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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>So I feel worse, he feels more justified. Sisyphus - revenge sucks. Just put the CD and whatever else you have in an envelope for her, seal it, mark it private, and send it to her work. It's the high road (Yes, Cooker, I read your posts!) and I promise you will feel better for it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I called her last night and she grudgingly gave me her address ... but the moment is lost for me to make that gesture. She wants to go over the 1040. I can't imagine what her problem would be. Bottom line ... I'm eased back to merely "annoyed" but I don't think she'll even get a Christmas card. <P>She's made "other arrangements" for the dog over the holidays because I didn't get back to her. Mixed feelings about that one. I love the dog, but he seems to have turned into a maniacal pillow-humper, I have to take him downstairs several times a day, and last time he arrived with no leash or collar, so I had to buy them (took 'em back too--but I did buy food from same place so it's not like they were completely stiffed). That's why I didn't get back to her. <P>Now what I need to do is press for the loose ends to be finished up. I'm through fearing how finishing those would affect my thinking on the revenge (I was thinking that it would free me up, and I would necessarily act--perhaps when it would be "ungrateful" to say the least). <P>I'm starting to relax a bit more about the whole thing. Just hope nothing happens to cause it to flare again.<BR>

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Vengance is mine,says the Lord,I will repay

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by surviving too:<BR><B>Vengance is mine,says the Lord,I will repay</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, well, that cleared up a lot. Maybe he'll do his part if I'm going too easy.<P>

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Well Sisyphus, <BR>I am glad that you didn't use your 'tools' of revenge. Being that you've been divorced for only six months, it must still be hard for you. I know that six months is not nearly long enough for me to recover, even though I am the one who is requesting a divorce, it's still devestating. <P>I have been on the receiving end of revenge. But not career or family destroying, besides, our family is already destroyed. On a little smaller scale, like taking my son's carseat so I would have no way to leave the house, or saying he doesn't give a crap what I do, and minor things like that. More like mind games and so forth. <P>I can tell you this though, revenge from my husband only makes me respect him that much less. I agree completely with the student because he says that 'it will only confirm in her mind that she made the right choice.' My feelings exactly.<P>Revenge does have the characteristic of backfiring! I am just a little curious, if not to ease the pain, because it can't, then what is it that you hope to gain by trying to get revenge? <P>I personally do not get involved in any of the stupid games that my stbx wants to play and I surely would never do anything to intentially hurt him, even though he tries to do it to me on a daily basis. Yeah, sometimes it works and I am hurt, but in the end, I lose all respect for the man and feel somewhat sorry for him! Because when he is trying to get revenge on me, I KNOW THAT I HAVE HURT HIM, but I don't feel guilty because this is something that we just have to do. I love him enough to know that we have to move on with our lives, for his sake too. <P>If you were to plot some revengeful tactic against your ex, she will gain the knowledge of knowing that you are in pain, still!! Otherwise, why would you do such a thing? I'm not suggesting that you don't want her to know that you are hurt or even that you care if she knows or not. For me though, showing him that I am hurt makes me look weak, and I don't like that feeling. <P>Congrats sisyphus on holding back-----one more thing---I firmly believe that you should destroy or return whatever it is that is giving you this 'so called power' over her, because in the long run, I think it will just keep eating at YOU. <P>Someday, if you were to use it, I think it would haunt you with guilt for a long time to come. And, like the student said, is it something that a potential new 'other' might learn about. I know that if I was dating a guy who was that vengeful against his ex, I would'nt think twice about ending it. <P>Take care of yourself, time will heal the pain, but it won't take away the guilt.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kimkaymilkyway:<BR><B>Revenge does have the characteristic of backfiring! I am just a little curious, if not to ease the pain, because it can't, then what is it that you hope to gain by trying to get revenge?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>A banana peel to hell. Her utter destruction. She would see her immediate and extended family at war amongst themselves, with her to blame (and her protestations that she didn't cause it only partially accepted, if at all). Hopefully, they would want nothing more to do with her--some certainly wouldn't want anything more to do with each other. It would see her disgraced professionally with her career destroyed, and some possibility of prosecution. Furthermore, she would get out of town. <P>I was healing while she was in Europe. But on her return to a city of 2+ million, she got herself an apartment as close as possible to my business address (the former in a building she had dismissed in the past), where she knows I'm much more firmly entrenched than my home address. Who knows if there was some thought of reconnecting or if it just seemed like it might be a convenient place to have me at her beck and call. <P>But before anyone flames me, this is what I formerly *was* thinking ... and while I still have some twitches in that direction, I doubt I will carry it out.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 20, 2000).]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kimkaymilkyway:<BR><B>And, like the student said, is it something that a potential new 'other' might learn about. I know that if I was dating a guy who was that vengeful against his ex, I would'nt think twice about ending it. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, my new "other" realizes that this has only reared its ugly head in the three weeks since I've weaned myself of Wellbutrin. She knows it's just something I need to work through. <P>Though she would be dismayed if I used the career stuff (a little less so if I only used it as a lever to motivate completion of the details of the settlemetn agreement--feels like both I and the XW are dragging our feet), she's very concerned that somehow the family issue needs to be addressed. <P>Of course, my proposed "solutions" to it are tinged with a bias toward hurting the XW. It's really something only one person urgently needs to know (although others arguably should know as well), and since I don't even have direct access to that person, who's yet another jerk and might even blow it off (again, risking some innocents if that happens), I would be forced to more-or-less broadcast it to second-choice recipients. <P>It's strange now, but on long reflection I almost think that the scheme I had concocted to get the word out would enable her to ultimately convince her family of its nature as a plot against her; giving her some cover (making it demonstrable that it went out without her approval, and indeed as part of a hostile plot against her), while still having the effect of creating a needed family awareness of the original secret.<P>If I stated it matter-of-factly under my own byline, she would probably be the goat for having told *me* (an "outsider" to the family) in the past ... with no sympathy for having been the victim of a *plot*.

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I have a question for you. Something you said causes me great concern. You have never said what your blackmail material was, not that it should be a concern of any of us.<P>But in one of the earlier posts, you made references that this knowledge you possess... that there are possibly innocent people in danger. That this information, has remained in the dark, for family peace.<P>While certainly no one can condone an act of pure revenge, I could also not condone allowing an innocent to be at risk, and would wonder how you could allow that to happen for so long?<P>I knew of a family, where a man was "protected" for sake of "peace in the family." Rather than exposing an incident of an uncle improperly touching a 12 year old niece to the man's wife, causing a rift between the two families, and marital strife, - it was explained away, as too much too drink, an isolated incident...it was swept under the rug for "peace in the family."<P>So a 12 year old girl suffered thinking that somehow she had done something wrong, and a couple years later a 10 year old was assaulted. He was a pedophile. Those who kept silent were responsible for that crime too. <P>It is in you to be objective. THere is a difference throwing a bomb to cause hurt, and throwing a bomb to save another.<P>If you know harm can come to innocent by silence, you have no choice but to expose it. It isn't a burden you place on someone else - letting her father have it on his conscience doesn't relieve you of the burden of protecting an innocent.<P>Make sure you do the right thing here, not the vindictive thing, or the easy thing. You don't protect evil.<BR>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by honey.west:<BR><B>I have a question for you. Something you said causes me great concern. I could also not condone allowing an innocent to be at risk, and would wonder how you could allow that to happen for so long?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Without confirming or denying, I have made certain assumptions about the situation, and judge that there may be some years before any danger comes to fruition, meanwhile other factors are likely to "head it off at the pass". At this juncture, I'm not even sure the XW hasn't already handled this. She felt the same pressures. But there are reasons that make it harder for her to do what needs doing.

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Hi Sisyphus<P>That's good. Cryptic, but good! You know, it seems that sometimes, people do protect for the wrong reason, like its betraying a confidence or something. Especially hard during times like these, when you are so emotional, its hard to see the right thing. Looks to me like you have just weathered an incident that really does reflect basic character - and the fundamental strength in your goodness. And, like you maybe see a flicker in your stbx too.<P>I used to have wonderful revenge dreams about my ex and "the girl." Made me giggle, and I think they are very healthy. Glad I had a friend to talk me out of doing anything I would regret. Especially about the girl. She convinced my that she was her own worst enemy, and didn't need me to wreck her life...it was true.<P>Hope you have a wonderful holiday season, knowing you took the high road, and the right road!.<P>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by honey.west:<BR><B>You know, it seems that sometimes, people do protect for the wrong reason, like its betraying a confidence or something. Especially hard during times like these, when you are so emotional, its hard to see the right thing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Probably the "right thing" would be to gently demand of my XW that she provide me some strong proof that she had told *at least* the key person (such as a call to me from that person, or a vieotape of that person acknowledging receipt of the information), with a reasonable deadline, failing which I would go into broadcast mode. My pressure might give her a little "cover" too, from criticism for doing what she needs to do.<P>I can't help but wonder: if I had handled this situation the hard way years ago when I first learned, even over her dire protestations, if it wouldn't have strengthened our relationship. All I can say is, I was both overintimidated by her family's weaknesses and underappreciative of their strengths, so on the one hand I put up with their *crap* while on the other hand I didn't give them their due.<BR>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> Probably the "right thing" would be to gently demand of my XW that she provide me some strong proof that she had told *at least* the key person.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm sure that it will not be seen by the XW as anything helpful or right, but I have just done that by sending her an e-mail. As no good deed goes unpunished, I expect to have a boiling cauldron poured on me in return, but at least it's a first step. It may not have been revenge I was after all along, so much as closure in sitations that I felt were still open.<P>

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Speaking of revenge, I have been getting Christmas cards from x's friends from where we lived before. <P>Last year I x looked at them(I left them laying out on the table and she only took one), this year I am tempted to just throw them out or write back to the people and tell them why she hasn't written for 2 yrs.<P>I thought just a short note, like "x got a better deal from a man, left me and kids, we divorced, and she has now married om."<P>I'm tempted, but will probably just give them too her. I think I am tempted with the note because I just wrapped d'd gift to her mother(which I paid for) which was perfume at $50, it was expensive. She asked for perfume last year too. It stings to know I am buying her perfume for someone else to smell.<P>

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RWD,<P>the fact that I bought X all kinds of new,<BR>nice smelling, body lotion, body spray, etc, and she never used it with me, but used it to catch the OMen, that stung.<P>BUT, since it took me 42 years to figure out how to gifts for women, I will be damned if I don't help my kids, son especially, figure out how to buy presents for a girl/woman.<P>To me the money is irrelevant if I can get the 11yo boy to understand how to select gifts for his mom and sister, I will be a success. My dad never did that for me, because my mom never wanted much that was a surprise, or she wanted to make sure he got the right stuff always. and i didn't have any sisters.<P>so i dragged him all around stores today, and helped him. yeah, i paid for stuff that I will never see, but the education is worth it. As you can tell, i am very serious about education, studying, manners, etc. X is not.<BR>she just figures it will happen somehow, mysteriously.<P>the hard part for me is that X likes stuff, lots of presents, i like experiences, traveling, adventure. so she gets stuff, and do then kids bring any of it to my house? or do i have to equal all her stuff here, PLUS pay for the experiences.<P>such as a 7 day disney trip this year! which i promised them two years ago!<P>8 yo daughter got 11 yo son a clock for his room and X got him a clock/cd player. She panicked because he has two clocks. But wait, he has two bedrooms.<P>so its both teaching your kids how to get presents and be thoughtful, even though it for the X. think positively, and as JL says, it just looking at it positively.<P>tom<P>

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I just gave her the Christmas cards, no note writing.

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Hey S,<P>The only thing I can say about revenge is that it will come back to you three fold. My oldest son has a saying. "If it felt good to say at the time [this goes for doing nasty things too] it was probably wrong."<P>I wouldnt call this revenge, but Valerie [STBXW] sees that I am enjoying life again. I bought a new car. Going skiing in the Poconos with Gina and heading down to Nville in January with the gang. Life couldn't be better for me.<P>She sees this and is miserable with Brian [OM]. I ask how she is doing, "OK" Hell, just ok? Cripes to ruin a 12 year relationship it should be [as Tony the Tiger says] GREAT!<P>She sees she messed up badly and is too proud to admit it. She is giving herself away. I don't care what she says. Life sucks now that she traded down.<P>Now, one of my sayings. "Too bad, how sad, have a Coke and a smile and shut the **** up!"<P>But, that's only me.<P>Catch ya in the funny papers,<P>Zip

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Ah yes,<P>Living well IS the best revenge! That's how I'm going to get my revenge on my STBXw. I'm going to have a great life & she's going to get the one she chose. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I win!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited December 23, 2000).]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MEDIC238:<BR><B>The only thing I can say about revenge is that it will come back to you three fold.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If so, I've seldom seen it (leaving aside the "postal" scenarios) where well-conceived and executed plots are put into motion. OTOH, revenge is probably best served cold because it's hard to think out in the heat of passion, and it's also likely your feelings about the target will reverse at about the same time the revenge takes effect.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I wouldnt call this revenge, but STBXW sees that I am enjoying life again. Life couldn't be better for me. She sees this and is miserable with OM. She sees she messed up badly and is too proud to admit it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would agree that this is the best revenge, but sometimes it's ambiguous as to whether you're really having it. ... my XW never fails to emphasize my "killer bachelor pad" -- this 800 sf. downtown condo (averaging 1 aggressive panhandler encounter per week) I bought in lieu of our 2,500 sf. house in a great neighborhood. <P>Does she want to believe my life is good to assuage her guilt, or is she mocking me?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 27, 2000).]

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I haven't read all the replies just a couple.<P>But i wanted to jump in and say that i agree that revenge would be a way of creating more bitter feelings and no it isn't great for children of any age. <P>But i can say that yes i have thought of it. But only when we were "supposedly" trying to put our lives back together. <P>I look at these feelings as building resentment for the situation.<P>I see it in him too. I can also see he isn't done with me yet. By the way i'm the one that left.<P>A lot of you on here are the ones that got left so i wanted to include that tid bit.<P>Being the initiator doesn't mean it is easier.<P>

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Today I decided to check out this topic finally. Thanks for giving me a perspective I needed to see. I often concidered very subtle attacks (through her new business) but when I last saw her, and because of the reason I HAD to, I see she can't escape from doing it to herself.<BR>Time....<P>rrunrr<BR>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> A banana peel to hell.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>When I posted this, I was speaking of what I wanted my vengeful revelations to be for my XW. To wit: I thought I wanted to crash her life. <P>But this post isn't about that. It's about the little ironies that appear in our lives. Last night, as I was returning to my car in the supermarket parking lot, I fulfilled a cartoon cliche by actually slipping and falling on a banana peel. No harm done (except to my pride), but an old black man saw it, made an appropriate sympathetic comment which I have forgotten; and promptly picked up the nasty thing and disposed of it on his way into the store. A higher power must have sent him there to remove it once it had done its job of reminding me what I had written, and how far I had come since writing it. <P><BR>

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