I love my husband very much, but I am somewhat displeased with all the things he would do for me when we got married and now I know none of it is true and asked him about all those things and he said it was just talk. Well I figure you can't have everything in life no. But you see know we are expecting a baby we are very happy, but he said he is going to decide everything that has do with the baby and I don't think that's fair, he even wants the baby to have his father's last name and mother's last name and I told him that now right and that's not how it is. I am so semi-happy with my marriage but yet I love him so much, but I don't like that everything has to be done his way. I support myself he hardly buys me anything I have to pay half for everything. I don't know what to do I do pray a lot for him to change. But I just don't like his ways. Please advise me Thank you

Hi bella,
Welcome to MB. I just wanted to let you know that you've found a really good place to talk about your marriage and find ways to improve what you have. There's lots of wonderful reading material on this site. Click here to get started.

My father always told me life is not fair. Unfortunately, I think he's right. But, that doesn't mean that things cannot be a lot better for you. I think a main area of interest for you will be POJA...keep an eye out for that. Basically, you and your husband shout be using the Policy of Joint Agreement to make all decisions. A decision should not be made without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. You are obviously far from that right now. Hopefully, you will be able to incorporate POJA into your marriage, but you will likely have to face some sensitive issues of power and control first.

Start reading. Weekends are slow and we're heading into a long weekend, so don't get frustrated if you don't get too many responses. Things will pick back up on Tuesday. You may need to post in a more active forum like Emotional Needs.

Take care,
Smile

Dear Belladama,

My wife likes to make decisions on some issues that I feel I should have more say in, and that fairness could arrive at other outcomes. Basically, I feel that my wife is too selfish on some issues.

POJA, Policy of Joint Agreement is that for as many deicisions in the marriage as possible, that you discuss things with your spouse, and keep discussing them until you arrive at a decision that has enthusiastic support from both of you.

I have asked my wife to take one person a day and explain POJA to them, and just discuss the concept, and how she is trying to appy POJA to our marriage.

I have talked to my mother about it. My wife and our daughter. Certainly I have not achieved full POJA on everything, but it is a good goal, that I rcommend to you. There may be something that you are doing without POJA. You might make a list of all the things that you do without POJA. Then you might take one or two, and start working toward more POJA yourself. I have not gotten my wife to agree on the type of drier I want to buy, so I have been hanging clothes up to dry on plastic hangers, and saving electricity. I have been waiting 6 months for POJA.

Smile a Day may have included this in her references, but in MB Articles, there is a section on setting the mood before trying to bring up issues to negotiate with your spouse.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling