Hi all - for those of you attempting to transition between plans A and B - let my experience be a caution to you...I thought I'd written a very loving nonLBing letter and got back a 2x4 to my heart. Here's what he replied:<P>"...If you did tell Zack<BR>and Kait that the reason we are divorcing is because I had an<BR>affair...that is a LIE and put them in the middle of our DIVORCE, I<BR>WILL HATE YOU FOREVER..."<P>Of course that's the only non-cussing part I could include. The rest was veiled threats about trying to take the children away, lawyers, his leaving is all my fault and he's blameless in any and everything that went wrong with out marriage.<P>I was so shocked by the attack, I broke the first rule and responded. I tried not to LB, restated why I felt hurt and betrayed, why I told the kids the little amount that I did, and that I would no longer respond to any email that involved hate or threats - these would just be forwarded to my lawyer. (That probably wasn't nice - but true - if gets nasty). I restated that I would exchange email information regarding the children but nothing else until he no longer was in a relationship with OP.<P>I am shocked speechless, hurt once again by this man I no longer even recognize as the upstanding gentle man I married.<P>Apparently PLan B actually should have been labelled plan D for divorce because it is obvious now that that is the only place we will end up together.<P>Now I just have to figure out how to live in this small town with her and him together everywhere I go. Ugh. <P><P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>Hi all - for those of you attempting to transition between plans A and B - let my experience be a caution to you...I thought I'd written a very loving nonLBing letter and got back a 2x4 to my heart.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm sorry that happened to you. In time, perhaps he'll recognize what you sent him for what it was. And the truth will dawn on him. Be steadfast for your children, and true to yourself. Let him find his own way now. Don't countenance any bad behavior from him, and don't let him intimidate you from telling your children things that are legitimately appropriate to tell them. No, you shouldn't burden them with heavy details, but there are certain things it's appropriate to know, and if you hew to the truth rather than painting what's happening as better or worse than it is, they will remember it in the future.

Have you read "Sudden endings ; wife rejection in happy marriages / Madeline Bennett?" She has done extensive research on cases of men suddenly leaving long-term marriages and exhibiting almost unbelievably extreme rage directed at their wives, labeled by psychiatrists as "narcissic rage." The trouble with Plan A, Plan B, etc., is that is assumes a certain level of rational thought - an many of the WS (especially those who left long-term marriages without warning) are suffering from depression and/or other mental illnesses. The reality of what the BS does or says has no relationship to their perception of it. Nothing that the BS can do or say would have a positive effect on them - absolutely everything just makes them angrier.

s2b_a,<P>I'm very sorry he responded to your kind and gentle letter with such malicious behavior.<P>Small men always amaze me.<P>That being said, it's time for plan B and self protection. Make sure you take the high ground. Always.<P>I'm sorry you have to face the OW. I'm not really comfortable in situations where I encounter the OM, but he has the good sense to make sure he egresses the encounter with haste <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Nellie1, I will definitely have to look into that book - it sounds like my guy to a "T". I am really struggling with how angry, cruel, and deceitful he is right now. He's thrown out so many accusations at me since being "caught" at having started his relationship with OW prior to moving out that I don't know which way is up. <P>Between Saturday (when I told him I finally knew everything - and I told the kids what they needed to know) and now he has accused me of emotionally battering my children, alienating him from all his friends and family, and the latest email states:<P>" Your statments and comments regarding me fall are meant to bring harm to my character and if you are honest with your lawyer about the allegations you are making and comments will find are not going to have a possitive result for you if you do not stop. You are cruel and hateful and I know are enjoying the pain you are causing me with our kids and my family. That is sick. I am concerned about your mental health and think you should talk to a professional."<P>The bizarre thing is this man was flirting with me and made love with me last Sunday (his idea) - even while still involved with OP - though I didn't know it at the time. It's amazing how much my worth as a human being has gone downhill in 1 weeks time - the only difference being that now we know the truth.<P>His last email just ripped into any respect I had left for him. He is now working on convincing his family that I have "flipped" in order to invalidate the truth they were told. (They didn't really want to believe their golden boy would do such a thing anyway...according to them, it was just viscious lies told to me by OW's husband to get back at her because she had struck up a non-sexual friendship with my H - the fact that they both bailed on their marriages the same weekend was mere coincidence).<P>My H and I had planned to do Christmas together for the kids' sake - that's gone now. I just went out and bought them a gift from Santa and Mom and told H he could give them one from Santa and Dad when they went to his place.<P>I truly believe that still, I could feel respect, friendship and even love for him once she's out of the picture, but with my luck now, he'll marry her out of spite.<P>Since when did Soap Opera plots become more believeable than my life????<P> <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.