Guess what? I have a conflict!<P>I have a 9 yearold step son that is acting like...I guess a 9 year old. He's begining to talk back, smart off, lie, school work slipping, having to be told the same things over and over again every single day and it is driving me totally nuts. I'm about to snap. And as you can imagine, it is creating problems between my wife and I. She and I are having other problems also. i don't feel like she does enough or cares about things around our new home. It's a sty and I can't tolerate it. I decide to leave things as they are for as long as I can thinking they'll change, but they don't and I end up doing everything.<P>She and I have a 10 month old son and have been married for 2 years now - this is both our second marriage. <P>i don't know what to do. I am tired of fight with her and tired of battling the step son for seems to be total ineptness on his part. <P>What can I do?

Lifeman,<P>I'd suggest that you start learning some marriage skills. If you haven't done this yet, check out the MB site. Read the Concepts, the Q&A section, and the Articles (on the Homepage). If the MB philosophy makes sense to you, I'd then suggest that you order a few of the books available on from the bookstore here.<P>1. Give and Take. This book is a great overview of Lovebusters and Emotional Needs, but it centers around the Policy of Joint Agreement and how to safely negotiate with your spouse. It's not so much WHAT you do with your step son---it's that your wife and you agree on the plan. If you can set up an enthusiastic agreement to use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior---GREAT! If you and your wife come to an enthusiastic agreement to hang him in a burlap sack and beat him with reeds---well, that's OK too. It's important that your wife and you communicate together well, and make plans that take each other's feelings into account.<P>2. Lovebusters (the book). Read about these behaviors that destroy a marriage and then eliminate them.<P>3. His Needs/Her Needs. Read about emotional needs. Try to assess your wife's most important needs, and then make a plan to meet them, consistantly, in the way that she wants them met.<P>It'd be great if your wife would join you in reading and working through the material. But even if she doesn't, you need to do this on your own. Your best choice would be to make positive changes in your behavior, and watch how that influences your wife, your stepson, and your son.

hey lifeman <BR>i was once in your wife's position i was tired of doing everything so i just stopped doing everything, make her feel good about herself start inviting friends over to motavaite her into wanting to keep the house clean make her feel needed. as for your step son start spending more quality time with him so there might be a bond soon that is what i did with my 8 yr. old step daughter. now we go do everything together.<P>amanda<P>

I echo the suggestion to learn everything you can from this website. You've come to the right place.<P>About your stepson. I can relate my experience. My SS was 4 when we married. I too had an awful time with him and my marriage suffered. Here are a few suggestions. Get on board with your W and her EH about discipline and values and groundrules. She will take the lead, but you must reinforce "her/their" rules. You should get an input too but don't count on it. As long as you're on the same page, he can't drive a wedge between you. (which for some reason, they tend to do)<P>Also, I agree that you should spend as much time with him as you can. Find things you like to do together. Develop a relationship with him. (Is his father still involved in his life??) It's a trick to become a trusted adult friend -vs- a father figure. (He doesn't need/want two fathers)<P>Address your marrital relationship ASAP. The relationship with SS will dramatically improve when you and your Ws relationship improves. I guarantee it. Theres something about a unified front that children find formidable.<P>Keep trying. Keep posting. You'll get there.<P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B