Hi Laura, Just thought I would pop in and see how things are for you. Better I hope. I see you signed up for anger management. Let me know how it goes, as I wish my husband were in it, too. Write again soon..

The anger management class doesn't start until October 14th. I am looking forward to it. I can't tell anyone how much peace God himself has given me. I feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted from my heart. Yes, I still want Robert to come home, but I know with the Lord's help even if he doesn't, I will be okay. But I pray for him and for God to guide and lead him back to his family.

Dear Laura,<P>I have been reading this thread with a lot of interest, because while so different from my situation, the feelings that you have been describing are so similar to what I'm feeling now. (For my story, see "Attention Vs. Love" on the Emotional Needs board, my post is about halfway-down on the thread)<P>I guess I don't really know how you got to the point in your life that you're at now because you haven't mentioned it in this thread (I assume it has something to do with an OM or OW?), and fortunately, neither my husband nor I have come to that point yet.<P>However, we do have some severe problems, and every day I go from wondering how I'm going to make it to the next day, to loving him so much that it's breaking my heart. I want to leave, but I don't have the strength or courage, because even though I'd be okay financially, I don't know what I would do without him. Also further complicated by the fact we have a daughter, and I don't want her to grow up in a broken home.<P>But my question is, how do you deal with all these feelings? And how do you keep it from affecting your relationship with your children? Are you finding yourself taking it out on them sometimes? (I have a tendency to get irritated at the baby, not for anything she's done, but because I feel so awful, and then I feel terrible about that.) One day, things are great and I'm happy and optimistic about the future, the next, life as I know it is about to end.<P>We have started counseling, and I'm beginning to wonder: even if it is successful, how am I am going to get rid of this anger and resentment towards him, so that I can forgive him for all the crap he unknowingly is putting me through (that makes it harder: half the stuff he's doing he's not aware of, so how can I really be angry at him...?), and put the past behind us, and go back to being happy again?<P>Am I making any sense at all? Although our situations are different, I had a feeling you might understand...<P>Thanks for listening.

Well fortunately I can say there is no other woman, YET. But I can tell you I resent my husband for leaving instead of sticking it out and trying one last time. I can go on like this for a while, but there will come a day that he will have to make a decision in what he wants. Check out the books that Dr. Harley recommends, they ARE good.

Just thought I would check in and let everyone know that I am still hanging in there. With God's help I have gained peace with my situation. My husband still won't say that he's coming home. But he has been spending more time around the house and he even took some more vacation time to go with me to Wilmington, NC to see the Blue Angels Airshow. I only asked him about it once and let it go and figured if he was suppose to go, God would let it happen. Well, weeks later he has told me that he would like to go. I really miss being with him on a daily basis, and I do pray everyday that he is around me... that God will touch his heart through my changes and will let him realize my changes are permanent whether or not he returns. I love him and want him to come home to his family and I have faith the God can bring him home if I don't give up.

Laura,<P>It's good to hear from you, and I'm glad to see that you've gained some inner peace. It also appears that your husband might be softening a bit---nice news there, too!<P>

Hello Laura, I am glad to hear that you are doing better. I havent been here for a while...and have been so depressed lately, I havent been much good company, or help to anyone. Anyway, keep posting, and I will check in again. Take care!!!

Hi guys,<P>Mixed feeling eh? I get them every day. I feel like I am on the right track and then my emotions go awarl and thats it. <P>I made a commitment to meet some goals to change my life but I fell down last night.<BR>One of my goals is not to get so annoyed when my husband calls me names to wind me up. e.g<BR>fatty pass me some milk. I get annoyed and tell him I'm not fat. He laughs and this gets me mad. I've asked him why he winds me up and he says it fun. <P>I told him last night it isn't. I turned over and ignored him until morning.<P>My goal was to take a deep breath and be say ha, ha, in my mind to make me feel better and change my emotion. Then to say to myself your okay.<P>Last night though I flipped. He called me a Fat c*unt don't steal the covers, he uses this word about everyone and everything lately so the word c*unt isn't meant to be offensive just his volucabulary. I said I'm not a fat c*unt, he said are are, I said why do you call me a fat c*nt I am trying to loose weight. He said oh stop being mard. I was fuming. Mard, I said, what if I kept calling you. He said go a head. <P>I wish he'd get the message he is driving me nuts. But him and family and friends think I take things too seriously. <P>Please don't tell me to leave him, this is no help. I want solutions which might help to repair my marriage. I've had counsellors telling me t leave, but this isn't what I want. May be your think I deserve this treatment then. I don't think I do. <P>I need to vent. I want to scream. Is there an answer out there? Has anyone else found a way to deal with this sort of thing?<P>Theressa

Theressa, I know you've heard or thought of this already but you are feeding your husband's problem. You said yourself that he wants to rile you, so that is what you can't let him do. I know, easy to say not to do! But you see that that is where he gets his jollies (I agree that that is sick) but you're hurting and he's not listening. Take away his fun and don't show anger or hurt when he says that. What do you think his reponse would have been when he told you to not steel the covers and you said "ok, sorry" ? Remember, don't be the whipping boy. Don't let him take out his obvious frustration and anger on you. Maybe not rising to the bait will make him look elsewhere for satisfaction and leave you alone. <P>I read a book awhile ago, Dr. Wheat's "Love Life". A very Biblical based marriage book. In it was a case where this wife's husband liked to mistreat her in public (verbally). She finally adapted by knowing that Jesus loved her even when her husband said she was unlovable. She visualized being with Jesus and held herself with pride and self confidence. And her husband has noticed and things have improved.<P>I imagine with your husbands continual assaults your own self esteem must be pretty low. You need to work on that. Do things for yourself. Make yourself feel good about yourself. Cultivate friends and support. Do you have family nearby? I'm not suggesting telling anyone your problems, but find someone who will support you no matter what. Go out and have some fun. Make yourself someone that's fun to be with.<P>Remember God loves you and is with you always. You can always talk to Him. <P>God's love and peace be with you,<BR>Tina

Tina,<P>This really helps, I've posted this post in emotional needs and I told the guys there I'd start to ignore him. I am glad that you have supported me in this.<P>Thanks so much.<BR>Theressa

Theresa, I am new here, this is my first comment. I don't know the details of your situation, except that your husband calls you names and doesn't respect you enough to listen to your requests for him to stop. <P>You need to do more than just ignore his name calling. I don't mean, yell and scream and cry. But don't just ignore him. Calmly and pleasantly tell him (just like you would a young child if you were his teacher) that he is not being very nice and you don't like his name calling. Then leave the room! Go where he cannot follow. If you just ignore him but stay there, his insults will continue, and probably get worse. <P>I don't know if you have anywhere you can go and stay overnight if necessary, but if you do have a place, use it. You need to make the consequence for hurting you undesirable enough to him so that he prefers being nice to you. If he can't get you riled (because you leave without giving him the chance) he'll get tired of the game. Especially if it means no sex tonight because he ran you out of the house by being a jerk.<P>The reason you should leave is because it is extremely difficult to ignore mean behavior. And you are way out of practice. He can't insult you if you aren't there. If you are there and ignore the first comment, he'll try another and another until you crack. And don't listen to those who say you should acknowledge a don't steal the covers c*** with an I'm sorry. That is exactly the reaction he wants. It's the same reaction as crying, or getting angry. It says 'deep down I know your right. I am a c***. or I am fat.' Saying I don't appreciate your mean comment and leaving the room says I don't agree with you and I won't stand here and let you abuse me.<BR>This doesn't mean you have to divorce him. Unless of course he never stops, and everytime you walk back in the door he insults you all over again. If that becomes the case it means he really doesn't love you or like you and you shouldn't possibly want to be with someone that doesn't love you.<P>My husband loves me, I know that is true, but he can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. I just discovered this sight and I hope it can help our marriage. Whenever we have had a big blow up in the past afterwards he admits that he is hurtful and claims he doesn't mean to be that way, but we've never been able to find a solution. So on one hand I think he wants to change his behavior and will with some help. Hopefully this is the help we need.<P>For the past two years I have ignored his mean comments. They just keep coming. My silence says the same thing as your anger. That I deserved the insult. So take it from experience, simply ignoring it doesn't work.<P>------------------<BR>

Laura, I read your profile and your comments in this post. <BR>I don't have all the history, I am sure, but personally, I think your H is enjoying having his cake and eating it too. He gets to do whatever he wants when he wants, spend time with you and the kids on his own schedule, and he's even been able to get you into bed at times. First he says he most likely won't come back and then he acts like he will. He's dragging you along on a roller coaster ride. <BR>I understand you lied to him about money. But unless you cheated on him that doesn't sound like enough reason for him to act like this. He knows you want him back very badly. And he's using that to get whatever he wants. Since you have children, it makes it hard to completely separate with absolutely no contact. But it can be done. Make someone else be a go between. If he has questions about the kids medical needs, he calls the go between and the go between calls you. That way he can't keep you on the phone to say other stuff. Tell him you are giving him his space, and if and when he decides he wants to come back permanently he can. But that until then, there will be NO contact. Not even over the phone. Even if you did the lying, you have a right to your own peace. He can't play games if you aren't there to play with him. Also, why did you lie? When I choose to lie to someone, it is because I am afraid of their reaction to the truth. If this is the case with you, then maybe he should be looking at the reaction you were afraid of. If you lied because he would have blown up at you over the truth, then he needs to look at his behavior. Obviously, he gets overly pissed pretty easily. <P>From what I hear you saying, he is NOT playing FAIR here at all.

TraLyn,<P>Thank you for replying to my post. I have tried as the others have said to ignore him. You are right, it does no good because eventually you crack. Shouting back ends up in a arguement. And saying how I feel just makes me more vulnerable. I have left the room on occassions this stops the insults but what I am most confussed about is what I should do with my anger.<P>I become so angry and I will say, why did you call me that name. I just can't help myself, I want to make him feel guilty. I know you are going to tell me he doesn't and I know this also but it is damn hard not to show your anger.<P>What do you think I could do with my anger as supressing obviously doesn't help?<P>Thanks again, it is good to know that I can call on you for insight. I am also sorry that you are going through this to.<P>Theressa

Hi TraLyn,<P>I was told about a very useful site the other day and maybe you might be interested in it.<P>http://www.drirene.com<P>The site is for victims and abusers, it helped me alot. Thanks for all of your help.<P>Theressa<BR>

Theresa,<P>Thanks, I'll have to check out that site. As for your anger, Yes, you need to release it, but not at him. I suggest going for a walk, or a run. Even better is if you have a friend that can go with and listen to you rant and rave about him. The physical excersize releases the built up tension in your muscles, the ranting and raving releases the built up emotional tension. I take TaeKwonDo classes. Also, physical excersize causes your body to release hormones that make you feel good. <P>You also have to accept that you can only help yourself. you cannot make him change. He has to want to. If he sees that you won't tolerate or hang around for his insults, he'll have to decide what he's going to do about it. Either he'll want to change his behavior because he loves you and wants you around, or he'll leave you because he doesn't love you and never did love you. I know that hurts and right now you want him to stay, but a one sided relationship is always lousy. If he doesn't love you, then he's just wasting all the time that you could be spending with someone who does love you. Remember, YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU! and they DO exist. But my guess is that he loves you and will change when he realizes that his current behavior won't work. Anyway, try walking, or jumping rope, or punching a pillow. Just don't do it in front of him.<P>Hang in there!<P>TraLyn

TraLyn,<P>I wanted to update you on my progress. I've been reading divorce busting by Michele Weiner-Davis it has some great tips. One suggestions was to do a 180, do the opposite of what's not been working. <BR>As I've said I tried telling my husband insults hurt, I've tried walking away, I tried the works. I decided I was going to positive self talk me, work on my self esteem. I devised a plan. Dr Irene suggest telling yourself that "I am not getting engage or defending myself, I am okay and it is just his attempt to engage me". <BR>Then I will visit the bathroom take a few deep breaths. <BR>This is working, in the last week no names, he started criticising how I did things, again I did what Dr Irene suggested and followed my plan. It worked, he gave up criticising me. I am feel more secure about me now I have read Dr Irene's power page and her site. Before I thought may be its about me. Now I know its about him, its easier to ignore him. When my daughter who is five years old has a tantrum we ignore her. So I am doing the same with him. <P>I am more optimistic now, I have a lovely family and friends and a good job. I have lots of things in my life which are good. He can't take them away from me. My mum and family and friend love me just the way I am. So why should I be any one else.<P>A friend off the Divorce busting site is mailing me a copy of "The abused woman". I am going to read it when I receive it. I am working very hard now at not be co-dependent.<P>I'll keep you posted. Hope things are going well for you.<P>The anger well since I don't get engage or take on board his rubish, I've not had any anger.<P>Theressa

Trayln,<P>I've been venting on the divorce board and asking for advice and working on solutions, which is I realise where my personal power is. This has really helped.<P>How are you?<P>Theressa