I get so angry now, I used to just get hurt, but I have begged my husband to share with me details about our business and financial affairs and other important issues that I just happen to stumble across in daily living. We are self employed and run 3 businesses, it was necessary for me to have financial info as of Dec 2000. When I called the bank to get it, they said ,"Oh, but your not on the account....blah,blah,blah....Had this same scenario not happened for at least 5 times, I could have brushed it off, but I got mad angry. I asked my husband when he came home, why doesn't he feel the need to consel me, share with me, confer with me those decisions that impact our life. He does this in other areas too, like deciding to do things and not tell me, like committing us to long term business ventures, debt, of course I may add, he is the business man and mathmetician, but only so because I get sketchy details and not given the full picture. If I had all the facts, I feel certain that I could intelligently discuss these issues. What gets me is that he refuses to let me in on stuff that affects me and our life and our children's lives and doesn't understand the commotion. It really is affecting my feelings about him and the intimate connection we have. Am i too stupid to understand, don't I have a right to my 2 cents worth or will I raise an objection that might kill the deal ? I wouldn't dare make a decision that could affect my family in any way without conferring with them, of course that never happens, cause he makes all them for us. If we're not linked by our future goals and dreams together, then are we really connected, I don't feel like it......and nothing will get him to see that. I really feel alienated. bigsal

Let me tell you what I did (and am still doing). <P>I have a business. It has accounting and bookkeeping needs. At one time, the accounting and bookkeeping were well taken care of.<P>Then I fell behind. And stayed that way. <P>It was an issue with my wife. <P>My <I>Quicken</I> for personal accounts stayed well-handled ... I could track it all easily. <P>But on the business side it was a mess, and it remains so to this day. <P>Once I lost control, I lost the ability to talk intelligently with my wife about it. I could let her see bank statements, but I couldn't give her a good picture. A profit and loss statement. A balance sheet. Something she could understand. <P>On the Quicken side, a lot of the paperwork it produced was unintelligible to her too. What I had to do was just copy all the Quicken files over to her notebook computer, where she could run the program and actually <I>see</I> what was going on. <P>From his point of view, you are unreasonably demanding regarding knowing <I>every</I> aspect of the finances.<P>If he's lost the ability to track every detail, he's likely ashamed and/or guilty about that, and unwilling to admit the extent of it to you.<P>In hindsight, I should have been more forthcoming about what was happening, and asked her to work with me to create and monitor a plan to restore sanity to my financial affairs (which remain just orderly enough to keep the wolf from the door). <P>In hindsight, <I>she</I> should have been more accepting of my foibles, and made it as painless as possible when we communicated about money. <P>Nietzsche said "<I>If we train our conscience, it kisses us while it hurts us.</I>"<BR>

Thank you for your comments, but I think you've missed the dilemma somehow. My husband won't talk to me about not only our finances, but virtually anything regarding our future, our present. I feel as if I don't exist that I'm a ghost in my own house. If I ask him to talk to me about it, he gets angry, and acts as if I'm prying or "why do I want to know". To that question, gee I just do, I have a vested interest here in our future and feel like we should discuss these kinds things prior to making any decisions or don't you even want my input. Me, I'm scared of things I don't know and when someone doesn't give me the whole picture,I wonder why they want to hide something. I'm sorry I'm just at a loss of words to try and describe the situation, seems so inconsequential when I read the other posts. I've had many crisis in my marriage and I guess I'm just braced for the other shoe to drop.<BR>

Once he shuts down communication in one area he's going to shut down a lot more easily in others--the finances have tendrils leading to every aspect of your lives--or thought of differently, they are the skeleton that supports them. <P>Realize: This is not about you. This is not about hating you, or wanting you to be shut out. He would <I>dearly love</I> to be understood. There is a wall of shame, fear, guilt, confusion, etc. standing between him and communicating all this stuff to you. <P>There may be depression involved. He <I>can't</I> give you what you're craving right now. Not because he doesn't want you to have it, but because he lacks the skills, is afraid to plan anything for fear it won't turn out that way or will fall a little short, etc. <P>You two need to be in therapy about this. My guess is that he would jump at the chance if you presented it correctly. You might also look at Suze Orman tapes together, or attend a financial planning seminar as a prelude or entre to the proecess, perhaps even to let him pick up a few pointers.<P>If you approach from the angle of: "You're hiding stuf from me. I want to see it all. Now!--and if I find <I>one</I> decimal out of place, it's divorce court for you buddy!" Does that sound more like a loving wife or the <I>Gestapo</I>. Obviously, you are not using that harsh a tone. But through his filter, that is <I>exactly</I> what he is hearing.<P>If you're not like that now, in time you certainly will be. <P>In order to stop being in his face about it, perhaps you can try taking the sting out of it by writing him a very loving letter explaining what your needs are, what you surmise is his need for the apparent secrecy, where you would like to be in your life in this regard, and asking him to help you figure out how to get there ... and ask him what he thinks the easiest first step for him to take would be. <P>Good luck.