I have been married over six and a half years and during that time, my husband has had two affairs. The latest about a year and a half ago. We stayed together because he told me about it and said he loved me and wanted to be with me and his son. Although we stayed together, I wouldn't let him get close to me emotionally and many times physically because I didn't trust him anymore and it was too painful.<P>About five months ago, my husband changed his line of work, and shortly afterward his mother became terminally ill. My husband then became angry, withdrawn and depressed.<P>Soon he found a female co-worker to confide in who was also having some major problems of her own. They have become very close now. I have asked them both about this and they say they are just very good friends who can talk to each other and build each other up. <P>They both know I don't agree with this relationship, because I feel he is putting himself in a very dangerous situation to have another affair. They always tell each other that they love one another and miss the other, and need to see one another.<P>Recently, the female co-worker told my husband she wanted to become my friend, but I have let her know how I feel about their relationship,and that I don't want to be her friend. She says my husband has helped her a lot and she is not going to give up the best friendship she ever had to satisfy me and the only way it would ever end would be for him to end it.<P>Now I am so sick of all the "I love you",etc.,that I've told my husband its either her or me. I can't take all the stress and the depression it puts me in to know that he is telling her these things and she feels the same towards him.<P>At first he told me he would try to curb the relationship, but he has promised this before and I feel it can't be done, especially since she has now switched to a similar shift as he, and he also takes her to and from work now because she has no vehicle.<P>I told my husband he had to decide what was more important-his relationship with his family or his relationship with her. He says he doesn't want to make that choice, but just wants me to drop it for now and cool off. I have had all I can take though.<P>I told him he had to make a decision, so he said he would leave for a while if I wanted him to do this. I want him to leave so he can see how serious this is to me and how it should be for him also. I want him to think this over to see what is really important, but I am afraid this may backfire and he will end up being with her.<P>My question is, should I have given him this choice to make since he is not enthusiastically agreeing about it, even though he is agreeing? Dr. Harley's articals say that if you don't enthusiastically agree about something it shouldn't be done. Am I making the right decision in giving him this choice to make when he doesn't partically want to make it?<P>Any answers to these questions would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks, FH<P>------------------<BR>

FH:<P>This is a typical "tough" situation. Your husband is exhibiting very thoughtless behavior (and inappropriate) by having a close female friend. This is the way that a lot of affairs start, and your husband is a two-time loser in that regard.<P>You, on the other hand, have failed to meet some of your husband's important emotional needs, and you've given him "selfish demands" as far as the friendship goes.<P>If you both continue this pattern, you'll end up divorced. Your husband will continue to have affairs. You will continue to punish him for it. It's lose-lose.<P>What you want to do is to come up with a situation that's win-win. I'd suggest counseling as a start (the phone counseling here with Steve Harley is great), but if you're unwilling to do that, I suggest that you purchase Dr. Harley's book "Give and Take". See if your husband will be willing to read it.<P>My advice to you would be to first eliminate the lovebusters that you use towards your husband (selfish demands, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements), and make a concerted effort to meet his emotional needs. You should focus on the needs that this woman meets for him (hopefully that's only admiration and conversation at this point), as well as on sex. I'd also recommend that you spend as much quality time with your husband as possible.<P>As far as this coworker goes, you should apply the policy of Complete Honesty (let him know how you feel---without lovebusters), and work with the POJA to negotiate her out of the picture. You can offer incentives (meeting more of his needs) and try to work creatively around eliminating her out of your husband's life. The POJA would state that your husband shouldn't have this friendship because you both can't agree to it. But it's already happened, so you need to not use demands to have it end. I would also be hesitant to use a separation at this point now---try a positive approach for a few months before you go that route.

K,<P>Thanks for your honest and straightforward answer, I appreciate that because that is how I try to be with everyone including my husband.<P>I will say I was somewhat surprised by your response. I was expecting something I guess, like it was all his fault and I was correct in trying to get him to make a choice.<P>Even though I have known that I must not be satisfying his needs,this was an eyeopener to me. Many times I think that when I am right about something, things should be done my way. Your response helped me to see clearer that the way I approached this problem was not right, and I should focus on satisfying his needs and maybe this friend will fade out of the picture in time. I hope it will be soon because it causes a lot of division between my husband and me.<P>I will try to follow your suggestions and also get Dr. Harley's book that you suggested. I will keep you informed on what happens, but I don't expect any drastic changes in his relationship with this friend of his. I am hoping though, if I start to meet his needs better, that things will change soon.<P>Thanks again,<P>FH<p>[This message has been edited by FH (edited July 21, 1999).]

FH:<P>I know the curse of being right all the time... <P>You have a tough situation in that you haven't been practicing the "Four Rules for a Successful Marriage" (Protection, Care, Honesty, and Time). These rules are terrific for making a marriage a great relationship, but it's tough to start applying all of them equally. I think if you focus on meeting his needs and eliminating lovebusters (that's most important), you'll be able to introduce him to "Complete Honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement later. Basically, you want him to realize what a fantastic, committed wife he has, and then let him gently know how his relationship with this woman hurts your feelings. If he's deeply in love with you, he'll be more understanding (probably) and you'll be able to negotiate a solution that you can both live with.<P>Good luck. I will suggest that if you feel things aren't working as you would like, that you give Steve Harley a call. He's a terrific counselor, and I've found the phone counseling to be more convenient and cost-effective than office counseling (he was also much better than the office therapists).<P>