Suggestions please! My spouse wanted us to get counseling for years and I resisted. Now that I decided I'm ready and able (OK I've been a jerk) he wants to end the marriage. Over the past week he's gone back and forth about whether he'd consider counseling. Monday the answer was yes, but last night it was no.

Any ideas about how to convince him to atleast try it?

Dear Wife for Counseling,

My wife and I have been to counseling over the years, and my wife has been up and down on the issue.

One of your options, is to find the best time, with the best counselor, according to your husband's point of view, and make an appointment, and arrange any insurance that is available.

If you admit that you could have been a better marriage partner, then you may agree that you could benefit from counsling yourself, whether or not hour husband attends.

Some of the marriage counselors I have used have not been very helpful, particlularly those with Kaiser.

Sometimes my wife would come with me, sometimes she refused, so I went alone. Sometimes the marrige conselor seemed disappointed that I was unable to get my wife to come along, and seemed confused about how to help my with my marriage by myself, but we worked through some strategies and issues.

If your husband fails to show up after making a few appointments, then you can start to question how to add some carrots for him.

If you feel you have been a jerk, it may be because you have had unfulfilled wishes, that you have not well defined, and not made reasonable requests for steps toward fulfillment.

I personally talk to a coach over the phone, and define my wishes more clearly, write them out in various categories, then present my wishes to my wife, at a time when there is a chance for receptivity, such as going out to lunch or dinner.

Some spouses are interested in counseling to have the counselor persuade the other spouse to change. You have not listed your husband's unfulfilled wishes, and which ones you are now willing to work toward meeting. What habits do you have, that are less than optimal for your husband, and what steps are you willing to make to change these habits?

One benefit of a counselor is to help you discover ways to meet each other's needs that you had not thought of yourselves.

What ways are open to you to show that you are serious about saving the marriage? What are the reasons your husband wishes to have a divorce? What is your husband unwilling to forgive, that you are now willing to change? How can you show your husband that you are truly ready to change? What are other important issues? On what issues have you gone ahead without joint agreement? What issues can you change back to getting a joint agreement?

I read your posts under other categories, and ou say you are disappointed that your husband is equivocating about forgiving you and going on with the marriage. You say he has reason to feel hurt, so it may take time to bring everything around.

I can't control the future wiht my wife. I can just try to do those things taht I am aware will help make things better.

My wife comes under the influence of other peopless ideas, and fails to be considerate of my ideas, ridiculing my ideas in favor of other people's ideas. So I try to point out the source of the opposing ideas, and ask my wife to evaluate the surce of the ideas, and work out an apporach that will be considerate of my ideas.

If your husband is still coming home at night, there may be some chance to keep going. Let your husband know what your important wishes are, and help to create an atmosphere in which your needs can be met. Perhaps you can demonstrate a more sustained effort toward making things work, over time.

Best wishes

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Thanks for giving me things to think about. This whole thing just came up last week, so I can't answer many of the questions. I do know there are lots of issues for him - and sometimes he talks about issues, while other times he says I'm not the "person he wants to live with" and that it's a "personality thing" - whatever that means.

I did make an appointment for individual counseling (waiting list of 1 month to get in - thanks alot!) - but thought if I could get him to go to joint counseling we could get a 3rd party to provide insight to help him decide if it was worth trying or not. He doesn't think it is possible that we can make the changes necessary, and I'm just not ready to accept that answer based on HIS personal opinion.

If he doesn't want to make the effort, that's another deal - I know I can't make him. But he has wanted counseling in the past when I was not open to it, and has been waffling about it even now, so I sense he's not 100% sure about closing doors.

I have had bad couseling experiences in the past, and have been distrustful of the process. My position (in the past, not now) was that it would be worse to spend weeks or months getting bad help than no help at all. Now there is nothing more to lose.

Dear Wife for Counseling,

What the hell is a personality thing?

I would let your heart decide when it is over. Work Plan A and Plan B. Try to use the 180 Degree concept as a partial plan B.

I do not believe that counselors are valuable because they have good advice. They are vauable whether their advice is good or bad.

When they give bad advice, it brings up a subject which is pertinent to the marriage, that needs to be improved.

I feel that when the counselor gives bad advice, it is an opoprtunity for me to unload on the counselor. I criticize the bad advice, as politely as I can, but very directly.

A counselor said to me, "Well why don't you give your wife your checkbook for a week, and see how it works out?" My wife would promise to keep up the bills, but they invariabley fell behind, or dates got droped out. I replied, "Why don't you give her YOUR checkbook for a week, and see how that works out." The counselor dropped the subject. If your husband shows up, scream at the counselor. I made it a rule to never directly criticize my wife in a session.

Have you found out who he finds attractive? Match her hair color.

Best of luck, either way,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: Cavegirl9 ]</small>