Well I am a newlywed, only married 6 months. Divorce is not an option. But I am already starting to feel like I made a mistake. Maybe I am making mountains out of molehills. These are the things that bug the heck out of me.
1. When my husband talks disrespectfully to me. He says that I am too sensitive and that that is just his tone of voice, that he cant help it. but I can NOT stand it when people get attitudes with me. I tend to mirror them when that happens. I tell him countless times that it bothers me the way he talks to me sometimes. He says that hes sorry and he won't do it again. It always happens again and again. I get so angry with him and just get quiet and withdrawn, until the frustration subsides. Sometimes its for hours. I can't shake it until hrs pass. Lately I just feel like I have made a mistake, in getting married, but neither of us believe in divorce. Its til death do us part.
2. The fact that he is such a hothead. He has very little patience with many things and gets really negative and his irritation rubs off on me, and I start to feel angry at him, and it goes back and forth.
3. His lack of patience with me. Sometimes he gets so pushy and snappy. And I don't like being treated like that.
4. He doesn't listen. When I ask him to consider something that I would like for him to do, he'll say "Ok" to please me but then just ignore me and do what he is going to do anyway. Before we were married, he took so much more consideration of my feelings and what I might want, and would Listen to me. Actually hear me. Now he just ignores me, or just half listens to me, and its like he hears what I'm saying, but barely "hears" me.
5. We'll be watching TV and he is so negative sometimes. He strongly dislikes celebrities and hollywood; and puts them down, and says really nasty things about them...I actually like watching those things on tv, and find enjoyment. Well he gets so annoyed by them and then his negativity takes the enjoyment out of the whole evening and ruins it. Plus he took a cinema class in college, and all of a sudden he is this "expert" on movies...And constantly points out "bad continuity" and the poor quality and bad acting. It is very annoying. It has taken out all of the enjoyment of watching television and movies with him. I have asked him countless times before. **Keyword-"countless"; to not be so negative and point out the negativity, as well as with the way he treats me. Nothing ever changes. I am getting soooo tired of repeating myself again and again and am afraid I am going to lose the desire and motivation to keep asking.

It's like he doesn't respect me enough to be thoughtful of my feelings. Its not like he is malicious or anything, he doesn't intentionally try to hurt me, but he tramples all over my feelings and doesn't listen to me!!!! I am tired of asking for him to respect me. His excuses: "you are too sensitive...I can't help it, I know my weaknesses, but it's my personality...I'm around military people all day; that is how everyone is..."

6. Another thing is Alcohol. Hubby drinks only 1-2 beers each day after coming home from work. He never comes home and drinks more than that...It is only to take the edge off. But it is alarming still. His behavior doesn't change at all. Occasionally if we go out with friends or like yesterday at the superbowl; there is always alcohol involved. No matter what the activity, there are usually 1-2 beers involved. If it is out socializing with other people, there is usually a slight buzz or sometimes even getting drunk. It never interferes with work or causes problems, but I feel like he somewhat depends on alcohol. occasionally he says, I had such a bad day, I need a beer. I don't think he is an alcoholic at all, but I worry about him. I don't know how to express this to him.

Another thing is his mother. She means well and I love her so much. But she is constantly trying to "help." By this I mean counsel us on money money money. She is obsessed with money, saving it, bargains, etc. She is very controlling. Not in a mean or malicious way, but she needs to constantly stay on top of us, that we are "doing everything we are supposed to be doing." She is an endless pit of energy, and when either of us talk to her on the phone, we get off the phone feeling exhausted, annoyed, depleted, and lethargic. She will spout off a million different "tasks" that she thinks we should be doing to make our life go in the right direction, or just to stay on top of things. "did you do this today? that? oh, well make sure you do that because..." I feel that it is not my place to say something to her to back off some; because she has really been a Godsend to me in so many ways. In many ways she is so wonderful; and has loved me like a daughter, and helped me out in so many ways. But in other ways, I feel like she gets in our business and lectures us as if we are still children. I am 25 years old. If we don't do something she wants us to do, she will push and push and dominate submissively until she gets what she wants us to do. It's not just with us, its with everyone. But she is sweet. That is why it is hard to stand up and say anything to her. It would be like "this is the thanks I get after all I have done for you??" I fear that the controlling will get worse after we have children, but I have no idea what to do to curb this. Hubby won't say anything or stand up to her...He just tunes her out...(Like he is starting to do to me)and just puts up with it. He tells me that its just her personality and he just deals with it. "That it is just the way the women in my family are." This bugs me because I feel like he should say something to her, it is his mom.

He is not all bad; these are just the things that bother me. He is very wonderful in many ways. He is very affectionate and loving and fun to be around. He is responsible, faithful, and has a good job.

Although the affection and love have not diminished, lately I feel withdrawn from him and feel myself "divorcing" slightly, emotionally from him. I feel like he needs to make the effort if this marriage is going to work; and he must be willing to take it seriously.

He sees our marriage as great and feels great about it. He says that we've had 1 or 2 fights.

In my eyes, when I hear him say this, I am shocked. I feel like we fight all the time. And I am constantly reacting to him, and end up feeling disrespected, irritated, frustrated, angry.

We are obviously on 2 different pages.

Can anyone help?

Sure, there's some help to be had.

First off, you go up to the top of this page and you click the concepts link and you read *everything* under it. Several times. Until it oozes out your pores.

Then you read the Q&A section, and read a lot of Dr. H's letters to couples about various issues. Some will be similar to yours, some won't, but it will help you get in the MB mode of thinking.


There is nothing unusual about your situation. In many marriages, after the wedding is over, things go downhill fast. But that's just when the work of building a real relationship begins.

In the "wooing" period, your H had to pay attention to you, because he was courting you. Now he's bagged the babe, he feels the work is done. Not uncommon at all.

Your H's behavior is laced with what the good Dr. calls LB's (love busters). It's covered in detail in the Concepts section. Your interactions with him may be laced with them as well.

Let's dispel a few myths:

Your H is not the arbiter nor judge of how you feel. It is not his place to say whether or not you should feel a certain way. How you feel is how you feel.

Many of his behaviors towards you fall under the category of abuse. Yes, abuse. You may not want to hear it, but that's what it is. You are letting your H trample all over your boundaries, and so he doesn't respect you. If he doesn't respect you, he's not going to listen to you. If he's not going to listen to you, you're not going to get what you desire in the relationship.

The same boundary issues applies to his mother. If you're going to allow her to continue to disrespect your boundaries (and she must be, because you feel uncomfortable wiht the situation as it is), then it will continue, and you will continue to be frustrated, and the situation will continue to remain as it is.

Your MIL being "sweet" has nothing to do with anything. SHe disrespects you, she disrespects your boundaries (and from yoru description, quote probably a lot of other peoples), but because she appears to be this "force of nature", you don't do anything. So it won't change until you bring it about.

I do not see how you can say the love is not diminished, but in the same sentence, you say that you're withdrawing from the relationship. Ig uess perhaps you can just "love him from afar", if that's what you want, but it doesn't sound like a great place to be.

IN short, until you love yourself enough to establish firm boundaries, stop tolerating abusive behavior, you will most likely just continue to be hurt, continue to withdraw, and continue to just get more miserable.

Your H is a classic manipulator/abuser. He's getting what he wants (as evidenced by his perception that he sees no problems), he can trample all over your boundaries, and in fact, he's good enough at it, he has you making excuses for this behavior as if it was actually OK. You can ask him for something, and he refuses to give you what you need or ask for. Why in the world would you think he would see a problem?

You need to review BC in detail. You need to see the slippery slope that your relationship is perched on.

YOu need to get some material that will help you establish firm boundaries with your H, and help you put a stop to the abusive behavior.

You need to prepare yourself for some ugliness, because manipulative people do not like change. And they can make your life a living hell.

YOu have the added burden of saying that divorce is not an option, so in short, worst case, the biggest weapon in your arsenal to bring about change has been defused.


Your description of being on 2 different pages is a picture perfect example of the material in a book by Patricia Evans: "The verbally abusive relationship, how to recognize it and respond". YOu need to buy it, read it, and practice it. (All w/o your H seeing it, because it will most likely only make him angry). Your description of your H's actions are pretty much textbook, and teh Evans book can help.

How do I know this? Iwas the same if not worse as your H in the situation with my wife. My wife was much like you, trying to make sense. The principles in that book helped her to stop our relationship from completely destroying itself, and now things are good.

Sometime you can read about my story, or search by name, I have many posts detailing the struggles my W and I went through on the road to recovery.

I'll tell you this. Do not expect your H to embrace any kind of change with open arms. Be happy if he does, but don't walk into working on change with blinders on.

Realize as well tha tyou can't force your H to change. YOu can only change yourself (boundaries and such), and then hopefully your H will choose to join you in a new relationship based on a firm foundation.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. I'm always checking things out, or you can reach me on AIM if you have a quick ?.