Tomorrow night will be the third weekend that I pick up my D half way between where I live and where W and D live. It's about 90 miles each way to half way point. W and D live with her parents. W has a social engagement (I can only imagine) so parents will be delivering my D to the meeting point.<P>3 days before D day last June, W and I were reaching critical point of conflict on "why I wouldn't let her and D move out of state to her parents house," also her childhood hometown. I was essentially fighting for my D (as MIL said I should when I was in contact with them throughout the crisis). Yes there were LB's. I naturally believe that D should live near me. Well I did say some things about W's hometown, some genuine concerns about the quality of care, etc....<P>Now D day comes. I discover her affair with HS crush. W immediately calls her family and tells them "My H hates you, doesn't think you're competent to care for D, etc....and so on....really twisting the truth. This was so she could drive a wedge between me and her folks, so I wouldn't tell them of A. I was really close with the IL's up to this point. They too thought W was out of her mind for leaving the marriage. Well she did a good job driving the wedge, because I didn't get B-Day card from any of her family for my 40th. It was a calculated tactic designed to deflect all the thinking against me and avert or postpone them contemplating her adulterous behavior. It really hurt.<P>OM is in the open with them now. They think it's something recent, but it has been going on for well over a year (25 years if you count back to her SR. year in HS!)<P>The court ultimately let W and D move out of state in September. I have not spoken to IL's since June except briefly when they answer the phone when I call D (4 years old).<P>How should I handle them tomorrow night? I am going to be real tempted to say something like "It really is turning out to be a made for TV movie" or something like that.<P>I'm really afraid I'll say something stupid. I'd like to get some feedback from them and find out if they still think she's nuts or if they still believe all the BS W told them last June.<P>Obviously, I would not say anything bad in front of D. I'm hoping that one or the other of her folks will speak while D is distracted by one of them.<P>Jay

My question is, why is it important to you that the ILs know what happened? Regardless of how wrong your W was/is, she will always be their daughter and will always take her side if pushed into taking sides.<P>If they haven't figured out the truth by now, (I'm betting they have.) truth has a disturbing habit of ALWAYS coming out at some point. Yes, someday even your D will learn the truth and then the ex must deal with it.<P>For now, worry about being the best person you can be, be a great dad to the D, and given the chance show the ILs that you still care about them and don't hold them responcible for their childs actions.<P>Go the extra distance to send them B-day cards, etc.. Tell them how much you appreciate them being there for your D. Let them know you feel better knowing they are in her life. If you can be the person they always thought you were, the truth of what has happened will become obvious to them.<P>In your case, actions speak louder than any words the ex can possibly say.

Country Guy,<P>You are so right, and I know that's the thing to do. I guess that BS's operate in the fog sometimes in these matters and lord knows I don't have a tongue left to bite.<P>Yes, I did send MIL a B-Day card 3 weeks after she neglected mine. I send my nieces and nephews B-Day cards and whenever D and I are out and about, we buy little "nothings" ($2 - $3 items) for D to take back to them.<P>My recently deceased Grandmother's motto was,<P>"KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS"<P>I'm sorry, I guess I need to be reminded of this too often.<P>Jay

I agree 100% with catamount82. Kill them with kindness. Talk straight to them - tell them the truth on how you are feeling. Don't go into details or try to get them on your side, maybe something as simple as "I hear your daughter is doing well, you know I really am sorry things turned out this way. I still love her and hoped things could have been different, but it was her decision and she made it. And, by the way, if you ever have any questions you want to ask me, please don't hesitate to ask. Thanks for all that you have done and continue to do for us and for my daughter."<P>Minus the daughter comment, that is basically what I have been telling my in-laws periodically since this all started. Not to get them on "my side" (which would be impossible to do anyway), but rather to show them that I am trying to be the bigger person in this mess. And that I truly appreciated all they did for me and my wife. And that I still love her.<P>I don't think you can go wrong with sincere honesty.