I discovered this summer that my girlfriend had an affair while away on an internship. Well actually she had two one night stands.<BR>I only know this because I found an e-mail that she had sent to one of her female friends giving all the details.<BR>I did not confront her when I discovered the message. Instead I let enough context clues build up that I eventually had a leg to stand on when I asked her if anything happened while she was away. She addmitted to only one affair and refused to discuss it further. She is affraid that if she opens up to me as even a friend and shares her personal most thoughts and feelings that I will some how use them against her.<P>I am tired of the lying.<P>I think I should sit down with her and as calmly and rationaly talk to her about how trust is so critical to me in rebuildign things and if she builds lie upon lie then I can not trust her and she will not communicate to me. Along those lines I think I should then produce the message and confront her to the degree of saying I know you have been lying for some time now. Now that I know every thing can you STOP lying to me.<P>Any thoughts as to whether or not playing my trump card (showing her the e-mail) would be a mistake or a good thing?

Give her the chance to come clean first, and if she doesn't, show her the mail. Let her know that you want to get past this and you need honesty from her in order to move on. Like you said, do it in a calm, non-threatening manner and whatever you do, don't lose it when she admits things. This will only serve to make her shut down or cover up. You have to make it safe for her to confess these things.<P>If she doesn't admit it, do show her the evidence. And do as I did, search the PC for as much info as you can get before you sit down with her.<P>Good luck, I know how hard this can be. I went through the same thing without knowing ANYTHING of MB and I lovebusted like crazy. I ranted and raved and it only made it harder to get the truth.<P>Stay calm!

Dear John:<BR>Good idea! A relationship should be based on trust and communication. If she is lying and is not coming clean, you need to do what you posted. Her hiding or lying about the truth makes one think what else is she lying about. Besides, is that acceptable to you that she has had 2 one-night stands? These are ones that you found out about? What about the ones you didn't? She wasn't even going to tell you about these. Maybe one-night stand (which that's not o.k. either) but 2? Maybe more? You really need to make a decision on what kind of relationship you want to have with her or anybody else and stand by those personal rules. I, personally, if it was my boyfriend, would not stick around if he is not honest enough to tell me. But then again, I've had boyfriends who cheated on me once..and I was out the door. I did not deserve that and neither do you.

Katya is right. Before you go through the inevitable pain of this confrontation you need to decide what you want. If you want to continue or more to the point rebuild this relationship think very carefully. She has demonstrated a pattern of dishonesty. This is not a good foundation for a lasting relationship.<P>A possible approach might be to tell her that you have not been completely honest with her about something in hopes that she would finally tell the truth. Tell her you realize that that was wrong so go ahead and show here the note. <P>A couple of things could happen here. She could break down, confess and apologize. With this response there is hope. I would recommend that you both do extensive reading of Dr. Harleys books. Do it together.<P>Another possiblility is that she will get hostile. She will scold you for invading her privacy, not trusting her...If this is what happens run like the wind from this person. Count yourself lucky to have found out the truth about her before you committed to her for a lifetime and before children entered the picture. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited November 10, 1999).]

Dear Mudder:<BR>Are you following me? (hee, hee, hee, I'm just kidding). No, but really John, we all need to be a trusting relationship. If you don't have one, you cannot build, like Mudder said. You need a strong foundation for your building (relationship) to stand. If your foundation (the start) is already weak, your building (relationship) will crumble.