OK everyone,<P>I need help and support on this. I DO NOT want a divorce, I DO love my husband (although I feel so incredibly foolish at the moment for doing so), we have 10 years invested and 2 kids, a growing business, etc.<P>On Thursday I had a session w/ Dr. Steve, later that morning saw my H, he picked up on why he wasn't ready to file for divorce, even though the one he filed for in 3/98 as a surprise maneuver is still open in teh courts. He said he didn't have the money at the moment, would have to change his address (he moved out Aug 1st), he was trying to show me he wasn't a "bad" guy and wasn't going to totally screw me. My jaw must have hit the floor, cause I was totally flabbergasted and could only say, "So I am waiting for *your* CONVENIENCE for you to file?" <P>Is it just me, or was this totally cold-blooded? He knows how hard I have been trying to keep the marriage going, yet it appears he is just playing mind games. The kids are a mess, I am a mess, and he just waltzes in and out at his CONVENIENCE. <P>I just read Kristy Ann's thread on her situation. I told H last night that it was pretty apparant that it was probably over, he didn't even change tone of voice. I told him that it didn't change the fact that I still loved him, it didn't change the fact that I didn't want a divorce, it didn't change the fact that I was shaking so bad I nearly couldn't hold the phone. It did give me a feeling of immense weight being lifted off of my heart and soul, just having a clear direction to work towards.<P>I have realized that this man has never really considered me or my feelings, has relatively no emotions, plays favortism on his blood daughter over his adopted daughter, and is so very selfish. Yes, these are things that can be worked on and corrected, but only if he wants to, and he doesn't want to. I have told him that we CAN rebuild our marriage and make it better than before, I'm more than willing to take on the pain to work on it and move on, his statement is "that it would be a disservice to himself to try". Then he gives me just enough to have a touch of hope, and then guts me in the next instance.<P>My question is that I am making an appointment with an attorney, just mainly to find out my rights and all, but I do feel I should at least file a legal separation so that he is made legally obligated to help support the children. For those of you that have gone through this, am I wasting my time with a legal separation or should I just file for divorce? How does one live everyday trying to work on self realization and work on Plan Aing when you know that H is just waiting for when it is CONVENIENT for him to rip out your heart and soul again, knowing that he is going to be sweet and supportive and give hugs and kisses and all just to show me he isn't a "bad guy". There is still love there for this man, but it is fading, and there is absolutely no trust at all anymore.<P>I'm such a fool.<BR>Lori <P>

{{{Lori}}}...<P>First of all...<BR>...<B>YOU ARE NOT A FOOL</B>!!!!<P>You're a warm loving wife...<BR>...better than any your H will ever know!<P>Now about your concern...<BR>...legal seperation vs. divorce<P>...There isn't much of difference (in most states)... <BR>...typically a divorce is just the extra step that allows you (both) to remarry.<P>Do check with your attorney...<BR>...in fact...<BR>....check with a few...<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>Any Plan B in your future?<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

I am going through this, too. I asked my lawyer and he says that there is no difference, other than allowing you to get married again, as Jim says. I filed in Los Angeles, and he said that it is the case for all of California.<P>What you can do is file for a custody hearing. There is some risk in this, in that he could try to get the kids. But since he has already left, the court will probably award you custody with visitation to him. This hearing will establish child support and maybe alimony. But you never know with the family court.<P>You can do this without a lawyer. Every county is required to have a family law facilitator. This department helps people fill out the paperwork needed for the hearing. They do not give legal advice. My sister works for the office down here in San Diego, and they seem to be very good.<P>If you can afford it, I would go with the lawyer, but there are alternatives if you can't afford one. You could also ask for lawyer's fees at the hearing.<P>Good Luck to you. If there is anything I can do as far as my experience with the system, I'm here.<P>Brian

Thanks Jim,<P>I actually had already looked up an attorney from the Martindale-Hubbel site, he has the highest rating that they give out. I emailed him and he got back with me, so will call Monday for an appointment. I just think H has NO idea what he is doing, he thinks everything will just go on like nothing had ever happened, except he was no longer married or living in our house. That is why I thought at least filing a legal separation would let him know I totally mean business, yet he does have a bit of time. I guess we would have 6 months of waiting before the divorce was final anyway, so will see what attorney says.<P>I know since he's been gone the level of stress for everyday has gone done, I am an emotional wreck, but the living conditions are less of an issue, not only for me but the kids.<P>yeah, I'll try a Plan B approach, need to go read up on it, was just getting fairly familiar with Plan Aing, although I haven't had a lot of time with it. <P>Well... trying to fix a hole in the shower wall, and the kids and I are going to redo their bathroom in tile and pergo, so had better get to work. Will be in and out of the forums as this thing progresses.<P>Thanks,<BR>Lori

Hi Brian,<P>I'm in Ventura County, so under CA law. My problem is also that H and I own a corporation together, with myself as president and 51% owner. I do industrial plumbing and operate and maintain about 5 or 6 small water systems. H is a publically elected board member for a big water agency and GM for another, both of our reputations have built a small business from nothing to a self supporting entity. We are still growing everyday as we get referrals from state and county officials and word spreads. I do the basic stuff, H gets into the bits that are more technical. This is my livelihood and I'm not sure how to deal with it all. He THINKS we are just going to continue on happily ever after, that he is an invaluable resource. I have told him that if we divorce, I really don't think I can work with him. <P>That is just one overwhelming factor, we still have kids to deal with, one which would rather not have anythign at all to do with him, and the other who is quickly beginning to dislike what her father has done. We also have all the material garbage to deal with... I have told the kids that it is just stuff, and stuff doesn't make a good life. Being a good person inside of yourself is what is truely important, and someday that may become apparent to their father.<P>I'm trying, I'm determined to come out of this a better person for myself and my family. I think I have already seen some good signs of that and it is encouraging. <P>Thanks for letting me vent, express my hopes, and now go through the end of my marriage with you all on the boards. You all have been there for support while I read the forums. I've learned so much!<P>lori

Lori,<P>I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but my experience has been just awful with only separation. I kept hoping and hoping that one day his eyes would open to the love that I still held for him and that we could attempt to rebuild what we had. It's been four years of his moving in and out......his still seeing OW (I don't know if this is part of your story or not) and communicating with her - and always, <B>always</B> lying to me about it.<P>Of course you must do what you feel right, as I did. But, basically I was there at his convenience - to do <B>for</B> him when <B>he</B> needed me. At the end, it was still the same, but it was one step too far for me to forgive him yet again and take him back. I will not enjoy getting divorced on Thursday, but I now know that my children and I will be better off without the constant anxiety that they and I have lived with.<P>I'm sorry that you are living with this awful feeling. Not knowing what to do; knowing in your heart and soul that you still love this man, but can you continue without any kindness in your life - that you <B>know</B> is truthful on his part? <P>There is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter that has a line - It's so hard admittin' when it's quittin' time. <B>So true.</B><P>I look back over the last four years (Oh, my gosh, I think it's really five) and have to say that, at times, like now, I wish I would have just gotten it over with and not gone through the heartache that trying to hold on caused for me. But hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? <P>Best wishes to you in this <B>very, very difficult</B> decision.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited August 27, 2000).]

RCoaster,<P>You weren't being a wet blanket. Thanks for your input, it means a lot to me. You are one tough cookie to have done this for as many years as you did, I admire you greatly for that. I read the forums and wonder if I am "quitting" too soon, and then when I heard the relief that the kids had when they heard me tell him it was over, it made me realize that as unfeeling as he had been to me, he was even more so with them. They should have the chance to grow up in a house that is stable and kind and maybe one day they can see what true love means. Don't get me wrong, I still would jump at the chance to try and hold this marriage together, but it has to do some drastic workovers before it will be good again, and he's adamant about how it isn't worth his time to work on it. I can make me a better person and grow from my learning, but even though I can show him I love him, it isn't going to change him... he needs to do that. I can't forseeably put my children through more heartache while I continue plan Aing until H feels he can now end the marriage.<P>I'm off to check out Plan Bing. There hasn't been an affair on either side, so we're just dealing with 2 dysfunctional adults.<P>Thank you again. My heart goes out to you for the trying that you have done. You deserve the best and I hope it comes your way soon.<P>Lori

Lori, <P>My x and I also had a business together, me with 51%, he with 49%. He also felt I could not handle it without him. I had to fire him in April, the divorce was final, but he was selling assets of the business and keeping the money, he was taking a lot of time off of work to visit the OW, and you are right, it is VERY difficult to continue to work together after divorce. <BR>Just make sure you get the 51% in the divorce papers, that way there is no question about it being a gift, etc. <BR>If you are considering sep/div, get yourslef prepared. Make sure you have options for replacing him, get in touch with all the important people, bankers, attys, bonding companies and make sure they know you are runnng the show. That way if he leaves they have confidence in you. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Thanks Sue,<P>I have been lining up people to replace H's work in the field as needed, electricians, and guys I previously worked with who are a little handier with some of the mechanical type things than I am. I have friends who are getting their license and are willing to come in to help me out with the business and my brother is also pretty darn handy to have around. <P>I just called the attorney I had found and got a nice surprise, his partner is someone I know, she was a patient of mine at an eye doctor's I worked for. I didn't know what type of law she did, but my Dr said she was very, very good at what she does. It feels pretty good to me to find this out, we had a great rapport. <P>So far, I have been sticking to Plan B, no contact at all since Saturday when it became clear it was headed for the end. This is good, first time since he decided to leave that we haven't at least spoken. I need to work on my Plan B letter, but dealing with some LB feelings at the moment, so need to let those go first.<P>Lori