H came home this weekend and I went on w/ my plans of going out w/ friends..and doing things without him..I asked him if he wanted to go he said no, I said okay and went anyway, he wasn't talking we sat here in silence when I was here or we fought, <BR>I had told him before what my needs were, one of which is a spiritual leader..he came back w/ YOU should have just married a preacher since thats what you want anyway..<BR>so what was the point in staying home?? NONE!! Because the kids didn't need to hear us fighting..<BR> Fast forward Monday morning..3 am when he got up to start getting ready for work..I had slept in the chair in living room because I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed w/ someone I really don't know..he woke me up and told me to go get in bed..I didn't..I got up got a cup of coffee and then he started up about what are we going to do<BR>about our marriage. I told him I can't work on the marriage right now, because I am working on healing from some past sexual, and<BR>emotional abuses and I can't work on both at<BR>the same time..and I told him that I have been doing a lot of thinking about ALL of my <BR>past relationships and what they have been like, including ours, and I don't trust HIM..<BR>He was like..what have I done that you don't trust me?? I was like..well..lets go back to when we first met..I had told you I didn't want a peticular type of relationship and you said you were okay w/ that..then you would manipulate, and guilt me into having what I said I didn't want..and you said you were okay with..and I wasn't emotionally strong enough to stand by my decision that it wasn't what I wanted..and then we didn't even date..you would just show up and stay, when you got tired you just went and got in MY bed..didn't say a word you just did it..you wouldn't talk to me..so I talked to my other friends..and then you got mad because I had other friends..you looked at us as MARRIED<BR>when we weren't..we didn't even know each other..and so he didn't trust me, because he felt "I" should feel married too..and then when we did get married, it was because I felt I couldn't tell him I didn't want that..<BR>I was looking at his relationship w/ my daughter..and not at OUR relationship and what we should have had to be married..he started pressuring again for me to decide on<BR>if we should get divorced or not..I just looked at him and said..If that is what you feel you need to do right now then fine..you do that..but right now..I need to work on allowing God to heal me..and I can't work on both, and the marriage WILL not work if I haven't dealt with the other..I had an appointment with my counselor and I got up to go and he was like what about the marriage..<BR>I looked at him and said..I have already told you do what YOU think you need to do for you<BR>because it's not important to me right now<BR>and I walked out the door..I came home and he<BR>was still here..still hadn't left to go to work..(and he should have been there at 6)<BR>we talked till about 2 pm before he finally went to work..and decided that it was best for him to not live here for now..and that we<BR>will try the dating thing..since we never dated before, and see if we actually like each other..and maybe learn to trust each other..and I told him not to expect sex, and not to pressure me right now in that area, but to treat me with respect and try to be my friend first..so we can maybe build that trust that has never been there..he said he's okay with this..and said that he would try to start looking for a job that he will be here in town all the time, and he would concentrate his efforts on his relationship with the kids for now. I don't trust him to do this but, I trust God..and right now thats<BR>all I can do..but we talked for about 8 hours..less the time I was gone and while the kids were up before they left for school..<P>I'll keep you posted on how it goes..<BR>

Thorned Rose<P>You have responded on my thread "...EARN THE RIGHT TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP" and I have observed that you are a believer in Christ.<P>I am wondering, since you want your husband to be the spiritual head (which he should); is he a Christian?<P>I know where you are at and as a man, having been separated from my wife for 4 years before the divorce (March of this year); I know the best thing your husband can do for you (and the marriage relationship)right now is to give you lots of time and space to heal.<P>This is what I did for my former wife...in fact months would go by and she wouldn't contact me. I literally left her alone.<P>We dated several times during the separation and at times, it looked like we would reconcile.<P>It is vital that you both be friends FIRST; this is something I only learned during my separation.<P>He needs to give you space and almost adopt the position of letting you contact/pursue him.<P>God is not interested in bringing 2 broken halves back together to make 1 whole; but rather He wants to bring 2 WHOLE people back together to make 1 COMPLETE WHOLE.<P>Also, consider the 3 stages/levels of a relationship: 1- Intimacy 2- Conflict 3- Withdrawal.<P>Once both parties have reached the withdrawl stage; it is impossible to return to Intimacy without going back through Conflict and working out what caused the conflict and withdrawal.<P>If your husband really wants to be reconciled with you, the best thing he can do is back off and not pressure you. In fact, he needs to work on his own issues.<P>[censored] from Texas

[censored], <P>Yes I did respond to your post..and yes, I am<BR>a christian..and H says he is..but they say <BR>you will know them by their fruits..and well<BR>he hasn't grown any since I have known him,<BR>even our daughter asked me if he is saved..<BR>I said, well, he says he is so I have to go on that..<P>and as far as he is concerned..He is fine there is nothing wrong with him..he doesn't need to change..I do! and I am, He just doesn't like the changes I am going through.<P>He hasn't been to church in I couldn't tell you how long, and this past weekend I had plans w/ a friend and kept them, and then he gets all mad saying 'well, I was going to suggest us going to church today but you have other plans' he didn't want to participate in the other plans..and He didn't go to church alone..which to me would have spoken VOLUMES right now..I'm sorry, I just don't want a man to go to church for me, I want one who will go with out me, one who loves the Lord and has the desire to go on their own..and not feel like I am the only reason they are there. He did that before we married, went to church, wouldn't go if I didn't go..wouldn't take a bible study class because we couldn't be in the same class, joined a single parents <BR>sunday school class when he wasn't a single parent, because I was there, and he didn't like my friendships with other men in the class..I look back at that..and can see how much of a spiritual babe in Christ I was..and lacked so much understanding about "being unequally yoked"..and I understand now that<BR>it just doesn't refer to non-believers but also to Christians who are so far apart spiritually..that one is mature and the other is still a babe and doesn't have the desire to grow anymore..it's like they think..okay <BR>I'm saved..I'll go to heaven no matter what..<BR>but they never grasp the joy and peace, and <BR>reality of a relationship with Jesus..and the closeness you can have with Him..something I am learning more and more everyday..as I allow Christ to heal me..

Thorned Rose<P>Until your husband is willing to take responsibility for his actions/issues as the head of his home......there will be no change.<P>Change must come from the head! For years, I had the mentality that "if my wife would submit to me, if my children would honor me, then, I would change".<P>I had the cart before the horse. God calls the man into accountability for the home, not the woman!<P>Also, I agree with you that being "unequally yoked" goes beyond the believer/un-believer scenario. I believe it can apply to 2 believers who aren't in the same 'zip code' so to speak.<P>I hate to hear your husband say he doesn't think anything is wrong with him, for I feel the greatest 'fruit' of Christian Maturity is when a man takes responsibility for his actions and quits blaming everyone/everything else.<P>[censored] from Texas

Dear ThornedRose,<P>I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I think that is the one thing I find common in most of these posts here - how sorry I am to see others going through what I am currently in. In your first post you mentioned something about abuse and healing yourself and not "trusting" your husband. If you are ok with it, I would like to ask you just a few questions. Maybe by anwswering them you could help me and your own situation as well. <P>You see my wife and I are in sort of a similar situation. 8 years ago, a few months after we met, she revealed to me that she had two sexual assault situations happen to her. While she did not go into any details (I still don't know who or what happened), I asked her to go talk with someone professional about it (she never did). I know that except for maybe a couple other people (no one in her family), I am the only one who knows about these incidents. I also know that she grew up in a house that while was "loving", there were some emotional abuses to her from her father.<P>Today we are seperated after four years of marriage. She is in her mid-twenties (I'm 29). I feel that these incidents may have something to do with our situation, but can't be postitive (and don't want to place the "blame" on those incidents). Not knowing what it feels like to go through that, I don't know what to do to help (or if I can). She too told me she can't trust me anymore (not infidelity wise but as a whole), and I can't understand why. She also said that she needs to heal herself. What does that mean? Does it mean that she does not need me anymore? Why isn't it possible to work on a marriage and yourself at the same time? Don't take me wrong here, I really just can't understand that from a "guy's" perspective (we're not the sharpest tools in the shed sometimes!).<P>She is pushing for a divorce, but can not even bring herself to say the word "divorce" (she has never said it). I am a very religious person and want to help her and our marriage. I love her so much and would do anything for her. My question to you is: What do you want/need from your husband right now? What would make you trust him again? And for me - Do I just give up on my wife and move on? How can I show her that it is not me being selfish to want to save our marriage, but rather that I believe in her and in us and that I love her unconditionally and am willing to give her "time"?<P>She has also mentioned guilt and manipulation by me in our relationship. In our situation, I can't say that I ever tried on purpose or for extended periods of time to "manipulate" her. I truly believe that what I saw as negotions, she saw as manipulation. It may be the case in your situation. Your husband may only have been doing what he saw as right. He might not have been trying to manipulate you, but you may be viewing it like that based upon your past experiences. Maybe you should go back and revisit what you see as "manipulation" and try to see it from his perspective - maybe in his eyes it was not his objective at all. Maybe he just needs to learn a different way of communicating with you - one that is fair to both of you. Explaining to him that while what he does/did(and said) may be OK for him, it was/is not for you and that maybe he can approach things in a way where you both can "win".<P>Again I am so sorry for where you are at. Men have such a hard time understanding sexual and emotional abuse issues and what women are feeling. Keep that in mind when dealing with your husband. My advice is to try to come up with some analogies to convey to him how you are feeling (men do well in understanding when presented this way to them). In any case, I will say a prayer for you.<P>(For the my whole story see the post - "How long")

<BR>Sotired2000,<P> Don't push her to counseling..it won't help..she has to be ready to face whatever happened to her, and apparently she's struggling w/ that now..since she feels she<BR>needs to heal..something I would recommend your doing since you don't know how to help<BR>her, is to READ!!! And see if there is a local church in your area who has a support<BR>group for those who are married to or know those who have been sexually abused..<P>One book that I would highly recommend for you to read is "The Wounded Heart, Hope for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse"<BR>by Dr. Dan B. Allender..it's not just for<BR>those who were sexually abused as children, <BR>but for most anyone who has been abused..<BR>it will help you to understand the dynamics of what someone who has been emotionally or sexually abused deals w/ internally..<BR> feeling shame, powerlessness, guilt, betrayed, abandoned, ambivalence, fear, <BR>self-contempt, just to name a few...<P> For me, it has been more intense, because the sexual abuse started at such a young age and continued into my teenage years..and it was someone I was supposed to learn trust from..my father..so the other things were more intense..because I didn't trust my own judgement in trusting someone..because I am supposed to trust this person..yet..he hurt me at the core of who I was..I felt betrayed<BR>and betrayal..my father betrayed me..and I by 'protecting him' betrayed my mother because<BR>I was made to be the "other woman" in my fathers life..your powerless to stop them and you live in fear that if someone finds out then YOU will be blamed..not just for the abuse happening..but will they believe you??<BR>if he goes to jail WHO will support the family?? everyone would blame me for taking the financial support away from the family..<BR>your ashamed of what happened..so you don't want anyone to know...yet you want them to know so that it can stop..guilt, because in one way it feels good, (sexual pleasure should feel good, it's a God given feeling)<BR>yet, it shouldn't feel good when your dad of all people touch you there..which adds more shame..more guilt, more powerlessness, more fear..more..more..more..and the longer that goes on and the longer you live in silence you suffer alone..but who can you trust??<BR>Who can you tell?? You'd rather just live in silence to protect the 'family' and suffer alone so you don't have to be blamed..whats the old saying..it's better for one to suffer<BR>than for everyone to suffer...thats how you feel..I'd rather just me hurt than to make everyone else hurt..I wouldn't want to inflict this pain on anyone else..so I'll just keep silent..how much longer can it go it on?? as soon as I'm old enough I'm outta here anyway..and HE'LL NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!!<BR> If it was a family friend who abused her, or a date rape type situation..then she'll still feel the these things..<P>Mine wasn't just sexual it was also verbal..to how I thought about myself as a person. Like my father used to make us walk in front of him naked so he could check out<BR>our 'bodies' so it makes you feel as if your body defines who you are..not whats inside..not anything else..Your just your body..so when a man makes a comment about how pretty you are..they are usually refering to the outward..and not the inward..so it triggers these emotions inside..like my husband tells me I'm beautiful..but it's always things like..oh you have such a beautiful body, you are so sexy..you are this..it makes me feel dirty..makes me feel as if that is ALL he see's..(and I have explained this to him) and then my father also drank..as does my husband..and the smell of the beer triggers these things also..when my husband comes up to me and starts to hug me and rub his hands on my body..and I smell this beer it's repulsive..because it triggers <BR>those memories of my dad's drunkeness..and his running his hands over me..(I have also explained this to my husband, but all he says is I'm NOT your father, which is true..but w/ the way he smells reaking of beer..he may as well be) yet he still drinks..which shows me he doesn't respect me or my feelings..<P>Don't tell her that she should 'just get over it all ready' because these things go to the core of who she is..and she has to face those things to heal..she'll have to stop pushing her feelings aside, and face them..all the pain the shame the guilt everything..she has to be able to admit she feels these things<BR>so she can feel anything at all..she needs to get angry at the abuser/s for what they did to her..and know that it's okay to hate what they did to her..this was something that I have a hard time w/ I could angry that someone else was being abused...but I couldn't get angry that it happened to me..because "I wasn't important" how I felt wasn't important, and my husband has made me feel this way all throughout our relationship..and I never faced it..until recently..I can't put all the blame on him..nor can I put it all on the abuse..I have to take responsiblility also..that I was so terrified to admit that a crime had been commited against me..that I denied the damage it had done internally..If I admitted that <BR>what my father had done to me was a crime..that would make him a criminal, and if I feel that this other person who abused whoever deserves to be sent to jail for their crime..then I'd have to admit the same thing about this man I love because he is my father..<P>So many ppl say just get over it..and you can't just get over it..they say..leave it at the cross..well..if you truely take it to the cross to allow Christ to heal you..then you have to go back and face it all so that you can learn to feel..because you learned all your life what you felt didn't matter..so you pushed those feelings aside as if they didn't exist..and when something happens to trigger them you either face them or push them aside again..and again deny the feelings that God gave you to feel..<P>I hope this helps you to understand just a little bit of the dynamics of abuse..be it emotional, physical, verbal, sexual..and maybe help you to understand that giving your wife time would help..<P>I'd say be there for her when she needs to talk..don't force her to talk..but listen..and just hug her and hold her make her feel safe..don't rub her body when you hold her, just hold her in your arms and let her know it's okay..and that your there for her..If you tell her your going to do something..then do it..that will help build the trust up also..don't tell her that you'll do the dishes and then you sit there for an hour watching tv..knowing that your going to go to bed after the show is over..get up and do them..it's the little things you say you'll do and you do them that will actually speak volumes to her..if you have kids and want to take her to dinner or something, then you could make the babysitting arraingments<BR>and if your seperated..then you can pick the kids up and take her home..and let her have some time alone..and you take the kids w/ you for the evening..that way she'll know you didn't just want the sex...it will help build that trust back up...these are things I have discussed w/ my husband..but he doesn't understand..or refuses to try...I don't know which...<P><BR>Good Luck...and I'll be praying for you..and your wife..

SoTired2000,<BR>I am in a very similar situation as you with my wife. I agree read, and try to understand. You might try this site, <A HREF="http://www.nhhi.net/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.nhhi.net/</A> , and log into the support forum. (you'll have to sign up for a free account, no biggie) Be forewarned, the posts by the survivors are very stirring, the night that I found it I literally broke down and cried. I had no idea what she had gone through or what she has been carrying around for 30 years.<P>ThornedRose,<BR>If you have never been here, tread lightly, as most of the posts are triggering.<P>As I learn more about this topic, it is un-nerving what our society has turned into. My father is a psych nurse, and he says that 60% of women and 15% of men have been sexually abused, and that these numbers are probably low.<P>I realize that this is off topic, sorry.<P>God Bless.

StillPraying,<P>Thanks, I haven't been there but I'll check it out..I've been in and out of counseling<BR>a few times..(in again) I've also been in a<BR>survivors support group..Shelter from the Storm which is wonderful..It has a workbook<BR>that you do, they recommend going through it 3-13 week sessions because it is very intense<BR>and emotional..and you don't deal w/ all the issues the first time around..I am reading The Wounded Heart again for the second time now..and it's still painful, as I read things again that I didn't really catch the first time..issues I wasn't ready to deal with..but <BR>you don't find the happiness from someone else..you find it through Christ!!! <P><BR>SoTired2000, I read your other post..another book I would recommend you read is 'Toxic Parents'..actually I'd recommend your wife read it..but if she's not ready to deal with the issues she may just get upset..

ThornedRose,<P>Maybe, after you go to the site, you should log your husband on alone and let him spend some time there. If he has any emotions at all, he will realize why you feel the way that you do and understand your wishes. It was a very eye-opening experience for me.<P>If he has never read what others have to say, there is no way that he can even begin to understand.<P>I read a book about friends and family of adult survivors, can't remember the exact title, and your comments to SoTired affirm what I learned. I need to show her as much love and affection as possible with NO sexual undertones. I have to take the time to re-gain her trust, as right now I am just another man that has hurt her.<P>I feel deeply for your pain.<P>

My husband doesn't have a computer except at<BR>his office and he's not here..He's working out of town..as always..puts his job before his family..whenever I've needed just emotional support like when my mom died, he could have come home that night but chose to<BR>go into work the next day and get somethings<BR>done there first and then come home..and then went back to work the day after the funeral..<BR>and when I had a miscarriage, he left the <BR>next day to go back to work after that too..<BR>I've asked him to read books and he doesn't..<BR>Tell him it'll help him understand what I am<BR>going through and what I am feeling..he just ignores it..and complains about me not wanting sex with him...sorry...I have been trying to help him understand and just get a<BR>'I'm just a simple man' or something lame...

ThornedRose,<P>It's unfortunate, but he may not wake up until you're gone. That is not the kind of advice that is welcomed in this forum, but I didn't change until after she'd left. I may never have.<P>I agree that things happen for a reason, and I believe that God has taught me one serious lesson in life. I never heard her cries for help, never knew how selfish I was, never took our marriage seriously, never knew how I felt about her, and never thought that she'd leave. I never thought that we'd ever talk about divorce.<P>I also never understood her trauma, and how my actions affected her.<P>Men also have a negative trait of putting money and work 1st; if we provide, don't abuse, and don't run around, then she'll be happy. Not quite. <P>I have learned so very much in 2 months, that I can't wait to have her back. It's almost as if we are starting over again. I want nothing more than to make her happy, and the irony is that it is so very easy to make a marriage work if we were just shown how in the beginning.<P>It's amazing how you never really appreciate what you have.....until it's gone.<P>Could you lead him to your computer and log him on? Books about the subject are one thing, but reading what actual people are still going through in their everyday life have much more impact.<P>Other than that, I don't know what to suggest. He won't listen to why you are the way you are.

He doesn't see how your past can effect your present. Since his has never effected him..<BR>(so he thinks) yet I see things in him and can't tell him because "I'm not a professional" on how his past does effect him now..<P> 1. He grew up poor, so now he has to have money and things. <P>2. His first wife left him for someone she worked with (so he doesn't like my friends, <BR>and doesn't want me to work) <P>3. His second wife and he divorced after only a few months of marriage..and she moved in w/ someone else.<P>4. His father was an alcoholic, and he also<BR>drinks to excess..<P>he is very insecure, very jealous, doesn't know how to relax and just have fun..doesn't know how to communicate. Doesn't have friends<BR>outside of work, thinks I am his entire world, and that just because his mom didn't have friends outside of the family I shouldn't need that either..<P>We've been married almost 9 yrs..(this next week) and he's been gone working away from home 9 yrs in Dec. He's not here physically to offer emotional support and he doesn't know how to communicate in such a way as to give support..and he doesn't think I'll actually leave either..because "I need Him, as long as I'm not working, when I talk about getting a job he's like why??" even if it's part time..yet none of these past things effects how he is towards me..He has his own insecurities but he refuses to look at those as effecting me in anyway shape or form...<BR>He too is very selfish..and when I told him I can't work on the marriage until I work on the other he's like what about me..what am I supposed to do?? I was like..I really don't care, but don't force me to choose between you and my mental health...

ThornedRose,<P>I am so sorry to hear about your husband's feelings and his treatment towards you. Since I can't get in touch with him, please don't take my thoughts as suggesting you need to try harder with him or anything like that.<P>He sounds like a friend of mine. This guy deep, deep down has a heart of gold, but he has such a tough exterior he rarely lets it come through. He has had some experiences in his life that were not good. He has chosen not to believe in God or any kind of faith, but I am always persistent with him and am often able to get down to the fact that he is hurting a lot inside. It sounds to me that your husband may also be hurting, but he is not ready to face that hurt. You on the other hand seem to be trying to come to grips with your past.<P>Did you ever think that he may be jealous of you? Jealous of the fact that you are strong enough to recognize your issues and are trying to face them. Maybe he sees things in himself, but is too scared to meet them head on. It sounds like you are both hurting in your own ways and neither can help each other at this point in time with out outside help.<P>My suggestion is for you both to get to counseling, together. It sounds like he will be (or maybe has already been) against the idea, but so was I at first, but since then I have come to believe in it 100%. There was an individual in my family who had a horror story with a "therapist". My opinion of that whole field was not high at all. But upon my wife's persistence, I finally decided to go with her. I began very apprehensively, but after the second visit I felt myself opening up and getting things off my chest, things that I did not even know I had in me. I even ended up going by myself to see him. The benefit was that I was able to fix some things in myself, but more importantly I was able to learn what my wife was going through and what I was doing to aggrevate the situation.<P>Unfortunately, as is the case with STILL PRAYING, I did not truly see the problems until my wife exploded like a volcano a year ago. Now we are seperated because she still can not let me back in to her life. When she blew up at me, I realized that I had taken her for granted and that this woman I once thought would NEVER leave me, was now on her way out.<P>I would never suggest anyone to "leave" their spouse or to seperate, but maybe you need to truly tell him that you have had enough and that he MUST start working with you instead of against you, or you are going to go away. For the past few years my wife had given me warning signals that we had problems, but to me they were only little fights, or she was having a bad day, or some other rationalization.<BR> <BR>Keep in mind that men are often oblivious! Seriously. Looking back now, I can see the signs so clearly, but at the time I was too involved with being a 'good provider' for my family.<P>Please don't misunderstand my questions about abuse in my earlier post. I so want to help my wife - In fact I would have done/will do anything to help her. When she told me about the abuse years ago, we made an agreement that she would go talk to someone professionally before we got married. I only found out recently that she never did. After reading the messages on this site, I discovered that there are one or two men here that seem to be describing my wife to a tee! As if they were married to her. And the one common attribute they all have is that thier wives were abused.<P>I would never use her "abuse" as the reasons for our problems - that would not be fair. But I do look to her past as a reason for her not showing a willingness to work on things now. All I can do now is give her time. While others are pushing her to get the divorce started and over with, I feel that she is still confused. Time will tell which way she decides to go.<P>Thanks for your incite on the abuse issues. While I don't think with her, it was an immediate family member, these days you just never know. I just wish there was a way I could remove all the hurt she has inside her. Some way I can show her that I never meant to intentionally hurt her, and that with the lessons I have learned, I would cherish her everyday for the rest of my life if she would only give us one more chance.<P>Finally, it sounds like if your husband does not want to go to counseling with you, you need to look to an outside source for your needs - maybe the church? If he does not know how to help, if you keeping going to him for the help you need, you are only setting yourself up for more dissappointments.<P>I pray for you to heal and for your husband's eyes to be opened. Stay strong.

Sotired,<BR> I am in counseling..H went for a few weeks<BR>but quit..doesn't think he needed it..I was asked by my counselor today to ask him to come in and have a session w/ us..I am not<BR>really sure I want to do that..I am to the<BR>point right now I am tired of trying to help<BR>him understand anything at all..I am to the<BR>point I just don't know if I really care anymore I am just so tired of getting hurt..<BR>getting my hopes up that he'll do something he says he's going to do and he doesn't..<BR>So I feel why bother asking him..

I know your feelings. Kind of like the post I put up on Friday - "How long is long enough". All I can say is that deep down you just know when you have tried all you can. I'm not sure what faith you are or if you have faith in your life right now, but if you can, look to Jesus. How many times could he have given up and said they will never change. I know this sounds kind of "holly roller" like, but I am not - really.<P>I just know that at my lowest times over the past several months I was able to reach out in pure blind faith. And while everything has yet to be fixed, He has given me signs on which way to go. Do you love your husband? Is he worth your love? You may say "no" to that one, but remember mature love is unconditional - its loving even when it hurts and you see no end in sight.<P>You are a fantastic wife to have kept trying with him. And remember you never know when the tide will change in his life. Sure you may reach a time when you just can't go on, but until that time keep trying. But, keep in mind that trying the same thing the same way may not work (don't keep running into the same wall). Try something different. See if it works - if not try something different again.<P>A friend of mine reminded me of one of the greatest baseball players of all time - Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth was known for hitting home runs time and time again. But you know what, he struck out many more times than he hit the ball. Yet he still is known as one of the best to play the game. I know this is a "guy" type of example, but the bottom line is to keep trying. All you need is one "break", then you will see that all the effort was indeed worth it. Just keep in mind that we as men tend to be thick-headed sometimes (we come by it naturally).<P>I know it hurts - Believe me I know. But also know you have a lot of wonderful people in your life praying for you, as well as all the caring people here on this board.<P>And you have my prayers. Ask him again. But try using a different approach in asking.

The only thing I have is my faith in Jesus Christ, I used to pray that God would change my husband..but changed that to God change me..and He has been changing me..and as he<BR>changes me I find I tolerate less with my<BR>husband..I find the way he treats me and always has is disrepectful..and hurtful..and<BR>selfish on his part..and I did try something new this time..I told HIM NO he can't come home..we've been seperated basically since March..and everytime he's "been to broke" to<BR>pay his rent I've given in and told him to stay here..or I've put off paying bills here<BR>at the house to make sure HE has money..and it's caused other problems..he has used the money to buy his beer..and then ran out..and didn't have enough to meet his financial obligations..and has constantly called me over the years to send him more..and this time I said NO..I felt horrible..and guilty..but when does he need to start paying attention to HIS actions???