hi just wondering if anyone can help me understand my man.
we love each other very much and live together in a committed defacto relationship and have done so for two years. we have known each other romantically for four and a half years.
he feels that marriage is not necessary and things are great the way they are.
i was married for 23 years = probably 3 happily but that is a long story.
i love this man far far more than i ever could my x husband and am so grateful that we have found each other.
he has been married twice (to the same woman) and has also had a defacto relationship which produced children twice.
i suppose if he had never married i would understand that that is how he feels. that he just does not agree with marriage.
however, he did marry.
i can not stop taking the thought that he will not marry me as the concept that he does not consider me as good as she was.
i do not consider myself worthy or he would ask me to marry him.
at one point in his life, marriage must have meant a great deal to him.
the defacto relationship he was in which happened inbetween marrying the same woman twice, they had planned to also marry, so to me, all relationships he has had, marriage played a thought or action in them.
so i do not understand why our relationship is vetoed from marriage automatically without him considering it at all , even though, now, he does recently know that i would like to marry him.
another problem is my surname.
i still have my x husband's name and hate it.
my alternative is to change back to my birth name which would be o.k. but i would love to have the same name as my man.
he said that i could change my name by depoll but only after i asked him
he has not mentioned it again so i gather he does not think much of it.
i do not feel a unit of a family unless we share a name together.
what does anyone think and has anyone had a similar experience?
thanks.

I had a similar situation that began with the subject of marriage specifically not being a priority for him that I interpreted as me not being a priority either. We have been engaged since last xmas and no date or further discussions have taken place in respect to following through on the proposal. I feel that he felt obligated to propose and was not completely confident in his decision and perhaps your man having experienced 3 strike outs, he may be a little ring-shy as well. I too have wondered how my fiance could marry his crazy ex-wife when I know that I am more competent and compatible with him than she ever was. I also know that the more pressure he feels, the more that he tends to back away. Patience they say is a virtue and marriage should be a lifelong committment, if there are any reason for one to hesitate, perhaps it's a sign to not ignore.

Hi Mirror & Julz,

You are 100% right: if he thought you were worthy of marriage he would make sure to marry you. He does not. Now what are you going to do? IT DOES NOT MATTER WHY HE FEELS THIS WAY. You must find someone who values you enough to marry. This guy is damaged goods.

I know that if he marries and he's not 100% for it, he'll use it later. 'but i really didnt want to get married... I tried to tell you'.

Do you want to be married? If yes, you've got to move on to a man who wants to get married.

How long are you going to wait?

I promise, I know a lady who's been living with her guy for 10 years. She has a ring, I always thought they were married. She sighed, said 'No, I'm still waiting for him to set a date'.

If he thinks you'll wait forever, then he will not value you. You are simply a 'maide-in-waiting'. He will not value you more than you value yourself.

You are not putting much value on yourself.

If you value yourself enough to leave him, he may take notice. But you should not blackmail him, just proceed with your life, which includes looking for a husband.

AND, he's been married twice and had 2 kids out of wedlock??? Doesnt sound like a track record I'd want to invest in.

You've got his record AND you've got him saying NO. What more do you need? You certainly can do better, he doesnt sound like a prize. Just my 2cents. Good luck - Dru

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are 100% right: if he thought you were worthy of marriage he would make sure to marry you. He does not.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to disagree with this statement. I think it is very possible that he loves you deeply, but no longer believes in the institution of marriage. After all, it as failed him twice (or he has failed it). If you think that the divorce rate is high in this country, take a look at the divorce rate for second and third time marriages. They are higher.

After my father remarried and divorced, he pledged to never marry, again. He has been dating his high school sweetheart (an incredible woman who is very good for him) for several years now, but he will never marry her. He believes that he failed twice and is not willing to fail, again. He believes that this is his problem and it has nothing to do with how much he loves her.

So, I think there is a decent chance that your BF will never consider marriage, again. I can't help but to also think that this is a very wise decision if he no longer values marriage as a lifelong commitment. How could he value it that way if it has already been proven to him that it isn't a lifelong commitment?

You may very well believe marriage to be important for completely different reasons and you may very well never be able to change his belief.
I personally don't think that this means you should leave him in search of a man who is willing to marry. I think you should respect his decision.

BTW, did he tell you WHY he does not want to marry?

Just as you may feel that if he loves you enough, he should marry you, he may feel that if you love him enough, you'll share lives without the ceremony and paperwork. Either way, you certainly should not push him. You don't want him giving into pressure when he really doesn't want to be married. And you don't want the pressure to drive him away despite a healthy, happy relationship.

Smile

thank you all for your replies......i am very touched that you cared enough
i have actually been helped quite a lot to accept my beautiful man's opinion and life decision about marriage through your answers
i will never leave him
i believe we have been together in lives before this one and our bond is huge
we have had to hurdle huge obstacles to get to each other and so our relatonship as it is today is a miracle and i know he loves me very much so all that leaving stuff s irrelevant for me
i have found my true love it was just getting through the turmoil and the worry when i don't listen to my heart occassionally and so analyze everything to death
my past relationship (unfortunately marriage) has influenced my insecurity hugely too you see
anyhow, iwill endeavour to accept his thoughts and tell myself it is not that i am not worthy and perhaps it is the opposite
perhaps he feels me so worthy that he doesn't want to wreck anything by the marriage contract thing
of course positive thoughts create our reality so i will not stop wanting our names to be the same <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
thank you again............xx