I don't even know where to begin. We are not married but we have been in a relationship for the past five years that it has seemed that way. In the begining of our relationship it was perfect I can not even describe how in love we were, but I got pregnant. His family and friends pushed him to leave me. I am thankful that he decided not to because we both needed each other to get through it all. Our choice was to place the child for adoption since we were both very young and in school and did not feel that we could provide for a child.
We are best friends and very close. His parents are now going through a divorce which seems to have given him a complex about commitment. Our relationship has hit some big rocks. We have broken up a few times and I distance myself from him so that I can heal during those times. He says that he misses me and courts me agian leading to us getting back together. Things go great and then I find out that he was with another girl each time we are apart. He even has the nerve to turn it around and ask me if I have been with someone else. He does not believe me when I say that at this point in my life I don't want to be in another relationship or even dating. I just want to hang out with my family and my girl friends. He has often said that he would have married me if we had not gone through the experiance of the baby because he is very hurt about it. When we are together and things are right it seems perfect and happy but whenever we get too close and we begin talking about marriage again he brings up the past. I feel that I have come to terms about the baby and the past but he needs to but won't. I love him and want to help him heal. We are now apart by my choice but still remain friends. Please any advice would be of great help. Thank you

In need of help
I can't really relate to what you are going through but I can relate to what he is a little.

Although I have never had any relationship with another since I met my wife, I have often been afraid that she did or wanted to. I don't know what she could have done to change that.
She too wanted space as it sounds like you do at times. And i know it didn't involve other men, I just feared that it it did.

We have been best friends for over 17 years and are doing our best to keep it that way.

The first thing you need to do is read everything you can on this web site. Listen to all the advice you can get. I also think it would be best to identify the things that cause the conflict between you and the insecurity in him and avoid those things. If commitment causes problems then maybe you should't discuss it. It sounds like you already have a commitment, it just isn't on paper.

Thank you so much for responding. I agree I do need to step back and look at what I am bringing into this relationship as well, this website is filled with great advice.
When I do distance myself from him it is when he feels that he needs space or when he is not treating me the way that I should be treated. I think by giving us both space he realizes this. It normally occures when he feels that we are growing too close. It is as if he has built up a wall to protect himself but will not let anybody come through. He feels guilty about many things and has a hard time forgiving himself for even the simplest things. But after a while he misses me and wants to return and I can't help but return as well.
I think that he is affraid of commitment since most of the relationships that he has seen. I just want to be able to show him that not all relationships are doomed from the beginging. I love him and want to be with him but I find it hard to cope with the highs and extreme lows that it brings day to day. I don't want an ultimatium to get married I just want a healthy happy relationship to return and to build on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> this website is filled with great advice. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This advice would apply to him as well. Would he be receptive to going through the MB principles and concepts with you.
Perhaps the 2 of you could read His Needs/Her Needs together.

I would love to have him read the advice on the sight, I am sure that it would help him so much. The thing about him is that he dosn't like to admit that there is issues he tries to suppress them thinking that that is what men are supposed to do. (This concept I totally disagree with since it depresses the person longer) and then eventually takes them out on others. I don't mean physically, he just becomes short with anyone who comes into contact with him. Other times he is happy but you can tell something is bothering him like it is always on the back of his mind. We are seperated right now because I feel that he needs to sort things out with himself before he can continue any relationship.

In need of help
You said something very interesting
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel that he needs to sort things out with himself before he can continue any relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is also a time that you should step back and look at yourself. I'm not saying that you are at fault but relationships do take 2 people.
Make sure that you read and understand the EN section of MB. Don't wory about him changing, make sure that you are being the best that you can. Not just for him, but also for you.

Also take into consideration his ability to meet your needs. If you desire closeness and commitment, can he offer that to you without shutting down everytime it starts to happen.

After it all happend we tried to go back to being normal kids I hate to say it but the college party scene is depressing for me and something that he seems to not like but likes to hide in. I am in the process of turning my life around and hoping that maybe by setting an example he might want to as well. About a year ago I started attending chuch and church functions again and surrounding myself with positive people. Maybe by doing this I pushed him away I don't know. Thank you again this has made me reflect to be honest I feel better allready. Thank you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am in the process of turning my life around </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you.