I think the worse thing is I always love him, but sometimes at moments I am starting to resent him so bad. I really don't want to end up as enemies, so I hope this stage goes away too. But it is definitely better than the crying stage and panic and desparation.

Laura - I feel so similarly - I love him, I hate him, I enjoy his face, I want to scream in his face....<P>I have a lot of anger and when I try to voice it, it's not heard... nothing changes. I'm the "evil" one for venting... Of course, he sees no reason for me to be resentful. I see every reason to be resentful.<P>But how can I love and hate at the same time? How can I talk about our future and future family so positively one minute and be planning how I'm going to make it on my own the next... Makes no sense - even to me!<P>But... at least we can still feel the love - I guess I take that to mean that it's not too late to repair the damage!<P>Melissa

Yeah, my husband's reply today when I was trying to be short and not very communicative because right now I need to emotionally detach from him, was that I am acting like a b*****. <P>He said "I don't know what kind of strategy you are trying to pull but it is pissing me off and pushing me away." <P>I do want my husband to come home someday, but right now I have to do what is best for me. And that is healing. If that means cutting off contact with him for a while then that is the way it has to be. <P>I don't think the total cut off stage will last a long time, but I just need that right now in order to adjust and begin to learn how to live life on my own. I saw someone else's post somewhere else and they summed it up in this sentence. <P>I am preparing for the worst, while hoping for the best.

\<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well guys, I did good through the week and then on Sunday when he returned the kids they ran outside to play with friends and we were talking and I (ME !) ended up initiating sex. <P>I know you guys think I am crazy, but I feel like there still needs to be that connection between us. Not a lot, just enough to keep that connection. I will abstain from it enough to make him miss it, but occassionally I want him to get that connection and remember what it is he is missing. Not just that either. We have other interactions, like when he brought the kids home I told him he could eat lunch with us if he liked. So I feel that sitting together to do that reminds him of what he doesn't have now. <P>I know in my heart that things can be different, but until he decides that he can trust me again I can only hope for the best. I do realize that if he wanted to sleep with someone else, that me still sleeping with him is not going to stop that. Maybe my trip to Florida will separate us long enough to where I can be a little more stronger about this issue. <P>You guys have to know that these encounters are not just have sex, go home and not speak. They are very intimate and he doesn't run off after and we talk and just lay together. <P>I know everyone thinks I am stupid for continuning this to any extent. But it is the way I feel. I have to go with my heart. <P>By the way, I still have the attitude of self-respect and confidence that no matter what the outcome, I will be fine. And yes he does see that. There is no way that he couldn't. I refuse to call him this week. There are going to be too many occasions that he already is going to have to call me about anyway. So there is no need to call. Seems like when I call, I start wanting to ask about...what he's doing, or if he's going out tonight? etc..., I know this bugs him, so I have to stop that. Any hints anyone????<P>Also most of the people who keep telling me not to sleep with him have had experiences of people telling them that they don't love them anymore. That is not the case here. He still loves me, but doesn't want to bring an untrusting heart back into the marriage. He says he needs time to make sure that my changes are permanent. I can understand that. So why shouldn't I sleep with him?<P>[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited June 14, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited June 14, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

LauraW, sounds like your H has a lot of anger inside him. That is not your fault. You cannot change his feelings or his emotions - he can only do that himself. You can only change yourself which you sound like you're doing a pretty good job. I know it's a long road. (check my latest entry on my topic). You have so much to work with. He says he still loves you. About your problem of wanting to talk. What about setting a kitchen timer to ring in 2 or 3 min. - across the room - so you have to stop your train of thought. Maybe just those few seconds will help you get your mind going in the right direction again.<P>I don't think you're stupid for going to bed w/your h. I think you are still grasping at anything to bring him back in your desparation. Is this giving him the impression of your really wanting to detach or will he just think that you are still just talk and no conviction? Is this what you want?<P>Hang in there!! We're behind you all the way.

He is angry and hurt, so I have to try to remember that. I do not pressure him. I haven't called today. He had to call me to ask me about my son's allergy shots. But it is always like he trys to think of something else to hang on the phone about. Seems to me like he is also having a hard time letting go too. If not, I will find out eventually.<P>But I still have to remind my self that he says that the chances of him coming back are slim. I guess slim is better than none. But I am in the same boat. I know that I want him to come home, but I also know that no matter what the outcome I WILL be fine. Time will heal. VERY SAD, but Fine. Having our family back together would mean so much to me.

Well, I have decided to stop sleeping with him sexually. He is suppose to spend the night with me on Saturday night before I leave for Florida to visit my mother. The kids will be gone. I have made it very clear that there will be no sex. He says he doesn't mind. That he just likes snuggling up with me to sleep. I will not give in either, even though most people think I will. I am determined. <P>He still says that the chances of him coming back at very very slim. So I have to take his word on that. That is why I decided not to sleep with him anymore. I can't keep myself that emotionally attached at the risk of a couple of months down the road hearing those dreaded words of "I'm definitely not returning". I realize letting him sleep over when the kids aren't there is risky and has its own sense of attachment. But I have to taper off. I can't cut every bit of contact out all at once. I still miss him too much. No I know I don't need him for my happiness, but I still love him deeply and hope that he changes his mind. But right now it is all so fresh in his mind that he has not changed his opinion much at all. So only time will tell. I have no idea what he or I will feel in six months, so I have to let up and relax a little and try to take things one day at a time and quit talking about it to him. Just try to be a friend and back off so he can make his decision. This is so hard.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well guys... I went to Florida for a week with my mom. I called him once while I was down there and asked him if he could get my brakes done on my car while I was gone. He did.<P>When I talked to him he told me that he was 99% sure that he wasn't coming back. That hurt, but sometimes I think he says that to protect himself. <P>He picked me up at the airport and we went out and had some drinks and then ended up together again. Well, I didn't feel bad about it because it has been a while since that happened.<P>He had told me that his buddies are always trying to hook him up with girls and stuff, but he also said look where I always end up....with you. <P>He says he hasn't had any desire to date anyone yet and it will probably be a long time before that happens. He says that he is noticing some of the changes that I have made. He invited me to go to Disney World with him and the kids at the end of July.<P>I agreed to go. All of his words say he isn't coming home, but his actions say otherwise. He is always saying...you do know how much I still love you. And he always says he wants to come home, but then again he doesn't. This is driving me insane. I have told him that I just need to let go and he needs to quit calling me and let me focus on me for now. Then we can see what happens with us later. He said that sounded good to him<P>Do you guys see any hope here?

Well LauraW, I think I'm following you right down the same path! Check out my thread. I ended up in bed w/my h. Something I thought I would never do (never thought he'd be interested). He would probably kill me (figuratively speaking) for telling this but he told me he 'couldn't' with the OW. He said he tried but nothing. (I'm thinking to myself, hello, you keep asking God for signs so what was that?) I told my counselor and he asked me if I had a problem fulfilling that need. If I could handle it? He thought that that would be a way I could show my love and forgiveness and the rightness of our being together. He did say not to do it if I thought it would hurt my self-respect. (Oh, obviously this was a session by myself) At the time I thought I could not do it but, because of circumstances, I had to see my h when I got home from the session. After talking a few min. (he seemed down - as he usually does) I told him I would like to help him on his problem. Well, he did not have a problem with me until after a good while (I think he started thinking about what he was doing.) It was very good. He told me it felt so good to be held again. Then I told him I loved him and he gave his standard 'I know'. We spent a long time in bed just talking and cuddling. Very nice. When I left we hugged outside for a long time. <P>This all seemed so reminicent (sp?) of you. <P>However, the next day I was talking to him and found out that it was VERY recent that he tried to initiate things w/OW. This was after he told me that SHE was trying to cool him off. So why did she let him go so far as to find out that he couldn't.... Now I feel I can't trust anything he says again. I used to think he was the most honest person there was.<P>now I'm thinking that wasn't such a wise thing to do. So much for my self respect and independence. Did I just show him that he can function so he can go back to OW with gusto?!!<P>I know, I shouldn't beat myself up. I made a mistake. Time will tell. How do I 'pick myself back up'?<P>You know, I think my h is doing the same thing. Sometimes I think he says things like 'I know you do' when i say i love him because he's scared to take the step forward. I also think your h is doing the same as mine in getting in little barbs like "he's 99% sure he's not coming back". I think they are still hurting and want us to hurt. We have to concentrate on what the actions are saying too.<P>LauraW, I'm praying for you. Your h at least tells you he loves you. Hang on to that. I think you're making progress!<P>Tina

Laura, Do what you think is best. My situation is different, but seemed more hopeless in that my W asked for a divorce and moved out for six months. She moved back and things seem to be getting better. The advice I got from family and friends was to move on. Well intentioned advice but not necessarily correct for my situation. I read a book that might be appropriate; ""Too good to leave, too bad to stay". It is a good read for someone who isn't sure what they want. I hope I didn't read too much into your situation. Good luck, Mike

Mike,<P>Would that book be for my husband to read since he is the one who left and isn't sure of what he wants. I know that I want him to come back.

I think I am about done with this situation. My husband told me today that if I wasn't going to meet his needs then I need to quit worrying about what he out doing. He said obviuosly if I wasn't going to do it, then eventually it would proabably happen with someone else. Part of me wants to sleep with him because I still love him, but the other part of me feels like I am being threatened into sleeping with him. Since I am confused, I don't know what to do. So maybe I should just give up on my marriage and let him move on to some bimbo.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Sorry guys, I don't have the money right now to call Harvey. <P>My H came over to bring the kids home on Friday and asked if I wanted to go see his Dad for the day with him and the kids. I said sure. Then he spent the night and we went the next morning and came home about 10:00 that night. I thought he would go home, but he didn't he stayed again. Then on Sunday he left and went to work. I called him to let the kids speak to him and told him he was welcome to come back that night too. ( I seriously didn't think he would do that again so soon). But he accepted and came over and spent the night again.<P>He says he just doesn't know what to do. So I am just being there for him for now. No arguing, pushing or pressuring. What ever happens...happens. I do realize that if he decides not to come home, it will hurt more to hear that after spending time with him. But I am willing to do that. Like I said before, he ask for me to go to Disney World with him and the kids too at the end of July. I am going. <P>If nothing better comes of all of this...at least we can turn out to be friends for our kids sake. I really love him and hope that he is happy no matter what he decides, but of course there is that part of me that hopes his happiness includes me.<P>It just seems like he wants to come home. I definitely could be wrong, and he may never come back...but there is still a lot of love there.

Well, I was definitely wrong. I called him this morning because our daughter was having a hard morning and missed him. I told him that I couldn't stand seeing her this way. He said .....well, you're the one who did this to her !! I told him that I am willing to take the blame for my own actions, but not for his actions. He was being a total inconsiderate person. I really don't know what to do anymore. Somedays I think the no contact would be better and then other days I don't. I guess I have to just live it one day at a time and go with however I feel that day. But he did say that he was pretty sure that he's not coming back.<P>

laura,<P>so sorry i have been away.... there has been a lot of sorting out going on in my life lately. i've been walking to the lake, talking to God a lot for guidance. <P>i feel for you so much right now, laura. because a few weeks ago, i reached a point at which there can be no turning back and i felt very similar to how you are feeling now.<P>two weeks ago, my H told me that he "has a problem" (his words) -- he loves me, but he loves the life he is now leading on his own. he said "i don't know what to do" and left things in my lap (so to speak). i told him that i wanted to ask the court for a 90-day extension on our divorce proceedings UNLESS the next 90 days would be like the last 90 days. so i asked, and the judge granted. <P>since then, my H has called me ONCE -- only to ask my "permission" for him to buy a brand-new 1999 blazer (manual transmission which he KNOWS i have trouble driving)... i told him that i didn't know what he wanted me to say, that i wasn't sure that it was a good idea considering some other life circumstances involved. but, to make a long story short, he bought the thing and threw it in my face the next time i saw him.<P>i called my lawyer last week (very calmly and with hardly any anger -- i don't have that much feeling left) and asked him not to write up the 90-day extension because i would not be signing it. my H and i are now getting our emotional divorce. we have been heading down that path for months now and i never got the hint, always kept trying to understand what was going on, always trying to be strong and independent and loving him "tough". i should have had my eyes open wider, should have seen that every time i offered my H a chance, i ended up losing.<P>i am sorry to be so depressing here, but what i am trying to share is that since the truth of the situation -- the truth that my H hid behind by always SAYING 'i love you' and DOING things that reflect the exact opposite -- i have begun to heal. it has not been easy; but i feel strong, i feel that my life is no longer in chaos as a direct result of my H and his actions.<P>i would never suggest that you do anything that you don't want to do, laura. but i can tell you that you will reach a point where you begin to realize that continually banging your head against a wall really, really hurts! i wish you happiness, laura. <P>i don't know how often i will be returning to this forum. but i will look for your updates when i do return. God bless...<P><BR>

Laura, you know me, I'm still going through the same stuff you are. These roller coaster rides are murder!!! I thought I was trying to do the tough love and stepping back but I guess I didn't convince myself. I slipped back into the crying depression prevalent at the beginning. I so easily lost my hand-grasp with the Lord that was pulling me through this. I feel like I'm back at square one. <P>I know in my case that my h is confused about what he wants and what he should do. He has said as much and our counselor has said the same. Your h sounds like he has the same problem. My h is so afraid that things would go back to the same sterile, cold conflicting ways that they were. Perhaps yours feels the same since I believe he took your statement about your daughter "having a hard morning and missed him. I told him that I couldn't stand seeing her this way" as a personal attack, as if you blamed him for her problems. Maybe you were but as we both know, that was not the way we should say things. I believe he felt this because he immediately lashed out with "you did it to her" statement. Blame her - blame him - round and round.<P>I can't remember, are you going to counseling? My counselor told my h not to come back unless he was interested in working on the marriage (didn't say it those words). He will be working on me and my own self worth and my ability to work on my life on my own. I know I need help. I've been told by a close friend that I'm obsessed w/my h. Don't know how I feel about that.<P>Laura, I'm trying to follow the advise I pass along again to you -- we've heard it before. Pull yourself together and make a life for yourself. Don't think about what HE will think about this and that. Do what you think is right and go forward.<P>Here's a hug for you ((((())))). We need them alot nowadays. And remember, you're not alone, you have first and foremost, our Lord with his arm wrapped around your shoulder helping you through this, then you have me and the rest of these good people on here.<P>tina