We have been married for the past 8 years and are basically happy except for our differences in what we believe is the parents role in raising children. My husband believes that his responsibility is pretty much over at 18 and the children should then become completely self-sufficient, as he was at that age. This means that they should not live at home and should pay all their expenses including college. I, on the other hand, believe that a parent's role is to help the children get a college education so they will not begin life with huge student loans to pay back. We are so far apart on this it has caused a great deal of anger and resentment in our marriage. Unfortunately, this was not a subject that was discussed before marriage. I believe in a traditional godly marriage where the wife and husband become one in a marriage. We have all our finances together and I want to be able to honor his decisions. But it is so hard because I believe he is wrong. I feel like I am failing my child that I have tried so hard to take care of. (I raised him by myself until he was 12 and I married my present husband) I don't want to outright defy my husbands wishes, but I constantly feel like I have to choose between them and it is tearing me apart inside. Help!

I don't know if I'll be much help; my SO and I chose NOT to marry for this very reason (he has full custody of his kids, I have none, and we vehemently disagree about child rearing practices); we knew our marriage would be endless conflict that would tear us apart, so opted to maintain the status quo until they're grown and gone (like you and your spouse, I suspect we may have diffent ideas about when THAT should be, too!). I just know that we tried to "blend" for years, and it's almost impossible, even under the best of circumstances, so I feel for you. The only hope is to compromise for the sake of your marriage, but that's easier said than done. I don't know that we made the right choice by not marrying (we're having our problems now), but we knew the step-thing would sink us for sure. As I said, this isn't helpful, but I empathize. Good luck with it!

The Policy of Joint will guide you through this conflict. If your are unable to come to an enthusiastic agreement then you should do nothing until an agreement can be reached. You have every right to discuss your point of view with your husband, but in way that is non-judgmental. When you prioritize other things over your husbands feelings it is a step toward marital disaster.<BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

I'd like to address an issue in Scott's post: he said to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (and I totally agree with him there) but then he said if that's not possible, to do nothing until it is possible. I don't think that doing nothing is an option for you, only because you indicated you married your H when your son was 12, and since you've been married for 8 years that means your son is now 20. You can either help your son financially past the age of 18 or not, but right now you are doing one or the other and it's not a decision you can delay.<P>I also agree with Scott that your husband's feelings should have high priority, but by the same token, prioritizing something - even your H - over what you see as your "job" as a mother will only cause you to build up a great deal of bitterness toward your H. <P>I hope this doesn't offend you, but I think your H needs counseling. I suspect he may have had an unsatisfactory relationship with his own parents (unless he was on his own at 18 for other reasons, such as financially strapped parents or their early demise). If the relationship was rocky, perhaps the difficulty he had with parental bonding as a child is being replayed now that he's in the parent role.<P>I hope this helps, and I wish you the best of luck. For what it's worth, if I were you, I'd do what I felt I had to as a mother, and deal with your H as lovingly as possible while standing by the committment you feel to your son. Just as you have a duty to honor your H, he has a duty to honor you. God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves His church. Christ died for His church. <P>You'll be in my prayers.

Just a technical point. <P>If your son is only 20 years old and living on his own, it should not be difficult for him to qualify for financial aid. The only way that he might not qualify is if you and your husband are claiming him as a dependent. <P>I would suggest that you and your son go to a local community college and speak to the financial aid officer. They are usually very helpful.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John