seminar on His Needs/Her Needs. But again, this is really more geared towards married couples. Your relationship is not a marriage.

K,<p>For the first 2 years of our relationship, he gave and gave, and I didn't give back. (I wasn't truly in love with him in the beginning, and by the time I loved him, the patterns were already in place.) He focused on meeting all of my needs, you're right.<p>Now that we're back together, I've been meeting all of his needs, and he's been holding back meeting mine. He still does things for me like I mentioned, and those things make me feel loved, but I need affection more than those other things. Sure, they show me that he loves me, but not like staring at me and kissing me and touching me do.<p>I don't know what you're suggesting.<p>Do you think I should say to him, "You've been meeting my less important needs, but I need you to meet my needs for affection, and then I'll stop nagging you?" I don't think that will work because I'm TELLING him what to do.<p>I know we're not married, but I've loved others, and the way we love each other, and the ways in which we are similar are so great, I can't see letting it go.<p>I keep thinking that this is just a bump in the road, but he doesn't see it that way. I know it's just that he's tired of arguing and of being a failure. I want to work on things because now it's my turn. I just can't seem to figure out how.<p>I just called his voice mail and left him a message that I'm sorry about my insecurity of this morning, and I hope he can just forget about it so that we can have a fun night together tonight. <p>Do you think that was a good idea? I wanted him to know that I'm okay, and I'm not angry with him. He's always worried about how I feel.<p>What do you think?