I just recently confessed to my husband about an affair I had with a coworker of mine. Although I knew telling him would cause our marriage great distress, I realized the importance of his knowing, with the hope that we would be able to work it out. My guilt was eating me alive, and the pain I was causing him was doing the same. It's been about 6 weeks now since I have told him, and he has gone through many stages of emotion (Shock, Frustration, Anger, and Despair). However, the underlying issue seems to be focused more on his beleif that I am still lying about the details of my affair. He is willing to work on everything, he wants us to have a better marriage than we have had, he wants us to be happy and best friends, but he doesn't feel that we can attain any of those things in our lives until he has closure on the affair. <P>I do have a great history of lying, and telling my husband about my affair was not only an effort to make him aware so that we could fix things, but also an effort for me to change my horrible habit of lying and to become a better person. However, because of my history of lies, my husband has sheer disbelief that I want to tell him the truth, that I am willing to make such a dramatic change overnight.<P>The issue is this. I had an affair with a man 10 years older than myself who is also married with two children. My husband & I have only been married for a year and a half with no children. My affair began during the course of planning our wedding which I beleived was cold feet, one last fling before we said "I do". I had never had a serious realationship except that with my husband, which was 6 years before we got married. After we were married though, the physical aspect of the affair continued for two months and then ended, and then continuation of keeping a close emotional affair ended about 10 months after the initial start of the affair. My husband is having a very difficult time for a number of reasons, one being that he feels getting married should have been the happiest time of our lives, and to jepordize my happiness for an affair at that time hurts him tremendously. However, we have been embarking upon the reasons for the timing as well as the contributing reasons I decided to have the affair, and we are making progress in those areas. The largest issue at hand is that the person whom I had an affair with and I only had sexual intercourse on 2 occasions. My husband is having a very difficult time in believing this because he feels that over the course of a year twice is not acceptable, there was much given opportunity, it had to have happened more.<P>My side of the issue is that although we discussed have intercourse again and again, it never happened for a number of reasons. I would always feel too guilty to consent, and I feared my husband discovering the affair and had my lover fearing the same. Reason being my husband would frequently bring up the topic that he suspected something and would continually mention his following me.<P>My biggest problem now is that I feel greatly compelled to lie to him and tell him that we did have intercourse on a regular basis, just to save my marriage so that he will have the closure that he is seeking. Yet, on the other hand I am really telling him the truth on this matter and have answered all of the detailed questions he has asked honestly. I fear if I lie to make him feel better, I am hurting myself from changing my old horrible tendencies, and I would hurt our new found relationship by begininning it with a lie. How do I make him believe me so that we can move on. The more this lingers, the more resentment he is building up. We are having progress, yet the progress is shot down at least once a day by this. My feeling is that if he continues to see the good and honest person that I am trying to become and stops dwelling on details of the affair, working on rebuilding our relationship, then he will eventually beleive me even if he doesn't forgive me.<P>What are your thoughts?

Don't lie.<P>I don't know if you have been to the infidelity board but that might be the best place for support for you.

Have you considered looking in the yellow pages for someone who can polygraph you? It shouldn't cost all that much. Why affix blame when you can fix the problem?

I know exactly how your husband feels. Details of the affair are very important shortly after he has been told of the affair. It may be a male thing, but we need to know what went on because our ego and stature has been violently ripped away from us. We need to know that we are better in bed than the OM and that is probably why your husband does not believe that you only had sex twice.<P>When my wife told me of her affairs prior to our marriage, I could not believe her that she only had sexual intercourse four times. It must have been more times than that I would think to myself because I enjoy sex on a regular basis. Women, though, do not for the most part have the same sexual drive as that of a man.<P>You may want to allow your husband to read your post. Having the courage to post your concerns on this site does show the truth behind your words. Though I can't condone your actions, I think that you made the correct decision in informing your husband of the affair. Good luck.

JSG - Thanks for the input. I just am at a lose of what to do. My husband also has some issues with lying, and over the past 6 weeks we have communicated better than we ever have. Things will be going great and then all of the sudden he hates me and isn't sure if we should work it out. From what I am reading, this seems to be normal behavior. I feel so horribly for what I have done, what kind of person I allowed myself to become. I deal with hating myself everyday, however, if my husband and I are having a good day, I won't tell him that I am saddened by mistakes, because in some ways I want to keep moving forward. He has said that I only tell him that I only show remorse when he is in an angry state. Do you have any words of advice in trying to react to his bad days. I want to be there for him, although I don't know the extent of his pain, I completly understand how devestating this is to him, because the fact that I did it is devestating to me. I love him so much and I want nothing more than for us to have an incredible marriage and friendship. He is so wonderfully being understanding and showing me that he wants us to work. What is it that finally made you beleive your wife about the sexual aspect of her affair? From my perspective, the affair was definetly more emotionally fulfilling. I thrived on the attention I was receiving from the OM. I hate that I felt that way. On the same note though, although I did want to pursue it sexually, the guilt that followed was horrifying. We talked about doing it more, but I think that was my way of keeping the attention coming. Nothing ever came of it. When I tell my H these things, he tells me that he understands my side, but there is no way any man would stick around giving attention to someone who wasn't satisfying their sexual needs. Any comments on that? <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jsg:<BR><B>I know exactly how your husband feels. Details of the affair are very important shortly after he has been told of the affair. It may be a male thing, but we need to know what went on because our ego and stature has been violently ripped away from us. We need to know that we are better in bed than the OM and that is probably why your husband does not believe that you only had sex twice.<P>When my wife told me of her affairs prior to our marriage, I could not believe her that she only had sexual intercourse four times. It must have been more times than that I would think to myself because I enjoy sex on a regular basis. Women, though, do not for the most part have the same sexual drive as that of a man.<P>You may want to allow your husband to read your post. Having the courage to post your concerns on this site does show the truth behind your words. Though I can't condone your actions, I think that you made the correct decision in informing your husband of the affair. Good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I believe that the suggestion of having a<BR>polograph test makes a lot of sense to me and <BR>it should prove to your husband that you are<BR>telling the truth. I would like to say that I<BR>think that you also have a wonderful husband.<BR>I simply could not imagine knowing that my new bride was having an affair right before the marriage and immediately after the marriage and who also who has a history of lying. I do believe that most men would have left you immediately just to maintain their sanity. I think you have a very special man to want to continue having a marriage with you. I hope you seek a therapist to understand why you would have wanted to put your husband through this.

Bryan P<BR>I know that I have agood husband, he is a great guy. The problem is that he never let me know it until now. He has opened up to me about many events and things that have happened in his life that I never knew. We never had a great feeling of trust or communication. We have been together since we were in High School, and we got married last year younger than most. We lived together right out of High School and got married 4 years after graduating. I have always felt that I loved my husband and I did want to marry him, yet at the same time I never felt loved from him. He is an enraged anger person. Whenever even a small arguement arises he is breaking things that have special meaning to me or calling me terrible names. I often walk away from every arguement that we have had never forgetting some comment that he made. Now, though I realize as is he that he is capable of being a loving person and showing that to me. With the help of our marriage councilor whom we have been seeing within the first week of d-day, we have been able to unveil many issues that have been disturbing to us and have contributed to our many problems. The reason why we did stay together is because we felt as if we couldn't live w/o one another. We were never compatable, mostly because we never truly got to know and understand each other the way we are now.<P>The only issue that is bothering me now is my husbands drinking problem. Our councilor has advised us both that staying away from alcohol now is a wise choice, especially due to my husbands angry history. My husband is not listening though. He drinks several drinks each night waiting for me to finish work as we commute together. The day could be incredibly great, but the car ride home is always miserable. He often puts our lives in danger by literally driving at 80-100mph and weaving in and out of traffic. Demanding the truth from me. In addition, he keeps telling me about this bartender friend that he has been carrying on in conversation with. This past Friday, I went to pick him up and he was sitting there having dinner with her. In our rational and calmer moments, my husband displays complete understanding and tells me of his deep feeling for our love growing and pulling through this. We've even discussed renewing our vows because of the circumstances and the affair taking place when it did. However, when he is drinking he hates me and wants deeply to seek revenge upon me. I do know that he will experience anger, but should I be telling him of my anger about his behavior when he is drinking or just let it slide because he is dealing with horrible and hurtful emotions right now?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>I believe that the suggestion of having a<BR>polograph test makes a lot of sense to me and <BR>it should prove to your husband that you are<BR>telling the truth. I would like to say that I<BR>think that you also have a wonderful husband.<BR>I simply could not imagine knowing that my new bride was having an affair right before the marriage and immediately after the marriage and who also who has a history of lying. I do believe that most men would have left you immediately just to maintain their sanity. I think you have a very special man to want to continue having a marriage with you. I hope you seek a therapist to understand why you would have wanted to put your husband through this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thank you for providing more information.<BR>Clearly now the problem is with your husband.<BR>He needs anger management. I am fearful that in the future the things he throws against the wall may be you. The drinking problem sounds very very serious. The fact that he is drinking and driving on the highway putting your life in danger is unacceptable. Your life is at stake here. Anger and his drinking <BR>problem do not mix. You say that you cannot live without each other. It sounds like you may not live at all if you stay with him and he does not get help for his drinking and his anger. Your life is too precious to let him put it in such jeopardy. Either he seeks help for his problems or you should think about moving on and saving yourself. Good luck.