My wife and I have had a very difficult marriage from the start.<BR>We got married in high school and were expecting a baby at the end of that year. We were very young but I felt like we were really in love. The marriage was fine for about six months then things went down hill.<BR>Our sex life went from sex twice a day to sex once every two weeks. This put an emotional strain on me because I felt that it was a big part of our relationship. We also had horrible communication skills. I then turned to pornography as a sexual relief. In most cases when I looked at the women I would fantasize about my wife. Once she caught me she was very upset, thinking that she was not meeting my needs. I tried to explain to her that I was doing that so I wouldn't bother her about sex as often. It went on for awhile but I finally grew out of it and just faced the facts. That was almost three years ago and she still as never forgave me for it even though I didn't do it anymore.<BR>Our problems didn't start there. Even before we were married she was always very closed up emotionally and sexually, but after the pornography she closed up even more. This as always bothered me and I tried everything I could to help. I would tell her how good she looked but she would just laugh at me. She thought that I just said good things but didn't mean them. After awhile I stopped saying anything positive to her because she would always just laugh. <BR>We finally got to the point were we didn't even talk to each other because we didn't know what to say. <BR>The next phase of our relationship I can't really explain. One day out of nowhere we were fighting and I hit her. We overlooked that but it happened again. I moved out and we were separated for about 7 months. I went to counseling and thought the problem was solved. We moved back in together and were as happy as we could be. We went on vacation and it felt like a second honeymoon. Everything was fine for about six months but the abuse happened again. I left again but this time we both accepted responsibility and we both went to marriage counseling and I went to anger counseling. After a few months of marriage counseling I realized that the only reason we were going was to hear them tell the other person that they were wrong. We eventually stopped going but we felt that my temper had improved and that our communication had improved. Then it got bad. For some reason we went from good to bad for almost no reason. I stopped talking to her and taking care of our son. I started drinking and all I cared about were my friends. I told here I hated her and wanted a divorce. She didn't agree. Then she started acting the same way about two months later. We were still apart and hardly ever talked. I was still paying all of our bills, but that was almost the only thing keeping us together. Out of the blue one day she called me and said I need you to sing the divorce papers. She had called my bluff and did it. I was all the sudden humbled. I was scared that I was fixing to lose everything. I begged and pleaded and told her I would change anything to save our marriage. I tried, I stopped hanging out with friends, I started keeping our son, I cleaned her house, I bought marriage books (and read them). I felt like I could do it and that I needed her. She wouldn't back down. Finally, she decided to cancel the divorce. I moved back in and everything was close to normal. We had both matured a lot and I had learned to control my temper tremendously. The only thing that was that she was in her last year of nursing school and that put a lot of stress on us. I was working to jobs and was never home. She then became so focused on school I felt like she forgot about me. As it was I was never home and when I was she didn’t even want to be with me because she had to study. I can understand that but all I wanted was to spend a little time with her. After a few months of this it got to the point that when I got off work late I would just go out drinking. The drinking was getting worse and I was very depressed because I felt that she didn’t love me at all. One night we went our drinking. It was the first time we had been out in almost nine months. I think there was a lot of tension between us. When we got home we got in a fight. The next thing I know I had hit her. Then the neighbors heard us arguing and called the police. They came to the house and gave me the option to leave but I told them that I needed to go to jail for what I had done. I spent three days in jail.<BR>It has been up and down hill since then. At first she told me that I just needed to pay all my bills and get counseling and when she saw an improvement she would consider starting over. I stopped drinking the day I got out of jail and have changed a lot in my life. For the first time in three years I am looking to God for help. It has been over two months since all this happened. But my wife went from believing we could eventually work everything out to filling a divorce. <BR>I just need help I am deeply in love with her and don’t want to lose her and my son. She says there are no hard feelings between us but I know deep down inside she hates me. She said she still wanted to hangout and do things together, but I am not sure I could be around her just as friends. Some people say she is just testing me to see if I will follow through with my plan. But I am afraid I will lose her forever. I know I have done some horrible things. She says she still loves me and will always love me and always be there for me. I think thought that in six months she won’t even care about me at all. She would be the type to find someone else just to be happy. She says she wants to be alone forever but I know she is just saying that.<BR>Somebody please help me!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER!!!!!!<P>Jason Malone <P>

Jason,<P>Well, it sounds tough. But if you are looking to God you can expect great things. I am not saying that it will be easy or that you will actually get her back, but God has a good plan for you.... to give you hope and a future.<P>I hope you are still in counseling re: your anger and the abuse both of your wife and alcohol. These take time to recover from and you will need the guidance when you get back with her, not to fall into the familiar patterns. I had a problem with violence myself, so I speak from experience. <P>As far as your wife is concerned, it will be tough for her to learn to love you again. You are probably right that she hates you -- but the truth is she probably loves you too. It is tough for her as well. I am glad to hear you own up to your responsibility re: the abuse... and it is NOT her fault.<P>One thing you may not want to hear...she may learn to love you again, but the unequivocal trust she had in you at one time is gone. She will learn to trust you. But there will always be part of her that shrinks from it. This does not mean that your marriage cannot be even better than it ever was before. But, if you can live with that, then there is no turning back.<P>One more thing -- be sure of what you want. My STBX wanted out, out, out, until I truly left and he knew it was over. Now he hounds me day and night, but he has not changed his ways. He just wants things back to what they used to be. I cannot go back to that. I understand her feeling (if it is her feeling) to see the change be real and lasting. I mean, you guys tried to get back before. How is this time REALLY different? That will take time.<P>If you don't mind, I will be praying for you, that God will give you His mind in this matter. I know He loves you and wants the very best both for you and the rest of your family.

Jason,<P>I had to think about this for a while before I could reply. <P>So many things you have said, I have gone through and your story was a hard one to read. <P>For starters, I wasn't married in highschool but just turned 18 when I had my first daughter. We waited many years to get married, 7. Looking back, we both know we made a lot of mistakes. Even though I was mature beyond my years back then, I still didn't know about relationships.<P>We dealt with his drug, alcohol and other abuses. His problem was more with emotional abuse, but a few times it became physical.<P>I don't doubt that you love your wife very much. It is obvious by your story.<P>Being on the receiving end, I would probably agree with Nora on much of what she said. Believe it or not, she probably does still love you deep down. <P>There are some positives, she has agreed to "hang out" once in a while. "No hard feelings" is just an expression and we can't control our self conscience thoughts, but maybe she truly can move past this SOME day but you have a lot of work ahead of you.<P>Some of what you said, I can actually relate to now, in a different situation in my life. I don't know that people test us, if they do, its not a nice thing to do to someone. Don't think so far ahead that in six months she'll hate you. <P>This is something I am working on myself. Learning patience. Have faith that there is a plan for you and no matter what you do, in the end, you'll wind up where your meant to be. Take each day one day at a time, and in the time your apart, work on YOU. Do the best you can to improve yourself , your life, and your problems so if and when you are lucky enough to get that possible final chance with her you will make her proud.<P>At least she is talking to you and has agreed to hang out. Be happy for a start. <P>Abuse is not a hard thing to get over. She will never trust completely again, and you will have to understand that and not hold it against her. It sounds like most of it occured while drinking. <P>Good luck with your journey, <BR>Sending a prayer, Dana<P>