Hi friends,<P>Please tell me I am not the ONLY one falling down out here. <P>Do you notice you have the same triggers over and over, or are you discovering there keep becoming more?? <P>How do you get over them and move past them without affecting everyone around you?<P>If you want to share your worst one, feel free. I'll share mine.<P>For those of you who don't know my situation, my ex left ON XMAS. Not even at the end of the night, his children SAW him walking out. IT was horrible. I can't even go back to describe it, but its out on the GQ thread somewhere.<P>Last weekend, we were shopping, and the XMAS trees were up. I used to always put my tree up the day after thanksgiving and leave it up til new years. I bought a collector ornament every year, and my house at xmas, looks like something from a magazine. Lights, and decorations everywhere. I couldn't even take that stuff down for weeks after new years last year. Well we were in the store, and the kids got SO excited, that I had to stop and say a prayer to be thankful that they aren't as destroyed by this as me. Thats a good thing, but I couldn't help but cry my eyes out as soon as they left with dad for their visitation.<P>So I got to thinking about triggers and if I am going to have to be bothered by this for 6 months since the stores make this holiday so commercial. I also thought about other triggers and how lately, with me being sick, tired and stressed, they feel worse.<P>Guess I'm just hoping to hear that I am not the only one who felt they got so high up there and had to come crashing down from one bad week. <P>Hugs and prayers to all, Dana<P><BR>

Triggers...Well there are quite a few, but before I go into them I should say that when those feelings do come up they don't last too long any more, nor are they as intence. I also think that the best way to deal with these feelings is to talk about them, it seems to take powere away from the pain that comes. You know, pain shared is pain lessoned.<P>My biggest trigger is going to her house or I should say "our house" as she stayed there and I moved into the new house. Twp weeks ago I got most of the rest of my things from there and on the way over I relived EVERY feeling of the past 11 months in about 10 minutes time. I will say they faded once I saw her sorry [censored].<P>I still have to go through the x-mas orniments to seperate all of mt childhood ones and Abbey's. I know that this will be painful as hell so I have been avoiding it.<P>There are others, but right this minute I can't think of one...Is this growth?<P>Dana, what did you decide about letting H be your "roommate"?<P>Well I'm late for work...I hope you have a great day....and remember those feelings will pass.<P>Bill

Hey Dana!<P>I'm sorry you're having such a rough time now. <P>Triggers...I don't know if I would call what bothers me triggers. I get angry at my stbx ALOT. When the kids call him and ask him to come and see him and he says he's too busy, I want to hunt him down and kill him. When one of the boys are hurt and I have to deal with that by myself, I want him to be hurt too. When I have to go to work, and my youngest is crying because he doesn't want me to, I want to go call him and give him a piece of my mind! <P>Are these triggers? I don't know. When I get to feeling this way, I just stop and breathe and remind myself that one day he'll regret this. I don't care if he regrets the divorce but I know he will regret neglecting the boys. There will come a day when he will want them and they won't want him. <P>Ok, I think I just vented on your thread. <P>Hang in there, Dana. This too shall pass.<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Dana,<P>I still have all the triggers. Had them descibed to me as "being ambushed." It comes out of the blue, you don't see it coming, and get all choked up. For me, its at things like the church pageants, and school performances, when it hits me that their father isn't there, and how could he walk away from these little rewards, when I look at all the content and proud parents beaming at their children.<P>But, to make you feel better, the feelings you have will change - they will turn more into a sadness for death of the marriage, and a pity for the x (really) than the heartwrenching sobs. They really will. <P>You have it worse though, having it happen at Christmas. My personal belief is that the holidays magnify your emotions, whether it is being happy or sad, it is an extreme. Maybe the good side of the commercialism, is knowing you have from September on to get used to the decorations and stuff. <P>Take care, it really will get better.

Dana - I'm so sorry. I married my x on Valentine's Day. His name is Patrick and we collected rabbits. His birthday is two weeks before Christmas. So, for a couple of years, I struggled from Thanksgiving through Easter. Oh, and he moved out 3 days after my 39th birthday. I begged him to go before my birthday. Asked him to go to a hotel, his parents, a homeless shelter - just go before my birthday. And his enabler mother frequently triggers my anger. Sometimes we'll be talking and I'll feel it flaring up and I'll tell her we have to change subject or I'll have to go because I'm feeling myself getting angry and it's not about her and I don't want to take it out on her.<P>This fall and winter will be tough but you can make it. You have lots of friends here who will listen and pray anytime you need us.

Dana,<BR>Sorry to hear you're having such a tuff time of it. I was having trouble with the physical triggers. I have to drive-by the hotel where she stayed with om the night she left me and the apartment they lived in for 8-9 months. I have to drive by these places everyday and it hurt for the longest time. I used to avoid the apartment, but couldn't avoid the motel. I also go by the hotel where she lived for a week prior to moving to the apartment and also one of the places he took her on a date( an auto parts wholesaler, I'm still trying to figure that one out).<P>It had been tough for me but it is getting better everyday. The motel is the only place I have a problem with. I hope it burns down.<P>I am nont having as much trouble going to her house now as I did. I just don't want to run into om. He did come out as I was leaving on Sat, but he just ignored me.<P>I guess the old axiom, just give it time, is the best bet.<P>Bob

Dana,<P>My ex left, (like your) on a holiday.. it was thanks giving morn, (priar to D, and I awakening, meanig during the night!! coeard he is) and left my daughte a note of good bye.. not a thing to me..<P>any way.. yes I still to this day, have lots of triggers. It has been two(almost) two yrs since he left, and it hasn`t gotten any better.. (not for me) <P>some take shorter periods of time, mine seem like it is a for life thing.. I <P>It took me three yrs to get over my dad leaving my mom, and even then our relationship is very rocky.. I guess I do hold grudges.. I can`t help it when someone crushed my heart.. a heart can never be the same once broken.. <P>I have always worn my heart on my sleve..<P>I will never understand any of this.. I will never understand how any one can do this and *act* like we now never exsisted.. <P>I wish this would go away, but it seems *I* am doomed with a life time of torture now.. this is not going to end, just because the divorce is final.. there is a daughter involved, and she will need us both during the course of her life.. that means even if we dissagree, there will always be issues.. and we may have to make dicissions together one day, again.. <P>he will not talk to me right now.. he is a bit paterbed that I spoiled his and his Ow`s *act* and exposed them to the OW`s H.. this was recent, because I found out he not only had my kid lieing to me (gret role model) but he has had this, still VERY MARRIED woman hanging around with my kid as well... <P>sorry, but this is totally inapropriate.. and I had to do something. If I had written a note, because we weren`t talking) that I`d like for this to stop.. what do you think he`d do?/ listen!!!?? NOT!!! so I went to her house to express what kind of a woman she thinks she is, and instead bumped into her H.. <P>long story short, this brought out those triggers two fold, all over again.. this is never going to go away for me.. never.. this man has no clue how much I loved him.. not an incling..noda!!!<P>he tore my heart out, and now took my dream life out from under my feet.. I can never forgive him.. never.. <P>I am so sorry for all of us who are in such pain.. I wish so badly there were consequences to have to be payed for the damage that they do to so many people involved.. (kids being the biggest heartship of all) this is truely a crime, just like any other.. it kills/murders your soul, and it medically has to be brought back to life, only to realize you`ll never feel the same, again.. <P>AV

Interesting question,<P>although this stuff is all so new, going on 2.5 months separated,<P>right now, going to her new house.<BR>Driving in and seeing OM car there. Haven't seen him yet, (sometimes I want to high five him and say "Good Luck Pal!")<BR>Having kids ask me why I don't do something like OM? (grow a beard in the winter?)<P>Having kids act like their mother, that I see very day I'm with them, and I get frustrated with kids for being very disrespectful and passive aggressive, and not using their words. Oh I hate that more than anything else in the world.<P>thl

For me there are a couple of things that are by far the worst. The first is seeing the OW. Since my husband moved her only 5 minutes from me, we both use the same major intersection anytime either of us wants to get somewhere. So, I get to see her in her car, the car my husband bought her at least 1-2 times a week. This always just sends me into the pits of despair. But first is always just blinding rage. I know she must see me too. I've got to believe that she is looking out for me too. And she has my husband. It's awful, just really awful. Then the second is when my daugher and my father-in-law go to things with my husband that I would have gone to in the past. These are things like movies or sporting events, they are big sports fans and go often. Also even just out to dinner which they do once a week. It's not that I'm not welcome. I could say that I want to go. But I'm not invited by my husband. And when I do go, it just hurts so much that I had to stop for my own sanity. Also, I really had to stop going to things where we would see other people we know even though I will still go to most family events. Everyone knows about HER. Everyone knows we are separated. The pain and humiliation of this got to be just too much. I would constantly wonder what people were saying and thinking. Of course he would be polite to me but never affectionate. No touching or hand holding or any kind of show of affection. Just very polite and nice. This is so humiliating. I felt like anyone could tell how stiff things were between us. Still I did it for a long time. It just got too hard. Has anyone else been able to just tell that other people feel uncomfortable around you? I know I don't imagine it. This happened again and again. People just don't know what to make of it and I guess the whole thing makes them uncomfortable. So I feel that just not doing anything with them anymore was a way of reclaiming at least some pride. But oh God it hurts when my daughter walks out the door and I think I should be a part of this family still!

Dana,<P> Christmas......yuck!<BR> Bad time of year for me,too.<BR> <BR>I remember you saying that your ex walked out at Christmas.How cruel.That must be hard.<P> We always decorated the house.She was really into that,so I helped her.We spent Christmas Eve at her big family's.What a get together,with lots of food,and presents.<BR> <BR>That's all gone for me,now.She didn't even take any of the Christmas stuff we collected for 22 years.Just left it all for a new life.<P> <BR> Christmas,........think I'll go to Mexico!<P> Hang in there,Dana.<P><BR> ~~Murph

Hi friends,<P>I am trying to read all of your posts today and get caught up.<P>Things here are incredibly stressful right now, but I think I may be coming out of the worst of it. By the end of the week, I will know.<P>I think that anyone who is abandon/discovers affairs near a holiday will feel worse stress. Its the worst time of year.<P>For me, my anniversary is Oct 10, so I think Oct-Dec will be rough.<P>Having lots of financial, emotional and physical strains right now and I think that those factors are making the triggers worse.<P>Its not so much I miss him anymore, I miss my marriage. But it IS that I am angry with him for ending it this way and making my life a living nightmare.<P>Thanks for sharing your triggers/venting. I sure hope 3 years from now, I am not still doing this as much.<P>Prayers and hugs,Dana<BR>

It's getting better after a year and 3 months, BUT -- my ex rediscovered his old GF from grad school -- the one who dumped him and he apparently rebounded to me. And this is about 22 years ago! Although he didn't have time for me while we were married -- work and his son came first -- NOW he has time for the old GF. And that's because he has had a good system of planned "on and off " weekends of child care offered on a silver platter under our MSA. He didn't know how to plan time for us, but now that it's a freebie ... Interesting, isn't it! The worst part is knowing -- and I mean KNOWING -- who she was then and who she is NOW and she's OK by him and he spends honest-to-god time with her. She left her two children 10 years ago to come to our area and, of all things, study for the priesthood. She left the kids -- then ages 6 and 8 -- with their dad in Idaho. (My ex despised parents who dumped their kids upon divorce). She has made God her life, naturally, as a minister. (My ex maintained he was a strong atheist during our marriage and resisted my nudges toward religion). She also is terribly overweight (He always told me he did not like fat women and it was one reason I was very careful). So go figure. Did he never really ever get over her? Is the fact that she's getting her PhD make it more than OK that all the other factors are there (He always adored the intellectual over the emotional; I was never really "smart enough" although I had a BA and certification in my field)? I've had licensed professionals tell me they think my ex and his old GF are "very unhealthy" but it's still tougher than nails to see her car in the driveway over at my ex's house and feel -- again and again -- like I was always, always, always really the second pick in his life (after she dumped him) and now he finally gets me out of the way and he is happy. Still, as I said, it is getting better. But it hurts.

Dana,<P>I'm sorry to hear that you are in this "lull", I wish I had a magic wand that would take away the the pain. Unfortunaly there is no such thing <P>However, (you knew I had a however didn't you...LOL) we have one up on our wayward spouces...the ability to <B>GET</B> honest with how we feel. I say we because many times in the past your positive outlook and candor has given me the hope I sought. The other thing we have to combat this is this forum. The thereputic value of one divorcee helping another, through our experience, strength and hope. Shareing this with others that are hurting will help get out of your own head. Never forget this. We are your sounding board, let us walk through this with you. I will admitt to worrying a bit by your last few posts ie: stress and other things.<P>The bottom line is this. The next few months are going to be a *****. IMHO there is no point in believeing different. Keep your expectations there, I know I am, as I'm comming up on d-day myself..Sep 30..I do know that these feelings will pass. However, I need to be open and honest about how I feel, and I need to have people I can share the <B>exact</B> nature of those feelings. So long as I do this I will be able to walk through the next few months reasonably secure in the thought that <B>I WILL</B> get to the otherside and be that much stronger.<P>About missing your marriage...whew! That really struck a note. I was just thinking about how at this time last year I was filled with gratitide for being blessed wil such a beautful and caring woman, that I called my wife. And the <B>BLAMMO!!!!</B> I find out that not only is she ****ing that miserably 17 yr old piece of junk yo-boy but is madly in love with him...."we are soulmates" I will never forget how that felt...Like a giant hand reached inside an pulled my guts out one frikken strand at a time. I will never forget lying in the fetal position crying like a baby in my driveway and my 3yr old d asking what is wrong with daddy...But today I look back and can honestly say that that agony has forged me into a much better person(silver lining) and has showed me just how much I can take and make it back from the brink of despair. I know you too have come along way, I think you feel this same way. If not then go through your archive and reread you old posts because you will see the person I am reffering to...The pep talk is almost over...LOL<P>Keep your chin up and keep wading through the pain because the other side is within reach...BTW in case noone has told you they loved you today...I do...Keep us posted on how you feel<P>Bill <P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

I've discovered that most of my triggers are just plain obsessive and thinking about them more doesn't help me resolve my feelings. For awhile, I just kind of let myself be immmersed in these thoughts and feelings so that I could make sure I was really dealing with everything. Given my behavior in the past, I needed to be absolutely sure I didn't brush stuff under the rug.<P>After awhile, it was just very unproductive and draining. So, what I do now is try to meditate. If one of those thoughts comes into my head now, I find something else to focus on to stop these thoughts. Replacing it with "good thoughts" doesn't seem to help. Just creates more "noise" in there. Actually getting a to place where I have NO thoughts and my brain is not crunching away on something is my goal at the moment. It is very hard at first. Sometimes I can only manage it for a minute or two. <P>One thing that has helped alot is "taking back" my memories. Things that you previously associated with your ex needs to be associated with something pleasant now. Whether it is an old song, a place, or a particular day. For Xmas this year, instead of doing the usual routine, try something completely different. If looking at your old decorations is too painful, buy some new ones or just put them away. Even better might be to give them to charity or sell them at a yard sale. I know that it is more than just the decorations, but breaking the same-o-same-o Xmas routine might help you form some new, and positive, memories about this time of year.<P>

Hi friends,<P>Thanks for the replies. I must admit, the thought of Xmas is making me sick right now.<P>I am feeling so drained these past two weeks I can't explain it. I am assuming its one bad thing after another however I just wish I could figure out how to get my strength back.<P>Sorry to those who replied if I haven't been responding on anyone's things these past weeks, I just can't find the right words these days.<P>Prayers, and hugs,Dana<BR>