Does anyone feel that they have let their kids down?<P>Right now I can't provide for them what I am capable for because of the legalities, and time required to buy a new house.<P>Just feeling down because the kids aren't as happy as they should be, or could be.<P>thl

thl,<P>Oh yeah! BIG TIME!! I know my kids are somewhat happier than when my stbx lived here but they're very unhappy because I'm gone so much. Monday-Friday I see them for a total of 2 1/2 hours, and then I see them all weekend. Not my choice, just the hours I work. Does it make me feel like a failure as a mother? Yes it does! Do I have a choice? Not right now.<P>The only thing I can do is make the most of the time that we do have together. <P>Mitzi

thl,<BR>When I was in the midst of my divorce, I felt I was letting everyone down. It wasn't just the issue of time, it was the fact that emotionally I couldn't be there for my friends and family. My work suffered a great deal and I almost left the program because I felt so guilty about letting down my advisor. Luckily, he was patient with me. <P>I don't have kids, but my point is, divorce is very hard and time consuming. It can suck the life out of you in so many ways. Every that is close to you is affected. This is part of the process, though. I don't have much advice to give, except that I understand feeling pulled in all directions. Have you talked with your kids about this? Kids seem to know when parents are sincere, and can tell when they are struggling to do the right things. I don't know how old your kids are, though. I think even little things go along way. The quality of time you spend with them is probably more important than just the quantity. When you are with them, make sure that they are absolutely the center of your attention.

Hey Thl,<P>I guess that I look at it this way.<BR>I don't feel as tho I have let my children down.(There Daddy has!)I did the best that I could do,to make my marriage work.<P>I also think that they are really getting the better end of the deal in the fact that he is more around.(I know crazy,since he isn't living w/us.)He is a much better Daddy now then ever before.Much more quality time w/them,that they have needed so badly!<P>You have done the best that you can do!<BR>Even tho you might not be living where you would like.(sm-app)just let them know that it wont be like that forever.<P>You are a great provider and wonderful Dad! <BR> <BR>Right now is a rough patch.<BR>Getting use to going from one house to the other and all of that,they are bound to have some problems.<P>Just let them know that you love them,are there for them,and will do the best that you can to make their life as stable as possible for right now and in the future! <P>You are doing a good job!<P>Hang in there!<P>Gina <BR><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Well, TS,<P>at least we agree on 2 points,<P>1) My STBX acted like yours, putting us down the whole time to get me to leave, that was the advice given to her by a male, divorced friend of hers. Not to be direct, not to say what she needed, but to make my life miserable so i would leave. Now she is dating? a guy at work, and she is already bringing him around the kids. <P>2) At times, I felt like I have let my kids down, my parents down, and some of our mutual friends. And it does impede the mental alertness required for work. I am at about 20 % efficiency, whereas before I at 120%, which has burnout rate and I did.<P>So thanks for the replies. I do take my parenting role seriously, as well as my financial role to make certain they are able to got to the schools they are eligible for.<BR>I also took the living location seriously, wanting to be in a neighborhood of friends, but STBX did not want to leave a free house,<BR>as old as it was, it is 4,000 sq feet, and she can now walk to work, which her parents did for years. She and IL's love to be able to walk to work, I believe because they don't have the patience to drive.<P>My drive is 35 - 50 minutes depending, and I never got any slack for traffic problems, until we were in mediation. I always got the "you should have planned better and left earlier" speech, or "it doesn't matter that your boss wants a quick discussion with you about something important."<P>She appears so F!@#$%^ happy these days, doing things she said she couldn't do with me, for whatever reason, I never told her she couldn't. Now she has win in the refridgerator for BF, always had an excuse with me, last time she said it was she was afraid of sex. She said it was a LB to be hesitant about getting a vasectomy because she has a latex diaphragm and latex allergies. Now she has a silicone one for BF.<P>I guess it was just a figment of my imagination.<P>anyway, thanks for the thoughts today.<P>peace<P>thl

I tried to get the kids to talk to me this afternoon, in an orchard after apple picking.<BR>11 yo s said instantly, he hates it. Hates the commuting back and forth.<P>Then I told them about the counseling coming up. they were hesitant, but hopefully they will understand afterwards.<P>Then because I get emotional they don't want to talk about it, and it shuts down. So I try, but it is hard for me and them, especially since STBX is so happy with new BF. All of a suuden, her anger and frustration towards me stopped instantly, and new BF is here. Now she wants me to have the kids more often for now.<P>I can't figure these people out, I just think they have a warped sense of life and relationships. not that mine is perfect, but I had a good role model, and I understand alot about teamwork, and working together, not just complaining and criticizing,<P>peace again<P>thl

thl,<BR>I know I do alot of griping about men. Can't say I've had a whole lot of great experiences, starting at a young age. Let it be known that I don't think my gripes apply to any of the men on this forum. All of you guys obviously care and put alot of thought into your relationships, or else you would not be here. <P>That said, I do know how you feel about the ex being so friggin' happy. In the months preceeding our divorce, and immediately following, my ex would call up from whatever place he was travelling to that week and tell me about all the great stuff he was doing. This is the job he got after I spent a good few weekends working on his resume with the f*ckin Masters I supported him to get. I sure don't miss all the put-downs. It took me 6 mos. to a year after the divorce to get good and angry about what he did. Before then, I was too busy hating myself and getting pushed off my feet every chance he got. <P>Try not to be too bummed though. All that giddiness she is experiencing is like taking a hit of cocaine. What comes up, must come down, and it will. Or, she will just keep on taking more and more to keep getting that rush. I know that right now it feels like having sand kicked in your face.

Gina,<P>ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT <P> <P>I feel that way almost every day at some point . The children see something in the store they want. They couldn't get all the new stuff for school. Its always something, and it angers me to see ex with gold chains, new hundred dollar shoes and a bunch of money in his wallet when he gives the kids some money for extra treats at school lunch. Once again, dad looks like the better guy, he gives them money for ice cream and stuff after lunch, but God forbid he pay half of the $300 school clothes bill.<P>I guess its normal, and I think more common for females, although I don't have time right now to read all your replies. But many of us females, gave up our dreams and goals and stuff to work less hours for our family. Where the men had the careers. In the case where they keep the kids, they do struggle too, but I think its different, its learning to adapt to a more full time parent. Where the females, have to start over at the bottom.<P>I know you are getting this late, I have not been even reading or replying lately from stress and a bad week.<P>Hugs and prayers, Dana<BR>

thl,<P>I understand how difficult it is to see your children hurting, and missing out on things, and there really isn't anything you can do about it. <P>My relationship with my x has finally calmed, it was volatile for years, and he would explode at me in front of the kids. In many ways, it made it easier for the children, having a tangible reason why Daddy didn't live here. But now, without the visible signs of conflict and bullying, the fault of our not being together has shifted to me.<P>Its very hard for me, even when I know just how horrible the future would be for them if we were back together, to go through this phase, knowing my x's and my mistake has hurt them so terribly. I can't give them back the past - and that is what they really want.<P>They are adjusting as well as children of divorce can, I expect. And in some ways, things are better for them. With my desires for time at home in the forefront, instead of money, I am now working at home most of the time, and probably the best compliment my children could pay me right now - they take me granted! After years of crying, why did I have to go to work, and begging to go with me, they finally have me around. That has had a more normalizing effect than anything.<P>My x sees them at his convenience, but knock on wood, he is being very regular right now. But I know the kids see they don't come first - I bend over backwards to make sure they don't ever get that message from me. I expect your kids see the same with you - and we all agree, our job is to make them productive, worthwhile adults who find happiness down the right road.<P>I expect after the transition time for you, and when you get into your house, and they see how much you are preparing for them in your future, it will be better. Oh, and the "load" you are work... I remember that well, how completely useless I was for a long time - I am paid to be creative, and I was completely burned out, couldn't concentrate on anything - it lasted over a year. THat is a normal phase too, thank goodness I had an understanding boss.

My children have survived five years without their dad in our home. I was fortunate that I was able to buy him out of a house. Although my credit rating isn't good enough right now to do it. Try going to photography school with no financial aid. Took a big hit on finances. This means we've been able to stay in the same house and I know that's been a blessing.<P>I don't know that we would have made it this far without heavy duty counseling. For all three of us. X showed up a few times for his but never did any real work.<P>I know that I was emotionally dead or in agony for over a year. Really, truly. It was horrible. If I wasn't in great pain, I felt nothing. And that took a toll on the children. It was quite a while before I got d in counseling and even longer for son. It was a matter of gaining strength. And s had articulation problems so his counselor would have had even more trouble understanding him. D sees her therapist every 2 - 4 weeks and s sees his every week. Man, between that and his speech therapy, I'm still bleeding money. <P>I did feel so hurt because my div. was a shocker to me. Why had I not measured up. Why hadn't I done more? Etc. Truth is, if I had done everything on his list perfectly, he would have had a different list. And that was really hard. <P>I had trouble with my struggle to forgive x. But I had even more trouble with my struggle to forgive myself. From what I have heard, that's the harder struggle. <P>The c

thl,<BR>I know what you are going through. Yesterday, my d asked when we could clothes shopping. I just spent $200 bucks on school clothes a couple weeks ago and can't afford it right now and I do feel a little guilty.<BR>It seems like the x has quit taking them shopping all the time as she was before.<P>I agree with Gina, in that I didn't fail them, their mother did.<P>As for x being happy, at first I saw this and the kids told me she was happy. BUt whay shouldn't she be happy. She has given up all her repsonsiblities for the kids. She can go out anytime she wants without thinking about the kids because she has a builtin babysitter, ME! I guess I should be thankful she trusts me enough to keep the kids.<P>But her happiness looks to be fleeting. The kids really don't want to go over. They were both to go over Fri nite, but both managed to wiggle out of it. My son did go over but it was at 11 at night. My d said she didn't want to go and in fact didn't go till 3:00 on Sat.<P>When I dropped her off, x was fuming. She said she didn't care if nobody came over, after all she was paying all this child support. She said she was the only one that had a schedule to follow and told our d that if she wasn't ready on-time then not to come over. I had told d several times to pack to go but she basically didn't listen to me and didn't pack.<P>So it will be interesting to see how things are handled by both x and d next time d is to go over.<P>I have to admit I felt better after leaving on Sat to see that x's life isn't a bowl of cherries after all.<P>She still is in her self-centered state. ON Sat she told me she was working Sun nite instead of Mon morning and what time could she bring the kids home in the afternoon so she could rest before going to work. I should have told her before she went to work, but said whenever so she brought them home at 2:30. It's just that I don't want the kids over there so I will take them anytime. She would rather go to work than spend time with her kids. For a weekend withe kids, she spent less than 24 hrs with our d and about 40 with our s. That include sleeping time and 2 hrs while my s played football, which she took a book to and read for a while. Talk aboout interest in your child.<P>So hang in there, thy. Things will get better for you. Just don't beat yourself up for feeling guilty.<P>Bob

Thanks, MB cyber friends.<P>I know that I will be fine. Its just the timing of it all, and I was working really hard to get a big chunck of money for the downpayment on our own house. The money comes in tomorrow, and all i get to do is split it with STBX, and try and figure a way to make up the difference to try to buy the house again.<P>You know, I reread some of her emails tonight, and I really can't figure out where it went so wrong that she wants a divorce.<P>Yeah, we had some rough times, but I took alot of her crap from the beginning, and so I get into a frustrating situation with my job, and she can't talk to me about it, or my only solution is to quit? I do think I will be better off, its just I asked the kids, and they said they hated it. i don't blame them, and I would stay married, struggling, just for the kids, with some good work from the Harlay's. Although I do see some really bad habits the 11 yo son, (whose personality is very much like STBX) that will take alot of time and energy to break.<P>I was just feeling sad, and guilty as having preached to the kids for years, ever since they were able to understand, never give up, and I look like a quitter. And I can't tell them about how STBX is most of the problem, or that she just wants to date because she wants to be poor. I hope she ends up . . . <BR>never mind, i'm just being vindicitive.<P>AARrrggg, at least I got a counciling time for the kids for evaluation, and hopefully, that will help me understand where I can help better.<P>thl<P>thanks again<P>

thl,<P>It's been an interesting time for us in my household. H did an impromptu divorce filing 2.5 years ago and then put it on hold. When he went "off" again on 7/24, he told me that he had swallowed his spine and stayed becuase of the kids.<P>I think the kids and I have always wondered in the back of our minds if he was going to pull that kind of thing again, there was always tension to keep dad happy. I know the now 13 year old really was angry after the first time, and when he left this time, she really has been spiteful toward him.<P>The now 9 year old for the first month, used to tell me to keep up hope, that dad was coming home. We went to one counselling session where I told counselor what happened, we go again tonight, I told the girls it was their turn to talk about how they feel. 9 yo says, "I will tell her I am very angry at Daddy, that he has hurt us all" Have no idea what the 13 yo will say, but she has told me in the past that we are better off without him here.<P>I've told them we will have to tighten up on spending, there just won't be extra money for anything. They are troopers, the 9 yo told me once she wanted to sell her beenie babies and pokemon cards to help pay for things. The 13 yo seems to be pretty careful about where things go right now, thinks about how much groceries are and budgeting things so it isn't gone too fast. <P>They KNOW that I am the one trying to hold the marriage in place, they will always have that in their minds for the rest of their lives. They've been pretty supportive of my time, seem to know I am doing extra studying and am on these forums to find hope for myself. Thankfully, our house is the comfortable one for the kids in the neighborhood to come to, we always have a houseful of kids.<P>They are much more resilient than I have been. They've already decided to go on with their lives whether he comes back home or not. I'm just getting to that point. <P>There was a good moment yesterday, the older daughter stayed home from school and when H dropped by at lunch time, they actually *talked* for the first time since he left. Wasn't a long talk, but there was no anger, no snippiness on her part. H leaned down and kissed her on top of the head, and that has been the first time for that in years.<P>I don't know if he is learning how much he contributed to the downfall of the family's relationship, but he does seem like he is trying lately. He's going to eat dinner with us tonight.<P>You haven't failed your kids. You're doing the best that you can under the circumstances and they will realize that. Yes, they have their emotional ups and downs, too, and that is natural, but you are the one constant in their lives right now and that will eventually mean more to them than anything else.<P>Good thoughts and prayers for you,<BR>Lori

I appear to be the departing one, yet STBX was the one that wanted out, but since the house is provided free from her employer, and she isn't about to give up her job, I had to leave.<P>So 8 yo d always asks me if I love mom, and I say yes, because I do, maybe not her behavior, but for right now, I still do.<BR>The first time 8 yo d asked mom, and mom hesitated, d lost it.<P>so d and I have a getting better relationship, but she was angry and testing at first. Now she says its ok to be divorced because they still see me alot, and they know I want a house where their friends live. They said they wish I could live next door, and so do i.<P>11 yo son is angry but like his mom, isn't in touch with why or reasoning. and is pretty uncommunicative, like mom.<P>Mom told 8 yo d that d would have it the hardest, and I told STBX not to be projecting feelings and being judgemental with others.<P>so I am taking them to counseling next week, and stbx hates counseling, and I believe in strong mental health, stbx admitted to daughter stbx has mental illness, body image bulemia mental illness. <P>so I want to prevent that from getting through to daughter as soon as possible, since stbx takes them to the weight room for two hours a night so she can lift weights instead of doing kids doing homework.<P>this just sux the big one.<P>thanks for your story, it makes me want to help the kids even more.<P>thl