Hi Slackeryoutoo,
It made me smile when you commented about the quick response. That's what blew me away when I first entered this forum. The flood of concern, truths and caring was awesome. Love this site !
I understand you may not have a chance to return until after the W/E, no expectations here. Happy to be exchanging ideas with you.
I would like to return bit by bit to your response.
I too will start at the last remark. It will be very interesting to see how she responds to the CD. For both your sakes, I sincerely hope it starts some honest and loving exchange. There is a possibility, of course, than it won't. (we have to consider that too). It depends a great deal on her head space, when she listens.
You indicated that she really believes everything is "fine". This is SOOO usual in unequal situations ! What is more disturbing, is how she reacts when you try to tell her that you are not happy? There could be a host of reasons why she responds that way, and some answers may come to light after you initiate your CD.
Now to go back to the beginning of your response.
Let's think about confrontation !
We often identify it with a lot of negative things, but it doesn't HAVE to be ruthless and cruel . In fact it can be a very healthy and kind part of loving. Keeping our unhappy feelings stuffed away surely breeds more problems sooner or later.When you tried to voice your concerns, I understand you were not really heard and that would certainly re-inforce your feelings about confrontation. BUT, I think you will have to persist. HOW you persist is crucial. ( refer to the MB info) To dive back into your shell may "still the surface waters" for a short time , but trust me, the problem has not gone away, just gone deeper. The reason things are the way they are right now may underscore that. You describe your self confidence positively. That is great! You describe your abilities positively. That is great!
You describe your attitude towards failure. Now that made me wonder. A relationship is only as successful as what goes into it, right?!
But it takes TWO, or you wouldn't need another person. You could do it all by yourself, right?
There are many types of relationships, many styles, balances, etc. It doesn't really matter unless it doesn't work for one or the other. That's when you know your relationship isn't working. You can put in 100%++++, but if the other person isn't contributing........the relationship is failing. Unfortunately, you will have to look at the fact that you ALONE cannot make it succeed. This is very frustrating for those of us who feel that if we just gave a little more, perhaps it would help resolve things.......What a betrayal of ourselves that becomes! It's rather like the battery in a car, if the alternator isn't working, the battery dies.
Another metaphor for the Love Bank idea, perhaps.
In some ways, Slackeryoutoo, you have helped the situation deteriorate by your "givingness" (is that a word?) I've so been there. In fact, it is not loving to facilitate another person into believing you will tolerate things as they are.
It will only provide an ongoing incentive to become worse. The "Taker" can be is ruthless !
When you described your wife's indifference to giving you the children if you broke up, that really was a red flag. Your wife may need serious psychological help. Unfortunately, some people with the greatest need, cannot/will not recognize their own dysfunction. I am in no way able to diagnose, but I might suggest you look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You might also like the info at
www.voicelessness.com/ There are many aspects to this disorder.
Your children are too young at the moment, to do anything but love and respect you. You are there for them so much. But they are learning and absorbing unhealthy lessons unconsciously none the less from both of you. Just to give you a small example of this from my own most recent life experience. I have a grandson, age 9.
He has two cousins on his father's side 2 and 5 yrs. older. (A really dysfunctional family !!)
Anyway, we were talking about his other grandmother, and he said he didn't really like her, but she was "O.K", because she "was his slave"!!! I was shocked and asked where he had gotten such a horrible attitude. He said it was common knowledge between him and his cousins.She was the family dormat, and they had no respect for her. "From the mouths of babes......."
I sincerely wish you well.. Keep me posted. God bless !