All these mixed Feelings !!!!!!!!!! - Marriage Builders® Forums

I think the worse thing is I always love him, but sometimes at moments I am starting to resent him so bad. I really don't want to end up as enemies, so I hope this stage goes away too. But it is definitely better than the crying stage and panic and desparation.

Laura - I feel so similarly - I love him, I hate him, I enjoy his face, I want to scream in his face....I have a lot of anger and when I try to voice it, it's not heard... nothing changes. I'm the "evil" one for venting... Of course, he sees no reason for me to be resentful. I see every reason to be resentful.But how can I love and hate at the same time? How can I talk about our future and future family so positively one minute and be planning how I'm going to make it on my own the next... Makes no sense - even to me!But... at least we can still feel the love - I guess I take that to mean that it's not too late to repair the damage!Melissa

Yeah, my husband's reply today when I was trying to be short and not very communicative because right now I need to emotionally detach from him, was that I am acting like a b*****. He said "I don't know what kind of strategy you are trying to pull but it is pissing me off and pushing me away." I do want my husband to come home someday, but right now I have to do what is best for me. And that is healing. If that means cutting off contact with him for a while then that is the way it has to be. I don't think the total cut off stage will last a long time, but I just need that right now in order to adjust and begin to learn how to live life on my own. I saw someone else's post somewhere else and they summed it up in this sentence. I am preparing for the worst, while hoping for the best.

\ [This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well guys, I did good through the week and then on Sunday when he returned the kids they ran outside to play with friends and we were talking and I (ME !) ended up initiating sex. I know you guys think I am crazy, but I feel like there still needs to be that connection between us. Not a lot, just enough to keep that connection. I will abstain from it enough to make him miss it, but occassionally I want him to get that connection and remember what it is he is missing. Not just that either. We have other interactions, like when he brought the kids home I told him he could eat lunch with us if he liked. So I feel that sitting together to do that reminds him of what he doesn't have now. I know in my heart that things can be different, but until he decides that he can trust me again I can only hope for the best. I do realize that if he wanted to sleep with someone else, that me still sleeping with him is not going to stop that. Maybe my trip to Florida will separate us long enough to where I can be a little more stronger about this issue. You guys have to know that these encounters are not just have sex, go home and not speak. They are very intimate and he doesn't run off after and we talk and just lay together. I know everyone thinks I am stupid for continuning this to any extent. But it is the way I feel. I have to go with my heart. By the way, I still have the attitude of self-respect and confidence that no matter what the outcome, I will be fine. And yes he does see that. There is no way that he couldn't. I refuse to call him this week. There are going to be too many occasions that he already is going to have to call me about anyway. So there is no need to call. Seems like when I call, I start wanting to ask about...what he's doing, or if he's going out tonight? etc..., I know this bugs him, so I have to stop that. Any hints anyone????Also most of the people who keep telling me not to sleep with him have had experiences of people telling them that they don't love them anymore. That is not the case here. He still loves me, but doesn't want to bring an untrusting heart back into the marriage. He says he needs time to make sure that my changes are permanent. I can understand that. So why shouldn't I sleep with him?[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited June 14, 1999).][This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited June 14, 1999).]

\[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

LauraW, sounds like your H has a lot of anger inside him. That is not your fault. You cannot change his feelings or his emotions - he can only do that himself. You can only change yourself which you sound like you're doing a pretty good job. I know it's a long road. (check my latest entry on my topic). You have so much to work with. He says he still loves you. About your problem of wanting to talk. What about setting a kitchen timer to ring in 2 or 3 min. - across the room - so you have to stop your train of thought. Maybe just those few seconds will help you get your mind going in the right direction again.I don't think you're stupid for going to bed w/your h. I think you are still grasping at anything to bring him back in your desparation. Is this giving him the impression of your really wanting to detach or will he just think that you are still just talk and no conviction? Is this what you want?Hang in there!! We're behind you all the way.

He is angry and hurt, so I have to try to remember that. I do not pressure him. I haven't called today. He had to call me to ask me about my son's allergy shots. But it is always like he trys to think of something else to hang on the phone about. Seems to me like he is also having a hard time letting go too. If not, I will find out eventually.But I still have to remind my self that he says that the chances of him coming back are slim. I guess slim is better than none. But I am in the same boat. I know that I want him to come home, but I also know that no matter what the outcome I WILL be fine. Time will heal. VERY SAD, but Fine. Having our family back together would mean so much to me.

Well, I have decided to stop sleeping with him sexually. He is suppose to spend the night with me on Saturday night before I leave for Florida to visit my mother. The kids will be gone. I have made it very clear that there will be no sex. He says he doesn't mind. That he just likes snuggling up with me to sleep. I will not give in either, even though most people think I will. I am determined. He still says that the chances of him coming back at very very slim. So I have to take his word on that. That is why I decided not to sleep with him anymore. I can't keep myself that emotionally attached at the risk of a couple of months down the road hearing those dreaded words of "I'm definitely not returning". I realize letting him sleep over when the kids aren't there is risky and has its own sense of attachment. But I have to taper off. I can't cut every bit of contact out all at once. I still miss him too much. No I know I don't need him for my happiness, but I still love him deeply and hope that he changes his mind. But right now it is all so fresh in his mind that he has not changed his opinion much at all. So only time will tell. I have no idea what he or I will feel in six months, so I have to let up and relax a little and try to take things one day at a time and quit talking about it to him. Just try to be a friend and back off so he can make his decision. This is so hard.

\[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well guys... I went to Florida for a week with my mom. I called him once while I was down there and asked him if he could get my brakes done on my car while I was gone. He did.When I talked to him he told me that he was 99% sure that he wasn't coming back. That hurt, but sometimes I think he says that to protect himself. He picked me up at the airport and we went out and had some drinks and then ended up together again. Well, I didn't feel bad about it because it has been a while since that happened.He had told me that his buddies are always trying to hook him up with girls and stuff, but he also said look where I always end up....with you. He says he hasn't had any desire to date anyone yet and it will probably be a long time before that happens. He says that he is noticing some of the changes that I have made. He invited me to go to Disney World with him and the kids at the end of July.I agreed to go. All of his words say he isn't coming home, but his actions say otherwise. He is always saying...you do know how much I still love you. And he always says he wants to come home, but then again he doesn't. This is driving me insane. I have told him that I just need to let go and he needs to quit calling me and let me focus on me for now. Then we can see what happens with us later. He said that sounded good to himDo you guys see any hope here?

Well LauraW, I think I'm following you right down the same path! Check out my thread. I ended up in bed w/my h. Something I thought I would never do (never thought he'd be interested). He would probably kill me (figuratively speaking) for telling this but he told me he 'couldn't' with the OW. He said he tried but nothing. (I'm thinking to myself, hello, you keep asking God for signs so what was that?) I told my counselor and he asked me if I had a problem fulfilling that need. If I could handle it? He thought that that would be a way I could show my love and forgiveness and the rightness of our being together. He did say not to do it if I thought it would hurt my self-respect. (Oh, obviously this was a session by myself) At the time I thought I could not do it but, because of circumstances, I had to see my h when I got home from the session. After talking a few min. (he seemed down - as he usually does) I told him I would like to help him on his problem. Well, he did not have a problem with me until after a good while (I think he started thinking about what he was doing.) It was very good. He told me it felt so good to be held again. Then I told him I loved him and he gave his standard 'I know'. We spent a long time in bed just talking and cuddling. Very nice. When I left we hugged outside for a long time. This all seemed so reminicent (sp?) of you. However, the next day I was talking to him and found out that it was VERY recent that he tried to initiate things w/OW. This was after he told me that SHE was trying to cool him off. So why did she let him go so far as to find out that he couldn't.... Now I feel I can't trust anything he says again. I used to think he was the most honest person there was.now I'm thinking that wasn't such a wise thing to do. So much for my self respect and independence. Did I just show him that he can function so he can go back to OW with gusto?!!I know, I shouldn't beat myself up. I made a mistake. Time will tell. How do I 'pick myself back up'?You know, I think my h is doing the same thing. Sometimes I think he says things like 'I know you do' when i say i love him because he's scared to take the step forward. I also think your h is doing the same as mine in getting in little barbs like "he's 99% sure he's not coming back". I think they are still hurting and want us to hurt. We have to concentrate on what the actions are saying too.LauraW, I'm praying for you. Your h at least tells you he loves you. Hang on to that. I think you're making progress!Tina

Laura, Do what you think is best. My situation is different, but seemed more hopeless in that my W asked for a divorce and moved out for six months. She moved back and things seem to be getting better. The advice I got from family and friends was to move on. Well intentioned advice but not necessarily correct for my situation. I read a book that might be appropriate; ""Too good to leave, too bad to stay". It is a good read for someone who isn't sure what they want. I hope I didn't read too much into your situation. Good luck, Mike

Mike,Would that book be for my husband to read since he is the one who left and isn't sure of what he wants. I know that I want him to come back.

I think I am about done with this situation. My husband told me today that if I wasn't going to meet his needs then I need to quit worrying about what he out doing. He said obviuosly if I wasn't going to do it, then eventually it would proabably happen with someone else. Part of me wants to sleep with him because I still love him, but the other part of me feels like I am being threatened into sleeping with him. Since I am confused, I don't know what to do. So maybe I should just give up on my marriage and let him move on to some bimbo.

\[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Sorry guys, I don't have the money right now to call Harvey. My H came over to bring the kids home on Friday and asked if I wanted to go see his Dad for the day with him and the kids. I said sure. Then he spent the night and we went the next morning and came home about 10:00 that night. I thought he would go home, but he didn't he stayed again. Then on Sunday he left and went to work. I called him to let the kids speak to him and told him he was welcome to come back that night too. ( I seriously didn't think he would do that again so soon). But he accepted and came over and spent the night again.He says he just doesn't know what to do. So I am just being there for him for now. No arguing, pushing or pressuring. What ever happens...happens. I do realize that if he decides not to come home, it will hurt more to hear that after spending time with him. But I am willing to do that. Like I said before, he ask for me to go to Disney World with him and the kids too at the end of July. I am going. If nothing better comes of all of this...at least we can turn out to be friends for our kids sake. I really love him and hope that he is happy no matter what he decides, but of course there is that part of me that hopes his happiness includes me.It just seems like he wants to come home. I definitely could be wrong, and he may never come back...but there is still a lot of love there.

Well, I was definitely wrong. I called him this morning because our daughter was having a hard morning and missed him. I told him that I couldn't stand seeing her this way. He said .....well, you're the one who did this to her !! I told him that I am willing to take the blame for my own actions, but not for his actions. He was being a total inconsiderate person. I really don't know what to do anymore. Somedays I think the no contact would be better and then other days I don't. I guess I have to just live it one day at a time and go with however I feel that day. But he did say that he was pretty sure that he's not coming back.

laura,so sorry i have been away.... there has been a lot of sorting out going on in my life lately. i've been walking to the lake, talking to God a lot for guidance. i feel for you so much right now, laura. because a few weeks ago, i reached a point at which there can be no turning back and i felt very similar to how you are feeling now.two weeks ago, my H told me that he "has a problem" (his words) -- he loves me, but he loves the life he is now leading on his own. he said "i don't know what to do" and left things in my lap (so to speak). i told him that i wanted to ask the court for a 90-day extension on our divorce proceedings UNLESS the next 90 days would be like the last 90 days. so i asked, and the judge granted. since then, my H has called me ONCE -- only to ask my "permission" for him to buy a brand-new 1999 blazer (manual transmission which he KNOWS i have trouble driving)... i told him that i didn't know what he wanted me to say, that i wasn't sure that it was a good idea considering some other life circumstances involved. but, to make a long story short, he bought the thing and threw it in my face the next time i saw him.i called my lawyer last week (very calmly and with hardly any anger -- i don't have that much feeling left) and asked him not to write up the 90-day extension because i would not be signing it. my H and i are now getting our emotional divorce. we have been heading down that path for months now and i never got the hint, always kept trying to understand what was going on, always trying to be strong and independent and loving him "tough". i should have had my eyes open wider, should have seen that every time i offered my H a chance, i ended up losing.i am sorry to be so depressing here, but what i am trying to share is that since the truth of the situation -- the truth that my H hid behind by always SAYING 'i love you' and DOING things that reflect the exact opposite -- i have begun to heal. it has not been easy; but i feel strong, i feel that my life is no longer in chaos as a direct result of my H and his actions.i would never suggest that you do anything that you don't want to do, laura. but i can tell you that you will reach a point where you begin to realize that continually banging your head against a wall really, really hurts! i wish you happiness, laura. i don't know how often i will be returning to this forum. but i will look for your updates when i do return. God bless...

Laura, you know me, I'm still going through the same stuff you are. These roller coaster rides are murder!!! I thought I was trying to do the tough love and stepping back but I guess I didn't convince myself. I slipped back into the crying depression prevalent at the beginning. I so easily lost my hand-grasp with the Lord that was pulling me through this. I feel like I'm back at square one. I know in my case that my h is confused about what he wants and what he should do. He has said as much and our counselor has said the same. Your h sounds like he has the same problem. My h is so afraid that things would go back to the same sterile, cold conflicting ways that they were. Perhaps yours feels the same since I believe he took your statement about your daughter "having a hard morning and missed him. I told him that I couldn't stand seeing her this way" as a personal attack, as if you blamed him for her problems. Maybe you were but as we both know, that was not the way we should say things. I believe he felt this because he immediately lashed out with "you did it to her" statement. Blame her - blame him - round and round.I can't remember, are you going to counseling? My counselor told my h not to come back unless he was interested in working on the marriage (didn't say it those words). He will be working on me and my own self worth and my ability to work on my life on my own. I know I need help. I've been told by a close friend that I'm obsessed w/my h. Don't know how I feel about that.Laura, I'm trying to follow the advise I pass along again to you -- we've heard it before. Pull yourself together and make a life for yourself. Don't think about what HE will think about this and that. Do what you think is right and go forward.Here's a hug for you ((((())))). We need them alot nowadays. And remember, you're not alone, you have first and foremost, our Lord with his arm wrapped around your shoulder helping you through this, then you have me and the rest of these good people on here.tina

He does blame me. I know it takes two though. I have made it a point to just take each day...one day at a time. I have no idea how he or I feel from day to day, so I am just trying to be me. Sometimes ME wants contact and sometimes ME doesn't want contact. Hopefully someday I will get to the point of making a firm decision about which I want.

Laura, Got to share this with you. Remember, my h moved out. Has his own place. I came home for a late lunch - 2pm(small town so everyone goes home for lunch) and there he was asleep on the couch??!! Why would he do this? He has his own place. I wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling. Now I wonder how many times he's over there while I'm at work (he works odd shift hours). Got any insight that I'm missing?As for your h, I take it that he doesn't read these threads. You have so much more knowledge and understanding than he does at this point. Give him some time to catch up, he's at a disadvantage without all this help we get here.You're doing ok - one day at a time. I read that one needs to make a list at the end of the day of what you have accomplished that day. Meaning don't think about what didn't get done but what did. Positive thinking girl. Let's be positive. We're doing ok. Better than ok, we're doing good. Tina

You are right Tina. I do need to think more positive. Everytime my husband is around if we have ANY small conflict about anything, he immediately says...well, I guess I'll just go home. I used to say, oh please don't go, don't be mad..sob...sob...Now the last time that happened I immediately said...BYE !! I said if you want to run home, nobody is stopping you, as a matter of fact, I don't want anyone to be here with me who doesn't want to be here anyway. Then I said...everytime there is the slightest conflict...your answer is to threaten leaving...I told him to grow up and stop acting like a baby. He didn't leave. And was even nice the next day. There was a wonderful service at my church this Sunday about Having "Peace of Mind". I just need to do better at applying that concept to my life.I know that no matter what the outcome, I WILL be fine. Doesn't stop me from wanting him to come home though. But I must say...the more time that goes by, the deeper he seems to drive that wedge between us. He is piling a lot of stuff on top of my love. The love hasn't left, but it is getting buried beneath anger and resentment. I miss him a lot, but I refuse to be treated badly. Thinking positive actually rubs off on your mental state of mind. I still have my down days, but they are farther apart now. So far I am still planning to attend the Disney world trip...as long as nothing bad happens before then.Everyone hang in there. We all know this is a long, hard road. Laura[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited July 12, 1999).]

Laura! Way to go! Assertiveness 101 is paying off! I know what you mean about you know you'll be ok if he doesn't come back but that doesn't stop you from wanting him to. Me too. My problem is that my husband is sooooo negative about everything. It's like he's only happy when he's griping about something. You should see him. He gets this light in his eyes while he warms up to the subject! YUK. That's what I uncovered was the root of my stopping communication with him. I can't stand it anymore. I thought he was getting better since he moved locations and not under the same people. But how wrong I was. He started in the other night & I found myself tuning him out again. I was going to say something to him but I was too gutless. Couldn't get up the nerve. Our truce is so fragile. But I know that if he doesn't get help about his attitude, I KNOW that I don't want him to come back. Maybe that was God's wakeup call to me. My counselor keeps telling me to let him go. But that's so hard.Now when this month do you go to FL? I'll bet you a frozen margarita (one of those great big ones)that you'll go and have a great time. A good chance for renewal. HAVE FUN!!! Tina

I am going to Disney World with my husband and children for 5 days...July 30th - Aug. 3rd. I'm not sure that it isn't going to be a tense feeling trip. But I am mainly going to see my kids faces when they go to Disney World for the first time.I really do wish I had the guts to just tell him to get lost until he decides what to do. Part of me wants to, but the other part doesn't want to let completely go. I guess I'll get to that point someday. He's STILL pretty sure that he doesn't want to work things out.[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited July 13, 1999).]

Does anyone think I am a fool for still letting my husband come around and spend the night at our house. Very often I might add. He says he is so confused about what to do. I miss him a lot, but know that no matter what he decides, I'll be OK. Not that it won't hurt if he decides to not return, but I know that I can work through that. I have decided (he doesn't know) to give this six months from the day he left. If he hasn't come to some type of decision by then, well he will then be on his own. Do you guys think I am stupid for letting this go on so long. I have prayed and prayed and I keep coming back to the same conclusion....hang in there and trust God.

Well everyone…I WAS dumb. Saturday night my husband said he might come over. He didn’t show up and I called him from 2:00am until 3:30am with no answer. So being dumb, I drove to his apartment, rang the doorbell, he answered the door promptly. But he acted weird. I went in his bedroom and opened his walk-in closet door and low and behold…what do you think I found. A girl. Well, I lost it totally and was hitting her and he pulled me off her and they both proceeded to tell me that she was a psychologist and she was a friend of one of his cop friends and they were actually talking about our marriage and how much Robert still loves me. I agree that there were no indications of sex or anything else, but a girl is a girl. She said she got into the closet because she didn’t want me to think the wrong thing about Robert. I told them both that getting into the closet was the dumbest thing and made things look worse. She left while I was yelling at him and I asked my husband for my house key back and told him to stay out of my life until he thought he could make a decision. He called my house about 15 times last night and I didn’t answer. Finally, I answered at 12:30 because I got sick of hearing it ring. He said I thought something had happened to you guys because you weren’t answering. I told him that we were fine and he needed to quit calling me. He told me that he did nothing wrong and that there were no motives of sex. He just wanted to talk to her because she was a psyc. I told him that I didn’t care and I wanted no contact with him unless he decided to work on our marriage. This was a hard decision to come to and to stick with, but I believe since his views on being confused haven’t changed any since the day he left, that me being all sweet and bending over backwards to please him isn’t working. So I have decided to cut the contact to a minimum. (kids only). He doesn’t like that, but I really think it is best. He’ll be able to make a clear decision on what to do with his life without having that pull coming from me. And I’ll get to start the healing process towards recovery because he already says that he doesn’t think he can trust me again. So what’s the point in hanging around together anymore?I’ll be ok and everything will turn out just the way God intends. I love this board! It is such on outlet.

Laura!! I'm gone for just a little while and look what happens! Wow what a tough weekend! To look at what happened, I'm sorry and it's just my opinion, but she's not much of a professional (are you sure she is or just works for one?) if she did what she did: go to a troubled man's apartment at night (2am! yet) - to counsel?; HIDE in his closet so you wouldn't get the wrong idea. give me a break, how gullible do they think you are?!!!??*** Sorry but I don't buy it. Any professional would not have jeopardized their practice with her baloney.I am so sorry about the timing. It breaks my heart when I read the posting from the 13th when you said you wanted to see your kids faces when they saw Disney World for the first time.Let me know how you're doing.And I don't think you're a fool, stupid, or dumb. You are a loving but hurting lady that deserves to be happy.God's peace, strength and comfort to you. Tina

She really was a psyc., but they were only talking as friends. But anyway, he IS interested in her for future reference as maybe a date "when he is ready". I say no matter what she is...bringing a female to your home takes everything to a new level and direction. He seems to think none of his life is my business anymore and he doesn't seem interested in working anything out with me. I guess I just have to face the fact that it is time to start over and move on and try to get over him. Yes he still loves me, ,but he says love isn't everything. He doesn't seem to have any intentions of working anything out. He told me that he feels like I am a habit/addiction that needs to be broken, but he still loves me, so he says that makes it hard. Oh well, can't blame me for trying. But I think it is time to give up. I still may do Disney World for the sake of my kids, but I will be sleeping in a separate room.

Someone please tell me I will make it through this a be a strong person in the end !!! I feel like I am dying inside.

Where is everyone when you need them????Anyone want to email....llwise@conninc.com

Well, everyone please pray that this weekend will touch my husband's heart in a special way. We are off to Disney World with the kids for 5 days. Pray, pray and pray more. As the Lord says...pray without ceasing.

Hi Laura...I'm so sorry I didn't see your question until today. I hadn't really navigated around this site much, and only looked at a few other posts. I did see the question from Tara,on PCs'thread, and I briefly responded there. I have been through your pain twice! My first husband left, with no more explaination than "I don't love you anymore..goodbye." I stood there, with my 14 mo. old baby, while he packed and moved all his belongings out, on holloween eve. while kids were trick or treating at my front door! I'll never forget that. He moved into an apt, in town, and didn't bother coming around to see me, or his son, for at least a year. He met and married a 19 year old lifeguard, (we were in our 30s) and is still married to her now. My son will be 10 next week. The man I am now married to, I met him about 3 and 1/2 years later, in 93. Our story is so hard to keep track of, but I can tell you, It was in 95 that we fell apart. We loved each other, but we didn't know how to communicate with each other, and were both overwhelmed with having a total of 5 kids that summer, as we had just had a baby girl together. You might not believe this story, but in retrospect I can not believe it myself,..what happened between us, and that we survived, and are still together now. Most couples would not have survived, and I have always felt that there must be a higher power that keeps us together, and that all things happen for a reason. To be more direct with an answer to your question...He first left, and took his oldest son w/him, and told me he had found a furnished place.He called a couple weeks later, I found out that this "furnished place" was another womans' home. I still made no contact with him, he had called me.He came over one afternoon, and caught me by suprise. My son comes in from the garage and hollers:"hey Mom! Can Dad come in?"(He refers to him as Dad, and calls his Father Dad too.) He told me, (I'll never forget it all) that he didn't want to have any problem, and that he was only there to see his baby girl. She was asleep, and I practially pushed him out the door. He left angry. I told him, that if, and when he decided to love someone...to make sure it was himself! Another couple of weeks went by, and I went ahead and found an apt, and put a deposit on it. In the meantime, I changed all the locks on the doors of the house, and just kept working, and taking care of the kids. Laura, I was heartbroken, I didn't want to be like that...but I was hellbent on NOT letting him know that. I wanted him to think that he was despensible...replaceable. I also had a small circle of friends who were very supportive, then. It was very hard, I had to deliver kids all different places for care during my work hours, and do the reverse picking them up...Well, the babysitter that took care of our daughter, either called him, or he called her,(I'll never know) and he found out that I was planning a move. That was when he called and asked to come over to talk. He caught me at a very vulnerable time, and I accepted. The story gets even better! He then told me he had seen a DR. about 7-9 months prior to all this,(right before the baby came) and the DR. told him he had lung cancer. Of course, my anger, turned to fear! I asked him what DR? He says "Uh...I don't remember his name" I asked him where was the office? He says "somewhere in the south end of town" I continued with the questions...and finally said, "you must think I am really stupid!" "What kind of DR would tell you you have cancer on the first visit, and not schedule a follow up??" He stuck to his story, and went as far as to tell his boss, his Mother, and his older children! So I told him that I wanted him to be seen by another DR. He followed through with it, and I was told by the DRs nurse, that he did have spots on his lungs,but they were not cancer. I was so confused, and angry, and hurt, I just wanted to die. He asked me, if I would be willing to go to a counselling session with him, and I agreed. We spent about a year, paying $50 a session every other week. He was faithful in showing up, and so was I. We got married in 97, and I am still having alot of problems today!LOL! I have learned throughout all of this, that I am strong, capable, and worthy of happiness. If he were to leave tomorrow, I would be sad, for me, for my kids, but I know that life will go on, and I still strive every day to learn and grow. Finding inner peace is my goal. The latest of books I am reading is called: "Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav, and it is one of the most enlightening yet.I hope and pray that you can find peace, and wish happiness for you and yours. I would love to hear from you, and that your trip to Disney was a productive and positive one for you. Disneyworld is AWESOME. I truly hope you had a good time. We just went to Universal Studios, and the new "Island of Adventure" last weekend, with NO kids. We are still working on our issues together, and have a long way to go! I will be sure to check back for you, Laura! My story is so complicated, and I dont know that my experience relates...but if I can be of ANY help..I do know how much pain you are in, by reading some of your back posts.

Well, thanks Wondermom. I guess that means things are looking kind of grim for me and my marriage. My husband has been physically gone now since May 17th. I knew he was leaving for a month before he left. So really he has been out of the marriage for about 15 weeks now. He hasn't been with anyone else yet, but his motto seems to be "Whatever happens. . . Happens" I really felt a lot of love from him on our Disney trip, but to him it didn't change a thing. It is very hard to spend all that quality time with him and then come back to all THIS mess again.I feel so sad. I want my marriage back and don't know if that will ever happen. I feel like my husband is pretty sure that this will all end in Divorce, but I refuse to give up on our marriage. I just can't do that letting go thing. I just can't sit back and watch as he disappears out of my life. No I'm not pushing either, but I am giving him the best of both worlds right now and I sure hope that one day...his old world will be more appealing to him than his new world without us. I know I am keeping this all fresh and it will hurt like hell if he decides to divorce instead of coming back. Should I take this risk? Because let me tell you, when I cut him off and just have contact for the kids only...he doesn't care. It doesn't bother him one bit. Does anyone think I am being rediculous by giving him the best of both worlds ?? He may choose to come back to this world if he doesn't have the chance to forget about it.

Oh Laura, I know how you are feeling. I don't know all of your circumstances, but I can only tell you what I honestly think. I am NO expert, by any means, and you are the only one who really knows what is right for you, and your kids.My opinion perhaps, may not be what you want to hear at all...but I do have one, and I really don't want you to feel hurt even more than you are. Tell me about the Disney trip! Is it not one of the most awesome places on earth? How did your H behave? Does he show affection when you are together? How does he handle himself around the kids? I bet they had fun! I will check back tomorrow ok?

The Disney trip was wonderful. We ALL had a great time. Yes he shows affection when we are together. He holds my hand, it was just like still being together at Disney. He spent the night at my house when we got back and then again last night. When I left for work this morning, he told me that he loves me. I know that he would like to come back, but he doesn't feel that he can trust me not to hit him ever again. I would never do that again. But getting him to trust me might be the hurdle that he can not get over. So only time will tell. I am willing to hang in there for a while though. And I like to get other people's opinions, but I do believe that since he still says he loves me and does show affection in public too, that there is still enough there to hang on to.

Laura, I'm new here and I stumbled across your thread. Your husband sounds like he really loves you and cares about you. Have you shared with him what you have found in this website and the messages you have written? I realize that writing here is like writing in a diary (that can reply :-) but maybe if he could see this he would understand you better. You would be making yourself vulnerable to him by opening yourself to him honestly but it may give you both the chance you need to move in the right direction if you want to be back together (and it sounds like you do). Don't be afraid to show him you love him. Give what you want to give him, happily and without regrets. You may regret never "giving in" to your feelings and love if things don't work out. If he walks away after all of it, then at least you can say that you gave him all your love and honesty, and gave your marriage all that it deserves. Be strong enough not to hurt him if he does give you the chance to show him how much he means to you. He's still there and he still wants to be with you for many reasons but you can't keep waiting it out like this and think it will work. Throw him a line (give him a chance) and be the first one to make the brave step forward at building your marriage back. Ask for a date, a weekend for two. Maybe then you'll be able to decide if what you are feeling is really still love or maybe just fear of not having someone to love. I bet it's still love for your husband. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope I don't offend you with my thoughts. I'm just hoping you don't miss your chance. Take care and be strong. You can do anything and remember that his first reaction may be fear of getting hurt. If you show him what you've written here, that may alleviate some of those fears and give him trust in you and your intentions. Good luck!

Sorry, but seeing this thread would just piss him off. He thinks our problems are no one's business !! That is why I come here to talk. I actually met someone on this board from NY and talk to her on the phone. But I don't think him seeing this board would make any difference at all. He knows how much I still love him and want him to come home. I don't beg him or ask him anymore though. I think he will make a decision sooner or later, but I think when we are not together, that I need to leave him alone and not ask all kinds of questions about his life and what he is doing. So far he hasn't been with anyone else, but I do realize that the longer this goes on...the more that is a possibility. I still believe there is hope, but like I've said....to avoid too much pain, I refuse to focus on that. I have to live my life like he isn't coming back. If God somehow works this out and he does come back..then great. But if he doesn't come back, I have to know that I can do this without him. I can, but it is hard and sad.

Maybe I haven't read all of the details of your situation, but it seems to me that if your husband really wanted your marriage to work out, he would be willing to go to marriage counseling with you. You seem to have no real communication about the problems you two had in the marriage - all of your encounters are shrouded by sex, trying to please the children and threats of leaving if even the slightest thing goes bad. The fact that you have lied about finances and have been physically abusive means that you have an opportunity to give your husband tangible proof that you are making real changes in your life. I haven't read anything from you that would show you have made any great strides to change your personality; maybe this isn't the forum for that. I don't think that your husband feels that you have changed THAT much - I mean you physically attacked a total stranger for being in your husbands residence. . .your physical abuse was one of the reasons he left in the first place and you have, in one incident, shown that you still haven't learned to control yourself. Your best bet is to take the initiative and seek out some serious counsel - I would also suggest that you contact a paralegal if you are unable to afford and attorney and file for a legal separation and set some real guidelines as to when he sees the children. You think that divorce screws kids up? Wait til you see what they say to you in 10 years about the past 6 months and what emotional upheaval they have been enduring because of you and your husband. I really wish you the best.

Maybe you haven't read it all. And you have no right to judge whether or not I can change. I have changed a tremdous amount thanks to God. And yes I made amistake by going over to my husband's apt., but there are a lot of women who would have freaked at finding a gal in the closet. That isn't about my personality, that was immediate reaction. Yes, now I wish I had just walked away, but I can't change what happened and my husband has forgiven the incident. And he also has been spending more time with us. But I know that doesn't mean he will come back, but I can always pray and hope, no one can take that away from me. I am signing up for an anger management class. It is suppose to be a great class. I do go to counseling. She is the one who recommended the class.[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited August 20, 1999).]

Hi Laura, Just thought I would pop in and see how things are for you. Better I hope. I see you signed up for anger management. Let me know how it goes, as I wish my husband were in it, too. Write again soon.. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

The anger management class doesn't start until October 14th. I am looking forward to it. I can't tell anyone how much peace God himself has given me. I feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted from my heart. Yes, I still want Robert to come home, but I know with the Lord's help even if he doesn't, I will be okay. But I pray for him and for God to guide and lead him back to his family.

Dear Laura,I have been reading this thread with a lot of interest, because while so different from my situation, the feelings that you have been describing are so similar to what I'm feeling now. (For my story, see "Attention Vs. Love" on the Emotional Needs board, my post is about halfway-down on the thread)I guess I don't really know how you got to the point in your life that you're at now because you haven't mentioned it in this thread (I assume it has something to do with an OM or OW?), and fortunately, neither my husband nor I have come to that point yet.However, we do have some severe problems, and every day I go from wondering how I'm going to make it to the next day, to loving him so much that it's breaking my heart. I want to leave, but I don't have the strength or courage, because even though I'd be okay financially, I don't know what I would do without him. Also further complicated by the fact we have a daughter, and I don't want her to grow up in a broken home.But my question is, how do you deal with all these feelings? And how do you keep it from affecting your relationship with your children? Are you finding yourself taking it out on them sometimes? (I have a tendency to get irritated at the baby, not for anything she's done, but because I feel so awful, and then I feel terrible about that.) One day, things are great and I'm happy and optimistic about the future, the next, life as I know it is about to end.We have started counseling, and I'm beginning to wonder: even if it is successful, how am I am going to get rid of this anger and resentment towards him, so that I can forgive him for all the crap he unknowingly is putting me through (that makes it harder: half the stuff he's doing he's not aware of, so how can I really be angry at him...?), and put the past behind us, and go back to being happy again?Am I making any sense at all? Although our situations are different, I had a feeling you might understand...Thanks for listening.

Well fortunately I can say there is no other woman, YET. But I can tell you I resent my husband for leaving instead of sticking it out and trying one last time. I can go on like this for a while, but there will come a day that he will have to make a decision in what he wants. Check out the books that Dr. Harley recommends, they ARE good.

Just thought I would check in and let everyone know that I am still hanging in there. With God's help I have gained peace with my situation. My husband still won't say that he's coming home. But he has been spending more time around the house and he even took some more vacation time to go with me to Wilmington, NC to see the Blue Angels Airshow. I only asked him about it once and let it go and figured if he was suppose to go, God would let it happen. Well, weeks later he has told me that he would like to go. I really miss being with him on a daily basis, and I do pray everyday that he is around me... that God will touch his heart through my changes and will let him realize my changes are permanent whether or not he returns. I love him and want him to come home to his family and I have faith the God can bring him home if I don't give up.

Laura,It's good to hear from you, and I'm glad to see that you've gained some inner peace. It also appears that your husband might be softening a bit---nice news there, too! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Hello Laura, I am glad to hear that you are doing better. I havent been here for a while...and have been so depressed lately, I havent been much good company, or help to anyone. Anyway, keep posting, and I will check in again. Take care!!!

Hi guys,Mixed feeling eh? I get them every day. I feel like I am on the right track and then my emotions go awarl and thats it. I made a commitment to meet some goals to change my life but I fell down last night. One of my goals is not to get so annoyed when my husband calls me names to wind me up. e.g fatty pass me some milk. I get annoyed and tell him I'm not fat. He laughs and this gets me mad. I've asked him why he winds me up and he says it fun. I told him last night it isn't. I turned over and ignored him until morning.My goal was to take a deep breath and be say ha, ha, in my mind to make me feel better and change my emotion. Then to say to myself your okay.Last night though I flipped. He called me a Fat c*unt don't steal the covers, he uses this word about everyone and everything lately so the word c*unt isn't meant to be offensive just his volucabulary. I said I'm not a fat c*unt, he said are are, I said why do you call me a fat c*nt I am trying to loose weight. He said oh stop being mard. I was fuming. Mard, I said, what if I kept calling you. He said go a head. I wish he'd get the message he is driving me nuts. But him and family and friends think I take things too seriously. Please don't tell me to leave him, this is no help. I want solutions which might help to repair my marriage. I've had counsellors telling me t leave, but this isn't what I want. May be your think I deserve this treatment then. I don't think I do. I need to vent. I want to scream. Is there an answer out there? Has anyone else found a way to deal with this sort of thing?Theressa

Theressa, I know you've heard or thought of this already but you are feeding your husband's problem. You said yourself that he wants to rile you, so that is what you can't let him do. I know, easy to say not to do! But you see that that is where he gets his jollies (I agree that that is sick) but you're hurting and he's not listening. Take away his fun and don't show anger or hurt when he says that. What do you think his reponse would have been when he told you to not steel the covers and you said "ok, sorry" ? Remember, don't be the whipping boy. Don't let him take out his obvious frustration and anger on you. Maybe not rising to the bait will make him look elsewhere for satisfaction and leave you alone. I read a book awhile ago, Dr. Wheat's "Love Life". A very Biblical based marriage book. In it was a case where this wife's husband liked to mistreat her in public (verbally). She finally adapted by knowing that Jesus loved her even when her husband said she was unlovable. She visualized being with Jesus and held herself with pride and self confidence. And her husband has noticed and things have improved.I imagine with your husbands continual assaults your own self esteem must be pretty low. You need to work on that. Do things for yourself. Make yourself feel good about yourself. Cultivate friends and support. Do you have family nearby? I'm not suggesting telling anyone your problems, but find someone who will support you no matter what. Go out and have some fun. Make yourself someone that's fun to be with.Remember God loves you and is with you always. You can always talk to Him. God's love and peace be with you, Tina

Tina,This really helps, I've posted this post in emotional needs and I told the guys there I'd start to ignore him. I am glad that you have supported me in this.Thanks so much. Theressa

Theresa, I am new here, this is my first comment. I don't know the details of your situation, except that your husband calls you names and doesn't respect you enough to listen to your requests for him to stop. You need to do more than just ignore his name calling. I don't mean, yell and scream and cry. But don't just ignore him. Calmly and pleasantly tell him (just like you would a young child if you were his teacher) that he is not being very nice and you don't like his name calling. Then leave the room! Go where he cannot follow. If you just ignore him but stay there, his insults will continue, and probably get worse. I don't know if you have anywhere you can go and stay overnight if necessary, but if you do have a place, use it. You need to make the consequence for hurting you undesirable enough to him so that he prefers being nice to you. If he can't get you riled (because you leave without giving him the chance) he'll get tired of the game. Especially if it means no sex tonight because he ran you out of the house by being a jerk.The reason you should leave is because it is extremely difficult to ignore mean behavior. And you are way out of practice. He can't insult you if you aren't there. If you are there and ignore the first comment, he'll try another and another until you crack. And don't listen to those who say you should acknowledge a don't steal the covers c*** with an I'm sorry. That is exactly the reaction he wants. It's the same reaction as crying, or getting angry. It says 'deep down I know your right. I am a c***. or I am fat.' Saying I don't appreciate your mean comment and leaving the room says I don't agree with you and I won't stand here and let you abuse me. This doesn't mean you have to divorce him. Unless of course he never stops, and everytime you walk back in the door he insults you all over again. If that becomes the case it means he really doesn't love you or like you and you shouldn't possibly want to be with someone that doesn't love you.My husband loves me, I know that is true, but he can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. I just discovered this sight and I hope it can help our marriage. Whenever we have had a big blow up in the past afterwards he admits that he is hurtful and claims he doesn't mean to be that way, but we've never been able to find a solution. So on one hand I think he wants to change his behavior and will with some help. Hopefully this is the help we need.For the past two years I have ignored his mean comments. They just keep coming. My silence says the same thing as your anger. That I deserved the insult. So take it from experience, simply ignoring it doesn't work.------------------

Laura, I read your profile and your comments in this post. I don't have all the history, I am sure, but personally, I think your H is enjoying having his cake and eating it too. He gets to do whatever he wants when he wants, spend time with you and the kids on his own schedule, and he's even been able to get you into bed at times. First he says he most likely won't come back and then he acts like he will. He's dragging you along on a roller coaster ride. I understand you lied to him about money. But unless you cheated on him that doesn't sound like enough reason for him to act like this. He knows you want him back very badly. And he's using that to get whatever he wants. Since you have children, it makes it hard to completely separate with absolutely no contact. But it can be done. Make someone else be a go between. If he has questions about the kids medical needs, he calls the go between and the go between calls you. That way he can't keep you on the phone to say other stuff. Tell him you are giving him his space, and if and when he decides he wants to come back permanently he can. But that until then, there will be NO contact. Not even over the phone. Even if you did the lying, you have a right to your own peace. He can't play games if you aren't there to play with him. Also, why did you lie? When I choose to lie to someone, it is because I am afraid of their reaction to the truth. If this is the case with you, then maybe he should be looking at the reaction you were afraid of. If you lied because he would have blown up at you over the truth, then he needs to look at his behavior. Obviously, he gets overly pissed pretty easily. From what I hear you saying, he is NOT playing FAIR here at all.

TraLyn,Thank you for replying to my post. I have tried as the others have said to ignore him. You are right, it does no good because eventually you crack. Shouting back ends up in a arguement. And saying how I feel just makes me more vulnerable. I have left the room on occassions this stops the insults but what I am most confussed about is what I should do with my anger.I become so angry and I will say, why did you call me that name. I just can't help myself, I want to make him feel guilty. I know you are going to tell me he doesn't and I know this also but it is damn hard not to show your anger.What do you think I could do with my anger as supressing obviously doesn't help?Thanks again, it is good to know that I can call on you for insight. I am also sorry that you are going through this to.Theressa

Hi TraLyn,I was told about a very useful site the other day and maybe you might be interested in it.http://www.drirene.comThe site is for victims and abusers, it helped me alot. Thanks for all of your help.Theressa

Theresa,Thanks, I'll have to check out that site. As for your anger, Yes, you need to release it, but not at him. I suggest going for a walk, or a run. Even better is if you have a friend that can go with and listen to you rant and rave about him. The physical excersize releases the built up tension in your muscles, the ranting and raving releases the built up emotional tension. I take TaeKwonDo classes. Also, physical excersize causes your body to release hormones that make you feel good. You also have to accept that you can only help yourself. you cannot make him change. He has to want to. If he sees that you won't tolerate or hang around for his insults, he'll have to decide what he's going to do about it. Either he'll want to change his behavior because he loves you and wants you around, or he'll leave you because he doesn't love you and never did love you. I know that hurts and right now you want him to stay, but a one sided relationship is always lousy. If he doesn't love you, then he's just wasting all the time that you could be spending with someone who does love you. Remember, YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU! and they DO exist. But my guess is that he loves you and will change when he realizes that his current behavior won't work. Anyway, try walking, or jumping rope, or punching a pillow. Just don't do it in front of him.Hang in there!TraLyn

TraLyn,I wanted to update you on my progress. I've been reading divorce busting by Michele Weiner-Davis it has some great tips. One suggestions was to do a 180, do the opposite of what's not been working. As I've said I tried telling my husband insults hurt, I've tried walking away, I tried the works. I decided I was going to positive self talk me, work on my self esteem. I devised a plan. Dr Irene suggest telling yourself that "I am not getting engage or defending myself, I am okay and it is just his attempt to engage me". Then I will visit the bathroom take a few deep breaths. This is working, in the last week no names, he started criticising how I did things, again I did what Dr Irene suggested and followed my plan. It worked, he gave up criticising me. I am feel more secure about me now I have read Dr Irene's power page and her site. Before I thought may be its about me. Now I know its about him, its easier to ignore him. When my daughter who is five years old has a tantrum we ignore her. So I am doing the same with him. I am more optimistic now, I have a lovely family and friends and a good job. I have lots of things in my life which are good. He can't take them away from me. My mum and family and friend love me just the way I am. So why should I be any one else.A friend off the Divorce busting site is mailing me a copy of "The abused woman". I am going to read it when I receive it. I am working very hard now at not be co-dependent.I'll keep you posted. Hope things are going well for you.The anger well since I don't get engage or take on board his rubish, I've not had any anger.Theressa

Trayln,I've been venting on the divorce board and asking for advice and working on solutions, which is I realise where my personal power is. This has really helped.How are you?Theressa