My W and I have been married almost 12 years. About 8 years ago, we took in her sister's child because she was an unfit single parent. To be frank, she was more than willing to give her up. As long as I can remember, disciplining, no matter how I chose to discipline this child has caused friction between my W and I. And no, I don't beat any of our kids. So when I have to say something, I already know I am battling not one, but two individuals to make my points.
Today, my W and I have 3 children total. She still finds it appropriate to call me on the way I choose to discipline my children. For example, my niece is now 12. She is failing math and will probably have to go to summer school to get promoted. One day, after I got home, I found my niece sitting at the kitchen table drawing when this usual time is spent doing homework. I'll admit, she is a pretty good artist but for now, math, at least in my eyes is a priority. Somehow, she was chosen by the school newspaper to contribute some cartoons. So when I asked what she was doing, she replied with a grin like she was in the right, "my homework". Yes I was upset and I told her I didn't want her doing that when she failing math. My W, with her quick thinking makes antagonistic type comments in front of my niece and myself. She stated something to the effect that she didn't need math and that she was going to be an artist. So now I am in an argument with my W about the importance of math in school and the role, even if she majored in Art, how math is needed to graduate both HS and college. At this point, it's hard to stay focused on my niece when I am battling my W but I glanced my niece’s way and in front of her, next to her art work is a letter from her friend. I went to grab the letter and she "told me that it was none of my business”. And my W, in her ever so delicate ways, implies that she deserves some privacy. Things like this, in my eyes should be left outside of what I do or say to my niece. I really feel that no matter whether I am right or wrong, critiquing me should take place later if anything. More importantly, I know I am beginning to resent my W and my niece. That, I know leads to me being harsher than I normally would. I know I am wrong here but I feel like I have no choices. And as for the notes, they shouldn’t be happening in school when she is failing math. If she was passing and there was a free period, then I could care less. But this isn’t the case.
Today, I found a note in my niece’s pants pocket while doing laundry. Yes, I was upset. My W saw that I was mad, asked my why so I told her. Of course, as usual, she sides with children, especially our niece (her blood). Then she tells me that she deserves some privacy and that ridiculing her because of notes in school is stupid. And she also added that this particular note was written in the car and not in school.
When my niece got home, I confronted her about a few things that she did. I saved the note for last. And truthfully, I wasn’t going to get all frazzled about it but when I asked her when she wrote it, she stated a long time ago. Either my W or my niece is feeding me bull and that is what makes me upset. One covers the other and I always lose. Well, I confronted my W in another room about this; she again reiterated what she said earlier so I told her about the conflicting information. She comes in the room where my niece is waiting for me, confronts my niece who stands by her word which is capitilized by my W storming out of the room yelling at me, telling me to handle it the way I want to. That just upsets me more than anything so I simply turn around and ground my niece for the summer. Incidentally, she has never been punished by me that lasts more than day. Then later, my W storms in, tells me to get a life and to quit being so pathetic to a 12 year old. And yeah, everyone can hear this. She leaves the house slamming the door.
I know I used this incident to present my case but this more or less is the case with all our kids. She says that I am wrong in my techniques which by all means she is no angel but as long as she feels that I am in the wrong, it’s her place to judge and comment on the spot. I never say anything to her when she is disciplining the kids. I use the word discipline but I don’t necessarily mean spanking the kids, I just want to make that clear.
Bottom line, this is destroying us. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I don’t want to control everything, but if when I say something to my kids, I don’t want them to get confused when a parent doesn’t agree.
And I have tried to talk to my wife and it's been very unsuccessful.
<small>[ May 28, 2003, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: PK71 ]</small>
