Women, if you are out having an affair on your husband and you decide that you are no longer IN LOVE and you want a divorce, why not tell the man the truth. My wife assures me that she is NOT having an affair, yet all of the logic and facts point that way. If I already suspect it and am trying to deal with it, why won't she be honest and admit to the affair? If there's going to be a divorce, why not tell the truth? Does that just take the excitement out of it? Would proof from a PI prove make her admit it?

It is possible that she is no longer in love in the conventional sense, but does not want a divorce. It may also be true that she is being faithful. It will not help your marriage to browbeat and accuse. Nothing you say or do will force her to stop having an affair, if that is what she is doing. What you will be doing is killing off the remainder of any good feelings she may have about you and your marriage, especially if she has been faithful.<P>Read up on "lovebusters" on Dr. Harley's page here and try to avoid them. You can't force her to be faithful if she is having an affair. You can't force her to be honest. All you can do is be the absolute best husband you can be and someone worthy of her love and hope she comes around.

Jay,<P>I never cheated on my husband, much less anyone for that matter. The only thing I do know, is that IF there is an affair, yes, the secrecy of it makes it all the more exciting to them. <P>She may be having an affair, but then again, without proof, you can't be too sure. There are different types of affairs, physical and emotional. <P>Read all you can on the marriage builders website. You can read Private Lies by Dr. Pittman, that has some good insight on a different level. <P>If you want this marriage, then ask her to see a counselor with you. Don't wait until its too late. If you discover she is having an affair, try the Plan A. <P>Its hard when you just don't know. But there are signs that do point to an affair without the help of a PI. There have been posts about this on the general questions board, or you could post one yourself. <P>I agree, accusing her, isn't a positive thing either way. If she's having one, she's having one, but if she's not, then your really in the dog house!!!<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Jayhawk,<P>First, please don't be offended by what I'm going to say... this was what happend to me....<P>My X's 1st w cheated on him... he caught her in bed w/OM. This still creates a HUGE trust issue with him, and combined with his manic depression, caused/causes problems.<P>My X used to ask me if he was the only one (meaning at the time) sometimes. Then, about 3 1/2 years ago, he started asking it all the time. (I should mention, we had been married for almost 4 years then, he caught 1st w right before their 4th anniversary). When I say all the time I mean every time we were intimate, sometimes repeatedly. Later he started asking other times... watching TV, going out to dinner, when I was getting ready for work... etc.<P>It got to the point where I dreaded making love, because I knew he would begin asking me if I was cheating on him. Talk about a mood killer! It was horrible to be repeatedly questioned/accused of something I was NOT doing. <P>In my X's mind, no matter what I did, no matter what I said, he was convinced I was just like his 1st w, and that I was cheating too. He twisted things to support his beliefs. <P>Then, his proof positive I was having an affair was that I got pregnant and miscarried (2 times). He believes that he is not able to have kids. This devistated me beyond belief, because I have always wanted children, and he said he did too. <P>Ok, to make a long story short... <BR>My X accused me so much, and treated me so bad because he believed I was having an affair, that I finally did go outside our marriege for emotional support. It was so nice to have a friend (who was 1200 miles away) to talk to and to have him want to talk to me (no accusations, no fighting). Honestly, all I wanted was a friend to build me up, but I could have turned into so much worse.<P>Now I know that my X was having an emotional affair or "friendship" with a co-worker, that may or may not have been physical. It destroyed our marriage. But, I had on several occassions thought about leaving (before any "friends" entered the picture) because I was so unhappy because of my X's constant accusations, and lack of trust.<P>Dana mentioned some books & Plan A.... I suggest the book His Needs/Her Needs (available on this site), and asking your W to do the worksheets with you.<P>Ok, I'm done now... I hope it helps. <P>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

[<BR>How do you know your wife is having an affair...and not to be smart, but what's love got to do with it? What is she doing that prompted you into thinking she is having an affair? That's a strong accusation with no proof. Most of the time people have affairs for all kinds of reasons; those reasons being their needs were not being met. Do you know what your W's needs are and are you meeting them? She may love you very much, but you are leaving her empty in the emotional department. It would be easy if the reason for every affair was because one spouse didn't love the other...but people are far more complex than that and so are relationships.<P> <BR>

In my heart, I do not beleive that she is having an affair, at least not a physical one. My wife has been VERY flat through this entire ordeal. This coming from a woman who usually cries at the drop of a hat. From the few concrete things she has said, I know that I have not been meeting her emotional needs. But since she didn't express this to me until she moved out and asked for the divorce, how am I suppose to grow and learn to express myself? I have started working on it through books and therapy and it really isn't that hard, but she isn't giving this or me a chance. The only time I have gotten any tears out of her is when she has seen me crying, something she only saw twice in the last 6-1/2 years. I have decided to back off her completely and just wait for her to make the next few contacts, but that might never happen. I am hoping that she will start missing me, but I can only assume that SOMEONE is fulfilling her emotional needs at this point or she wouldn't have been in such a hurry to move out.