Lifeman,<P>I'd suggest that you start learning some marriage skills. If you haven't done this yet, check out the MB site. Read the Concepts, the Q&A section, and the Articles (on the Homepage). If the MB philosophy makes sense to you, I'd then suggest that you order a few of the books available on from the bookstore here.<P>1. Give and Take. This book is a great overview of Lovebusters and Emotional Needs, but it centers around the Policy of Joint Agreement and how to safely negotiate with your spouse. It's not so much WHAT you do with your step son---it's that your wife and you agree on the plan. If you can set up an enthusiastic agreement to use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior---GREAT! If you and your wife come to an enthusiastic agreement to hang him in a burlap sack and beat him with reeds---well, that's OK too.
It's important that your wife and you communicate together well, and make plans that take each other's feelings into account.<P>2. Lovebusters (the book). Read about these behaviors that destroy a marriage and then eliminate them.<P>3. His Needs/Her Needs. Read about emotional needs. Try to assess your wife's most important needs, and then make a plan to meet them, consistantly, in the way that she wants them met.<P>It'd be great if your wife would join you in reading and working through the material. But even if she doesn't, you need to do this on your own. Your best choice would be to make positive changes in your behavior, and watch how that influences your wife, your stepson, and your son.