Well it looks like I have really messed up this time. I posted a couple of weeks ago about my marital problems and was trying very hard not to bring our marital problems up with my husband but I slippped and brought them up again on Saturday night. After a great couple of weeks and a wonderful day. And well, let me tell you, my husband got so mad at me that he left and said that was it, he can't do this anymore. All I wanted to do was make love to my husband and he again wasn't in the mood. This has been going on for 8 weeks now and I just don't understand. He tells me he is still in love with me, he is still attracted to me and he still wants to be married but just has not been in the mood for sex for a while.<P>When I asked him if he really wanted to move out, he won't say yes, he says "that's the way it has to be" so I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he says "NO, that's not what I want." I asked him if he believed that things could work out and he said he thought they could but he doesn't have the strength right now to see if I will quit bringing up our problems.<P>Well even though he left that Saturday night, he came back first thing Sunday morning and has shown no signs that he really is moving out. I think he left Saturday night because he was so mad at me and just didn't want to fight anymore. He even asked me to make him his lunch yesterday which really shocked me because he never asks me to make his lunch before he leaves for work on Sundays. Could it be a sign that he still really needs me? I know it is still way to early to know if he is really going to move but I have to hold on to hope that since he is still there, he really doesn't want to leave. I think he is just so angry with me right now and wants to test me to see if I will continue to push the issues of our marriage or just not talk about them anymore, which is what he really wants. Right now, he won't talk to me and did not say goodbye this morning when he left for work.<P>What makes this extremely hard is the kids. They know what is going on and keep asking if one of us is going to move out and of course they start crying and saying they don't want either one of us to leave. I don't know if I have the strength right now to get through this. I have completely lost me appetite and haven't been able to keep anything down since the big fight. I could really use some advice right now.<P>How do I find the strength to keep my kids happy?<P>How do I find the strength to NOT bring this up with my husband?<P>How do I find the courage to go on without him if that is the ultimate decision?<P>I have always been a very strong person and it is hard for me to believe that I have become this weak. I can't control my emotions and am having a real hard time sleeping. I am open to any and all suggestions.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sballplyr:<BR><B><P>I have always been a very strong person and it is hard for me to believe that I have become this weak. I can't control my emotions and am having a real hard time sleeping. I am open to any and all suggestions. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So, tell me who of us who have been and are in exactly the same situation CAN control our emotions - we are all only human and have our needs too.<BR>Hey, read my posts - this has happened to me many many times in the last 11 months, my wife has threatened so many times to walk out, everytime I raise the subject - same reaction - I cant take this anymore, I'm leaving.<BR>The last time I said, fine, but I hope you know what you are doing (this was after I TOLD HER that I was trying to get a log of the calls she makes on her cellphone)<BR>She threw an absolute tantrum, broke glasses, dishes, packed a bag and was ready to go - I didnt stop her this time - guess what, she didnt go.<BR>We had one helluva fight this weekend - I was getting sick and tired of getting the cold shoulder despite everything I have tried, yes it ended with her in tears, then telling me its because I cant let go, I keep on making her feel guilty.<P>She even told me that she doesnt feel worthy of me and the kids - she should leave so that we can live a better life without her.<P>It ended up in her throwing an absolute tantrum again because I made her cry so much and end up with a puffy face, and she couldnt eat dinner because I had upset her so.<P>This is their way of offloading their guilt onto you - retaliation - because they think we are helpless without them.<P>I get exactly the same excuses from my wife - almost as if she has been having an affair with your husband. Has he also told you that you are treating him like a child?<P>We havent made love in 3 months - no matter what I have tried, wining, dining, loving, pampering, back-rubs, coffee every morning etc. etc. etc.<P>So, I have just started a new avenue - keep my distance - as little contact as possible - do you know what - she has actually started to notice it (only problem is I lost it big-time this weekend, couldnt contain myself anymore).<P>Keep your distance - I know it is so very very hard, but do it for yourself YOU CAN DO IT.<BR>I was an absolute nervous wreck myself and never thought I could do it - but do it now, before you get yourself in a terrible mess and you cannot get out of it. I have not been able to concentrate on my work for 9 months now - my boss is starting to question my credibility.<BR>DONT LET YOURSELF GET TO THAT STAGE _ YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN THAT - you are a mother and a good one, despite whatever has happened.<BR>I have joked about the affair, I have been cynical, I have been mad, angry, hopeless - and what did I get out of it - nothing - only ruined myself.<BR>I have been living on sleeping pills now for 18 months - but still only getting 5 hours sleep per night - after I have a beer at bedtime - do you want to end up like that?<P>It was so bad this weekend that I was ready to go out and find a woman, any woman, in a bar or wherever, just to get rid of my frustration - believe me you do not want to get to that stage - and I truly hope that I will never be there again.<P>You know what - he is just like my wife - he will not leave you - he is too insecure himself. He does not want to admit that he really still needs you - he is obstinate and proud.<P>Just stand up and show him you are a woman, and a strong one at that.<P>Believe me if I can do it so can you.<P>I love my wife very very very much and I do not want to lose her - BUT - sometimes we have to be strong and hard, very hard - BECAUSE WE DID NOT HAVE THE AFFAIR, WE WERE NOT THE WEAK ONES - THEY WERE, so we can be strong now. Hey I am preaching to myself now too.<P>As a very good ladyfriend who posts very often on this column has said YOU DESERVE A VERY BIG HUG. <P>Keep posting here, you will get all the positive support you need - it has been my crutch, salvation, and existence for 12 months.

Hi<P>I think what is happening here is that you are trying very hard to fix damage that has been done in your marriage and I think you are trying very hard to help your children cope with the stress of the marital conflict<P>I would advise you to read this marriage site very carefully in the area of where he teaches you about conversation and the three conversation enemies<P>I do not want to copy and paste as I know he has copyright on it<P>But that will teach you how to converse with your husband<P>Ask him if he will agree to correspond with you on paper for three days instead of talking about your problems at all in words<P>Then you can both see perhaps where your mistakes are<P>I get the feeling you are both trying to save this marriage for the sake of a secure future on which<BR>you two have built on so far and had children and are trying to save their feelings too<P>So communicate on paper with each other, writing the children each a letter with positive input like how special they are and how much they mean to both of you and giving each child their own letter in an envelope with both of your positive comments on one paper per child<P>Please mail me at kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com if I have helped you<P>I am not a specialist, just studied wonderful marriage building sites like this one and a discovered a few others where they would add to my knowledge and respect of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> <P>Write to me if I helped you<P>This is an open invitation for anyone<P>Carol<P>Christian counsellor and prayer partner<BR>

Kevan & CarolBo<P>Thank you both so much for your words of wisdom, encouragement and support. They are truly what I need right now. It is nice to hear positive input from people instead of negative.<P>Kevan --<P>It does sound like your wife and my husband are the same person. Thank you so much for all of your advice and your VERY BIG HUG. I really needed it and am going to try things that you have suggested.<P>CarolBo --<P>I have been doing a lot of reading and it is really helping. I am trying to learn how to converse with my husband which has never been a problem in the past but now that I am not getting answers or results, I get frustrated and start using the wrong words/method to speak to my husband. Right now, I am letting him cool down before I make any attempts to have any type of conversation with him. You are right when you say we are both trying to save the marriage, unfortunately, we have different ideas on getting there.<P>What I see is that we are keeping score here by pointing out each other's mistakes and flaws. For example, on Saturday before the big fight, we were having a wonderful day but that night he pointed out the one bad comment that I had made that I don't even remember saying. He said I told him "Don't be an A$$" I don't remember saying it but that is not the point. It's like he can only find the bad in me right now no matter how many good things I do.<P>I don't know if this is a good sign or not but he still shows no signs of leaving so I am holding onto hope that he really doesn't want to. I also did something out of the ordinary for me that seemed to bother him. I left work early and picked up the kids and took them swimming at my best friends house. I did leave him a note at the house letting him know that I had the kids with me and I would be home later. Before he got home, he had called my work and found out I had left for the day. That is when my cell phone rang and it was him wondering why I had left early. You could almost hear the panic in his voice. Anyway, I told him what I was doing and that we would be home later and again, he sounded like a child that wasn't included in something. Me and the kids were only gone 2 hours and he called my cell phone again and asked when we were coming home. It was just really funny to me that all of a sudden he is wondering how long I was going to be away from the house. You see, I never go or do anything for myself and I am finally going to start. I think that is another reason I get so frustrated all the time.<P>Once we got home, he and I had normal conversation about his day at work. Which again really surprised me because we have not really talked at all since the fight Saturday. I just keep hoping and praying.<P>I will keep coming back here for advice and support. These boards are wonderful for help.<BR>

I was reading the first thing you wrote and it sounds so much like my wife and I. I'm in your boat here. I posted one that says In love with wife but not vice versa. I can see a lot of what you are saying in my marriage. Maybe your spouse needs time and space. I know I was told to stop trying so hard and do things for myself so that I would get noticed. Maybe it might work for you. And also not to hoover over your spouse because they don't like that when they are trying to figure out the rest of their life. I can tell you though, I feel your pain.