I am dealing with a breakup of an engagement...background:
Me, (G) male, 50, never married. American
Her, (Y) female, 38, previously married, 2 children, ex-husband lives in
same town. Canadian
Live in Germany
Engaged November 2002, she decided to postpone in March. Separation 14 May 2003
The story. We met June 2001 and immediately started a full time, exclusive relationship. She had been physically separated from husband for 18 months, emotionally separated for three years, and I was always told by Y and her family that the ex was never a real father, never at home, no time or interest in the kids, a womanizer (which is why they divorced) and a basic skunk. I had my apartment, she her's, and we lived 3 miles from each other, and because of the children, we spent 90% of our time at her place. It was soon a nice family unit and Y did everything to make me happy...she is considerate, strong, sensitive and a good mother.
It as also soon that we realized we were in this for the long run...and the 90% became 98%. The love was deep, the sex great, everyone happy. Oh,
the ex was nearby, but never saw him.
I kept my apartment for no other reason than space for all my stuff until
we got a bigger place for ourselves. However, the ex husband was out of work and never paid support/alimony so, our move was delayed. Money came from me, her parents and a social services department here in Germany which lends money to divorced mothers when the husband is out of work. Then, last September 2002, the ex needed a place to stay urgently and Y called me in Hanoi where I was on business and asked me if
the ex husband could stay in my apartment, and despite all the negatives I had heard about this guy from her and her family, I reluctantly agreed that he and his girlfriend (the cause of the
divorce) could stay for the 3 weeks I was away. The other reason Y noted for letting them stay there is that the apartment they had before would not allow them to take both children...and my larger apartment could accommodate. However, at the end of the agreed three weeks, they used an excuse that their current state of finances would not allow them to find another apartment and asked for another month. I agreed, again
reluctantly, because it seemed to be the charitable thing to do. In November I proposed to my beloved and she enthusiastically accepted.
Families were notified, church booked, all happy.
But, the ex-husband was still in my apartment and still unable to pay (or so he says). They also were really moving in...took down my paintings, put up thier's, etc. When I went over there to discuss the rent payment as well as the fact they were not taking the kids and I could not believe I was in my apartment...yes, the furniture was the same, but rearranged. Everything was different. Anyway, the guy weazeled out of my demands for rent (I was after all paying $1800.- a month to the owner!) by saying that this oft referred to investment was still held by the banks and fobbed off any discussion of a schedule to take the kids (yes, this guy is good.). At the same time he is also warning me that Y is a bad housekeeper and had no idea about raising the children.
Anyway, all along my girlfriend / finance Y is telling me to be patient...his investments will pay off and we'll get the rent money...and more! I was not so sure. Another month, no money. Another discussion. Another month, no money. Now I am getting angry, but Y is still hanging on to the ex-husband's line about "money is coming" and I am getting more and more angry that she is defending him and that she is asking me to be more and more patient. It becomes a thorn and the discussion became a shouting match...exactly twice. At this time the ex was trying to get me to agree to pay money into our joint account with Y, a specific amount each month, for the right to live with his ex-wife (Yes, this guy does interfere) He wanted this in writing!. I ignored it, but about the same time, Y asked me to start paying more into the account (an indication of his influence). The ex even went so far as to do a household budget for us! I laughed, Y shrugged. (You gotta remember, at this time he owed me $10,800.-) Tension around our home was not apparent, but we avoided discussion of the ex-husband and I had nothing to do with him (which should have been the case from the start...). We begin pulling away from each other (which I can only see now). I gave up the lease on my apartment for the end of June as we were to be married on July 19th. But then Y asked for a postponement...saying that the tension about $$$ was too much. She said that we loved each other and we'd reschedule for December. I was disappointed, but agreed as $$$ is one issue which should be worked out before the aisle. Under advisement from the lawyer, at the end of March, I had to request that they vacate the apartment as of the 1st of May and sited as an excuse that my brother was coming to live in the
region. The ex and his girlfriend left at the end of May and now live in a palatial apartment (paying over $3'000 / month) and has only now paid us $8000 of the $12,600 owed. He has only in the past month started to pay the alimony / support he was supposed to from the start.
However, throughout April I notice that Y (my fiance) is not herself, just little things. When I ask about the reschedule of the wedding, she says "we'll have to talk about it". Then a I few days later I ask for the "talk" and she asks me if I move out temporarily and stay at my apartment for a couple of days so she can get some
space...and after 10 days she tells me she wants to live alone and not get married, and that she feels she is having some emotional crisis at 38 years old. She contends there is no other man and I have no indication there is. She says she wants to go out more (which we couldn't do often with two youngsters) and says that though she loves me, she needs to do this now.
We have only had one discussion, over the phone, since the separation and she acknowledges that the first 18 months of our relationship, those 18
months without the ex husband, were bliss. Never a fight, never a disagreement. And even the past few months any heated discussion (there was never yelling, but some tears) had to do with the ex and the financial situation. She also acknowledges that the ex and his interference in our life, was the wedge between us. I told her that I did not understand how the friction was causing me to pull away and that I now understand that we should have dealt with him differently to save us the distress and resulting separation.
Needless to say, I am heartbroken. I miss her, the kids and the life we had. I want to give her time, but sitting on my hands is a risky
proposition as I don't know what is going on. I don't know how to address her complaints when they are vague and the time from bliss to separation was only a couple of months. The separation has only been one month today.
Please note that we have never (and I mean never)had any argument about the children, never called each other names, never had in-law problems, never harmed each other emotionally nor displayed any inconsiderate behaviour. The sole issue has been the recent arrival of the ex and the money.
The only time we have seen each other the hug brought her to say "I feel so nice in your arms..." She has not returned the engagement ring, nor requested that we return each other's car / house keys. On the other hand, she has not called me, nor e-mailed me.
So, my contention is that the ex doesn't want the wife (he has his girlfriend), but doesn't want anyone else to have her either. He is viewed universally here as a macho manipulator who uses anyone who, like me is willing, even reluctantly, to allow him to. I feel that Y is confused by his control, which she may be seeing as genuine concern for her. In the meantime, I am in hell.
What is the experience with the interfering ex spouse. What can be said to Y to get her to see the harm this guy causes? I have told her that I feel this guy has his hand in my pocket and that three is a crowd, but she wants to have everyone live in harmony. Is she living in a dream? If you have any comments, they would be appreciated.
