we've been married almost 8 months and already I'm feeling so lost. I've been a giver for so long what makes things worst is my taker husband also has a substance abuse problem. He's told me many times that he's going to quit and has honestly made efforts but always seems to go back after a few weeks(didn't know about the problem til nite b4 wedding). Many of his friends are also users which makes it harder for him and brings up our most recent conflict. His need to go out to bars and clubs w/o me lately brushes off our plans to go out usually just takes off w/o even giving me notice. I sometimes come home from work fri nite to an empty house and no clue as to where he is. This most recent issue has been on going for the last 2 months. I want to work things out with him but don't know how. I have very old fashioned values which make it hard for me to accept his night outings. Can anyone relate or give me any insight.

Unfortunately, there is not much that can be done when an overpowering addiction exists. Teh addiction needs to be addressed, and the broken trust in the relationship restored.

Until your H gets real help, and really stops, I suspect you wlil be on this emotional rollercoaster until the relationship completely falls apart.

Dear justnancy,
My situation was EXACTLY like yours,(but I was married 5 years) & I hate to tell ya, but it'll only get worse! When drugs are involved people change, it becomes all about them! Thing's become less important around them, & their focus seems to be only of one thing- the thing they enjoy doing most.
Can u relate to any of these?
1. can't do things with u cause a buddy needs him?
2. can't get to far away from the phone, he's waiting for a call?
3. complains about being broke but if he can score, there's the cash ?
4. blames you for everything? example: He would xxxxx, but you didn't clean the house. OR He would do more for you, but what do you do for him?
5. you could be in the same room for 5 hrs & he won't say 2 words, but a buddy comes by or calls & he'll tell all kinds of stories, one's he could have been telling you!

Now these are just a few things. Do any sound like him & your situation?
Getting a professional help might help, but if he doesn't want to, then maybe you need to change ur life plans & make them without him, no matter how heartbroken u may be.
***I wish you the best, & keep your chin up!!!!!