I have known for over a week I need to get here. I need to read up on the articles.<P>We have been in recovery for several mos now. Our church (we were pastors) leadership put so much garbage on H for my wrongdoing that it took a long time to even get to our own issues.<P>Friday, June 29, we signed our ministry resignation papers (our former denomination cared so much they wrote another woman's name on MY papers! How we missed that with H and I having read it over and a witness, I don't know other than being emotional...) We are still after all this time trying to clean the manse. The new pastors arrive next Thursday.<P>H is 44 yrs old, a cancer survivor,the BS and is working presently as a shipper/receiver. Neither of us are afraid of a hard day's work but it's been double duty hard for H as he works all day, was coming home and helping clean manse at night, while we moved things into our new place, listened to major yelling from Daughter 14 who hates change (kids don't know whole story other than OM is not the friend to Mom we all thought he was--and yes, I own my involvement in the EA which was very physical but not consummated but he set me up bigtime also) blah blah blah.<P>11, our other daughter seemed to be coping but she isn't doing as well as we thought.<P>Our last church has been unpastored since March. We are still here in the city. Many congregants have become lifelong friends having seen us through H's cancer radiation, thyroidectomy and radioiodine treatments. We had 3 people from our former congregation in the hospital at one time.<P>2 are still there. One, I mentioned recently in another post..Crusty (I call him that here because he is a retired navy guy who's seen the world and been around the block more than once) Crusty attempted suicide. While in hospital, (we are 2 of his 5 friends in the world--2 just moved away and his stupid rotten kids won't come see him since there's no $ in it for them) Crusty's prostate cancer recurred--just over the weekend. Crusty is not easy to be friends with but he will give you the shirt off his back, too. Crusty and H have a bond from going both going thru cancer (H has at least one more radioiodine treatment yet)<P>Crusty and I have been buds for along time. Crusty is fairly open about past sexual exploits and his regret (married 3x) and his inability over the past few years...so I always kind of viewed him as an asexual person in my life. Yeah, he's a man but I never think of him as anything but a friend,sometimes big brother.<P>H is away at work. So Crusty and I had lunch at hospital recently-this was OK with all 3 of us but I feel bothered by his revelation to me that he can perform now. I don't need this info. The whole A thing (he was friends and worked with OM) at the start involved 3 guys H felt were lined up waiting for him to die and marry me. (I thought this was insane at the time) These 3 men all worked together, all are con artists and were very jealous of each other. Crusty and Om were two of them. The other one I introduced to my best friend while I still had a brain in my head and now they are happily married.<P>Long story.<P>AND I haven't even reached a point yet! Please bear with me.<BR>Crusty will be in hospital for a long time. H fears he is not coming home ever. Crusty decided last weekend without consulting us that we are his escorts whenever he gets a 4-6 hr pass. So our family plans were dumped this past Saturday (long weekend in Canada) in order to accomodate Crusty who yes, had some real concerns to tend to. Yes, we would have said yes if he had asked. but I feel angry. Crusty knows the whole story inside out but in his need he can only think of himself at the moment.<P>So here I am feeling like some monster for resenting him but I need my H and we need our family time.<P>Last night, Crusty calls to inform us that H and I need to get boxes (remember we are not finished cleaning the manse and nowhere near unpacked here yet!) and put HIS things in this storage THIS Saturday. I told H this was coming and he assured me: NO, we won't be moving Crusty but when he called, what did we say? Yeah, Crusty, we'll be there for you.<P>I guess this is as much a vent as seeking of advice. The problem that landed me in an A was we are poor at setting boundaries around our M and family time. We chose to leave ministry to seek a "normal" family life (is there such a thing? esp with a 14 in the mix??? ) We were always having a single guy tag along which is how OM sort of worked his way easily. <P>Anyway, last night I was so upset about Crusty doing this to us and everything built up (I have been needing H to hear me but he gets upset and thinks I am berating when I say how I feel about stuff), we ended up (14 started it off..oh, no, I sound like her now! ) in the biggest argument our marriage has ever seen. I told H if he can't let me talk, we are going to end up divorced and neither of us wants that. Then he finally started talking about the 14 issue and not mine...he assured me of his love and I don't know why I said it aloud but I blurted out, then why do I always have to initiate sex? <P>You know how you wish you had this big eraser or delete button??? I wanted to take it back but it was too late. So then he grumped, Sorry I'm not man enough for you.<P>On Saturday, I was furious about Crusty dumping our plans (ok, he gave us tickets to the ball game which was fun but he didn't have to and it still meant he made us stop to check on a drunk who he thought was a dead senior citizen and the girls and I were stranded at a mall with no way to contact them for an unexpected (sort of-I knew it would happen) hour extra. <P>I know Crusty is not the real problem. I haven't told H yet how uncomfortable I feel about Crusty's remark to me that he can still perform (sometimes I wonder if there is a weird jealousy thing that I didn't choose him--gross!)<P>I know our life is changing. We are both adults in some kind of identity crisis. Our church leadership has treated us badly. I screwed up. I told the truth. We BOTH got punished for it in my opinion. We have an awesome C and friends. Finally my mother is being supportive (my closest brother and I don't communicate--we made up after he told me how stupid I am and more than likely to re-offend..all the wonderful wisdom a brother 10 yrs younger than me who knocked his girlfriend up in Bible school..thanks, bro)<P>Ooooo...ya, the anger. I haven't been able to tap into it.<BR>Boy, this is long.<P>Can anyone make any sense of my thoughts here????<P>How do I get H to understand my EN, the need for boundaries, the need for us both to face the pain and as we heal, set up new guidelines as a couple and a family? I think he resents my coming here. I need people and if he wants to withdraw into himself, there is only so much I can do as his wife and best friend..<P>I need to grow up. I need to cry. I need to be heard. I need to heal so I can start looking after H who has been thru hell. God, help me. Last night, I tried to pray and for the first time since I confessed, I couldn't. Today was Ok at Bible study. I need my time with God.<P>But it's summer and my kids and H need me. When do we get to have fun again? When do we get a romantic date again? H told me there would be a special time for me and him on Holiday Sunday and then promptly phoned up our friend Superguy (a divorced dad..he is totally awesome to our family) and invited him for supper. I told H about this last night. I told him I thought H and I were going to do more than go for coffee and I was disappointed as much as I love Superguy being around. <P>I can't make sense. I need sleep but tonight have to go clean the manse. I was supposed to rest this afternoon but ended up online and on the phone all afternoon.<P>Help me, please! Just Learning, are you here? I need you!<P>Thanks for your patience if you read this to the end!<P>I feel more like stale croutons than "freshstart" today <P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

I told H about Crusty's inappropriate revelation. He was hurt and told me I don't have to have lunch alone with him anymore...which likely wouldn't have happened any more anyway.<P>But I still lose on the moving him issue...it will be Sunday instead of Saturday (h's compromise) and we will call Crusty's friend and hope she will be part of this as it's not fair to dump it all on us. Apparently Crusty's rent will be prorated so the sooner better for getting his stuff in storage.<P>But I don't want to be around him. I am insulted that he might think I would be so stupid as to repeat the past. I have to remember he is in the psych ward as he can't think straight right now, too. And I know H relates to him as a fellow cancer sufferer. <P>But how do I make my feelings heard? H seems to recoil that I even have feelings. He finally shared a small thing with me last night.<P>I don't see how we can have healthy resolution of problems when I am such an offense. <P>We both are feeling a lot of anger...I think partly toward each other...but a lot more at other things in our life. Change is hard. <P>Thanks for listening.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

And also I thought I should clarify about calling my best friend's h a con artist..he has that background but seems to have overcome it. The friendship between the three of us is rocky for personal reasons, although I don't think they see it that way. Anyway, my best friend and her husband (whom I introduced to each other) fit together beautifully in positive ways and are great together and enjoying a happy m.

Ok, I'm confused...<P>You're the wayward spouse with what was at one time a close family friend? Oooh, ouch. Sorry for you... that couldn't have profited you anything now that you look back.<P>Okay, you're concerned about this weekend with Crusty... you have a right to be. Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Townsend? Please check it out of your church library.<P>What a BUMMER about your church... that's so unfair. Gosh, people freak out about affairs - I think it's because they all think of it themselves but restrain themselves somehow and come down with the full weight of the law when someone in the "fold" does it.<P>So, your H must feel so threatened... first a family friend and now this guy who he's befriended... can you imagine the betrayal he's feeling?<P>Okay, so how is YOUR relationship with God? Can you pray? <P>Keep talking! I'm not on this board as much as I am on the Emotional Needs board or Divorced/Divorcing board...<P>Hang in there!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Hi, OvrCs. thank you for your reply.<P>Crusty is the good family friend. OM --well, he became part of the family but H never liked him from the start. H is an excellent discerner and sized this guy up right from the start. He tolerated him for my sake..yes, I know now that was stupid. Too late smart.<P>I want so much to improve/heal quicker so I can start giving to H emotionally and helping him see my love. I am still struggling to forgive myself for all this nonsense and cleaning the manse this week has kind of compounded my sense of guilt (we wouldnt be moving if I hadn't screwed up--but H says likely we would have had a transfer and both of us were unhappy with our old church's hierarchy and some theology--definitely the uncaring unChristlike attitudes our boss displayed)<P>On Thursday we had a giant talk. H told me some of the ways I hurt him. He says he has never loved me more than now. He wants the old me back. I am afraid of the old me because she was sweet and naieve and easily suckered. She is a good person but she should have been a whole lot smarter. <P>I have heard of the book Boundaries and will check it out if I can. I have a couple others I need to read also.<P>I have to confess my relationship with God is not the greatest. Thank you so much for asking that. If someone would have challenged me with that question during the A, maybe a lot of grief could have been avoided.<P>It is too late for would haves and could haves, I know. I know I need time in God's word and prayer...lots and lots of it. I have neglected Him and wallowed too much in mire and self-pity. I just feel very lost right now. I have caused my H to be out of ministry and he is miserable as that is where he belongs. However, he is submitting a resume for an opening here in our city. We'll see what God's plans are. <P>Thanks again, OvrCs. You refreshed me and challenged me. I needed that.