Hi as most of you know I was also not very successful in saving my marriage. I know in my heart it was not because I didn't try.<BR>Do I still want it to work. Of course. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink".<BR>Any way here is my situation. STBX wants joint custody of our 12 year old son. I want sole custody. My reason, My H is living on the other side of the US. Therefore he does not see our son on a regular basis. Has very little contact with him via phone, now twice a week. <BR>My idea of joint custody is being INVOLVED on a continuing basis. Who are his friends, what is he doing, talking to teachers and medical personal when required. My son being able to call his dad anytime he just wants to talk. (H has not provided us with address or phone #) I asked why he wanted joint custody his reply" My attorney said I would be taken out of the loop and would have no rights to him) <BR>He has taken himself out of the loop, moving out of state, not calling, etc. you get the picture.<BR>I think if he wants to be involved in our sons life he should BE involved, just not say he wants to be involved. <BR>I know H believes in my ability to raise son alone. I also know that our son needs a father to be there for him. His own father. Not someone that may or may not come into our lives later down the road.<BR>I know that H reasons for moving so away are job related,( that is what he said) but that should not stop him from being in constant contact. Especially now with e-mail, phone, pagers, etc. <BR>I have not and will never keep our son from his father. I just don't want to be required to wait until he replies (on his time frame)<BR>to concerns or decisions regarding school or medical decisions. I know emergencies are different. I'm talking about day to day stuff. <BR>H I believe sees this as me trying to keep him from his son. I see it as I was left alone with this responsibility and should be allowed to continue as I see fit, without input from H.<BR>Yet I don't want to hurt my H. It's hard to keep hurting those you love. <BR>I know what he has done and continues to do has hurt so many people and I don't want this to continue after the D.<BR>Please your thoughts or ideas will be appreciated. I want this to be a win-win situation for all of us. Especially in the best interest of our son.<BR>Tyra

First off, there is two kinds of custody. Physical and legal. Both can be sole or joint. In my state, usually one parent has sole physical custody (meaning the kids live with them the majority of the time and the other parent has visitation), and legal is almost always, always shared. All that means is that the parent without sole custody can still attend conferences, receive school records and has a right to his or hers medical records etc.... If your stbx is still involved with his son even if it is just over the phone or the computer, I think joint legal would be a good thing. It makes him feel better. Like my attorney said, "It's like throwing him a bone". I think for the best interest of your son though, sole physical custody should be with you. You can't share physical custody very well if your not living really close. Same school dist. etc...

Tyra,<P>My x and I have shared parenting(probably joint where you are). What that means is that whenever the kids are with either one of us, then that parent has the responsibility for the child. I am the residential parent which means they live with me.<P>In sole custody, I would have all the repsonsibilities(sure seems like I do now! ). The only drawback that I see is that I can't move the kids out of state without her approval and vice versa.<P>I keep threatening to seek sole custody when I am angry at her, but she would still have visitation, court mandated anyway, so I see no real advantage to having sole custody at thsi point.<P>It is probably like your L says, it throws them a bone. Maybe you can use it as a negotiating point for something else you want/need.<P>Bob

I am so confused today. <BR>I want H to have a relationship with our son, but at the same time I want H to have a relationship with me too. <BR>I guess it's my way of saying you don't want me you can't have him. Very selfish on my part... H doesn't think he has been a good father. I know different. <BR>Help me let go of this and do the right thing for my son's sake and not my own.<BR>I hate feeling this way...<BR>I think my H has and is punshing himself for his actions, past and present. I don't want to keep this cycle of you did this so I'll do that. I feel like this is a tug of war, and both of us are going to end up in the MUD PIT. Not a pretty site.....

I have primary custody and he has visitation. I take care of most of the day to day issues. She sees him every other weekend and 2 times on the off weeks. <P>So far so good. I agree with the other that it is more of a legal term than anything. Although child support issues might come up based on the wording. If you rely on child support then you might clarify the legal terms before accepting anything.<P>RWD, My lawyer absolutely refused to agree on me signing a document that keeps me in state. She said that she would end up going back to court if I did. My h agreed to take this statement out of the settlement. I would never move the kids away if I could possibly help it, but I refuse to stay tied down because of somthing I signed months before.<P>GP

Hey Limerick, you commented about your ex trying to have a statement in your divorce papers about your not being able to move out of state. Get this! My ex tried to have it put in there that I could not move out of the little County that we live in! Of course he never got that but he sure tried. We do live by him though (2 miles away) and you can count on your hands how much he's seen them in the past couple of years!

The moving out of state part of mine is ordered by the Domestic Relations Court in my county and I'm assuming in the rest of the state of Ohio. This is an automatic part of the Shared Parenting Plan.<P>I understand what you are saying about the kids having a relationship with their other parent. I want my kids to have a relationship with their mother, just not with om around and she has not done that and seems unwilling too.<P>X called the kids tonite,the first time since last Fri night. She is in Fl at om's mothers.<BR> I think they went on a cruise as she didn't call all week. This is her weekend to work, so she probably won't see them till Tues or Wed, almost two weeks ! What kind of relationship is that<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited March 30, 2000).]

Hi all,<P>I just wish the leavers would understand how hard it is on the kids not seeing them. My h disappeared for a year when we seperated, he is finally taking some responsibility with them and slowly, slowly, things are getting easier for the children. I think it was harder on my 18 year old than my 9 year old. But she is a happy child now and I know it is cause Im a happy mom!

Custody is a legal term. I have by circumstance full custody (de facto...he left and the kids have lived with me, not him)of the kids (he denies this and tells all it is jointBUT is not involved in any adult like decision making regarding their welfare and education. He sees them as visitation is worked out, but does not know(!) that it takes more than this to be a dad!<P>So, as I do not believe he knows how to put the kids best interests before his own to make parental decisions, I do not care what he states to "feel good." If he ACTS on this aspect of the kids life in a way that has an impact I will fight him for sole custody. <P>How can he know how to make decisions regarding their lives when he is so messed up himself and never invested in taking responsibility for the kids welfare as "this was my job".<P>I was told that there is no such thing as joint custody...it is like toddlers parralel play, when the other parent just does not get it and cannot put the kids first. I do believe if both parents can communicate regarding the kids it can work. My H refuses to communicate with me and I have no need to ask him for anything as I just make all the decisions myself as I always really have done (even though we used to discuss these things, I used to instigate what needed to be done, get his input, make decisions and do what had to be done. I have just taken him out of the picture. If he wanted to know and be "involved" he has been told on many occasions to call me, but he will not

Willbok,<BR>That pretty much mirrors my situation. The last minute stuff of yesterday, has me feeling like going back to the lawyer and having the visitation schedule drawn up formally. That way, she will either visit the kids when she is assigned or she will miss the visitation that week. She seems to be able to get what days off she wants now(she was never able to do that when we were married!) and its never when I have anything scheduled.<P>Bob

This is my first post here. I have lurked for quite a while. My husband left back in Sept. I found his lovers shirt in his luggage. (She is married, lives in Chicago, had a liver transplant 5yrs ago.) He met her at his 30yr. high school reunion. I am almost 13yrs. younger than them. We've been married 11yr. and have a 9yr old son. I filed in Dec. he has asked me to stop it a couple of times. Only to want it started up a week later. My son and I have been living a nightmare. He trashed our house when I found out about affair. He is on probation for a year for this. I want sole custody of our son. He shows daily how unstable he is. My attny. (we're in AZ) says I have a snowballs chance in he!! of getting this. My husband sees our son but, blows him off whenever something better comes up. (He didn't call on Thanksgiving or Christmas). He goes up to Chicago once a month to see her for a couple days. Her husband just found out 2 weeks ago. Sorry so long but this is a crazy story. I dont want OW around my son at all! I've been told she wont live that many more years because of transplant and will get very sick before she dies. My son should not have to be around all of this! He doesnt want to meet her or have anything to do with her! Does anyone know if this situation would be considered by the court? Oh, and they plan on moving to Florida this June to spend the summer together to see if this is true love! Then she is back to chicago to teach school and keep her health ins. H plans on staying in Fla. Sorry I've gone on so long! Could use some support and advice!

Tyra<P>In my state, joint means that both parents share in major decisions, college, health, etc. Sole means its just that one parent's right. I think possibly joint also shares the tax ramifications of who claims the kids.<P>In your case, I feel you deserve Sole custody. Its not a matter of hurting H. Its a matter of protecting your son. Like someone said, he can still go to functions, and he will NOT be taken out of the loop.<P>If and when your ex ever becomes a more reliable involved dad, then he can always go for joint. Its all in the paperwork really. He can get joint from you, but what will it really give him?? <P>If you go for joint, please indicate that you want him responsible for COLLEGE, orthodontics, and any other large incurred debts you may get. (I think you add this into the support order. <P>Its only my opinion, but if the spouse wants to have joint custody, theres a lot that goes with it. Theres more to being a dad, then a title on custody papers and sending a check once in a while and an occasional phone call. That type of parent has no right to joint custody.<P>Good luck, I remember seeing you on the other forum. Sorry to hear you feel you didn't try hard enough.<P>I can relate to that at times. Good luck with this situation and keep us updated. Only listen to your attorney not your H on the legal stuff. MY STBX tells me a lot of stuff that I find out after, is not true at all.<P>Dana<BR>

Lonelymom,<BR>I said I know it's not because I didn't try.<BR>I feel that I did all that I could. It takes two to save a marriage. H is not interested or maybe he doesn't think it can be done. I don't know, never the less I am trying to move on.<BR>I wrote my stbx and told him why I felt I didn't wanted joint custody. I asked him to please tell me why he wants joint custody and what does it mean to him to have joint custody.<BR>I asked him to convince me "Why" joint would be in the best interest of our son.<BR>It's been 5 days, and I haven't heard from him at all. <BR> <BR>