He does blame me. I know it takes two though. I have made it a point to just take each day...one day at a time. I have no idea how he or I feel from day to day, so I am just trying to be me. Sometimes ME wants contact and sometimes ME doesn't want contact. Hopefully someday I will get to the point of making a firm decision about which I want.

Laura, Got to share this with you. Remember, my h moved out. Has his own place. I came home for a late lunch - 2pm(small town so everyone goes home for lunch) and there he was asleep on the couch??!! Why would he do this? He has his own place. I wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling. Now I wonder how many times he's over there while I'm at work (he works odd shift hours). Got any insight that I'm missing?<P>As for your h, I take it that he doesn't read these threads. You have so much more knowledge and understanding than he does at this point. Give him some time to catch up, he's at a disadvantage without all this help we get here.<P>You're doing ok - one day at a time. I read that one needs to make a list at the end of the day of what you have accomplished that day. Meaning don't think about what didn't get done but what did. Positive thinking girl. Let's be positive. We're doing ok. Better than ok, we're doing good. <P>Tina<BR>

You are right Tina. I do need to think more positive. Everytime my husband is around if we have ANY small conflict about anything, he immediately says...well, I guess I'll just go home. I used to say, oh please don't go, don't be mad..sob...sob...Now the last time that happened I immediately said...BYE !! I said if you want to run home, nobody is stopping you, as a matter of fact, I don't want anyone to be here with me who doesn't want to be here anyway. Then I said...everytime there is the slightest conflict...your answer is to threaten leaving...I told him to grow up and stop acting like a baby. He didn't leave. And was even nice the next day. <P>There was a wonderful service at my church this Sunday about Having "Peace of Mind". I just need to do better at applying that concept to my life.<P>I know that no matter what the outcome, I WILL be fine. Doesn't stop me from wanting him to come home though. But I must say...the more time that goes by, the deeper he seems to drive that wedge between us. He is piling a lot of stuff on top of my love. The love hasn't left, but it is getting buried beneath anger and resentment. I miss him a lot, but I refuse to be treated badly. <P>Thinking positive actually rubs off on your mental state of mind. I still have my down days, but they are farther apart now. <P>So far I am still planning to attend the Disney world trip...as long as nothing bad happens before then.<P>Everyone hang in there. We all know this is a long, hard road. <P>Laura<p>[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited July 12, 1999).]

Laura! Way to go! Assertiveness 101 is paying off! <P>I know what you mean about you know you'll be ok if he doesn't come back but that doesn't stop you from wanting him to. Me too. My problem is that my husband is sooooo negative about everything. It's like he's only happy when he's griping about something. You should see him. He gets this light in his eyes while he warms up to the subject! YUK. That's what I uncovered was the root of my stopping communication with him. I can't stand it anymore. I thought he was getting better since he moved locations and not under the same people. But how wrong I was. He started in the other night & I found myself tuning him out again. I was going to say something to him but I was too gutless. Couldn't get up the nerve. Our truce is so fragile. But I know that if he doesn't get help about his attitude, I KNOW that I don't want him to come back. Maybe that was God's wakeup call to me. My counselor keeps telling me to let him go. But that's so hard.<P>Now when this month do you go to FL? I'll bet you a frozen margarita (one of those great big ones)that you'll go and have a great time. A good chance for renewal. HAVE FUN!!!<BR>Tina

I am going to Disney World with my husband and children for 5 days...July 30th - Aug. 3rd. I'm not sure that it isn't going to be a tense feeling trip. But I am mainly going to see my kids faces when they go to Disney World for the first time.<P>I really do wish I had the guts to just tell him to get lost until he decides what to do. Part of me wants to, but the other part doesn't want to let completely go. I guess I'll get to that point someday. He's STILL pretty sure that he doesn't want to work things out.<p>[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited July 13, 1999).]

Does anyone think I am a fool for still letting my husband come around and spend the night at our house. Very often I might add. He says he is so confused about what to do. I miss him a lot, but know that no matter what he decides, I'll be OK. Not that it won't hurt if he decides to not return, but I know that I can work through that. <P>I have decided (he doesn't know) to give this six months from the day he left. If he hasn't come to some type of decision by then, well he will then be on his own. Do you guys think I am stupid for letting this go on so long. I have prayed and prayed and I keep coming back to the same conclusion....hang in there and trust God.

Well everyone…I WAS dumb. Saturday night my husband said he might come over. He didn’t show up and I called him from 2:00am until 3:30am with no answer. So being dumb, I drove to his apartment, rang the doorbell, he answered the door promptly. But he acted weird. I went in his bedroom and opened his walk-in closet door and low and behold…what do you think I found. A girl. Well, I lost it totally and was hitting her and he pulled me off her and they both proceeded to tell me that she was a psychologist and she was a friend of one of his cop friends and they were actually talking about our marriage and how much Robert still loves me. I agree that there were no indications of sex or anything else, but a girl is a girl. She said she got into the closet because she didn’t want me to think the wrong thing about Robert. I told them both that getting into the closet was the dumbest thing and made things look worse. She left while I was yelling at him and I asked my husband for my house key back and told him to stay out of my life until he thought he could make a decision. <P>He called my house about 15 times last night and I didn’t answer. Finally, I answered at 12:30 because I got sick of hearing it ring. He said I thought something had happened to you guys because you weren’t answering. I told him that we were fine and he needed to quit calling me. He told me that he did nothing wrong and that there were no motives of sex. He just wanted to talk to her because she was a psyc. I told him that I didn’t care and I wanted no contact with him unless he decided to work on our marriage. This was a hard decision to come to and to stick with, but I believe since his views on being confused haven’t changed any since the day he left, that me being all sweet and bending over backwards to please him isn’t working. So I have decided to cut the contact to a minimum. (kids only). He doesn’t like that, but I really think it is best. He’ll be able to make a clear decision on what to do with his life without having that pull coming from me. And I’ll get to start the healing process towards recovery because he already says that he doesn’t think he can trust me again. So what’s the point in hanging around together anymore?<P>I’ll be ok and everything will turn out just the way God intends. I love this board! It is such on outlet.<BR>

Laura!! I'm gone for just a little while and look what happens! Wow what a tough weekend! <P>To look at what happened, I'm sorry and it's just my opinion, but she's not much of a professional (are you sure she is or just works for one?) if she did what she did: go to a troubled man's apartment at night (2am! yet) - to counsel?; HIDE in his closet so you wouldn't get the wrong idea. give me a break, how gullible do they think you are?!!!??*** Sorry but I don't buy it. Any professional would not have jeopardized their practice with her baloney.<P>I am so sorry about the timing. It breaks my heart when I read the posting from the 13th when you said you wanted to see your kids faces when they saw Disney World for the first time.<P>Let me know how you're doing.<P>And I don't think you're a fool, stupid, or dumb. You are a loving but hurting lady that deserves to be happy.<P>God's peace, strength and comfort to you.<BR>Tina

She really was a psyc., but they were only talking as friends. But anyway, he IS interested in her for future reference as maybe a date "when he is ready". I say no matter what she is...bringing a female to your home takes everything to a new level and direction. He seems to think none of his life is my business anymore and he doesn't seem interested in working anything out with me. I guess I just have to face the fact that it is time to start over and move on and try to get over him. Yes he still loves me, ,but he says love isn't everything. He doesn't seem to have any intentions of working anything out. He told me that he feels like I am a habit/addiction that needs to be broken, but he still loves me, so he says that makes it hard. Oh well, can't blame me for trying. But I think it is time to give up. I still may do Disney World for the sake of my kids, but I will be sleeping in a separate room.

Someone please tell me I will make it through this a be a strong person in the end !!! I feel like I am dying inside.

Where is everyone when you need them????<P>Anyone want to email....<P>llwise@conninc.com

Well, everyone please pray that this weekend will touch my husband's heart in a special way. We are off to Disney World with the kids for 5 days. Pray, pray and pray more. As the Lord says...pray without ceasing.

Hi Laura...I'm so sorry I didn't see your question until today. I hadn't really navigated around this site much, and only looked at a few other posts. <BR>I did see the question from Tara,on PCs'thread, and I briefly responded there. <BR>I have been through your pain twice! <BR>My first husband left, with no more explaination than "I don't love you anymore..goodbye." I stood there, with my 14 mo. old baby, while he packed and moved all his belongings out, on holloween eve. while kids were trick or treating at my front door! I'll never forget that. He moved into an apt, in town, and didn't bother coming around to see me, or his son, for at least a year.<BR>He met and married a 19 year old lifeguard, (we were in our 30s) and is still married to her now. My son will be 10 next week.<BR>The man I am now married to, I met him about 3 and 1/2 years later, in 93.<BR>Our story is so hard to keep track of, but I can tell you, It was in 95 that we fell apart. We loved each other, but we didn't know how to communicate with each other, and were both overwhelmed with having a total of 5 kids that summer, as we had just had a baby girl together.<BR>You might not believe this story, but in retrospect I can not believe it myself,..what happened between us, and that we survived, and are still together now. Most couples would not have survived, and I have always felt that there must be a higher power that keeps us together, and that all things happen for a reason.<BR>To be more direct with an answer to your question...He first left, and took his oldest son w/him, and told me he had found a furnished place.He called a couple weeks later, I found out that this "furnished place" was another womans' home. I still made no contact with him, he had called me.He came over one afternoon, and caught me by suprise.<BR>My son comes in from the garage and hollers:"hey Mom! Can Dad come in?"(He refers to him as Dad, and calls his Father Dad too.)<BR>He told me, (I'll never forget it all) that he didn't want to have any problem, and that he was only there to see his baby girl. She was asleep, and I practially pushed him out the door. He left angry. I told him, that if, and when he decided to love someone...to make sure it was himself! Another couple of weeks went by, and I went ahead and found an apt, and put a deposit on it. In the meantime, I changed all the locks on the doors of the house, and just kept working, and taking care of the kids.<BR>Laura, I was heartbroken, I didn't want to be like that...but I was hellbent on NOT letting him know that. I wanted him to think that he was despensible...replaceable. I also had a small circle of friends who were very supportive, then.<BR>It was very hard, I had to deliver kids all different places for care during my work hours, and do the reverse picking them up...Well, the babysitter that took care of our daughter, either called him, or he called her,(I'll never know) and he found out that I was planning a move.<BR>That was when he called and asked to come over to talk. He caught me at a very vulnerable time, and I accepted. The story gets even better! He then told me he had seen a DR. about 7-9 months prior to all this,(right before the baby came) and the DR. told him he had lung cancer. Of course, my anger, turned to fear! I asked him what DR? He says "Uh...I don't remember his name" I asked him where was the office? He says "somewhere in the south end of town"<BR>I continued with the questions...and finally said, "you must think I am really stupid!" "What kind of DR would tell you you have cancer on the first visit, and not schedule a follow up??"<BR>He stuck to his story, and went as far as to tell his boss, his Mother, and his older children! So I told him that I wanted him to be seen by another DR.<BR>He followed through with it, and I was told by the DRs nurse, that he did have spots on his lungs,but they were not cancer. <BR>I was so confused, and angry, and hurt, I just wanted to die. He asked me, if I would be willing to go to a counselling session with him, and I agreed.<BR>We spent about a year, paying $50 a session every other week. He was faithful in showing up, and so was I.<BR>We got married in 97, and I am still having alot of problems today!LOL!<BR>I have learned throughout all of this, that I am strong, capable, and worthy of happiness. If he were to leave tomorrow, I would be sad, for me, for my kids, but I know that life will go on, and I still strive every day to learn and grow. Finding inner peace is my goal. The latest of books I am reading is called:<BR>"Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav, and it is one of the most enlightening yet.<P>I hope and pray that you can find peace, and wish happiness for you and yours.<BR>I would love to hear from you, and that your trip to Disney was a productive and positive one for you. Disneyworld is AWESOME. I truly hope you had a good time. We just went to Universal Studios, and the new "Island of Adventure" last weekend, with NO kids. We are still working on our issues together, and have a long way to go!<BR>I will be sure to check back for you, Laura!<BR>My story is so complicated, and I dont know that my experience relates...but if I can be of ANY help..I do know how much pain you are in, by reading some of your back posts. <BR>

Well, thanks Wondermom. I guess that means things are looking kind of grim for me and my marriage. My husband has been physically gone now since May 17th. I knew he was leaving for a month before he left. So really he has been out of the marriage for about 15 weeks now. <P>He hasn't been with anyone else yet, but his motto seems to be "Whatever happens. . . Happens" I really felt a lot of love from him on our Disney trip, but to him it didn't change a thing. It is very hard to spend all that quality time with him and then come back to all THIS mess again.<P>I feel so sad. I want my marriage back and don't know if that will ever happen. I feel like my husband is pretty sure that this will all end in Divorce, but I refuse to give up on our marriage. I just can't do that letting go thing. I just can't sit back and watch as he disappears out of my life. No I'm not pushing either, but I am giving him the best of both worlds right now and I sure hope that one day...his old world will be more appealing to him than his new world without us. <P>I know I am keeping this all fresh and it will hurt like hell if he decides to divorce instead of coming back. Should I take this risk? Because let me tell you, when I cut him off and just have contact for the kids only...he doesn't care. It doesn't bother him one bit. <P>Does anyone think I am being rediculous by giving him the best of both worlds ?? He may choose to come back to this world if he doesn't have the chance to forget about it.

Oh Laura, I know how you are feeling. I <BR>don't know all of your circumstances, <BR>but I can only tell you what I honestly <BR>think. I am NO expert, by any means, and <BR>you are the only one who really knows <BR>what is right for you, and your kids.<P>My opinion perhaps, may not be what you <BR>want to hear at all...but I do have one, <BR>and I really don't want you to feel hurt <BR>even more than you are. <P>Tell me about the Disney trip! Is it not <BR>one of the most awesome places on earth?<BR>How did your H behave? Does he show <BR>affection when you are together? How <BR>does he handle himself around the kids? <BR>I bet they had fun! <BR> <BR>I will check back tomorrow ok?

The Disney trip was wonderful. We ALL had a great time. Yes he shows affection when we are together. He holds my hand, it was just like still being together at Disney. He spent the night at my house when we got back and then again last night. When I left for work this morning, he told me that he loves me. I know that he would like to come back, but he doesn't feel that he can trust me not to hit him ever again. I would never do that again. But getting him to trust me might be the hurdle that he can not get over. So only time will tell. I am willing to hang in there for a while though. And I like to get other people's opinions, but I do believe that since he still says he loves me and does show affection in public too, that there is still enough there to hang on to.

Laura,<BR>I'm new here and I stumbled across your thread. Your husband sounds like he really loves you and cares about you. Have you shared with him what you have found in this website and the messages you have written? I realize that writing here is like writing in a diary (that can reply :-) but maybe if he could see this he would understand you better. You would be making yourself vulnerable to him by opening yourself to him honestly but it may give you both the chance you need to move in the right direction if you want to be back together (and it sounds like you do). Don't be afraid to show him you love him. Give what you want to give him, happily and without regrets. You may regret never "giving in" to your feelings and love if things don't work out. If he walks away after all of it, then at least you can say that you gave him all your love and honesty, and gave your marriage all that it deserves. Be strong enough not to hurt him if he does give you the chance to show him how much he means to you. He's still there and he still wants to be with you for many reasons but you can't keep waiting it out like this and think it will work. Throw him a line (give him a chance) and be the first one to make the brave step forward at building your marriage back. Ask for a date, a weekend for two. Maybe then you'll be able to decide if what you are feeling is really still love or maybe just fear of not having someone to love. I bet it's still love for your husband. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope I don't offend you with my thoughts. I'm just hoping you don't miss your chance. Take care and be strong. You can do anything and remember that his first reaction may be fear of getting hurt. If you show him what you've written here, that may alleviate some of those fears and give him trust in you and your intentions. Good luck!

Sorry, but seeing this thread would just piss him off. He thinks our problems are no one's business !! That is why I come here to talk. I actually met someone on this board from NY and talk to her on the phone. But I don't think him seeing this board would make any difference at all. He knows how much I still love him and want him to come home. I don't beg him or ask him anymore though. I think he will make a decision sooner or later, but I think when we are not together, that I need to leave him alone and not ask all kinds of questions about his life and what he is doing. So far he hasn't been with anyone else, but I do realize that the longer this goes on...the more that is a possibility. I still believe there is hope, but like I've said....to avoid too much pain, I refuse to focus on that. I have to live my life like he isn't coming back. If God somehow works this out and he does come back..then great. But if he doesn't come back, I have to know that I can do this without him. I can, but it is hard and sad.

Maybe I haven't read all of the details of your situation, but it seems to me that if your husband really wanted your marriage to work out, he would be willing to go to marriage counseling with you. You seem to have no real communication about the problems you two had in the marriage - all of your encounters are shrouded by sex, trying to please the children and threats of leaving if even the slightest thing goes bad. The fact that you have lied about finances and have been physically abusive means that you have an opportunity to give your husband tangible proof that you are making real changes in your life. I haven't read anything from you that would show you have made any great strides to change your personality; maybe this isn't the forum for that. I don't think that your husband feels that you have changed THAT much - I mean you physically attacked a total stranger for being in your husbands residence. . .your physical abuse was one of the reasons he left in the first place and you have, in one incident, shown that you still haven't learned to control yourself. Your best bet is to take the initiative and seek out some serious counsel - I would also suggest that you contact a paralegal if you are unable to afford and attorney and file for a legal separation and set some real guidelines as to when he sees the children. You think that divorce screws kids up? Wait til you see what they say to you in 10 years about the past 6 months and what emotional upheaval they have been enduring because of you and your husband. I really wish you the best.

Maybe you haven't read it all. And you have no right to judge whether or not I can change. I have changed a tremdous amount thanks to God. And yes I made amistake by going over to my husband's apt., but there are a lot of women who would have freaked at finding a gal in the closet. That isn't about my personality, that was immediate reaction. Yes, now I wish I had just walked away, but I can't change what happened and my husband has forgiven the incident. And he also has been spending more time with us. But I know that doesn't mean he will come back, but I can always pray and hope, no one can take that away from me. <P>I am signing up for an anger management class. It is suppose to be a great class. I do go to counseling. She is the one who recommended the class.<p>[This message has been edited by Laura W. (edited August 20, 1999).]